Help me try to figure myself out

[Citizen X]

First of all, hello to everyone, new member here. I know there must be an introductory thread somewhere around here, but right now I cannot be arsed to look for it.

I found this forum by mere luck, I was looking for essays on Lovecraft's Cosmicism and stumbled upon the Atheism thread on this forum. I didn't know what INTP stood for, so I did a quick search, found out about all these different personality types and found myself quite identified with most of what makes up an INPT.

Now, I am not that much eager to trust many of these psychological studies and models, I'm pretty skeptical. The mind is still a very strange thing to figure out and I think rigid models just simplify its working.

Anyway, the thing is this, I am an architect, at least officially. I haven't done much in the practice because of bad luck, incompetence, lack of self esteem, what have you. I'm also an aspiring writer, been so since I was 12 years old, but I am way too critical of myself and stop a few pages after I started writing thinking it isn't good and won't be able to pull it off. I'm working on some meager family business with no future and was thinking about studying a master's degree in Europe, but right now I don't feel like doing anything.

To top it off, my girlfriend of 8 years left me. She was comparing me to some brainless pricks, so she's probably being screwed over by some football player with a big dick as I write this. I've been way more introverted than usual in the last few months.

I'm on a rigid "I don't care about anything" mode right now; I'm a natural born "nihilist" (for lack of a better term) so things don't look too bright to me, the idea of impending failure has been hanging over my head for quite some time now and I have even started thinking about suicide, in a rather playful, bittersweet, not so jokingly manner.

I suppose my question would be if this falls within the parameters of the INTP? Meaning, this sudden urge for self destruction and hopelessness, is it normal on this type of personality type? Or which one, in the contrary?

Thanks, take care.

 

[Latro]

Self-destruction isn't normal for any MBTI type. If it were, MBTI would start approaching a diagnosis of a condition rather than a description of a functional personality type.

Get some help, imo...you seem to be having a bit more trouble than you can deal with (just my two cents; I ask that you not be offended).

 

[Citizen X]

Get some help, imo...you seem to be having a bit more trouble than you can deal with (just my two cents; I ask that you not be offended).

Thanks Latro, no offense taken

 

[snowqueen]

the idea of impending failure has been hanging over my head for quite some time now and I have even started thinking about suicide, in a rather playful, bittersweet, not so jokingly manner.

I suppose my question would be if this falls within the parameters of the INTP? Meaning, this sudden urge for self destruction and hopelessness, is it normal on this type of personality type? Or which one, in the contrary?

Thanks, take care.

I agree with Latro - this is not the right place to be asking for help if this is your state of mind - please consider seeing a professional - your doctor should be able to refer you.

 

[Beat Mango]

I'm on a rigid "I don't care about anything" mode right now; I'm a natural born "nihilist" (for lack of a better term) so things don't look too bright to me, the idea of impending failure has been hanging over my head for quite some time now and I have even started thinking about suicide, in a rather playful, bittersweet, not so jokingly manner.

I suppose my question would be if this falls within the parameters of the INTP? Meaning, this sudden urge for self destruction and hopelessness, is it normal on this type of personality type? Or which one, in the contrary?

Thanks, take care.

No, it would never be "normal" under any psychological profile, but we do seem to be more prone to it. There are quite a few threads on it (depression), check them out.

And yeah, get some help (unfortunately, "get some help" is used as an insult these days which clouds its meaning, but I don't mean it like that)

 

[Jesin]

(Thread moved to the intro section.)

I agree with Latro - this is not the right place to be asking for help if this is your state of mind - please consider seeing a professional - your doctor should be able to refer you.

It isn't? (link)

Eh, yeah, professional help might be a good idea anyway. But still.

 

[Toad]

You are an architect? I am interested in going to school to become one. What do you feel about your profession? Do you enjoy it? Do you feel as an INTP you are more suited for it?

 

[fullerene]

akh, y'beat me to it jes.

Yeah... it's definitely not normal for any type (like latro said, it'd be used as a diagnosis tool if it were), but I have heard that male INFPs and female INTPs have the highest suicide rates of all. I'm less willing to suggest professional help, because I've heard a lot of bad-psychiatrist stories from INxP types. If you get yourself an ESxJ psychiatrist, there seems to be a lot of grating.


Please don't take my suspicion the wrong way.... but what exactly were you googling about lovecraft's cosmicism when you stumbled upon this forum? We've just had the same person make 3 different accounts here, caused much trouble, got everyone mad, etc... and you remind me strongly of him. I don't want to be a jerk, if you're an honest person, but I googled a few phrases regarding lovecraft's cosmicism, and this forum didn't show up anywhere close to the beginning. I won't hound you if you've forgotten, or anything, but if you remember what you googled to get this forum to pop up, could you let us know? It would help put my mind at ease a little bit.

 

[Kuu]

Yeah, I do think the sense of impending doom, cynical hopelessness and nihilistic suicidal thoughts are common for INTPs that are in a particular low mood... At least we seem to have an inclination towards it. There are, after all, several threads about it.


So INTP architects actually do exist? At least officially? I thought they were a myth. I second SlyGuy's questions, considering that I am actually studying to become one, and all that.

 

[Citizen X]

Please don't take my suspicion the wrong way.... but what exactly were you googling about lovecraft's cosmicism when you stumbled upon this forum? We've just had the same person make 3 different accounts here, caused much trouble, got everyone mad, etc... and you remind me strongly of him. I don't want to be a jerk, if you're an honest person, but I googled a few phrases regarding lovecraft's cosmicism, and this forum didn't show up anywhere close to the beginning.

It's good that you're skeptic, the world is in dire need of more.

I'm an avid reader of Existential horror fiction, like Lovecraft's and Ligotti's, and I really like the literary theories behind writers' ideas and fixations, so I was looking for more info on Lovecraft's take on his own philosophy, which is abundant all throughout the Cthulhu mythos. I simply wrote "Cosmicism, Lovecraft" on Google and it lead me to this thread on this forum: (I'm linking to the message containing "Cosmicism" and "Lovecraft")

http://www.intpforum.com/showpost.php?p=85063&postcount=127

I'm normally not suicidal or anything, actually I'm starting to feel a little better. It's just that the last three years haven't been what I expected after graduation, that's all. My girl left me for some jerk after eight years of happy moments; I had already bought a wedding ring and was going to give it to her in a couple of months; I couldn't stand my working environment, I had a run in with my previous boss and had to walk out of the job (which I liked) and now I am in a no future job. That's three years, I guess I let the blues get the better of me. For the last few days the entire length of the day feels like some kind of dream, I really am in no mood of doing anything to better myself. I've been studying Krav Maga for some time now, and that's the only time of the day when I feel alive, while wasting away in a gritty environment fending against multiple attackers (In fact I'm just returning from training). I've made some mates there, and sometimes we go out for a drink, although obviously I'm the quite guy of the bunch.

Don't worry guys, I'm not going to blow my brains away, I'm really feeling much better now, i've been on this mood for, what, one week? maybe two? the effects are starting to wear off.

As for architecture, the thing is this: I love architecture, damn it, I really do, but I wasn't a model student. (Except when I studied in Barcelona, back then I was an ace, don't know why or how) Back then my mind used to wander in other things. My teachers used to tell me that I had very good ideas and proposals, my only problem was my presentation of the ideas, that's why whenever I had to do a team work, I teamed with the best renderers and graphic designer people to get things done. The problem of teaming up with other architects is that everyone wants to impose his or her ideas in the project. Sometimes I got lucky and everyone on the team was satisfied with just doing the representative work, giving me full control of the creative process (although I always tried to get everyone to collaborate and give ideas, which they eventually did) other times I had little say on the project and had to suck it in, it's merely luck.

But again, my mind wandered in other issues and many of my classes were credited with pretty much "average" scores, sometimes bordering on failing grades. But I managed to graduate with a good score, considering the pains and sufferings they brought into us (Long sleepless nights, various project deadlines for the same day, arrogant judges that would tell you to change career because you didn't have an idea bout "good" design, etc)

I was recently working in some ideas for low cost, well made and pretty nice modular schools. I'm an upper middle class guy in a country where many live in poverty (Mexico) and many public schools are simply falling apart; they're made with really cheap materials and man power, plus they are butt ugly. I came up with this idea and tried to market it, but the levels of corruption and "family business" here are astronomical. Basically, since public schooling is managed by the government, they told me to go fuck myself since they already had somebody who built and managed those god awful schools and he wasn't simply going to let some Joe get into his market.

So that's another reason why I've been down a little, since I was counting on this as a ticket out of my current predicament.

Right now I'm thinking about studying a master's degree in architecture and urban planing at the University of Newcastle, UK. Not just because, as an architect, I need to keep updated, but because I also want a change of air. I studied in Europe for two years and loved it to death, in fact I was going to stay in Barcelona, but I screwed up big time. I'm looking for a scholarship program, so I'm looking around.

Actually right now I feel much, much better. I guess I needed to write some of this stuff down. I really don't trust anybody with whom I can openly talk about this, so I guess an anonymous internet forum with somewhat like minded people helps.

Anyway, thanks for reading, if any of you two guys have any questions about architecture, don't doubt about dropping a message at my PM box.

 

[Ermine]

I have heard that male INFPs and female INTPs have the highest suicide rates of all.

Thanks for the encouragement. :S

But yeah, you may find a lot of sentiments you can relate to in this forum in the various depression threads, but like everyone else said, get a professional.

And welcome to the forum.

 

[fullerene]

hm..... to be honest, I'm still not convinced. When I googled it, at least, it turned up on page 13.... but, of course, I don't know if US-google works the same as mexico (or UK--if you're there at school now?) google... plus the possibility that you just searched through 13 pages, is cool. However, your taking-a-very-strange-accusation-in-stride was uncanny, and your English is very good for someone from mexico . For the record, I really do think you're this same guy.

however, on thinking about it a little bit, I decided that it doesn't even matter if you're the same guy or not. I'm not going to treat you any differently if you're not, I wouldn't treat him any differently if it was him again, and it seems quite like a waste of energy, to me, to try and figure it out. Plus, given your life situation and how much you're dealing with atm, there's much more to be lost by treating you with suspicion, if you're really you, than there is to be lost by not-treating you with suspicion, if you're really him (hopefully that made sense).

so, on a bit friendlier note, welcome! We now have two mexican architects here

 

[Citizen X]

Thanks for the encouragement. :S

But yeah, you may find a lot of sentiments you can relate to in this forum in the various depression threads, but like everyone else said, get a professional.

And welcome to the forum.

Thanks for the heads up, Ermine

But I feel better now. I suppose it's normal to feel down when you build a complex picture of your future life and you see that in three years things haven't been swell. I'm 27 years old, in just three years I'll walk right into my 30's and I still feel like I haven't done anything worthwhile, so I guess it is normal to feel down. This whole suicidal idea was just a phase from the last week or two, maybe just an exercise in imagination?

I don't feel like a need to see a professional, I don't think this is medical, just intellectual. We live in an age where everyone feels the need to be medicated for any reason, hell, even kids are medicated for doing kiddie stuff.

Thanks for your concern, though, I appreciate it

I really do feel better now. What I wrote originally, I wrote it in the morning and I was feeling really, really down. It's just a phase.

 

[Ermine]

Nice to know.

 

[Citizen X]

and your English is very good for someone from mexico . For the record, I really do think you're this same guy.

Well, I have a gift for languages. I first studied English with a private teacher from the States, she was just a girl back then, maybe 18 years old, lived here with her family, and I was a 6 or 7 years old kid at the time. I then started buying comics and tried to figure them out and every time the family and I went vacationing to the States I always bought Science Fiction books in English.

I also speak German, French and some Italian and tried to learn some Euskera when I spent time in Basque Country (which is from were most of my family comes from) but THAT one is a truly weird language

You can ask the mods to run an ip search and compare mine with the other guy's, though

 

[fullerene]

nah, haha it's cool. Proxies exist, and I'm sure there are other ways of masking an IP (I'm not very computer literate). His last account ran through tor, so if he were making another account, he'd know both that the mods can check IPs (as do you--so it's common knowledge), and that using tor again would draw even more suspicion (as, obviously, the mods would never check his IP unless they were suspicious in the first place). He was also more than smart-enough to set things up so that he couldn't be traced that way, and the fact that you initiated the suggestion yourself makes it that much less worthwhile to ask them to do. If you're curious or want to, try to read how you said that last sentence in a different mindset--as if you were someone who thought you were pretending to be someone else--can't it just as easily have seemed like the little taunt from someone who knew they were safe? Whoever you are, I would expect them to find nothing out of the ordinary.

plus, it really doesn't matter. I'm not going to act any differently towards any of your posts, or think anything different of you either way. Good points are still good points, regardless of who makes them, and faults are still faults, regardless of who has them. That's part of the beauty of forums... ideas get to speak for themselves .


I only know english (and a little bit of spanish--just enough to get by), but really should know more. I like learning languages, and am especially fascinated by Language itself. Someone I know was raised to speak 7 different languages by her dad (the guy's a bit....academic?), and I'm really jealous of it. Your english is flawless, so if you speak each of the others equally well, then you're a very talented individual.

 

[snowqueen]

(Thread moved to the intro section.)



It isn't? (link)

Eh, yeah, professional help might be a good idea anyway. But still.

Point taken Jesin

I guess that WS had been posting here a while and so people had a sense of her and she had developed a trust with people here before posting and we knew that she had had some contacts with professionals. Whereas to start off by revealing suicidal thoughts and saying he is specifically asking for help is another thing - personally as an ex-mental health professional it's always best to get people to see someone and not try to deal with such things.

Sorry - to me this is very serious stuff as I have worked with suicidal people in the past.

 

[callmemigs]

Anyway, the thing is this, I am an architect, at least officially. I haven't done much in the practice because of bad luck, incompetence, lack of self esteem, what have you. I'm also an aspiring writer, been so since I was 12 years old, but I am way too critical of myself and stop a few pages after I started writing thinking it isn't good and won't be able to pull it off. I'm working on some meager family business with no future and was thinking about studying a master's degree in Europe, but right now I don't feel like doing anything.

To top it off, my girlfriend of 8 years left me. She was comparing me to some brainless pricks, so she's probably being screwed over by some football player with a big dick as I write this. I've been way more introverted than usual in the last few months.

I'm on a rigid "I don't care about anything" mode right now; I'm a natural born "nihilist" (for lack of a better term) so things don't look too bright to me, the idea of impending failure has been hanging over my head for quite some time now and I have even started thinking about suicide, in a rather playful, bittersweet, not so jokingly manner.

I suppose my question would be if this falls within the parameters of the INTP? Meaning, this sudden urge for self destruction and hopelessness, is it normal on this type of personality type? Or which one, in the contrary?

Thanks, take care.

LOL. But seriously, I guess your girlfriend leaving you made a serious blow.

Anyway, to answer your question, this actually falls in the parameters of INTPs but this doesn't fall in the parameter of being an INTP. I hope you get what I mean. For most INTPs (I don't know about the statistics but oh well, just sayin'!), at least hopelessness is normal but it's not necessarilly normal for being an INTP. I mean, you don't need to feel spells of depression everynow and then just to prove yourself an INTP. As for the case of self-destruction, if you mean in physical ways, as far as I know, INTPs would usually withdraw into their room and never get out (again, I'm not sure about the statistics I'm talking about).

I know this because I'm almost borderline INTP eventhough INTJ was the result the last time I took the test.

My advice: Don't try to overthink your problems but rather do something about it.

 

[The Fury]

Welcome to the forum Citizen X(III)?

I've never suffered from depression so I can't really offer you any advice, but getting professional help can never really hurt. Well apart from those rare cases where the patient comes in complaining of a mild case of anxiety, is diagnosed with OCD, put on antidepressants and has their life completely fucked up.

I'm sure that won't happen to you though.

 

[Beat Mango]

Welcome to the forum Citizen X(III)?

I've never suffered from depression so I can't really offer you any advice, but getting professional help can never really hurt. Well apart from those rare cases where the patient comes in complaining of a mild case of anxiety, is diagnosed with OCD, put on antidepressants and has their life completely fucked up.

I'm sure that won't happen to you though.

What do you mean?? I have mild anxiety, I have a bit of OCD, I was on anti-depressants

 

[Hawkeye]

My mild case of OCD was cured when my brother destroyed one of my favourite symmetrical models accidentally when we were younger. My case was very mild where I used to do silly things like balance the left and right sides of my body out. If I winked twice with my left eye I would have to repeat it with the other eye at some point during the day.

I loved that model so much that I carried on playing with it in its ugly asymmertical form and it brought a love of asymmetry into my life.

The OCD tendencies have vanished.

 

[Latro]

I don't feel like a need to see a professional, I don't think this is medical, just intellectual. We live in an age where everyone feels the need to be medicated for any reason, hell, even kids are medicated for doing kiddie stuff.

Just because it's not a medical problem doesn't mean a professional can't help you.

I really do feel better now. What I wrote originally, I wrote it in the morning and I was feeling really, really down. It's just a phase.

I have phases like that as well.

 

[Concojones]

Hey Citizen X,

What you posted sounds a bit gloomy indeed. It could be a mild depression or just a rough period. Exercise every day, get your rest, and see if you're ready to attack your goals again. Don't let the past nag at you (it only leads to depression), the future starts today. Good luck!

 

[Toad]

If you feel you can't exercise, i recommend stretching everyday when you wake up.

 

[preilemus]

If you feel you can't exercise, i recommend stretching everyday when you wake up.

 

[Citizen X]

If you feel you can't exercise, i recommend stretching everyday when you wake up.

Thanks for the advice! I can exercise a lot, though. I train in Krav Maga almost all week (tonight I have training as well) and the nights I don't I take a ride with my bicycle.

But I don't do stretching in the morning, I might as well start doing that