Have an alter-ego ?

[BurnedOut]

I am not *talking about having DID*.

I will be honest about myself over here, a lot of my overzealous, overenthusiastic, highbrow and cynical behaviour which I project both in my daily life and occasionally in my posts may be explained by Freudian's psychoanalysis which I have begun to peruse lately.

It is pointless to point fingers at anyone but rather rationalise and try to get the deletorious part of me under control which I have been slowly succeeding to do so with a supportive relationship and new gotten friends.

I discovered painfully after a lot of analysis which went on for a year is that I possess an alter-ego inside me, a part of me that turns into a hostile, sadistic creature where I enjoy hurting and seeking pain and put myself into conflicts unnecessarily just for the sake of curiousity. After some while, I end up getting out of it and feel swooning guilt resulting from the perverted behaviour with memories that I am hesitant to attribute to myself, in this case, the real personage which I immanently possessed as a child. I have seen some gruesome psychologically malefic things which corrupted the whole framework of morality in my mind. The memories I mentioned before seem not-me of sorts. And I have difficulty accepting that the person was actually 'me'. However in a bid to ameliorate strained relations with the other personage, I tend to own up to it and apologise but I don't have an idea till what time will people believe and accept me.

Historically, I tend to reject counselling because I am able to predict the next words of the counsellor. I am disallowed to be on drugs by my parents since they fear overdosing (which is experimentation according to me).I know it is a big thing to share it online but I hope someone could even partially relate or somehow understand because I seek analysis and relatable incidents and possible ways to cope with it.

 

[aiyanah]

you aren't truly liberated until you learn to control the many monsters within.
what is of value to note is that not all the supposed monsters within fashion themselves as monsters.

 

[Ex-User (13503)]

Congrats on discovering your shadow.

 

[BurnedOut]

Congrats on discovering your shadow.

Sounds loaded.

I feel it's the defensive mechanisms my psyche adopts to fend any more harm to my ego. I don't want to succumb to boilerplates but I can hypothise that my ego is trying to hold my id like steam in a pressure cooker which is pressurised beyond its threshold.

 

[Ex-User (13503)]

Not loaded, just honest because I'm in a fairly no-bullshit mood, and a catalyst, if you want to take the initiative to learn about it.

https://www.intpforum.com/threads/the-beebe-model.27372/

 

[Ex-User (14663)]

Associate yourself with good people, minimize interaction with toxic people, develop a personality ethic and try to stick to it, develop a habit of positive emotions, minimize intellectual-jerking-off as a comfort zone detached from practical reality (all those fancy words in the OP might be a symptom, I dunno). I don't believe in layers of self. The self is just a collection of habits, manifesting themselves in accordance with circumstances.

 

[BurnedOut]

Associate yourself with good people, minimize interaction with toxic people, develop a personality ethic and try to stick to it, develop a habit of positive emotions, minimize intellectual-jerking-off as a comfort zone detached from practical reality (all those fancy words in the OP might be a symptom, I dunno). I don't believe in layers of self. The self is just a collection of habits, manifesting themselves in accordance with circumstances.

The vocabulary is imperative to match my university standards. I don't know if it sounds fancy or not but I've no intention to be highfalutin/grandiloquent.
Anyway about the toxic friends' affair, I do have a tendency to go and try to be a Messiah for the downtrodden only to throw a massive anger fit at the same person after realising that they are stuck in a 'while true' loop of misery without a 'break' in it

 

[BurnedOut]

Not loaded, just honest because I'm in a fairly no-bullshit mood, and a catalyst, if you want to take the initiative to learn about it.

https://www.intpforum.com/threads/the-beebe-model.27372/

Roger that sarge. I saw a lot of Freudian stuff in it. It is better than the explanations I normally read about MBTI

 

[moody]

This is what I read from you:
1. You have a "hostile, sadistic" part of yourself that enjoys "hurting" (others, or just yourself?) "...and seeking pain" and "conflict" out of "curiosity." When ruminating on any of this behavior, you feel guilty.

2.You exhibit "overzealous, overenthusiastic, highbrow and cynical behavior," that you have gotten a suitable explanation for through reading the way Freud analyzed people.

3. In another comment, you mentioned that that you often make friends with "downtrodden" people, acting as a psuedo "Messiah...only to throw a massive anger fit at the same person after realizing that they are stuck in a 'while true' loop of misery without a 'break' in it."

4. You don't want to see therapists because you already know what they're going to say, and it's not helpful.

How I can relate:
1. I considered myself a funamentally bad person for as long as I can remember, but I never put it into words the way you have of yourself. I reflect on myslef more in colors, sound, and image associations. I usually have a sensation that just "fits" with a part of myself I'm thinking about.

2. I can definately relate here, but I've not thought it to be explained by Frued analysis. For me, Jung's lectures struck a particular chord about this. (I think I may be able to pinpoint which one exactly, if you'd care to read).

3. I did something like this with friends at a very young age, unintentionally...I realized very quickly that it never works when you're analyzing someone based off of what you know about yourself. Everyone has their own answers, because everyone just has their own biological quirks + unique enviornmental experiences that just creates a different brain with different needs.

4. Um. This is every interaction with every authority figure for me. I've been told I'm quietly defiant....

What I think, if you care:
There's no such thing as a "core" self, no particular ego of yourself that is who you "really" are. Every behavior you exhibit is a part of you. You "dark" side is like a tiger mauling an innanimate object. Our adaptations are our cerebral cortex, which allows us insane problem-solving and categorizing skills to thrive. If you live in a stable enviornment....well, there's a reason why lion cubs can greatly injure a human they know when "playing" too roughly. Only you can figure out how to channel this, but cognitive behavior therapy has always been particularly effective with a mirrad of things. Only, you have to be open and find a good therapist. Both are very difficult.

Frued was a brilliant man, and Freudian psychoanalysis has a lot of fundamental truths. What Freud points out is always there, but his assertion of what things mean are pitfalls. Do not take all of his work as truth, nor would it give you everything to solve yourself. Freud eyes provide a single pair or insightful lens to look at the self, but it's always best to try on many. Psychology 101, abnormal psychology, sociology works like Durkheim, physiological psychology, psychological works from Frued and Jung, etc., are all good resources to help map out the way you view yourself. And we need self; otherwise we get distructive to ourselves and inevitably the people around us.

Try meditating.