Halp. I am totally a coward when it comes to ending relationships.

[LOLZ9000]

I literally let them go on for 1+ years too long because I am scared to have the conversation (inferior Fe). The idea of a painful back and forth and trying to find a nice way to let them down without feeling bad about themselves and without hating me - well, it causes me to overanalyze and get really anxious and just put the whole thing off.

This happened with my ISFP girlfriend a few years ago. We only broke up when she brought up the "where is this going" talk after 3 years (she was looking to have kids and get married) and that's when we were able to end it.

Now with my ESTJ girlfriend, I feel like her personality is so strong it's almost impossible to break up. I've tried a few times in the last year but her overwhelming optimism and forcefulness that we can work out always gets me to give in and give it another try. To be fair, there is nothing wrong with the relationship at all. I just don't feel that deep level of connection, and it wears on me.

Another issue is that I've always second guessing whether or not I really should end the relationship or if I'm just being too picky and negative about things. Since it's hard to find a satisfactory answer to this question, I just keep on analyzing and never make a decision.

I'm really scared of having the talk, but in my heart I feel that now that I've learned about MBTI and understand why I always end up feeling unfulfilled by my S-type girlfriends, maybe I can finally give it a shot with someone more compatible. I'm just too much of a coward to end this. Any advice?

 

[TheManBeyond]

Now with my ESTJ girlfriend, I feel like her personality is so strong it's almost impossible to break up. I've tried a few times in the last year but her overwhelming optimism and forcefulness that we can work out always gets me to give in and give it another try. To be fair, there is nothing wrong with the relationship at all. I just don't feel that deep level of connection, and it wears on me.

Another issue is that I've always second guessing whether or not I really should end the relationship or if I'm just being too picky and negative about things. Since it's hard to find a satisfactory answer to this question, I just keep on analyzing and never make a decision.

I'm really scared of having the talk, but in my heart I feel that now that I've learned about MBTI and understand why I always end up feeling unfulfilled by my S-type girlfriends, maybe I can finally give it a shot with someone more compatible. I'm just too much of a coward to end this. Any advice?

Her personality is too strong to break up? hahahah wut
my experience with an ESTJ girl. it wasn't that i thought she was too strong, actually when u know the person loves you but you don't, then you have all the power. so for me it was easy, thing was i didn't know when to tell her, every moment seemed to be too impulsive, because relationship was cool but as you say i didn't feel deep connection, i always thought i liked her in a way, like friendly more than passionate love.

For me the problem was also that i didn't know anyone who could replace her, i know it sounds awful, but when there's already some girl waiting in line then it's easier, besides i'm a lonely guy, not many friends, just girls. So i admit that i was thinking of it for around 2 weeks, that was the time it took me to find another lover (crazy girl sexually speaking).

What i told my ESTJ: look this is not going anywhere i don't love you. we are are too different, i am open for other things in life, i feel too young to compromise, etc man. answer all her questions and keep it friendly, understand her pain and stuff.
after around 2 weeks my ESTJ said fuck off to me and blocked me everywhere. even tho i was treating her nicely. it just has to happen. surprise, doubt, anxiety, anger, joy, sadness, recovery.
You'l be fine!, maybe you even kind of miss her for some days for some minutes but then it's gone.

 

[Jennywocky]

I literally let them go on for 1+ years too long because I am scared to have the conversation (inferior Fe). The idea of a painful back and forth and trying to find a nice way to let them down without feeling bad about themselves and without hating me - well, it causes me to overanalyze and get really anxious and just put the whole thing off.

This happened with my ISFP girlfriend a few years ago. We only broke up when she brought up the "where is this going" talk after 3 years (she was looking to have kids and get married) and that's when we were able to end it.

Now with my ESTJ girlfriend, I feel like her personality is so strong it's almost impossible to break up. I've tried a few times in the last year but her overwhelming optimism and forcefulness that we can work out always gets me to give in and give it another try. To be fair, there is nothing wrong with the relationship at all. I just don't feel that deep level of connection, and it wears on me.

Another issue is that I've always second guessing whether or not I really should end the relationship or if I'm just being too picky and negative about things. Since it's hard to find a satisfactory answer to this question, I just keep on analyzing and never make a decision.

I'm really scared of having the talk, but in my heart I feel that now that I've learned about MBTI and understand why I always end up feeling unfulfilled by my S-type girlfriends, maybe I can finally give it a shot with someone more compatible. I'm just too much of a coward to end this. Any advice?

My INTP kid took an extra 9 months to be able to break it off with his first serious girlfriend mostly because she was emotionally fragile and he didn't want to hurt her or cause a scene.

(The worst was when they were sitting in her yard under this tree, he opened his mouth to start The Conversation, and then the elderly neighbor woman said, "Oh, it's wonderful to see you both so happy sitting out here together under your favorite tree, like always." )

Anyway, it takes practice.

The thing is, if you know you are miserable and the relationship is doomed, then to not break it off is just going to prolong BOTH of your's discomfort -- you aren't going to be happy, and if you are not happy / not invested in the relationship, then your partner will not be happy either and you are just wasting their time.

Hating a person who breaks up with you is often something that just happens and is necessary for you to get over the relationship. Maybe later you can be friends again. But for some people, it is just part of the process. Think how much they will hate you if you are not invested in the relationship and can't even break things off, so you are wasting their time and giving them false hope. Think long term.

What is your #1 goal here? to end the relationship.

Your secondary goals can be whatever you like:
- Don't hurt their feelings
- Don't have them hate me / stop being friends.

But those are secondary goals, so if you must sacrifice them to achieve the #1 goal, then that's what needs to happen. not that you should be mean or a jerk about it, you can be as "nice" about it as you want. But you need to basically say you're not happy, you can't invest more in the relationship, you're sorry and don't want to hurt them but it isn't going to work, you'll give them whatever space they need, etc.

I mean, it's just something you learn how to do in life because after awhile you realize (1) people get over things, (2) sometimes you just need to tear the bandaid off, and (3) sometimes people do get mad/hurt and there's no way to avoid that.

With the ESTJ, of course, you've got a harder problem -- she's probably not going to respect your decision if it doesn't sound firm. She'll want hard closure. She might hate you if it ends. You'll have to tell her you like her but don't want to date anymore and you've already made a few attempts and it's still not working, so.. if she cares about you, it's time to call it quits. You will also have to be as firm as she is, rather than flexing to her. That's another important life skill I have found, to know when I should do my natural "flex" thing and when I just have to sound stubborn/unyielding (for me) because realistically flexing is a bad option.

 

[Jason988]

My good friend is an ESTJ. Be direct and say it's over. They get over things quickly. Funny I actually tend to the dominant one with ESTJ. Just have your stuff out before you tell her. I guess I prefer to let them think it was their choice when I break off a relationship romantic one atleast. Meanwhile I would already be lining up the next one. I had a 50 mile time they had to be away from one another though. Start talking about your ex in bed right after you hit her off. Then comment on females Facebook or social shit so she sees it. ESTJs get very jealous quick. Blow off her demands to stop and within a week she will be gone. Otherwise she might come back if you end it. Play off hr jealousy and it's a wrap. Just have the next one lined up before

 

[Cubozoan]

I couldn't end relationships either. When I was much younger I actually had 3 relationships sort of going on/off at same time. Couldn't bring myself to end any of them! Just wanted them all to be happy.

People called me a cheater but I don't see it that way! Wasn't man enough to end any of them. As long as everyone was having fun, whats the problem?!

I am married to a sensor. Best way to see it is that we complement each other, rather than look at incompatibilities. As long as you understand each other's needs and each of you occasionally come out of your comfort zones you will have a rewarding relationship.

I think what works with us, is that we are both childish, have a similar sense of humour. I think INTPs appreciate a bit of childish behaviour.

 

[redbaron]

arent we all

 

[birdsnestfern]

Start by acknowleging any of your own wrong doings, such as I'm at fault for not saying this sooner, but....or whatever you feel IS your fault, say it up front first. This helps diffuse emotion, and shows you are accepting some responsability for it. It also shows you are human and make mistakes. Next, have a clear goal/outcome in mind before you start. If you intend to break it off, communicate that, be clear about what the end result is that you want. When emotions come up between you and them, the goal is where you go in your mind over and over to to avoid that. Listen to them, validate what they are saying, then go back to the goal in mind. Keep talking until you get the outcome. Separate your emotion from the outcome you want.


Write out what you want to say first and say it to yourself in a mirror. Say it so that you state how YOU feel and what you want the end result to be so its really clear and its not cruel. You can be kind and not mean about it simply by saying your truth. That isn't mean - its healthy and good.
If you can't say it, then send a letter or email or phone call. Believe me, people want to know why something is ending, it helps give them closure all around. Its FAR better to speak the truth. Some people will make an excuse that is other than the real issue to soften it, but I love hearing the real reason and I can accept it that way much better.

I was expecting such and such and I'm not happy. I'm not in love. I'm looking for such and such in a relationship. Thats not mean at all, its good communication. Be free of others ties and true to yourself.

 

[dr froyd]

just grow the balls and do what you feel like. It's not gonna be comfortable but you'll thank yourself later

 

[onesteptwostep]

They used to burn people at the stake for practicing necromancy.

 

[Puffy]

The OP is 7 years ago so doubt they’re following this anymore, and if they’re still in this relationship then fuck me grow a pair or get married, sire spawn, and be done with it.

Another way of thinking of it is if you know this person isn’t for you you’re wasting their time by drawing it out. So be bold for their sake.

 

[dr froyd]

if LOLS9000 ended up marrying this woman it wouldn't surprise me at all