Having no friend

[kamp]

Hello everyone,

I am a freshman student. When I was in elementary school, I have a lot of friends. We laughed, we played, and etc. and I haven't any bad sense about them. They "loved" me. But in high school, I became lonely. I cannot even look at my friends' face. I thought they hate me. In break times, I ate my lunch lonely, I went to library lonely. Even I remember I wanted to made a suicide, because I felt I'm the most miserable boy in the world. But I had some friends, we played football, we talk about excitement topics. But I couldn't predict their feels. I thought they are different students from different earth.

Besides, I was actually the best student in my high school. I won several competitions in National and International. I knew more than my age actually. But about feelings, I was poor. I felt they respect me like their professor. I hate that...
Now, I understand social relationship is very important, having a good friend to talk in the most happiest or hardest situations is very very important. But, even I cannot find a friend. I know maybe it is normal for INTPs, but it resent me. I see my high school friends have a lot of friends, they are happy, they go out, and etc. I cannot believe my situation would changed, if I don't changed.

If you were I, how would you come up with this?

 

[EditorOne]

I'm guessing there's no one in your high school who was also in your elementary school.

That's difficult, you are thrust among strangers.

Sometimes what INTPs think is friendship is merely familiarity - you've been around someone for so many years you know all about them and, in a school setting, you've probably seen them at their best and their worst, so you are emotionally comfortable.

That will be the case in high school, as well, but you have to give it some time and help it along by doing more than just the academics. I think you are doing that, I'm just saying "don't stop," no matter how awkward you feel.

In the meantime, do you have any contact at all with the people you went to elementary school with? It seems like that ought to be possible. I'm in contact on the Web with people I went to elementary school with, and that was in the 1950s.

I felt much as you did when I attended college. It was a big school, there was no one there I knew, and I was quite miserable. I can give you a long list of self-destructive things you should avoid if you want.

 

[kamp]

I've graduated from high school. I'm in university now.

Yes, we have a group in Facebook. I'm in touch with all of my elementary school's friends.

Indeed, anything became worst when the time went. In the 9th grade, everything was good. I have friends, we play in the class! In the 10th grade, I hadn't a good friend, I only talk to them about superficial topics. I hate that. In the 11th grade, I had a very good friend. We went to home together and talked about our personal issues. But in 12th grade, I had "no" friend. No. I just study difficult equations and books away from my friends. My emotional life was poor. It has stretched to university.

Yes, actually I want. Share your list with me please!

Thank you very much for your aid.

 

[EditorOne]

Rules for INTPs forced out of their comfort zones:

1. Do not drink alone.
2. Do not do drugs alone.
3. Do not punch out the windows in phone booths. (OK, such things may not exist any more. See #4)
4. Do not punch out the windows in your dormitory.
4a. I was going to say don't go into a bar near Cornell University and pick a fight, but what the heck, so far as I know they are all still putzes.
5. Do not get drunk and go for a ride with a drunk guy named Ron whose last job was driving a tank. He still thinks everything is going to get out of his way.
6. Do not sulk.
7. Do not pout.
8. Do not hibernate or vegetate.
9. Do not think it is all about you. Ask anyone you meet: It's all about them.
10. Embrace the pain: Join any damn club or organization you want, but join and participate even when you would rather set yourself on fire.
11. Stay in touch with ANYONE from your elementary and high school who will chat with you online or whatever. It's a kind of anchor; you can hold fast to it and not drift away when there are emotional storms.
12. Do not think you are the first person to go through this.

How's that for starters? I'm sure others can chip in. Many in here have had a much more normal experience than me.

 

[Sinny91]

On the other hand.. Do all of the above and learn life's lessons

I don't recommend all of them tho, choose wisely.

 

[kamp]

Thank you EditorOne and Sinny91.

I will work to do them, specially 1 through 5.

 

[Yellow]

When I was in college, I met interesting people a few different ways. I was most helpful to sit near other people in class. If the person seemed pretty cool, I'd try to be friendly and a little funny. If the person was an extrovert, it doesn't take much effort to invite conversation. I made a couple of good friends that way.

 

[nanook]

Who needs friends right?

[bimgx=250]http://i.imgur.com/Fe0tunl.jpg[/bimgx]

 

[StevenM]

Looking back at good friendships, there seems to be a pattern at the initiation stage:

Friend of friend - "Want to go to the show sometime to see that movie?"
At work - "Hey, wanna go get a coffee at break?"
In College - "Are you going outside for a smoke?"
In Highschool - "I got some weed. Anyone want to smoke up?"

Yeah, I do remember the very first moments of my relations. I don't forget.

The pattern I see is that I, or someone has an offer. In my experience, it's not too often it doesn't get reciprocated. As long as the offer is casual. Takes a little courage/confidence, the right situation and timing.

 

[onesteptwostep]

I've been in 5 elementary schools in 2 countries, 3 middle schools also in 2 countries, and 3 high schools in three countries. In total, I've been in 13 different schools for my primary education, if preschool and kindergarten are included. I moved schools and cities every one~two years or so, for nearly 20 years. The size of the schools varied from 500 to 3,000+ students. I've pretty much seen it all; public, private, rural, suburban, urban, secular, religious, all white, all oriental, mixed. But I'm still not good at adapting and making new friends, tbh. And it truly, truly annoys the crap out of me when I come to the realization that I have to move again.

In retrospect, I do regret not making as much friend as I should have, but I also value how much I learned from various places and try to cherish those experiences, whether they be good or bad. There's something valuable and worthwhile in each experience, when you review them without prejudice and in calm. Slopping down on your predicament may have its subjective values, but in reality they slow down your life progress- it's simply an objective truth. Being at the top of something sometimes might be lonely, but in most cases it seems to pay itself in the end; personally, it's something I have hope and faith in. Don't let the end of high school or some slump in college be something that brings you down, life hardly started for you.

I don't wanna be a dick or anything, but once your friends start having relationships and start to live their young adult lives their circle of friends are going to slimmer down. Marriage happens and then kids. Things cool down, and they'll probably wish they'd studied more in school once they taste the dread of working life. You've heard of the term 'midlife crisis', right? Those people in their late 30s and 40/50s whining about life's bittersweet existential paranoia? Just savor that fictional alter-reality if you get burned out :P Also, think of your parents and the sacrifices they've made so that you were able to get that great education, and the sacrifices they made to provide you the environment in which you were able to succeed academically. Don't you think they realize your sacrifice of your social life to achieve such high a standard? Try speaking to them, I'm sure they'll understand.

Social life has its flux, but knowledge is forever.

 

[Pyropyro]

Social life has its flux, but knowledge is forever.

Why not get both? Having a good social network actually makes it easier to gather knowledge and even intel.

But yeah, I agree that social life isn't static especially with my contemporaries getting married. Fortunately, I'm usually friends to both husband and wife so I still get to hang out to them.

 

[onesteptwostep]

I dunno. I sort of have qualms about it. For me, when I try to 'focus' on trying to get into a social group I find that I have to sacrifice someone in that ecology of people to be in a group. It also restricts your ability to gather information and garner perspectives, because you have to stick to one side and 'be' it; a part of that group and its opinions, or be a 'silence' of them. Basically to join in on the gossip, or live my life screaming internally incessant. That was what I thought when I was younger though. For example most of the times, when I moved to a new school it was the weirdos that came to me first. Once I got to know the entire school/class and how the social ecology, or simply sociology of it worked, I sort of felt guilty for betraying the people who came out to me in the beginning. I always got paralyzed by that. It's probably was a rationalization/defensive mechanism thing for my inability to juggle and manage social bonds/relationships- basically, knowing how to manage friendships and relationships... but, how was a kid who moved every year supposed to know? You hadn't the experience of a good social bond, a cultured, deep friendship lasting from your elementary years. I was a classic example of an NT, I didn't have any NF/SF capabilities.

I sort of have a better understand of how it works now, though only too late. The dominant social group, from their perspective, had to leave the others behind or they couldn't enjoy the things that they wanted, and I understand that now. I couldn't squeeze in the two groups, I had to choose if I were to survive, socially. To pick the dominant group however was betrayal. I picked the lesser evil and just lived on with life. I felt like I was always with the social underdogs. And to a point, from the perspective of today, I don't regret my choices at all. I still keep in touch with these guys, and they always seem grateful for my friendship at the time. And they're the ones who are doing their PhDs, their masters, working in think tanks and so on, not the ones from the dominant social groups. It doesn't mean they're better the the other kids, but to put things in objective perspective, I made a better choice for the long run. My network is arguably much bigger.

Right now work and family matters sort of force my attention away from social/friendship stuff, as with most young adults (I think? well maybe not the family matter part). Friendships are really just a "luxury for the adolescent" imo. They're awesome if you can maintain them, but become a burden if you want to be in charge of them. Priorities change when you get older.

In theory I agree though, about having a vibrant communal social life. A social life can help you squeeze a lot of information from people, let's you enjoy a lot of things together in life. For most people it's through that that they find their mates as well. Looking at my past history of 'social lives', I sort of erk at it, but moving on, yes, social lives are a must for the most part.

Spoiler

edit: I was searching for that triangle thing in college but found this. this picture sums up my thoughts nicely and more : http://24.media.tumblr.com/566cdf459079dcb58b62c97d8645047f/tumblr_mlsl0actdF1r205hzo4_500.jpg

 

[TheManBeyond]

I've become "friends" with a large amount of cocksuckers, and what i've seen is that most of people just want a laugh and dance, promote ourselves among other higher ranking groups thing, no worries, for the sake of myself. They don't want to make a deep bound of confidence because then the true face will be revealed and thus commited. When something is not working nobody says anything, nobody hears anything and nobody sees anything. It is just part of the process, the way "we" should operate.
You can't say the wrong thing, you can't act naturally, you can't avoid being fake if you want to stay in a "friendship", why should i want any of these near if they'll only show up to visit me when i'm tied with chains in hands and feets?
Besides that, true friends (or at least really cool and caring people) do happen in a very few occasions the rest is pure burocratic bullshit.

 

[EditorOne]

Yes, many people are, to our view, superficial. Nevertheless that's often all you've got to work with, so: Next.​

 

[kamp]

When I was in college, I met interesting people a few different ways. I was most helpful to sit near other people in class. If the person seemed pretty cool, I'd try to be friendly and a little funny. If the person was an extrovert, it doesn't take much effort to invite conversation. I made a couple of good friends that way.

Thank you guys, finally you are good friends.

Yellow, I understand what you mean, I have felt that. But when I get older, talking to others changed to the most difficult thing in my life. For example, the professor asks students who knows the answer. I know, but I cannot raise my hand. I want to do that, but every time my heart starts to beat madly. Or in an another class, I want to talk with a boy that he is good at math, I am too. But I cannot. I want to discuss with him about Abstract Algebra. He is sociable, but I am not.

 

[kamp]

Looking back at good friendships, there seems to be a pattern at the initiation stage:

Friend of friend - "Want to go to the show sometime to see that movie?"
At work - "Hey, wanna go get a coffee at break?"
In College - "Are you going outside for a smoke?"
In Highschool - "I got some weed. Anyone want to smoke up?"

Yeah, I do remember the very first moments of my relations. I don't forget.

The pattern I see is that I, or someone has an offer. In my experience, it's not too often it doesn't get reciprocated. As long as the offer is casual. Takes a little courage/confidence, the right situation and timing.

Yes, courage is very important. Maybe the only thing I and others like me should improve to become sociable. Maybe I need time. Thank you.

 

[kamp]

I've been in 5 elementary schools in 2 countries, 3 middle schools also in 2 countries, and 3 high schools in three countries. In total, I've been in 13 different schools for my primary education, if preschool and kindergarten are included. I moved schools and cities every one~two years or so, for nearly 20 years. The size of the schools varied from 500 to 3,000+ students. I've pretty much seen it all; public, private, rural, suburban, urban, secular, religious, all white, all oriental, mixed. But I'm still not good at adapting and making new friends, tbh. And it truly, truly annoys the crap out of me when I come to the realization that I have to move again.

In retrospect, I do regret not making as much friend as I should have, but I also value how much I learned from various places and try to cherish those experiences, whether they be good or bad. There's something valuable and worthwhile in each experience, when you review them without prejudice and in calm. Slopping down on your predicament may have its subjective values, but in reality they slow down your life progress- it's simply an objective truth. Being at the top of something sometimes might be lonely, but in most cases it seems to pay itself in the end; personally, it's something I have hope and faith in. Don't let the end of high school or some slump in college be something that brings you down, life hardly started for you.

I don't wanna be a dick or anything, but once your friends start having relationships and start to live their young adult lives their circle of friends are going to slimmer down. Marriage happens and then kids. Things cool down, and they'll probably wish they'd studied more in school once they taste the dread of working life. You've heard of the term 'midlife crisis', right? Those people in their late 30s and 40/50s whining about life's bittersweet existential paranoia? Just savor that fictional alter-reality if you get burned out :P Also, think of your parents and the sacrifices they've made so that you were able to get that great education, and the sacrifices they made to provide you the environment in which you were able to succeed academically. Don't you think they realize your sacrifice of your social life to achieve such high a standard? Try speaking to them, I'm sure they'll understand.

Social life has its flux, but knowledge is forever.

I agree with you. I can progress my academical life without social relations. But I fear, everyone have break time. My friends go to Cafe, where can I go? Sit down and study? Yes, I enjoy reading. Reading psychology, physics, everything. I love solitude. But there are some times that I really wish I could exchange my other abilities with just one hour talking to that guys.

I really comprehend your sentences word by word. I feel your opinion. You really understood my dilemma. Thank you!

 

[Yellow]

Thank you guys, finally you are good friends.

Yellow, I understand what you mean, I have felt that. But when I get older, talking to others changed to the most difficult thing in my life. For example, the professor asks students who knows the answer. I know, but I cannot raise my hand. I want to do that, but every time my heart starts to beat madly. Or in an another class, I want to talk with a boy that he is good at math, I am too. But I cannot. I want to discuss with him about Abstract Algebra. He is sociable, but I am not.

I understand that fear. I have gone through several periods in which the fear of doing anything remotely social made my heart pound and my voice break. What always pushed me forward, was the knowledge that I could not allow such an irrational emotion dictate my actions.