Half a Month of Rejection and No Legal Way of Obtaining Alcohol

[JPS]

I'm seventeen and in the past half month have experienced more rejection than I've ever experienced in my life. My coping mechanisms are fried like a computer in a swimming pool and in consequence I'm not really sure what to do besides write about the experience.

I don't know what anyone can do to help but simply read my post. After all I wouldn't like to wallow in self-pity for an especially long period of time because college applications are due in two days and I need to get my ass in gear. I'm sure I'll be fine, though.

So in essence my grades suck, but I decided anyway to apply to an ivy league school's binding early decision program. Why? Because that's where I envisioned myself, really—few schools in the country offer the program I desire, and this was one of the best among them. I also figured my essays and SAT scores would both help to counteract my low GPA.

Big mistake. On December 11th I received my rejection "letter," together with a girl I had met earlier that week on Facebook, who applied to the same program as me. We talked for a long time and I naturally became very attracted to her: she was intelligent and beautiful, and we shared uncountably many interests and passions. We even arranged a "date" or time to meet towards the middle of January (which, as of now, is in the lurch). She lives on the other side of the country.

You might be able to see where this is going. I, the emotional connoisseur I am, decided tonight to confess my feelings for her, and she declared, when prompted to give her opinion of me, that I was very nice and intelligent, yet, if I thought about it, I would realize how unrealistic the situation (or, the prospect of a long-distance relationship) is. Strike two.

Hopefully there will be no strike three; but if it is to occur, it will probably be in mid-March as the rest of my college decisions come back.

Now, here is the million dollar question: does the world suck for denying me my whims or do I suck for painting bulls eyes in the clouds? I'd have to be a whiny little bitch to conclude the former, to be totally honest. Yet I understand, in part, that neither me nor the world sucks; we each just are what we are, and I must learn to live with both my perfectionism and the world's lack of compunction.

I think I'm about done complaining. Take everything I just said with a grain of salt, though, as I'm in a bit of a state right now.

 

[Irukanji]

Well, for starters you don't need the alcohol. Sure, I had alcohol for breakfast but I rarely drink so the novelty is fun I guess. Yes, the world sucks. There are another (probably) 10,000 people applying for 10-100 spots, your only real hope is to shotgun applications out and hope for the best. No use thinking you are the best or the worst, they run your application through a computer and look for catchy buzz words. If you put too many, you're out. If you put too few, you're out. Very few, if any, are actually read.


My advice is to keep at it. Forget about alcohol as a coping mechanism. If you use it as such, whenever you drink you'll only think bad thoughts, so those times your having celebratory drinks? Well, it won't be pretty.

2 weeks of rejection, 70-odd years of life left, that's 3640 more weeks to try to do what you want to do. She told you to think about it, no? Did she say it will be unfeasible in the future to continue it if you both happen to get into the same college/university?

 

[Cheeseumpuffs]

Yet I understand, in part, that neither me nor the world sucks; we each just are what we are, and I must learn to live with both my perfectionism and the world's lack of compunction.

This is a mature way to look at it. I know I didn't have that much sense when I was seventeen (I probably still don't, as my gut reaction was "the world definitely sucks")

I know this much rejection hurts. I know that it can feel incredibly significant, like the future (a future?) you had envisioned for yourself might be slipping away, but it's not gone for good. Even if it is; it might change your life -- it might not mesh with the image of your ideal world -- but it won't end your life. Not by a long shot. (I say this as someone who recently threw away certain opportunities for that level/kind of future)

I know what I'm about to say doesn't feel like much (I've heard it so many times myself, and I still struggle with it when I get down) but the only thing to really do is to get back on the horse (ugh, cliches ) and keep trying. Strive for your goals and don't give up on what you want, but, if circumstances get in the way, adapt to accommodate the changes. Adaptability is a truly underrated life skill (imo).


Also a lot of schools' early admission criteria are far more exclusive than regular admission, iirc. You're not out of the fight there, yet (just try and make your essay submissions top notch. It seems admissions officers cream their pants (as the saying goes) over good essays).

 

[Tannhauser]

One rejection letter and one rejection from a girl? Dude... it's gonna get worse. Way way way worse.

Last 2 months, between job applications and looking for housing in a city where there is almost no housing available, I have been rejected probably close to 100 times. If one wants to do competitive stuff, rejection is a lifestyle.

 

[Hadoblado]

Though I think Tannhauser's example a little extreme and therefore not necessarily representative, I agree that rejection is something everyone needs to learn to deal with. Nobody is so irresistible as to never experience rejection of some sort. It's the people that can pick themselves up after that have the best shot of success (whatever that may be).

Maybe record before hand what you think your chances are, then you've at least got the data from which you can derive a predictive model of your own bias. Once you've got the meta-cognition happening it's much easier to recover from setbacks, and successes are all the sweeter.

 

[Pyropyro]

I think you do need to grieve and regroup as the others have said here. However, I don't think you need alcohol for that. Alcohol is more of a meal enhancer rather than an emotional crutch.

Another thing that I learned from recovering from falls are to deal with problems one at a time. It's kinda overwhelming to deal with two types of rejections. I suggest developing yourself for one of them first (probably the University thing first. Girls can wait).

This might also help. When I was younger and wanted to get into a top school, I totally focused on just doing that. I studied like crazy with attending extra classes, and reading lots of how to pass exams books... etc. I also took entrance exams to various top schools with the mindset that I am going to fail in almost all of them.

 

[Jennywocky]

I agree with the sentiment that failure is pretty much a given and even necessary. One reason I haven't been successful in life as I had hoped was because I hadn't been willing to fail at all, and I took rejection hard.

I've also had the experience of feeling like I was "matched" with someone without having any substantial relationship there to seal the deal. Meeting someone long-distance who you connect with and then trying to seal it into a romantic relationship before you even really have met and coexisted face to face (and with so much distance there) -- well, that was kind of rushing things. Most people would be hesitant to leap into something that inconvenient, especially when they are looking at many options on the table. So it was probably less a rejection of you per se and more a rejection of timing and circumstances. Likely in your head, it "all made sense" but that's not how relationships work, you typically have to invest the time and work to ensure the possibility of a successful commitment, rather than both people just having an idealistic sense of how it'll work before anything really happens.

Same thing with early admission, I didn't get early admission to the ivy's either. Which was disappointing, but the competition is fierce. Everyone else wants to go there as well.

I wish I had tried a lot more (and thus failed a lot more) so that eventually I had stopped being as sensitive to it and thus found a victory or two in there somewhere by trying repeatedly...

I think you do need to grieve and regroup as the others have said here. However, I don't think you need alcohol for that. Alcohol is more of a meal enhancer rather than an emotional crutch.

Well, it's a good crutch for maybe a weekend... but not beyond, and not consistently... Everyone needs a day or two where they just say FTW and let themselves puddle...

 

[Brontosaurie]

Two instances of completely predictable rejection and an awesome dude who shouldn't give a fuck.

Why are you giving fucks? Or have you stopped giving them since OP?

Take care and stay strong brahh

 

[Urakro]

Today's challenges become tomorrow's norm.

Everyone needs a day or two where they just say FTW and let themselves puddle

lol... "for the win" ? Oh, f the world. I get it now.

 

[JPS]

I slept on it and I feel much better, if a tad embarrassed and regretful.

I guess I failed in part to elaborate my main concern, which wasn't really the rejection itself so much as the fact that my competence and my performance seem to be two very different things. In other words, what I'm able to do and what I actually do seem separated by some unbridgeable gap, and rejection, far from being a main cause in itself of sorrow, simply seems to make that gap more apparent every time it happens in a noticeable degree.

I've spent the past three and a half years of my life slacking off with about as much regard for the consequences as your typical rock or chair, and it feels icky, guilt inducing, you name it.

I've read every post here and it seems the main point is that rejection happens often and one must get used to it, with which I totally agree. Yet there are several other problems I have which I need to get sorted out, and I should focus on those rather than on their ill consequences and how much I "suck."

We're still friends, for which I'm glad, and I duly apologized for jeopardizing our friendship out of emotional impatience. I left that part out. She told me not to worry about it, and that we're good.

 

[Absurdity]

For the record, Ivy League schools, girls, and alcohol aren't that great. I've found that in most cases they'll lead you astray.

I guess I failed in part to elaborate my main concern, which wasn't really the rejection itself so much as the fact that my competence and my performance seem to be two very different things. In other words, what I'm able to do and what I actually do seem separated by some unbridgeable gap, and rejection, far from being a main cause in itself of sorrow, simply seems to make that gap more apparent every time it happens in a noticeable degree.

I've spent the past three and a half years of my life slacking off with about as much regard for the consequences as your typical rock or chair, and it feels icky, guilt inducing, you name it.

I've read every post here and it seems the main point is that rejection happens often and one must get used to it, with which I totally agree. Yet there are several other problems I have which I need to get sorted out, and I should focus on those rather than on their ill consequences and how much I "suck."

Why is there a gap? Are you delusional about your abilities? Or is it difficult to muster the energy to do something 100% when you don't give a shit about it?

The latter is usually an indicator that the thing you are striving for is misaligned with the desires of your authentic self.

 

[Jennywocky]

Yeah, I will chime in on having a lot of trouble committing to stuff I don't actually care much about, even when I feel like I "should" or that it could help me in some way if I did, or even when I don't want to disappoint people. So it typically gets done (if it has to), but at the last minute and just with the bare minimum to get by; my attention span sucks when I don't care about what I'm doing.

Contrarily: If I can get engrossed in it or if it's something that matters, then I can go into blitz mode.

This doesn't seem atypical. My twenty-year-old INTP kid has an even harder time than I do in this area.

 

[EditorOne]

"Embrace the 'no' ." There's an entire school of thought (of hype?) that says your goal every day should be to keep going not until you get a yes, but until you get a set number of "no" responses. In my current field of endeavor, one fellow did cold calling to seek clients, right out of the phone book. He took it a step farther, using a negative statement to begin his phone conversation: "You don't need help with a property insurance problem, do you?" It was both convenient and practical, as anyone with a problem reacted instantly and others could see the phone call was not going to evolve into a sales pitch. So he might make 200 calls before he got a "Yes I do!", but when he did, it was worth thousands of dollars.

It's a variation on the barn full of horse manure. An optimist starts digging, convinced there must be a pony around somewhere.

It's all attitude. Rejection is a normal part of life and need not reflect your failure, but rather your unsuitability for a particular thing. Not Harvard, not that girl. There are thousands of other schools that will do for two years, and millions of other girls. Two years? Yeah, you can go two years somewhere, do well, and seek a transfer to an Ivy League deal that has the curriculum you wish to experience. Or you'll discover you would rather do something else, or you'll figure out another way besides the Ivy League to get where you want to go.

You'll sort it out, just don't do the alcohol thing. Been there, done that, got the bloody t-shirt.

 

[TBerg]

I have touched alcoholism before. It is like a ghost you befriend, and gradually the codependency sets in and you can't let go of the relationship without undergoing great suffering. Alcohol also damages the brain and makes it difficult to experience pleasure without having imbibed. You only know not to do something after it is too late in this case.

 

[JPS]

I should mention the whole alcohol ordeal was a shitty joke, and I would never try alcohol because of familial dependencies.

Why is there a gap? Are you delusional about your abilities? Or is it difficult to muster the energy to do something 100% when you don't give a shit about it?

The latter is usually an indicator that the thing you are striving for is misaligned with the desires of your authentic self.

I think it's neither. I've confidence in my ability which isn't misplaced. I understand that if I push myself I could become great in whatever field, scientific or otherwise, to which I apply myself.

I'd say it's difficult indeed to muster the energy to do something 100%, but not by dint of my not giving a shit about it. I care, and what I want, I want. I can't concentrate. I'm grappling with a recent diagnosis of ADHD and haven't yet started medication. It's like no matter how hard I try there's really nothing I can do until I at least figure out what exactly is going on.

So my problem seems to fall neither to ability nor to concern, but to concentration. Hopefully I should fix that in time for college.

 

[bvanevery]

There are no answers at the bottom of a bottle, nor at the end of a needle. I've seen enough people destroyed by those things, that I'm glad I didn't happen to have an addictive personality. My worst vices have been coffee, chocolate, and video games, all non-lethal and I've learned how to walk away from them.

My best short-term coping advice: when I was at my lowest during the dot.com bust, I found that lying down on the floor, and staring at the ceiling, for as long as 45 minutes, was the best way to get through everything. It was far better to do completely, absolutely nothing, to give my mind that chance to clear and settle out, than to think about anything, stew, fret, make anxious plans, worry, cogitate what if what if what if, etc. You have to get through really bad things somehow, and at least in the short term when one is overwhelmed, this is the best way. It is an idea borrowed from yoga, Zen, and martial arts practices I think. A sort of poor man's meditation.

With girls, there are "Pick Up Artist" websites that will give you some handle and perspective on that. They don't have all the answers, not hardly. But they can help you with things like, why mooning over someone long distance really doesn't make any kind of sense. It won't get you anywhere. Their concept of "Inner Game" is the one most worth paying attention to. Just their packaging of personal psychology ideas that show up under all kinds of different names in all kinds of different places.

With academics or career, you'll need to figure it out. It takes work. You don't get to stay in ivy league schools if you slack off. These aren't party schools, you will flunk out hard that way. I regret going to Cornell, it was really demanding and I wasn't socially very skilled. The work put enough pressure on me that I remained stunted socially. Got a lot out of it academically, but later in life I still have the nightmares. The big question is should I have gone to Brown instead? But I don't actually have any idea what Brown was really like at the time, by comparison, so there's really no way to know. Grass is greener?

I don't really know anything about ADHD but don't rule out dietary issues causing you problems, or exacerbating them. Would need a whole 'nother thread on nutrition.

Exercise helps you take on more of life's burdens. Something about the adrenal glands, and toxins accumulating in your body.