Fear of winning

[walfin]

Do you feel bad when you win at anything?

Do you, even before celebrating your triumph, start empathising with the losers?

Do you feel less bad when it is a draw?

If you feel bad when you win, do you generally end up seeking a draw rather than an outright victory?

I feel that these things make me a less effective person, because I seek to not lose rather than to win, unless there is a win win solution (which doesn't always exist no matter what those corporate management books say). Certainly it is good to encourage and shake hands with the losers after winning, but it's too extreme to lose the desire to win just because one feels bad.

 

[Kuu]

This is way too vague...

Win at what? A battle to the death? Rock paper scissors?

 

[warryer]

This is way too vague...

Win at what? A battle to the death? Rock paper scissors?

Too vague? Come on now... extract meaning out of it . Obviously it's not something so serious like a battle to the death or something so trivial as rock paper scissors game.

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@walfin:

I think the way to look at is from a "survival of the fittest" point. If everybody always won, then there would be garbage everywhere and we would all starve to death. Who chooses to be a garbage man when they grow up? Would you put forth any effort if you didn't have to? You should check out the movie Idiocracy.

This seems to be a mix up between politically correct equality and natural inequality.

(I am guilty of this myself)

 

[Cognisant]

Do you, even before celebrating your triumph, start empathising with the losers?

No, I just don't like drawing attention to myself, particularly if that which is drawing attention to me could create animosity between me and the people paying attention to me.

 

[lafmeche]

I wouldn't call it fear, but I don't like the feeling when I thoroughly beat someone at something. Since I only tend to do competitive things when I'm proficient at them, I get myself into that position fairly often. Generally, I either consciously or subconsciously (depends on the situation) sabotage my performance to make things more even, so it (hopefully) comes across like I'm just slightly better than the person/people I'm competing with. I think perhaps I just like the idea of fair/even competition. Really, who likes losing by a wide margin?

A good example is a pick-up soccer game I played last night. I've played all my life and, while I'm nothing special, I have considerably more experience and ability than most of the people I play with. We only had four people last night, so skill differences were very obvious. I compensated by running less and by making mistakes: 'accidentally' giving up the ball, letting players get by me when I was defending. When they seemed to be catching up, I would step up my game a bit (not sure if it was intentional or not; I don't like losing).

I don't think any of that is a problem. It helps maintain a more fun environment, which is the point of those types of situations. When I played competitive soccer, I had no such feelings and I gladly beat people into the ground (figuratively) to the best of my ability.

Where it becomes an issue (in my case) is at work or in other situations where I want/need to be productive. I don't like to make other people look/feel stupid and I don't generally like being in the spotlight. I will often hold back good thoughts and ideas that I know will work to avoid embarrassing other people or to avoid too much attention. I know it's caused people to underestimate my abilities and undervalue my opinion, but it's a difficult habit to change.

No, I just don't like drawing attention to myself, particularly if that which is drawing attention to me could create animosity between me and the people paying attention to me.

I never really thought about it from that perspective, but that seems like it may be the source of my issues. Some people do say that INTPs have difficulty functioning in disharmonious situations. Not to mention, I always looked the part of the overachiever in grade school and I don't want to give other people any other reasons to dislike me. I wonder if I developed some kind of complex back then...

 

[Cognisant]

Some people do say that INTPs have difficulty functioning in disharmonious situations.

Personally I just think the world's out to get me.

 

[AlisaD]

I generally dislike competing all together, but if I do, then I'm going to damn well try and make sure I win.
Firstly, because it's fun, and secondly, because if I'm better the second person needs to know they're not that good and try and improve.
George Carlin put it nicely (if you don't want to see the whole clip just jump to 4:00)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rIPe5akN48&feature=related

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

No, but thank you for exposing a weakness I can exploit.

Wanna play checkers?

 

[Spectrum]

No, but thank you for exposing a weakness I can exploit.

Wanna play checkers?

Be a real man and play chess, checkers is for noobs.

 

[Minuend]

"Feel bad" is a bit strong. But I don't like to thoroughly crush my opponent. When playing videogames, I occasionally loose on purpose or hold back. Though, sometimes I win even though I try to hold back.

But if it's a card game or so I play often with the same people, and I know sometimes they win by a lot, other times I, it's not a big deal.

I don't know. When I grew up, I was kinda taught this mentality. Never showing off, brag, do unexpected things, stand out... Which is ridiculous. Would it be so bad to stand out occasionally? Oh no, someone thinks ill of me, what is the world coming to?

You have more fun when you let go, at least I do.

 

[IndigoSensor]

It depends. I will feel bad if the person I was against, who lost, ended up really having a much stronger desire to win then I myself had. I really avoid putting myself in situations where people are in win/lose situations (I am one of the most risk adverse people on the planet), so I don't have much experience with it. Nevertheless I will simply feel bad over the emotions the other person has involved with it. Of course, the origin of these emotions, and the validity of them certainly effects it. If the person involved reacts in a childish way and complains even though they lost fairly, then I won't care. As it is simply them responding to losing in highly childish and or ingenuine way. I never gloat about winning, ever, under any circumstances.

I try to create a balance for everything. When I have to be in situations where someone wins and loses, then I try to set it up so that everyone gets something and no one is harmed in the process. Hey, I am an INFJ, it's what I do.

 

[echoplex]

I think it depends on the personality of the opponent. If I have a reason to think they would be seriously devastated, or at least their day would be ruined or something, I tend to feel like an ass for trying hard to win because I quickly realize the mental/emotional stake I had in winning was considerably less than theirs.

Still though, my tendency when I'm tempted to feel bad is to remind them (and/or myself) that this, after all, is a competition, and that guilt-tripping someone/yourself simply for acting appropriately within the confines of the situation (competition) is far more cruel than competing and winning is, as cruel as it may seem to the loser.

Of course, that's assuming they're a willing and knowing participant. I'd feel bad if I competition-raped someone. If they are under the impression they're in a fully cooperative situation and I up and try to whoop their ass at something, then yeah, I'd feel like an ass.

 

[walfin]

I don't like to thoroughly crush my opponent.

Yeah actually I think I mean this.

And yes, this extends to everything, from a battle to the death to rock paper scissors.

I think it depends on the personality of the opponent.

Hm yeah me too.

But then I tend to second guess myself again - is the opponent emotionally manipulative? If so, would giving chance to such an opponent be unfair to another opponent who wasn't manipulative?

 

[Trebuchet]

Victory over a worthy opponent (meaning about equal in ability, and not a sore loser) is something to savor. Victory over someone who doesn't have a chance is not so pleasurable. I think this is a common reaction. I found a story about a softball team that so overmatched their opponents that they forfeited the game in order to spend the time helping the other team get better.

I won't play poorly on purpose, though, in order to let someone else win. Even when I play with my 6-year-old, I play my best, because if she wins, I don't want her to doubt that she earned it.

What I really have is a fear of whining.

 

[Death]

I would not feel bad if it was fair competition and I never fight dirty. I don't like having a limelight of winning either and unnecessary dramas that goes with it.

But then I tend to second guess myself again - is the opponent emotionally manipulative? If so, would giving chance to such an opponent be unfair to another opponent who wasn't manipulative?

How it is having edge against your opponent not by external means but your own skill could be unfair?

 

[Methuselah]

I never feel bad about winning, but I do have problems with subconscious self-sabotauge.

 

[Anchorite]

I don't feel bad when I win. I just feel weird. Whether it be a fight to the death, rock-paper-scissors, or anything in-between, I find few things as much fun as completely crushing my opponent. I feel weird because I'm ordinarily not competitive, at least not outwardly so, So I'm just not used to winning or blatantly losing when I attempt to do something.

 

[Phoenix Down]

that would depend... am I counting?

I love winning. You get to do a little shuffle, and people don't question why.
Winning things does get a little borring when it isn't a challenge.
(but I'll still go ahead and beat you)

 

[Chimera]

No, I just don't like drawing attention to myself, particularly if that which is drawing attention to me could create animosity between me and the people paying attention to me.

This.

Besides, I much prefer to have the element of surprise on my side in almost any situation. Where would the fun be if I laid all my talent and skill out for everyone to see in a competition? So I just don't compete, if I can help it.

Sports are different though. I will crush you in sports. Video games too.
​

 

[Agent of Chaos]

It depends on three things in no particular order;
1)Who is my opponent?
2)What are the stakes?
3)What is the game?

If I honestly won a game that I barely know against someone that that knows the game better, then the answer is no.
But if I won a game of Go-Fish against a 5 year old, then the answer would be yes.

I'm not a competitive person by nature, I just want to have fun.

 

[kantor1003]

I hate to loose. I hate it. I need to win, no matter how trivial the game (broad definition) is. If I don't, you can be sure I'll be practicing until I get you. Thats the whole fun, isn't it? Where is the fun in doing something competitive against someone that doesn't give a damn wether he wins or looses? Even if he doesn't, I'll probably still be rubbing it in his face in the hopes of awakening his desire to win.

I find few things as much fun as completely crushing my opponent.

That's the spirit!