Guys, how to know for sure if a (female) INFJ is interested ?

[DIALECTIC]

Male INTP here...
I have met this woman twice (strictly for business), the first time was 3 months ago ; i thought she was absolutely gorgeous and had a great personality (funny / witty, extremely intelligent etc. it had been a long time a woman hadn't stroke the right cord in me !), and i had been thinking A LOT (too much in fact !!) about her since.
I was planning to tell her the second time i met her how much i found her attractive etc. (i had it all planned / played in my head : you INTP guys know what its like to run those simulations... Until reality kicks in, that is !).
Then i met her that second time (again, strictly for business) and she looked even more beautiful than the first time, her personaly seemed even better... (Fuck me, i have never ever felt anything like that even was i was younger. In fact when i left it was like i had been sorta paralyzed !)
Anyway, i pretty much straight away thought there is NO chance she will be interested, she's way too nice for me (i do know she's single and has one child though ; and shes 7 years younger than i am) so i didn't ask her or didn't even had the guts to tell her how much attractive i thought she was etc. Then later when i replayed everything ad infinitum in my head (Ti-Si loop) i realized she must be an INFJ...

SO MY QUESTION IS : if a female INFJ was interested how would she show it ? Or would she show it all ? I was waiting for clues the second time i met her but there was none as far as i can think of so i thougt i'd better not ask as i didn't want to feel like a failure (i don't like failure but who does anyway ?). I thought she must be that friendly with everyone (she works for a bank), not just me...

I thought i could send her flowers at work (that's what i used to do when younger) but then again i thought she might find i am a pervert or i could be a nuisance / stalker etc. so decided not to.

To be honest i wish i hadn't met her, my life was going pretty good so far without having my Fe much stimulated in that way... Ha !

Anyone familiar with INFJ personality can help ?
Thanks for your help guys !


PS : Don't know if it's just me but i noticed something peculiar though, when she let me out of her office, just after opening the door she looked down with her eye lids mostly closed, a bit what i child does when shy etc. But she didn't seem shy whatsoever before that.

 

[Joe13414]

I thought I fell in love with an INFJ girl, she talked to me merely out of sympathy and stopped talking to me after I took her on a date. She didn't like when I brought up emotional stuff, nor political opinions.

 

[Cherry Cola]

She wouldn't know if she was interested. Fe types are incapable of authentically confronting their dependencies. They default to a self-image of cosmic motherhood. Any display of weakness will be an act of sheer formality.

You just gotta go through the motions. Be being the dude she's seeing. It ought to be clear.

 

[Architect]

Don't know in general, but from my experience is they'll get shy around you if they've fallen for your charms. In extreme cases they'll avoid your presence, which means they really like you. That is until you go on a date at which the floodgates will open.

 

[Ex-User (13503)]

Anyway, i pretty much straight away thought there is NO chance she will be interested, she's way too nice for me (i do know she's single and has one child though ; and shes 7 years younger than i am) so i didn't ask her or didn't even had the guts to tell her how much attractive i thought she was etc. Then later when i replayed everything ad infinitum in my head (Ti-Si loop) i realized she must be an INFJ...

Stop focusing on her, guessing things, etc. You have no basis for it. You've literally met this woman twice.

Yellow is the real issue here. Kill the self-doubt and rumination, say what you have to say, and get your answer. If it works, great. If not, find someone else.

And listen to Architect below if your assumptions turn out to be correct... You've been warned.

at which the floodgates will open.

Spoiler

Fe types are incapable of authentically confronting their dependencies.

lol

 

[E404]

My best girlfriend is an INFJ. She is never blunt and rarely says what she thinks, mainly because she hates confrontations and hurting people's feelings. She would be the type to have difficulty telling someone she doesn't feel that way back, but she also won't make the first move or reciprocate if she does feel something.

It makes for... interesting communication.

Do you have to keep seeing her for business? Do you guys just have coffee as acquaintances/friends? When will you see her again if ever?

 

[DIALECTIC]

Thank you for all the answers...

Don't know in general, but from my experience is they'll get shy around you if they've fallen for your charms. In extreme cases they'll avoid your presence, which means they really like you. That is until you go on a date at which the floodgates will open.

Sadly i am just as shy, it takes me a long time to know someone enough to open up, even with the people i work with...

Yellow is the real issue here. Kill the self-doubt and rumination, say what you have to say, and get your answer. If it works, great. If not, find someone else.

That was my plan : telling her exactly what i felt and why, so if she was telling me she wasn't interested i would have forgotten about her and moved on. Sadly, i felt too weak to carry out what i had planned... I am now back to square one, or rather not cos i felt quite good the first time but now, after this second time, i feel both as a failure (for not telling her what i was feeling) and feel even more for her as i am totally under her charm ! :-( Can't remember feeling anything like that before for a woman (and yet i am 42), maybe because in the past i just used to look for looks, when i now look for the right personality / chemistry as well : i'd rather be single than ending up with the wrong person : been there, done it, several times.

Yes that self-doubt is a killer... A lof of times it does prevent me to act on impulse and therefore avoid me to fall in traps (others fall easily on at their own expenses) but in rare situations like this one, i found it to be major flaw in my psyche.

Do you have to keep seeing her for business? Do you guys just have coffee as acquaintances/friends? When will you see her again if ever?

She's one of the bank managers. She only started work at that bank 6 months ago or so.
I can meet her if i have any issue with my bank account or if i need something done on it i can't do myself online etc. That was the reason i met her this time around and the time before but to be quite honest the right reason this second appointment was basically to ask her out at the end of it. I didn't use the opportunity i had myself created.
Of course i could still meet her for a third appointment (i'm sure i can find another reason) but i guess i will have to wait a bit, but the longer i wait and the longer this whole thing is draining my energy... Or i could send her an email or a letter and tell her what i felt... Or not !!!! Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh !!!!!

 

[E404]

I would not send an email or letter. A lot of communication is through body language and written text is more likely to be misconstrued.

How do you know she's an INFJ if you've only met her twice and only for business? Did it come up?

I think just dropping by the bank and asking her to something (coffee, dinner, drinks, hiking, whatever people ask people to do) is your best bet. The worst that could happen is her saying no.

 

[redbaron]

I was planning to tell her the second time i met her how much i found her attractive

Probably don't say this if you ever want a relationship with her.

 

[ZenRaiden]

Are you interested? *Yes **No simple

 

[Architect]

Good approach with an INFJ is to see if she would like to meet for coffee at a bookstore. INFJ's love bookstores (and is a 'comfortable safe zone' for them), and coffee (or better tea) is a great starting point. If you get together and the conversation flows, then she's likely is an INFJ and you're meant for each other.

 

[DIALECTIC]

How do you know she's an INFJ if you've only met her twice and only for business? Did it come up?
I think just dropping by the bank and asking her to something (coffee, dinner, drinks, hiking, whatever people ask people to do) is your best bet. The worst that could happen is her saying no.

Well this is an elaborate guess based on her behaviour and things she said and the way she said them and compared to another INFJ (my teacher of psychoanalysis, even though he was male). Of course i could well be wrong.

Sadly i can't just drop by the bank as it is a tiny branch and all visits are basically screened through a nosy female receptionist who thinks she can solve any problems by herself (the management probably asked her to anyway). So i would have to make a new appointment with her, but i guess this time just to tell her how i feel and nothings else. Last week, i was planning to do just that AFTER my banking transactions, but once the transactions were done i just gave up on my initial idea because by then i thought she was way too nice for me and i had no chance !


I thought about emailing her to ask her out but since it is work's email she could be offended, plus other people could read it.

Probably don't say this if you ever want a relationship with her.

Please elaborate...?

Good approach with an INFJ is to see if she would like to meet for coffee at a bookstore. INFJ's love bookstores (and is a 'comfortable safe zone' for them), and coffee (or better tea) is a great starting point. If you get together and the conversation flows, then she's likely is an INFJ and you're meant for each other.

Besides her looks / natural charm of course, what i found the most attractive in her were her polite assertiveness and her humour (witty and a bit childish).

 

[Sinny91]

Probably don't say this if you ever want a relationship with her.

Err, why? lol

 

[Architect]

Besides her looks / natural charm of course, what i found the most attractive in her were her polite assertiveness and her humour (witty and a bit childish).

Polite assertiveness ... yes, the ENFJ's also have that. They're more assertive than the INFJ's actually, who like all introverts tend towards neuroticism (IN's especially). INFJ's do love humor, I think it keeps their dark Ni daemons at bay.

INFJ's are attracted to INTP's Ti analytical which they have in their tertiary. They'll be worried about some woe or another - the poor in the US for example, and they appreciate hearing our analysis of it which helps put their Ni/Fe view in perspective (and not as scary). Another thing is physical capability - when you get to know her show you can fix your tire (or her's), fix stuff around her place, etc. They have Se in the inferior, and combined with the male-female dynamic this is extremely powerful for them. She was hugely attracted to me and loved our conversation, but I think it was when I changed her tire in the rain that she was mine for life.

Otherwise, especially initially, make her laugh. They eat that shit up.

See if she would like to go Trick-or-Treating with you for Halloween, or do something around then. I think that might be appealing (or not, I should check with her on that, I not infrequently come up with ideas like this I think are great that she just laughs at).

((checking)) she said she'd hate "to get hit up at work, unless that's your only option?" Yeah that makes sense, they're conscientious at work and might find it embarrassing to mix the two (though we met at work, but we both were working there so that is different). Don't know, but I think you'd have to be careful about emailing her work address.

Here you go, find out when the bank closes, hang out and catch up with her as she's leaving (hopefully it's not late and dark so she doesn't get freaked out), see if she'd like to stop nearby for coffee/whatever. If you're relaxed and confident that's romantic.

 

[redbaron]

So after meeting once you're gonna tell a business associate, "you're so beautiful" and she's going to not get creeped out? Okay.

Before you say anything Sinny, this woman sounds educated and somewhat intelligent so your own perspective isn't relevant here. Whether you'd like it or not isn't the point.

 

[Sinny91]

So after meeting once you're gonna tell a business associate, "you're so beautiful" and she's going to not get creeped out? Okay.

Before you say anything Sinny, this woman sounds educated and somewhat intelligent so your own perspective isn't relevant here. Whether you'd like it or not isn't the point.

So you're implying that women who are intelligent and educated shouldn't be complimented on their physical attractiveness, as those women will negatively judge the men who do ( in regards to "relationship" material)..or ??.. Hmm.

You're right, I don't really want to waste my time understanding your twisted logic.

AH, just read the other line lol.. It's not creepy, as long as the bloke isn't creepy.
Redbarons experiences are just shining through.

 

[Tannhauser]

Redbarons experiences are just shining through.

 

[redbaron]

Even after all this time I'm still surprised by how dumb you are.

Pretty much no one is going to respond positively to being told at a business-related meeting how beautiful they are by a relative stranger. That's why you offer a date or something first.

Wouldn't matter if it was a guy or girl either, people who're overly complimentary and personal when your acquaintance with them is limited and has so far been strictly work/business related are generally an annoyance and/or just come off desperate.

Of course the OP probably had some idea to do it 'smoothly' but from the way he writes I doubt it'd work. Ask for coffee first, see if she's remotely interested as opposed to just throwing random compliments out of nowhere.

And yeah I've been hit on by co-workers before. It's super annoying and they come off as needy and desperate.

 

[redbaron]

Plus from the sounds of her she'd respond better to a demonstration of creativity or something than hearing, "you're gorgeous" for the 9,756th time in her life.

 

[DIALECTIC]

Plus from the sounds of her she'd respond better to a demonstration of creativity or something than hearing, "you're gorgeous" for the 9,756th time in her life.

You make some good points, however aren't you logically supposed to make some sort of compliment (even if indeed its very unlikely it is the first one this female is hearing...) and THEN, depending on her reaction, ask for a date, not the other way around ?

As for a demonstration of creativity yes i think you are correct though.

 

[Columbo]

if an injf female is interested shell show it by sincerely laughing at your specific (intp inspired/ zany) quirky ways/ humor. shell laugh at specific things you find funny too but most normal people dont.

also if she is interested shell want to listen to the intp mind prattle on and on and on into the night. she will want to spend as much time as she can with you and occasionally shell share her deepest thoughts with you (though sparingly)

i'm married to an infj...intp myself. she just likes to hear my mind working away on some thought.

infjs also crave being understood. they are as generally as misunderstood as intps. they love it when they perceive that the other person gets them...

amen to what was said about completing physical world tasks for them like changing a tire: for the infj its more/ different than the acts of service appreciation love language thing: in many ways the infj female feels threatened/ intimidated by the physical expediencies which must be attended to to preserve life. a male intp can fill this gap with some extra amount of dedicated effort

 

[Rixus]

I don't know if my experience with an INFJ female is completely relevant as we were much younger, plus she was actually psychotic as well.

On our first meeting; I had had a skin full at the bar she was working at and as far as I knew she was seeing my best mare at the time. In retrospect, it might have have been a bit of dick move, but I only intended to be nice. I ordered my drink from her, and said, "wow, he certainly wasn't lying. You are gorgeous." (What I didn't know at the time was that at that very moment in time she was having an auditory hallucination that was commanding the words, "he's the one. Trust in him, he's the one.")

As it happened, she wasn't seeing my best mate per sey. but I didn't know that. Now, this was a bar I had worked at until the start of my final year of Uni, and had given up working to concentrate. But I was skint, so I'd already asked to go back. To which they agreed. So there I was, stuck behind the bar with the girl I believed was my mates girlfriend and who was having hallucinations telling her she must make a lifetime companion of me at all costs (which again I didn't realise were getting worse.)

I've read that with INFJ's, people have a tendency to want to spill their woes to them for counselling. And this girl was no exception to that - leave her alone with someone for five minutes and they'd be crying their darkest problems to her. Which she didn't like as it was apparently very draining, but couldn't quite turn them away. Except for me - I don't do that. (She still maintains that this fact, that I don't whinge about feelings like other people do, is what made her feel comfortable around me. I wasn't draining like other people.) So instead, she seemed to do the same to me. Gave me her life story, all her woes and all the crap that had ever happened to her. And I may be a bit of social retard, but I'm good at listening. And it's hardly the first time that had happened - I had a habit of making friends with girls and let them spill it while they worked it out.

This one, though, was also interested in hearing about me. Which was unusual in itself - no one ever cared before. She wanted to hear my nerdiest philosophical crap, which was quite exciting for me to spill. And eventually, I did respond and give her my life story - probably the first person to hear it, and that was more given for reciprocation that anything else.

And there was also a moment when I fell for her as well. When my mate gotten back in to town, we'd gotten him drunk enough that he was ejected from the premises and we had to carry him home. In revenge one night, he and the bartender conspired to drop shots into my drinks. Which, as I was already pretty drunk, I didn't notice. Then the extras hit me and I was chucking up in the toilets. Dragged out by the bouncers and just left outside. Girl had known about this, but Mate refused to carry me home even though it was his fault. She, on the other hand, left the club with me. So I'm slowly sobering up with my head in her chest and feeling very comfortable now. And thinking to myself, "No! Don't you dare fall in love! Don't! Off limits!" She told me she completely lost interest in him after that.

By now, it was obvious that at least were we close friends. My mate was starting to get very irritable and occasionally violent to me and anyone who talked to her - particularly as she hadn't slept with him or even kissed him again for some time. That's as far as they'd ever gone and he did confirm this was true.

She later confessed she'd been dropping every hint she could give. Complements, looks, touches, she'd drape a mini-skirt clad leg over me when we were sat down, she even lunged over a table and started snogging me one time. But me having self confidence that's probably in the minus figures I assumed she must have been drunk. She just wanted to be friends - no one looks at me that way. They just don't. Eventually, a mutual friend told me to just do it.

My bigger problem, as it turned out, was that the voices were now telling her that now she had gotten me, the only way she could guarantee I'd never leave is if she sabotaged the contraception. And that the voices were getting stronger and would not always be so positive about me. But that's another story.

 

[Poursuitedevie]

So...I'm dying of curiosity....did you ever ask her out? Stumbled into this site/post during a Google search.

Both my closest friend and I are female INFJs. We both match the personality type through and through....so I would say if you were to try and tell if either of us were interested it would be near to impossible.... we both would treat everyone with the same kind almost motherly interest....

It's rather funny seeing this question because I have liked a guy at my work for awhile and you should hear my friend and I try to figure out how to show him I'm interested....because I literally don't know how...

If you still need advice on this....I would say you should be honest and upfront and just ask her out. We like honesty and we need you to make the first move. We'd rather cut off our own arms than do that. Even if she does turn you down, if she is really an INFJ she will do so in a very considerate fashion.

PS I read somewhere that INFJs make the best girlfriends so it's probably worth the risk

 

[Columbo]

So...I'm dying of curiosity....did you ever ask her out? Stumbled into this site/post during a Google search.

Both my closest friend and I are female INFJs. We both match the personality type through and through....so I would say if you were to try and tell if either of us were interested it would be near to impossible.... we both would treat everyone with the same kind almost motherly interest....

It's rather funny seeing this question because I have liked a guy at my work for awhile and you should hear my friend and I try to figure out how to show him I'm interested....because I literally don't know how...

If you still need advice on this....I would say you should be honest and upfront and just ask her out. We like honesty and we need you to make the first move. We'd rather cut off our own arms than do that. Even if she does turn you down, if she is really an INFJ she will do so in a very considerate fashion.

PS I read somewhere that INFJs make the best girlfriends so it's probably worth the risk

2 thoughts:

1. never lie to an infj. above all else they value authenticity. infjs are readers of the intp mind. this is perhsps the primary reason they gel well together: the classic intp is naturally very open, honest, authentic.

2. intp + infj is a great natural combo. only natural flaw insofar as i can think of it off the top is getting them to interact over a sustained period of time where they both realize at some point "wow. duh: i really like them". seems like its usually the infj female who realuzes the potential for mutusl interest ling before the male intp...

 

[EditorOne]

Jesumachristos, will you just ask the woman if she'd like to go out for coffee after work some time? You'll get a clue real fast.

Stop dithering; act; do not go over the top; act intelligently.

A query about the acceptability of having coffee is about as small an emotional investment as you can make in order to find out what's what. No big emotional pronouncements, no beau geste like flowers (really? really?), no stalker stuff, just friggin' COFFEE.

And if she says she doesn't drink coffee, just say you meant it rhetorically, that is, "do something nonbusiness with me."

Yeesh.

 

[(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

Jesumachristos, will you just ask the woman if she'd like to go out for coffee after work some time? You'll get a clue real fast.

Stop dithering; act; do not go over the top; act intelligently.

A query about the acceptability of having coffee is about as small an emotional investment as you can make in order to find out what's what. No big emotional pronouncements, no beau geste like flowers (really? really?), no stalker stuff, just friggin' COFFEE.

And if she says she doesn't drink coffee, just say you meant it rhetorically, that is, "do something nonbusiness with me."

Yeesh.

Thing is he has built her up so much in his mind that fear of rejection is incredibly powerful...

Can't blame you though, OP. I've got an INFJ in my life and wow...

 

[WALKYRIA]

I'm actually currently dating with an infj.
Her problem? She's too much... She's amazing but she's also crazy and clingy and horny.
She cares for me, she breastfeed me with her amazing cities... The relationship is just out of this world. But then again, she might be an enfj.. the amount of love that I receive from her is just way too much. The problem is that I can't give back as much, despite me being a very sexy and passionated intp.
Another thing is that she's an artist, a designer, a rebel in a sort( she comes from a very conservative country).
She's seriously amazing but I have a hard time believing that she's sane considering the fact that she gave me everything after the second date.(and every Man is programmes to lose respect for a girl who gives herself so fast...)