I actually tried a similiar tactic to the OP. There's a thread somewhere in the school and work subforum. I think intpforum is a bad place for this though. You're going to be getting a lot of impartial analysis and very little buck up you pathetic worm.
Do you intentionally allow yourself to go back to sleep? Are you intentionally skipping classes even though part of you doesn't want to? Does the concern over what's happening feel at all buried? Do you avoid thinking about it and try to improve the next time but it never works because you don't have the willpower or you manage to talk yourself out of doing the right thing? Do you get a little sick feeling in your stomach/wherever else when you think about what you're doing to yourself? Any of that hit the mark?
I'm thinking this could be a result of the general NT tendency to ignore emotion. You're burying/ignoring the normal fear/anxiety that comes about as a result of a mistake you've made. You know, guilt, repentance, fear of being caught, etc. That stuff is what fuels most people to fit in and not screw their lives up over simple things like getting up on time. Unfortunately we tend to rationalise it away at a young age ("what's so bad about not doing my homework? the most they can do is give me detention", "so what if I'm punished? the most dad can do is belt me, and I can deal with that pain", "it doesn't matter if I screw up, I've gotten through everything before and it hasn't killed or injured me, I can do it again"), which means we don't have that basic mechanism in place.
I think this is why you're looking for judgment. You're looking externally for the emotional impetus you lack internally.
It might sound like a pile of hogswill, but these guesses come from having (what seems like) the exact same experience as you. It worsened throughout high school and hit an all-time low in college. Ruined the entire deal. Especially since I lived so far away from campus - I started taking $80 taxis in when absolutely desperate (eg with stuff I couldn't miss) which bled me dry. Everything was a total mess. Anyway, I only worked out those weird conflicting feelings a few days ago, years after it started. The tendency to rationalise away and continue doing whatever the hell you were doing before you became late or in trouble, juxtaposed with that nagging little sick feeling in your stomach - that's a result of not listening to your emotional, judgmental, fearful self. (People with self-discipline run on a different motor - they don't need the stick, since they're so inspired by the carrot.) And it leads you to do dumbass things that you simply can't understand, ages after it's happened.
As for the problem with understanding the implications of your decisions while half-awake, this is probably also partly a result of the lack of internal emotional accountability. But I'd also say we're not very good at seeing the whole picture at once, since it's easy to nitpick details and rationalise away small problems. We tend to go down rabbit holes and then lose our way in our desire for accuracy, and there are just so many damn holes we can't get them all, so we give up in frustration and make a really bad decision based on the 'feeling' that you have more information than you actually do, because you've been thinking about it so long. Or maybe that's just me.
Sorry I don't have any judgment for you. I'm trying to get myself to be scared and worried and anxious again in an effort to turn things around. That's the only helpful thing I can think of to say. If you ever feared doing the wrong thing simply because it was wrong, ignoring the fact that consequences weren't quite so scary as the threat of consequences, then you've got a shot. Otherwise, you'll just have to get better at the self-discipline thing.
*edit
It's starting to look like we might have completely different problems. Oops.
I have no idea why you can't just get up. I've still got that problem now and I haven't worked it out yet.
Primarily to cheese: ty for this post. sounds like me. I've been working on increasing levels of fear, anxiety etc because I remember the only time my work ethic was half decent was when I was motivated by fear etc. Im starting to think this is a poor solution to the problem though. It's not like you can snap your fingers and make it hapen any better than you can snap your fingers and make yourself full of energy and willpowr. I've had decent levels of motivation without fear before. When I don't get out of bed it's because i don't have the fear pushing me out of it and its also because I don't have the energy where getting out of bed isn't a massive hassle You only need one of the two and you might end up using fear as a permanent solutr ion when the ideal to strive for is one where your energy levels are higher. Not to say a little fear can't help
Here's a lot of advice I've failed to act upon. Or, I've acted upon and allowed myself to lapse.
If you're low on motivation you should probably troubleshoot stuff like low testosterone levels, hypothyroidism that afaik your gp can test for, and you can remove them as an excuse not to push yourself if you confirm that you are in fact fine and your weakness is something you will have to fix for yourself. One thing I think keeps my willpower levels low is just poor fitness, poor body mechanics. It's more draining forcing yourself out of bed if you're weak or there's a lot of excess you to shift. Also if you exercise in the day you'll be more tired at night.
Primarily to OP.
Another thing is being sleep deprived will cause a lot of mental weakness. It is a vicious cycle, and as ridiculous as it sounds to make it out to be some great act of willpower you'll probably have to just force yourself to o to bed early.
Another thing I have trouble with is accepting that my body isn't made of logic. That is, if I'm up on the computer i have trouble accepting that I will have trouble getting to sleep if I go online to pwn some n0ewbs, because I'll be excited. I think on some level I should be able to just go to bed and shut down, when the truth is I have trouble getting to sleep at the best of times. Another is resistance to sticking to a schedule. There's no fundamental reason telling yourself you'll do X at Y time should be better than deciding on the fly, because nine times out of ten schedules are arbitrary. Why 8 and not 9, why this why that. There's no fundamental justification but the fact is if I tell myself I'll go to bed at 10 (and it does help to remind myself how ridiculous and pathetic a failure it would be not to stick to this simple commitment), empirically I'm more likely to do so. Instead of looking for an explanation for this I, and hopefully you need to just accept that putting an arbitrary time on things does work. Playing tricks on yourself like this really works, reguardless of the near ideological subscription to schedules you see in some people, which may be a motivation not to stick to them that is floatingaround in your unconscious.
Another thing you might get is a second wind type thing if you stay up long enough, where if its 9 you think you might as well go to bed as 10, you'll only be more tired right? but at 10 you're less tired than you were at 9 and so on till 5am. Oh and as extra motivation, if you stay up past the oh my god I know from experience you (and by you I mean I) do get a second wind. Speaking of which I don't usually have the willpower to do this manually, so, like the anxiety/fear solution, whereby you "trick" yourself into doing whatever, I recomend going for a walk, inviting friends over, doing something that requires your attention (not watching tv or browsing the web.) Oh and avoid playing computer games to keep yourself up. When I've done this I've overshot and totally failed to reset my schedule.
I don't think I'm the best person to offer judgement.
Gonna have to stop there laptop running out of battery.
edit: found a plug.
I recomend exercise early in the day. Even if it is just starjumps or something. You say you have trouble reasoning through the consequences if you sleep in. As a shortcut try remembering that you have reasoned through it before and in your current state you cannot do so. Maybe write it on a piece of paper next to your face.
"I am seeing a psychologist about this among other things, so I'm not looking for advice. What I am looking for is judgement; I want honest criticism from you people. My reasoning is that out of everybody I know/cyberknow, this forum is the most able to offer opinions that I can respect. In rl I am continuously berated by people who simply do not understand my motives or behavior, and they judge me from a perspective which I find far too easy to discount. If you see my problem as a gross lack of will power, and perhaps think less of me because of it, then I am more likely to adjust my behavior in order to preserve some sense of self respect"
Totally relate.
This isn't judgement but it may have e same effect:
Your problem may not be a lack of willpower but one solution is absolutely more willpower. If you were less weak you wouldn't be having it. Plenty of people perform on far less sleep than you. Either way, you're trapped in a positive feedback loop that will not break itself. If you don't do something it will literally continue until you die. It's not just bad for uni it's bad for everything and will continue until you die if you don't do something about it. For the record despite all the jokey asides and how much I genuinely can relate (I'm currently slightly better sleepwise than you, but have been at a point where I'm falling asleep in class, running the gauntlet regularly and shamelessly) your current state is absolutely pathetic, and pretty inexcusable. Can you adaquetly explain your actions? The reason you can't go to bed early is that you've consistently gone to bed extremely late. It's not like you were born like this and it's not like you can't fix it.
Oh and OP, thanks for your post. I think I'll go to bed early tonight.
Going to sleep twice a day isn't a good situation. I'd say that's the most important thing to eliminate first. Why did you need those two hours? if you're thinking about running the gauntlet, note that You don't need to make it all the way to a normal time as all of your classes are in the morning.
Also 11 hours sleep is a lot so it's odd that you went to sleep again. Would you say you have sleep debt, or is your cycle just out of whack?
As usual a lot of this post will be for my own benefit so take with a large pinch of salt. Also, as usual I'm not editing a lot because I tend to overedit (overexplain myself, remove points not totally justified in my mind etc) so forgive any tawdry presentation.
(he says after admitting failure)
