Haven't had the will to post much lately

[Cognisant]

I'm in a weird state of mind these days, I don't feel much or really care about anything and I can't tell if that's a good or a bad thing, it just is. Like my life is a movie and I'm just watching it impassively, neither bored nor engaged just patiently waiting it out.

How should I feel about that?

I'm concerned that there's something wrong with me mentally, but nothing feels wrong, of course if something is wrong I can't trust my own perception because that may be part of the issue. Rationally I find my abrupt change in mentality alarming because normally that would mean something's happened but nothing comes to mind, I'm not even sure when it occurred it just seems recent.

 

[Black Rose]

It doesn't have to be traumatic to have a phase transition. I have experienced this sense you have. It to me felt like the universe was empty. And I was the only one in it. Others were isolated from me. I still knew they existed but I had the feeling that the universe was indifferent to me and them. What I went through was disassociation. I had nothing to care about either. But I loved walking in the empty mall at 8 am. It felt like my home. Because I knew this place was full of life. I would think about the Tech Singularity on the group walks. The group home was 3 blocks away from the mall. I'd sit in the bookstore on the weekend. I like malls because they feel like caves. My dreams feel like caves. But the feeling of aloneness being in the universe is contrasted by the feeling that the universe is not empty and that someday it will be that way always. I have things that I love and the feelings of that never left me. They will never leave me and knew I would have them again when the aloneness past. I knew this even as I shut down and stopped doing things. Even in my brokenness, deep down I still had hope.

 

[kora]

Maybe you have finally achieved nirvana.

Do you wish things were different? You say you can't tell if it's good or bad, which means you're not suffering from it, right? Clearly you don't exactly feel at peace with this state either.

Edit: Your signature is bugging me, not philosophically but grammatically. It should be qualia don't exist, seeing as it's a plural? the singular is quale. A quale, several qualia. Of course, poets always have free license to say fuck you to grammar rules.

 

[Minuend]

It's a pretty normal sign of depression- apathy or anhedonia. Might be something else, though

 

[Rook]

Ennui? No... willing to experiment with the parameters and potential potency of yer state o mind? For science ofc.

Putting yourself in different physical spaces may expand the understanding of your state, change perhaps becoming mental/biological.

Doing things you've never done, going to places never visited and speaking to folk you never would have spoken too. On weekends a new bar or library or club, attending random public events, randomness: no sugar in coffee, wear only shorts for a week, drive with windows open, honk at red lights, speak with any hoboes that might exist... test habits for the sake of testing them.

After that, if there is a change that ye like, greaaat(scottish director Cleese voice), you simply have grown indifferent in a rut.

If no change, state that you describe be rigid, must it be countered or kept?
If negative response to new stimuli... idk, stay the same I guess.

Considering my lack of data and experience, this scheme might be greatly innefectual, though an interesting experimental endeavour.

 

[Pyropyro]

I think this is the start of aTi-Si feedback loop Cog. Your encyclopedia has little new material and it can only squeeze out so much data when you are running on fumes. I strongly suggest finding something to kickstart your Ne ASAP.

If I remember correctly you got women problems again. You feel unactualized and have low self-confidence. You can feel that and they can sense that too.

You deserve to be fulfilled and happy so you got to develop yourself to acheive that. We are here to provide feedback if you need it.

 

[Cognisant]

It's a pretty normal sign of depression- apathy or anhedonia. Might be something else, though

I went to the bakery today sat down with a coffee and had a good long think.

I think I've had a crisis of faith recently and yes I'm actually using that horrid word in reference to myself. Not faith in science, no amount of belief will make something work that doesn't, no I mean faith in people, faith in progress, a belief that things are getting better. Not just on the grand scale but personally as well, I've always found comfort in my vision of the future but it's a vision I've lost sight of, I can't see it anymore but it's still there I just can't see it and maybe that uncertainty isn't such a bad thing.

I've reaffirmed some things, shaken off a little rust, refilled the crazy tank, added another for good measure, how did I forget how good this feels, I'm mad and I like it!

 

[Black Rose]

I've always found comfort in my vision of the future but it's a vision I've lost sight of

What do you hope for?

 

[Perfectly Normal Beast]

perhaps you are dead

Spoiler

The Dead Man Walking - Thomas Hardy

They hail me as one living,
But don't they know
That I have died of late years,
Untombed although?

I am but a shape that stands here,
A pulseless mould,
A pale past picture, screening
Ashes gone cold.

Not at a minute's warning,
Not in a loud hour,
For me ceased Time's enchantments
In hall and bower.

There was no tragic transit,
No catch of breath,
When silent seasons inched me
On to this death ....

- A Troubadour-youth I rambled
With Life for lyre,
The beats of being raging
In me like fire.

But when I practised eyeing
The goal of men,
It iced me, and I perished
A little then.

When passed my friend, my kinsfolk,
Through the Last Door,
And left me standing bleakly,
I died yet more;

And when my Love's heart kindled
In hate of me,
Wherefore I knew not, died I
One more degree.

And if when I died fully
I cannot say,
And I changed into the corpse-thing
I am to-day,

Yet is it that, though whiling
The time somehow
In walking, talking, smiling,
I live not now.