oscillatingfractal
a fool
- Local time
- Today 1:35 PM
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2012
- Messages
- 14
I don't know what it means exactly to be an INTP, but after reading up on it I think I may fit the criteria.
Actually, this post is going to be long--I know it. I am going to write about my life. Thank goodness to anonymity (well, kinda) of the internet, I am going to babble on about my boring life, taking comfort in the fact that you can leave this page at any moment you want. I apologize ahead.
I stumbled upon this forum today when I Googled the phrase "looking for intellectual friends." You see, I get sad often. I go in and out of it like leaves change colors. And today I remembered my friend's advice to start surrounding myself with MY friends, not somebody else's. I'm glad I found this forum, because for some reason it instantly made me feel better to know that there's someone else out there looking for friends who enjoy deep conversations. I just hope you can relate to my experiences like I did to others'.
I remember longing for a very close friend, someone to talk to, hopefully for hours and hours without even noticing how the time passes. I grew up in terrible loneliness even with a couple of best friends I would have at a time.
Something was missing, but I quite wasn't capable of determining whether it's normal or not. I grew up thinking everything was absolutely average about me, well maybe a little above average, most every single aspect of me. I even ignored the loneliness, I guess because I was taught to be grateful for everything I have. I mistook the grand message and ended up suppressing all the bad emotions--things like loneliness, jealousy, and anger. I never got into a single argument with my friends. Yet, I yelled and screamed at my own family. When it came time for a relationship, I had no experience "managing" those real feelings, and quite frankly... I wish it were otherwise.
Now, I'll try my best not to make this sound like a blame-game, but my parents did not possess the social tools I needed, and thus could not teach me. Don't get me wrong, they love the crap out of me. They always have. It's just... They weren't capable. At any rate, I, for some reason, was convinced I already have all the tools I need to become sociable. Afterall, my parents are both good people, they must have done everything right in parenting, right? Well I guess that was my childish logic.
So I was looked upon as snobby when I tried to socialize by sharing what interesting (or what I considered interesting) information I have. And I didn't even know it for a very long time.
I became (a little bit) self aware at 22. This also happens to be when I met my mentor. He was a gentleman in his sixties, who shared his many interesting, subtle observations with me. He the only friend I have who can understand the things out of my mouth to the degree he does. He's taught me so much. I became self aware while questioning him and myself where the pain is coming from and how I can get rid of it.
I think I can understand dogs' body language better than I understand what humans say.
One time when I was a kid, I was thinking about how there are many other people who's thinking about the same thing as I am. And then I thought well, then they're thinking about me at this exact moment and I'm thinking about them at this exact moment. Since there's also bound to be someone else who's thinking about that, we're effectively all thinking about each other! Oh this is exciting, I'm going to say hello to whoever's thinking about me right now. Then it would be like us saying hello to each other. I always thought it would be pretty cool to meet whoever said hello to me that day... and a few more times after that.
I love to read. I love playing computers. I regularly try to beat my keyboard typing record. I love music. I enjoy playing video games. I used to be madly into watching animes. I had to pull myself away from some of these addictions because they interfered too much with my life. But now I'm wondering if these are addictive to me for a good reason.
I was a total loner all through school years. In elementary school, I dearly wished for that sense of belonging, but it never came. I eventually learned to give that up. I felt sorta betrayed a few times by my very best friends that I gave all my heart to, but I didn't know I was supposed to defend my feelings. Now I know better.
Towards the end of my elementary school years, I got addicted to online chatting, because that was the only place I could talk to people decades older than me without being ignored like a child. I used to spend hours just chatting away with group of people on all sorts of topics. Meanwhile, I was constantly chased by horrible guilt, due to my parents banning me from chatting online. Because chatting is evil.
My hair was messy, pimples all over the face, glasses and low pony tail. I frequently borrowed my brother's clothes although I'm a girl, because I valued functionality far more than looks. When I got to high school, I even bought guys' shirts to wear.
Fast forward.. amidst the rollercoaster of optimism and pessimism, I learned that I can "act" like the other people and get accepted. I started learning how to put makeup and wear tight clothes and skimpy outfits. I immediately noticed the difference in people's attitude towards me. Suddenly, people don't mind talking to me. Seemed to me like guys were volunteering to be taken advantage by me somehow. I also practiced smiling in front of the mirror. I took on jobs that will force me to talk to strangers and serve them with a smile.
But... I'm still suffering because of my insecurity. Maybe I'm looking for others' recognition; though I doubt it will bring me true satisfaction.
Thank you for listening. I feel a whole inch saner now.
Actually, this post is going to be long--I know it. I am going to write about my life. Thank goodness to anonymity (well, kinda) of the internet, I am going to babble on about my boring life, taking comfort in the fact that you can leave this page at any moment you want. I apologize ahead.
I stumbled upon this forum today when I Googled the phrase "looking for intellectual friends." You see, I get sad often. I go in and out of it like leaves change colors. And today I remembered my friend's advice to start surrounding myself with MY friends, not somebody else's. I'm glad I found this forum, because for some reason it instantly made me feel better to know that there's someone else out there looking for friends who enjoy deep conversations. I just hope you can relate to my experiences like I did to others'.
I remember longing for a very close friend, someone to talk to, hopefully for hours and hours without even noticing how the time passes. I grew up in terrible loneliness even with a couple of best friends I would have at a time.
Something was missing, but I quite wasn't capable of determining whether it's normal or not. I grew up thinking everything was absolutely average about me, well maybe a little above average, most every single aspect of me. I even ignored the loneliness, I guess because I was taught to be grateful for everything I have. I mistook the grand message and ended up suppressing all the bad emotions--things like loneliness, jealousy, and anger. I never got into a single argument with my friends. Yet, I yelled and screamed at my own family. When it came time for a relationship, I had no experience "managing" those real feelings, and quite frankly... I wish it were otherwise.
Now, I'll try my best not to make this sound like a blame-game, but my parents did not possess the social tools I needed, and thus could not teach me. Don't get me wrong, they love the crap out of me. They always have. It's just... They weren't capable. At any rate, I, for some reason, was convinced I already have all the tools I need to become sociable. Afterall, my parents are both good people, they must have done everything right in parenting, right? Well I guess that was my childish logic.
So I was looked upon as snobby when I tried to socialize by sharing what interesting (or what I considered interesting) information I have. And I didn't even know it for a very long time.
I became (a little bit) self aware at 22. This also happens to be when I met my mentor. He was a gentleman in his sixties, who shared his many interesting, subtle observations with me. He the only friend I have who can understand the things out of my mouth to the degree he does. He's taught me so much. I became self aware while questioning him and myself where the pain is coming from and how I can get rid of it.
I think I can understand dogs' body language better than I understand what humans say.
One time when I was a kid, I was thinking about how there are many other people who's thinking about the same thing as I am. And then I thought well, then they're thinking about me at this exact moment and I'm thinking about them at this exact moment. Since there's also bound to be someone else who's thinking about that, we're effectively all thinking about each other! Oh this is exciting, I'm going to say hello to whoever's thinking about me right now. Then it would be like us saying hello to each other. I always thought it would be pretty cool to meet whoever said hello to me that day... and a few more times after that.
I love to read. I love playing computers. I regularly try to beat my keyboard typing record. I love music. I enjoy playing video games. I used to be madly into watching animes. I had to pull myself away from some of these addictions because they interfered too much with my life. But now I'm wondering if these are addictive to me for a good reason.
I was a total loner all through school years. In elementary school, I dearly wished for that sense of belonging, but it never came. I eventually learned to give that up. I felt sorta betrayed a few times by my very best friends that I gave all my heart to, but I didn't know I was supposed to defend my feelings. Now I know better.
Towards the end of my elementary school years, I got addicted to online chatting, because that was the only place I could talk to people decades older than me without being ignored like a child. I used to spend hours just chatting away with group of people on all sorts of topics. Meanwhile, I was constantly chased by horrible guilt, due to my parents banning me from chatting online. Because chatting is evil.
My hair was messy, pimples all over the face, glasses and low pony tail. I frequently borrowed my brother's clothes although I'm a girl, because I valued functionality far more than looks. When I got to high school, I even bought guys' shirts to wear.
Fast forward.. amidst the rollercoaster of optimism and pessimism, I learned that I can "act" like the other people and get accepted. I started learning how to put makeup and wear tight clothes and skimpy outfits. I immediately noticed the difference in people's attitude towards me. Suddenly, people don't mind talking to me. Seemed to me like guys were volunteering to be taken advantage by me somehow. I also practiced smiling in front of the mirror. I took on jobs that will force me to talk to strangers and serve them with a smile.
But... I'm still suffering because of my insecurity. Maybe I'm looking for others' recognition; though I doubt it will bring me true satisfaction.
Thank you for listening. I feel a whole inch saner now.
