How can I fix my emotional problems?

[Black Rose]

I feel bad, really bad.

The numbness I had before is almost gone but half that feeling is still inside me. There is just pain and stuff and I am not trying to let it out. I tried to let it out but that just made it so I was hurting other persons. So I am trying not to let it out but then my brain hurts. I am mad but not at anyone in particular, I know I should not be mad at people so I am trying to hold it inside but that causes pain because being calm means I cannot let it build up in such a way as to burn but because I cannot let it burn it turns into a sharp pain in the right half of my head. I know that this is how a person feels when they decide to drink alcohol because then the pain goes away because they become uninhibited and just behave how they feel. but I cannot do that. I cannot act how I feel.

If I cannot act how I feel I might turn into a zombie again. I was that way for two years when I was in the group home. Because I could not feel anything because I just sat there and did nothing all day. But I did become highly rational. Some people I believe when this happens to them they develop verbal torets syndrome, they say curse words to themselves and all things just to get emotion out. I think Robin Williams used his humor as a defense mechanism. When he died many people said he was in hell because he was not right or something. That he did not believe in God.

I like to breathe and stretch but not say anything. I have that thing where I just cannot avoid the feelings in my head so I woble and almost fall down not because of fainting but because I let go of control somewhat and that makes it better because I can just let go or so I think but I cannot because it needs to get out but instead i just woblle and I think because i just let it wobble it is like being drunk but then we all do because we then have the ability to release pain. If I let go of the body then pain can only be where it is and I just have that area to deal with so it's not so bad.

When polar bears shake after being captured they release the trauma but not in the way humans who cannot release it so it is like trying to induce a state like a seizure but not really because it is just shaking but not really because it is fake. But so far not really because I do not do that, I am just being incoherent to be as logical as possible because I need to be. I am not doing any of that right now. I am just writing to say what I have in my head to deal with pain but it is not for anything but to write as fast as possible.

I remember at the group home I did nothing but also I thought things. I had to because I was bored but it was something to do to be logical. When pain rises to the surface then I can be logical because it inhibits me. Inhibition is activated which allows me to handle the stress of boredom. I find that being bored is done by increasing pain so that energy is allowed to activate the control system. Once that is done all you can focus on is pain which motivevated can make it logical to suppress it otherwise it controls you. So I had to keep looking. I had to activate logic left brain by increasing pain on the right side. That was good because I could now disconnect from hurting other people.

Sleep then and music is necessary because rest can rest the system to more coherence where not editing the word I type to become better understood by making it possible to complete the barriers being separated and working together. It enters one side and compounds the pain into a better development where language is being put together and then the sides will unit so that I can not burn out the connection between the two sides only it is the front right brain that needs to heal and make that part burn out not the whole system. and there the pain can be put in a better spot. Because the pain is in the right side the front right side works harder not to inhibit the left.

It's all together then that language will work better when the pain is gone and no longer will it become bad at understanding by others. Others will understand when the system resets.

The right front brain inhibits the left which is so the pausing and get into others the best possible understanding.

As it is I have been trying to help a person who would try and decide to not live anymore not myself but a person in a video conference and I do not want them to die but it is only possible if I am rational to the extent that I can answer their question. they are 8 years younger than I am but it is a case that i must not be mean or in any way judgmental. They had a family member die and I just do not want to make things worse. So far I spent 12 hours this week talking to them so I also have trouble because I cannot help them. They too need an outlet. It is my responsibility to help but I cannot know if they believe in themselves. They think everything is bad and so I cannor know what it is that I can tell them a reason to live as I can not hope to get them to believe in good things.

This person is a real person not anime kitty they exist as a physical person in Texas and not New Mexico where I am. So I am serious that this person exists flesh and blood and I am not having a schizo episode. I am completely rational on this. I mean it. I talked to him this week 12 hours On Google Hangout in person. I am just in pain right now and it will pass in a few hours, I will speak normal soon. But I was a zombie to deal with pain in 2007 because I was bored and needed to think rationally. I had to think no thoughts to get by in the group home.

I am of the opinion that pain is/needs to be concentrated so I can deal with it by inhibitions to be logical/rational.

I need to hold back or I hurt others and myself.

Please excuse my free flow of thoughts.

I was not under any influence of any substances. Just pain.

 

[birdsnestfern]

This might seem mean, but its not mean to YOU.

I can't help but sense that person is narcissist and is causing drama that you don't need on top of your current issues already.
I believe you should cut off all contact with the person you are describing. Provide them with a suicide prevention number and let them know you are unable to help further. Its not your job to fix or help someone that is that desparate. I know you as a sensitive person want to help, but you are over extending yourself now. Nobody is that strong to deal with someone that wants to end their life. Personally, I think you want to give them a hotline number and then make an excuse, say you are being admitted to a hospital and have no computer to communicate and they will have to find alternate help, as you aren't available.
This is necessary for you, as you need to distance yourself from that person. They are too troubled to fix.

Disregard my message if you don't agree, but thats just what I'm sensing from it, I think they are a covert narcissist playing games and saying poor me, and then twisting it into needing all of your attention, and you are being too nice, because you are sensitive and don't want to hurt feelings, but you have to make boundaries for yourself, draw the line. If they are depressed, they need to get help, it can't come from video calls with you. Also, thats a bit creepy that they are clinging like that, almost vampirish. Protect your energy and cut it off. Don't reply to anything else or provide fuel for them to cling. Grey rock or totally stop interacting. Don't even read messages, delete them. This type of person will harm you deeply, and they are way too much for you to handle. Let that go.

You will start to feel a lot better once you do. As an autistic person, I know you don't even have a mean bone in your body, but the person on the other end has a predator vibe and if they are making you feel guilty something seems wrong. This is how they get victims, make you feel you owe them something and use you ALL up. Dangerous.

Try this:
Imagine a white vortex tornado swirling around you, and it cuts all ties with people that are using your energy. Imagine the ropes that tie your energies together burning through and releasing. Don't keep thinking about them, or the ties will grow back, keep seeing flames burn thru that cord/rope and white tornado vortex spinning you and breaking the cords and stop thinking about them.

 

[Black Rose]

I said I would get better after I slept and I did get better.

If he is not dead I believe I should help this person because as a Christian I believe it is my duty. He has in no way harmed me in any way. I just know that I am the only one who cares the most so I am the most responsible for his condition right now. I have been to the hospital ten times in the past 15 years he has been to the hospital 20 times in the past 5 years. The doctors do not treat him right. They only give him pills and injections and he said they fucked with him mentally. They gaslight him all the time. His father died three weeks ago and his mother is incapable of being a proper parent to him. I am not saying I will be successful but as long as I can I will help him. That is what I would want if I was in his position.

 

[sushi]

excercise, you are stuck in a thought loop that you cant pull yourself out of.

limit how long you overthink about the problem like a set time.

find a cousellor or therapist to talk to like betterhelp.

 

[ZenRaiden]

As it is I have been trying to help a person who would try and decide to not live anymore not myself but a person in a video conference and I do not want them to die but it is only possible if I am rational to the extent that I can answer their question. they are 8 years younger than I am but it is a case that i must not be mean or in any way judgmental. They had a family member die and I just do not want to make things worse. So far I spent 12 hours this week talking to them so I also have trouble because I cannot help them. They too need an outlet. It is my responsibility to help but I cannot know if they believe in themselves. They think everything is bad and so I cannor know what it is that I can tell them a reason to live as I can not hope to get them to believe in good things.

This person is a real person not anime kitty they exist as a physical person in Texas and not New Mexico where I am. So I am serious that this person exists flesh and blood and I am not having a schizo episode. I am completely rational on this. I mean it. I talked to him this week 12 hours On Google Hangout in person. I am just in pain right now and it will pass in a few hours, I will speak normal soon. But I was a zombie to deal with pain in 2007 because I was bored and needed to think rationally. I had to think no thoughts to get by in the group home.

Honestly I don't know what your state of mind is, but helping someone although commendable is hard. Especially someone who is suicidal.
I think helping such person is quite obviously above your ability.
I am not saying you cannot help them, but you are dealing with more than you can handle and dealing with someone who is obviously dealing with something way worse.... well lets just say they might not get as much as help as they want.
Even professionals with degrees cannot help these people sometimes.
I am not saying talking to them is bad, but honestly stressing yourself out for someone is bad for you.

Id recommend surround yourself with people who don't stress you out and support you. Trust me you need the help first, before you help someone else.

If that person develops dependency on you, and you develop dependency on them I am not sure you will help them, but quite frankly they might end up more hurt.

It kind of depends what you are really helping the person with.
If you are just entertaining them then that is OK.
But if you are working as therapist for them then that is not OK.

I mean I had conversations with lots of people online, and trust me it does ever or rarely help. Lots of people, even people who are healthy have problems.
Unfortunately in today's world, life is paradoxically hard even for healthy people.

 

[ZenRaiden]

Disregard my message if you don't agree, but thats just what I'm sensing from it, I think they are a covert narcissist playing games and saying poor me, and then twisting it into needing all of your attention, and you are being too nice, because you are sensitive and don't want to hurt feelings, but you have to make boundaries for yourself, draw the line. If they are depressed, they need to get help, it can't come from video calls with you.

Also everything @birdsnestfern says is valuable. Especially this point.

excercise, you are stuck in a thought loop that you cant pull yourself out of.

limit how long you overthink about the problem like a set time.

find a cousellor or therapist to talk to like betterhelp.

Yeah and this.

 

[Black Rose]

I think that I just have the inability to let go.

But in the opposite way than others.

Or maybe not.

Fear you run or freeze

Sadness you cry

Anger you destroy

But it is all about abandonment.

There is no one to turn to, it is being lost.

And there is nowhere to go.

 

[PiedPiper]

I feel bad, really bad.

The numbness I had before is almost gone but half that feeling is still inside me. There is just pain and stuff and I am not trying to let it out. I tried to let it out but that just made it so I was hurting other persons. So I am trying not to let it out but then my brain hurts. I am mad but not at anyone in particular, I know I should not be mad at people so I am trying to hold it inside but that causes pain because being calm means I cannot let it build up in such a way as to burn but because I cannot let it burn it turns into a sharp pain in the right half of my head. I know that this is how a person feels when they decide to drink alcohol because then the pain goes away because they become uninhibited and just behave how they feel. but I cannot do that. I cannot act how I feel.

If I cannot act how I feel I might turn into a zombie again. I was that way for two years when I was in the group home. Because I could not feel anything because I just sat there and did nothing all day. But I did become highly rational. Some people I believe when this happens to them they develop verbal torets syndrome, they say curse words to themselves and all things just to get emotion out. I think Robin Williams used his humor as a defense mechanism. When he died many people said he was in hell because he was not right or something. That he did not believe in God.

I like to breathe and stretch but not say anything. I have that thing where I just cannot avoid the feelings in my head so I woble and almost fall down not because of fainting but because I let go of control somewhat and that makes it better because I can just let go or so I think but I cannot because it needs to get out but instead i just woblle and I think because i just let it wobble it is like being drunk but then we all do because we then have the ability to release pain. If I let go of the body then pain can only be where it is and I just have that area to deal with so it's not so bad.

When polar bears shake after being captured they release the trauma but not in the way humans who cannot release it so it is like trying to induce a state like a seizure but not really because it is just shaking but not really because it is fake. But so far not really because I do not do that, I am just being incoherent to be as logical as possible because I need to be. I am not doing any of that right now. I am just writing to say what I have in my head to deal with pain but it is not for anything but to write as fast as possible.


Sleep then and music is necessary because rest can rest the system to more coherence where not editing the word I type to become better understood by making it possible to complete the barriers being separated and working together. It enters one side and compounds the pain into a better development where language is being put together and then the sides will unit so that I can not burn out the connection between the two sides only it is the front right brain that needs to heal and make that part burn out not the whole system. and there the pain can be put in a better spot. Because the pain is in the right side the front right side works harder not to inhibit the left.

It's all together then that language will work better when the pain is gone and no longer will it become bad at understanding by others. Others will understand when the system resets.

The right front brain inhibits the left which is so the pausing and get into others the best possible understanding.

As it is I have been trying to help a person who would try and decide to not live anymore not myself but a person in a video conference and I do not want them to die but it is only possible if I am rational to the extent that I can answer their question. they are 8 years younger than I am but it is a case that i must not be mean or in any way judgmental. They had a family member die and I just do not want to make things worse. So far I spent 12 hours this week talking to them so I also have trouble because I cannot help them. They too need an outlet. It is my responsibility to help but I cannot know if they believe in themselves. They think everything is bad and so I cannor know what it is that I can tell them a reason to live as I can not hope to get them to believe in good things.

This person is a real person not anime kitty they exist as a physical person in Texas and not New Mexico where I am. So I am serious that this person exists flesh and blood and I am not having a schizo episode. I am completely rational on this. I mean it. I talked to him this week 12 hours On Google Hangout in person. I am just in pain right now and it will pass in a few hours, I will speak normal soon. But I was a zombie to deal with pain in 2007 because I was bored and needed to think rationally. I had to think no thoughts to get by in the group home.

I am of the opinion that pain is/needs to be concentrated so I can deal with it by inhibitions to be logical/rational.

I need to hold back or I hurt others and myself.

Please excuse my free flow of thoughts.

I was not under any influence of any substances. Just pain.

You seem like a very complex yet troubled individual. I speak from experience and a mind equally as disturbed. I was always an imaginative child. Sensitive as they say, but in the 'aware' sense of the word. I don't believe i'm schizophrenic but I have a system. A system that didn't present itself fully until what I believe was after a series of traumatic events. Loneliness will kill you. Loneliness combined with a sharp mind and reduced stimulation will eat you one piece at a time. I do believe it's possible to be a living ghost. You're essentially a culmination of haunting memories, a shattered sense of self broken one to many times in a mind that fails to recognize its own demise. Something snaps, the psyche shatters. Then the spirit is next to go. Everything is energy. Neither created nor destroyed but shifted. Frequency changes. I use substances to freeze the lake but underneath it all a dark ocean cannot be contained. I don't have friends. One in my system blocks everyone out. It's me and them and that's my circle. Everything I do from there is just to dull the truth I already know and won't face. Music barely stirs me the way it did. Few people have known even the first layer of me. No one ever sits in front of you and just asks "Why?"
Why, @Animekitty does it hurt?

 

[Black Rose]

Few people have known even the first layer of me. No one ever sits in front of you and just asks "Why?"
Why, @Animekitty does it hurt?

I think I am alone.

I can never be myself when alone but I am never around anyone who I am not alone with.

My roommate has a dog and has an attachment to them. They feel happy when holding them. I have a dog but am not too happy holding it. My roommate, they feel the opposite but then everything is bad sometimes to them. So my roommate has black-and-white emotions all good or all bad or nothing. That I was told is borderline. But with me, I feel only bad and sometimes okay but never happy as like when being held or holding someone. My sister is happy when she holds me but I am not. I am only happy I suppose when I hold my niece. Because it seems appropriate. They are not adults and I do not have any adult I am happy with holding me. I cannot hold anyone and I feel nothing when I hold people. My mother is the same I think. I hold her and she feels like nothing. In my dream last night, I was holding someone and I was not alone. There was no pain. And they seemed my age. But then what appeared to be the X-husband appeared and they were taller and stronger than I was and somehow I got away. That has no relation to anything in real life as I am a virgin and I never saw any persons like to them in real life.

It seems that I have no adult person that I can feel happy with. And that is why I am sad or in effect I have been damaged to not have any strong feelings about anyone. I am just angry at everyone or not angry but hurt, no one accepts me but I can do nothing about it. If I am mean they reject me also so there is nothing I can do, nothing I can say, and nothing I can make them understand so I just try and act as appropriate as possible. But this is a constant fear inside me. I must always do the right thing or there will be consequences. I only did schoolwork and never bothered anyone. Not after the field trip where was bullied in 7th grade. That is why when school ended I had nothing to do and was a zombie at the halfway house for two years. Then I was in my apartment for two years. Then I was a janitor two more years but talked to no one.

I still do act appropriately because I feel sad but I cannot let go of the sadness or I will never find that person I had the dream about. I saw them but in a different form in 2009 at the mall, but then I never saw them again in real life. So I hold on and it may be that is the reason I hold onto religion also because it creates the same pain but I must still keep it because if I let go nothing will matter. I think that I was told that Jesus had to do things even if he did not want to but I think that I have to because nothing is untrue about what it says only people can be ignorant about its true meaning. Nothing is wrong with me and nothing is wrong with religion but people are ignorant but nothing is wrong with them either. In 2016 when I let go for a brief moment of my pain I had to forgive someone and that made me see the golden figure who was female and shining with light. But I have constant pain and I can only hope I can see her again if I do nothing wrong.

 

[Puffy]

I've lost 3 close friends to suicide and another made attempts and eventually turned things around. I've also felt suicidal in the past though I didn't act on it. So I have a lot of experience in this area.

The thing I'd conclude and share is that you don't have much influence over whether someone will take their life or not. You can pour all your love into someone and it's not enough. If they really want to do it, they will find a way to do it.

The best thing I think you can do is sign-post them to services that can help to give them the opportunity to help themselves. If they've made real threats about it you can also alert someone else like family or services to intercept the situation.

I say that as I don't think this is your problem or responsibility. Regardless of where it goes it's not a burden for you to carry and it's not your fault.

I also say this as it's important to acknowledge that you are yourself a sensitive, vulnerable person. You deserve protection from this as well. I don't think surrounding yourself with people like this will help you but re-traumatise you by trauma bonding with other hurt people. It's rare that people can protect you for you, you have to do it for yourself by setting boundaries with people and not taking on what isn't yours.

 

[birdsnestfern]

The hotline is 988.

Some of those counselors are really good.

But if you say he's been in hospitals more than you have, he likely has much larger issues.

Try to cut back and interact once a week or less to wean that off some.

If he outright flips, you know you have a narcissist. They can't stand not having someone to manipulate.
Now, if his Dad died, I would express sympathy and then let him work it out. You don't need to do anything extra, you've done that.

 

[Black Rose]

Jordan Peterson said that when you believe in something, that your actions will show what you believe in. I think that since yesterday I have been capable of setting boundaries between myself and others when it comes to expressing myself. I do not believe it is right that people attack my character but I also know what is an appropriate action to take in that case. I am less depressed now that I understand what is the cause of me being unable to stand up for myself. I lacked the confidence to say no but it was because I was emotionally weak. People I feel have been taking advantage of me for years and I thought it was my fault. They had been turning everything against me. They had been trying to trap me in intellectually dishonest passive-aggressive character assassinations. And a few months ago I decided that it was going to stop.

First I had to deal with politics. No matter what I said on that tech forum they believed in conspiracies that were not true so I abandoned them. Then religion, I had a fear of God because that was the view everyone had, more conspiracies that were not completely true. Also, the fact that people kept saying that I was autistic and gaslighting me on it. I have had several hallucinations in my life. But the worst was in January 2022 and then the nightmares in August 2022 and the hospital in Nov 2022. And in April 2023 having looked at what I had been through I had the experience of all the negative videos YouTube sent me. deleting my history to gain back sanity.

In my moral character, I believe in doing the right thing. I do not want the universe to be destroyed but if I cannot stop myself from feeling so guilty it may happen by accident. That is how I feel. I always felt responsible for everything. And if I did not do what was right there would be no more, no more anything. And I cannot allow that to happen.

I think that everything is recorded and in that record is every thought every action every intent. I am not immune to anything. But I am able to decide. And I believe that I have a backbone.

 

[ZenRaiden]

Anime Kitty you are right you are taking too much on yourself.
Which makes you further worse.
Actually reading your last post, I am surprised you think its OK to put so much pressure on yourself.

 

[Black Rose]

I do not know what you mean.
There are only certain people that bother me.
People who have treated me unfairly.
In time they will see their error.
But I am still responsible.
I do not see what I am doing wrong in that regard.
The pressure is only from judgments people place on me.
That is what I need to resist, even if it means pain.
I am not going to ignore it but confront it.
Because it is not true what they think.
But if they refuse to acknowledge me.
I can only make it known in the open that they have wronged me.
And let everyone know it so as not to have it happen again.

 

[PiedPiper]

Few people have known even the first layer of me. No one ever sits in front of you and just asks "Why?"
Why, @Animekitty does it hurt?

I think I am alone.

I can never be myself when alone but I am never around anyone who I am not alone with.



Interesting. I think on top of your complete isolation you also carry shame and much confusion. The phrase "You are never alone" is in my opinion, false and simply a method of comfort. No one can be there even in your darkest nights. I figured out real early on in my life I was a social pariah. I was closely monitored by my teachers and my mother. And I was reprimanded or punished often for being seen subconsciously by others as this evil thing. I was told to knock it off if I cried or released emotion. I was deemed overly sensitive. When I look back at what I can remember of childhood, I see where my alter slid into the picture. He is callous,
emotionless, save for an inner rage and ravenous hunger to destroy anyone or anything that poses a threat. He told me I created him because of the loneliness I didn't even grasp at the time. Lone wolves can thrive but its much more difficult. Especially when trauma hits and you bleed and every predator out there smells it. When he fronts I rarely black out completely. I think he allows me to watch in a cage while he paces the room or interacts because he wants me to know i'm able to observe but not do anything about it. I essentially fall asleep. The pain ceases. He possesses the capacity of unforeseen malice.
Then as I grew depression hit at about 12. I was no fool to the education system. I could get excellent grades with last minute studying, that's how sharp witted I was with short term memory. I always held concern that one day I would lose that edge. Apparently I brought it into fruition. I was started on medication around then and would continue being prescribed med after med up until the current day. At first I had no desire to take any medication, I loathed the way it changed me. Not once did I consider using for recreation. Fast foreword, trauma after trauma in a nonstop cycle lit a bulb. I stopped feeling pleasure, or passion, or hope. So I start popping pills like those little gumballs. Dopamine and serotonin flood the wires in my mind, i'm hooked. The devils deal is irresistible, until it stops working. All you want is the feeling you got the first time you partook. So you take more, and more, and more, and that keeps you in the 'okay' zone for a while. Then suddenly it doesn't matter how much you take, the effects are gone.
I can take enough pills to effectively tranquilize a full sized horse and feel nothing. I no longer experience any pleasure because the part of the mind responsible for that 'feel good' chemical doesn't work. I look at the world from a dark nihilistic standpoint. Everywhere I look is grey. My eyes may register color but my psyche does not side with it. I see grey, and I see red, and that's it. Everything is pointless. All is torment, that's just how it is. As you can imagine after going through the system several times and faking it until they let you go(psyche ward) you get a little more unhinged each time. I am genuinely insane. Not crazy. There's a difference.
Loneliness is a serial killer of the mind. I expect it'll kill me eventually. People are scared of me. I'm a drug to them. I attract them like an opioid. They always say the same thing. "There's something about you I can't pinpoint but you make me feel at peace." A week later they're begging me to stay out of their lives. Amusing.

 

[PiedPiper]

I've lost 3 close friends to suicide and another made attempts and eventually turned things around. I've also felt suicidal in the past though I didn't act on it. So I have a lot of experience in this area.

The thing I'd conclude and share is that you don't have much influence over whether someone will take their life or not. You can pour all your love into someone and it's not enough. If they really want to do it, they will find a way to do it.

The best thing I think you can do is sign-post them to services that can help to give them the opportunity to help themselves. If they've made real threats about it you can also alert someone else like family or services to intercept the situation.

I say that as I don't think this is your problem or responsibility. Regardless of where it goes it's not a burden for you to carry and it's not your fault.

I also say this as it's important to acknowledge that you are yourself a sensitive, vulnerable person. You deserve protection from this as well. I don't think surrounding yourself with people like this will help you but re-traumatise you by trauma bonding with other hurt people. It's rare that people can protect you for you, you have to do it for yourself by setting boundaries with people and not taking on what isn't yours.

Not to bring up any old wounds. Suicide is a strange phenomena. I have died in dreams many different ways, the worst being hanging or drowning. Electricity is quick but terrifying. Poison hurts so bad your mind blocks it out, you sort of disconnect from your body. Freezing to death in the right temperature is very quick. Being shot is dysphoric. You know you've been hit but adrenaline keeps you from registering it. Getting stabbed is like getting punched as hard as someone can in a precise location on your body. Falling to your death drops your stomach, you black out before you hit the ground, or maybe you hit the ground so fast you don't realize it.
The reason I mention hanging and drowning is because hanging implies a certain deep self-loathing. It was traditionally used as corporate punishment of the highest degree. Traitors, murderers, thieves, etc. Very dark way to go. Drowning is unnatural. We aren't creatures of the sea, so dying out of place feels abnormal.
Anyways this is just my take. As I believe strongly the subconscious and conscious are tied in equally.
The thing I can't come to grips with is that I am so far below being depressed I don't even have the desire to off myself, or stay alive. I want to feel depression because its something. Feeling anything is better than being aware and completely empty. This particular piece of music captures the feeling. Lowest, gone, going, faded, shade, ghost.

 

[Black Rose]

I had to temporarily sleep before answering.

But as I slept I felt really bad.

It felt hot and fearful and confused, I was having thoughts about being unable to escape but not so fast as to panic just really a fever mixed with thoughts. They were irrational as in I had no way of telling they meant anything because I was thirsty but also I was not conscious enough to get up and do something about it. But it was the confusion and fear that was worst. I did not understand why it was so hot and was not conscious enough to solve the problem.

Today as I visited my aunt in the nursing home I just thought that everyone was dumb. Because no one cares about how to solve money problems even if that is the reason for them being upset at everything in the first place. they do not understand the consequences of money or problems. I learned that it cost 8 thousand dollars in total to keep my aunt in the nursing home and that included all her social security. She wants to leave the nursing home But I told her that if someone took the power of Aturny other than my sister they would keep her where she is, in that nursing home. If she does not listen she will be there a very, very long time.

And my social worker cannot tell the difference between 5G and megabytes of Internet. I pay $80 a month for internet but only 10 megabytes a second. I told her that 5G is 100 times faster but she could not understand because she asked what my data plan was. I told her that Verizon has 5G internet for 35 dollars and she asked: "But then they need to install the cable", derp? So I told her directly her phone was 100 times faster than my internet.

I want to feel depression because its something. Feeling anything is better than being aware and completely empty.

Depression comes in many forms, especially emptiness.

Numbness is something I try and induce but is hard because when I am not rational I have extreme sensations I call emotions but they are disorientations. Imbalances that just are pain and temperatures and constrictions and loss of energy. Hunger, thirst, breathing, heartbeat normal things become painful or not felt. It is the integration of all metabolic processes. But in the background. To describe it, it has become unexpressed in the body yet I would say that in some places it is hardened. In me, it is the top of the crown. I cannot make myself feel any way but it is a pressure. A force that resists the expression. Some people may feel that harness in the thalamus. I feel it in the amygdala. That is why the frontal lobes catch fire and burn. the amygdala causes energy that must be directed somewhere. So it is in my crown that becomes hot and hard. Sadness in the brainstem becomes hunger or thirst and I was vomiting in 2022 because of it. My brother has ulcers in the stomach but it comes from anger. Music is either a healing sensation or a burning sensation and panic. because music tells me things to me when I pay attention. That means it has a hold on me I can fight or give in and when I give in that is fear. I have never given in so confusion happens most often. it is not a final state but irrational to the moment of terror. so I have never given in to music but I have given in to thoughts outside that arena. thoughts my irrational thoughts kept me in the hospital for several months one time. but then in a hospital, it is quiet. you can shut off your mind but then there is tv and "triggers" and anxiety and cold.

Like not sitting up straight where everything misaligns and stiffens, the mind hardens and contorts and you become unaware. But the mind and body are the same. They both push and pull on all parts on all other parts.

Everything needs to reset, everything needs to become flexible and fluid.

What is desensitized needs to become sensitive again?

Spoiler: wherewolf ?

 

[EndogenousRebel]

I think the general rule is that with positive emotion, you can be as broad as you want.

When it comes to negative emotions, you need to be specific as you possibly can.

It's so easy to do the opposite when you're taken by surprise or it's just a daily habit of your reality.

I think this really helps me any time I'm stressed out about something.

The only time you can't do this is when you're fatigued or under a lot of pressure.

 

[ZenRaiden]

Unfortunately some good and positive emotions are not triggered by words.
Ergo flow of emotions or feeling even negative emotions that are repressed does not happen when you think it.
A lot of people intellectualize and hence by pass their real emotions.
Key is to focus just on emotion and not think so much.

 

[birdsnestfern]

Were the same issues happening before you started taking any of the prescriptions they want you to take?
Do you think the antipsychotics have blockers in your receptors that make it worse? They likely deaden your real feelings and make your brain slower. I'd say a lot of those issues are related to the drugs, thats my guess.

My prescription is that you need to get a nice piece of black obsidian and hold it when you feel stressed. Its been through the heat of the earth to form and millions of years of earth processes and can help you with transforming stress and trauma into healing. Try obsidian held next to your heart for a bit. Apache Tear crystal also helps for grief and heart ache. Blue kyanite for emotional loss. Maybe try to experiment and wean off of the drugs and use crystals as healers instead. https://energymuse.com/blogs/crystals/healing-properties-of-obsidian?_pos=1&_sid=2e552a861&_ss=r

Crystals – Healing Trauma - SV2

how crystals are being used for healing trauma

www.sv2.org.uk

 

[Black Rose]

Were the same issues happening before you started taking any of the prescriptions they want you to take?
Do you think the antipsychotics have blockers in your receptors that make it worse?
I'd say a lot of those issues are related to those drugs, thats my guess.

The last med change was in November 2022.

Zen is right, I think too much.

But I do not have a real life outside that.

I am also too much affected by what people think of me.

Mostly I force it upon myself because of boredom.

I do not have much to do.

I need a job, but I get money in November from my uncle.

I hope to fix my house and develop an a.i. application with it.

 

[birdsnestfern]

If you are affected by what people think, it means you need to protect that part of you and change something you are doing.
I think all you have to do is...

Just don't share the parts of you that are controversial, you might need to develop a filtering out process (when you feel vulnerable and defensive, thats your cue that you need to find another focus). And maybe not discuss religion or politics with just anyone, if you want to protect that. Many people can not share everything, especially if it isn't mainstream thinking. There is hardly a place that is safe to discuss religion and politics, its too polarized.

You'll need to find the protective parent you and make rules to make the sensitive vulnerable you feel safe and sheltered. Perhaps it can safely speak through art or writing poetry or music - give that private inner you an outlet to express itself that shows you care about it and can keep it safe. Set up boundaries of what the parent can do and what the inner child can do and help them work together. Just spend more time letting those two communicate to each other. Give them two minutes of dialogue on paper now and each day.

Most of the arguments happening on the internet are because people are focusing on their differences, where what needs to happen is, focus on a specific solution to a specific problem and leave out the emotional bias part, just talk about the actual solution and everyone will help each other more.

 

[Black Rose]

I had another half-conscious half unconscious dream state again.

I do not have a fear of death but I was in this state very afraid of it.

It is the experience of dying I am afraid of most of all and in this half-conscious half-unconscious, I got the feeling of dying and I could not stop feeling that way.

I do not know why I felt this way last night or yesterday in sleep but it is not something I can control.

It could be something coming to the surface, repressed memories?

But as it is a fear of dying could be that came from age one when the abuse started?

What happens when you are hit until you stop crying?

All the pain is concentrated and you cannot get away.

 

[Black Rose]

I discovered that my B12 production is low. I need 20 times what the normal person requires. I bought two bottles of 75 tablets. I am taking 3 at night and 3 at bedtime.

I also talked to my therapist and she was concerned that I stay up 24 hours and sleep 14 hours in a cycle. I told her that it gives me mental clarity to be up when I have clarity but when I do not have clarity I feel slugish. I just know when to sleep based on what makes me clear. And I realized I had a really deep emotional pain that came out that needed validation.

I tried to tell people what I thought but kept being rejected. But then I was talking to people and they let me tell them my problems (not my therapist) and I was able to say what I wanted to say. I was able to resolve about 75% of the problem. That is I was able to get it off my being. The pressure of all the people telling me I was wrong. It turned into the simplest thing. That I could talk to people without negative emotionality or fear.

I had to be able to pause and feel things without the connotations involved. I was able to be quiet inside and get the answer from the silence within. If I am quiet I can integrate the bad feeling. But then it requires honesty to the effect of my true words. What I say and what I mean cannot be misinterpreted. I was very concered about talking to people because I got negative feedback all the time. I think it was because I had low confidence in what I was saying because when speaking to people smarter than me they called me stupid. I have an insecurity about intelligence so never practiced language properly. Every improper word use was shut down, this made me sad. And I became very angry also that I could not do anything about my situation. I only had the ability to reason periodically in a way that made it possible to express my thoughts immediately.

People tell me I should not care about what others think. I ignore them because they do not care about what I think. They are people who only expect dishonesty and that means I will never be honest with them about anything important. They will shut me down once I say anything they disagree with. I am polite to them but never trust them in any personal way. Personal trust is what I want but never find it. Communication is important to trust-building but I never find I can communicate with others as openly as I would want to. I am not allowed to disagree with people and that makes it hard. I do not want to lie to people so I choose not to interact with certain people in certain ways. I have become adept at understanding all the ways others can shut me down.

That is why I was better this time after talking to people about my problems. It made me able to use my words in a constructive manner. And detach from the emotional connection to criticisms I received from others. I still need to understand my emotions and use my words better but I think I can do so if I trust myself and be more careful about the situations I am in.

 

[birdsnestfern]

Its too bad there isn't a 'sensitive person' community or maybe there is, but the world needs more enclaves with that type of person where you can walk out your door and find people like you. Most of these issues are because non-sensitives reject or don't understand the sense of acceptance and community sensitives crave. Its all about who is better or smarter instead of just being happy with whoever people are already. And societies expectations are impossible to live up to, so there is no point in trying, so you need a different reality.


Might have to discover that in yourself and let it be in the world in your own reality.

The Highly Sensitive Person: "You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge." (Oneness With All Life) ~Eckhart Tolle