Fear of looking like an idiot

[Roran]

This is the main reason I dislike talking to people and having to ask for help to do or find things. I fear I'll stammer or not know what to say or just look dumb. Considering that my sense of self worth is based almost entirely on my intelligence (not a good idea, I know) , this is not good. I understand this is common among INTP's ,correct? This is becoming a problem for me. Any tips or related experiences would be really helpful, guys.

 

[pjoa09]

I'm rather shamelessly stupid. I feel guilty sometimes for acting stupid. I prefer being called stupid rather than smart because then I have an expectation.

Fascinating though. I am hellasure my brother does that. He has this compulsive need to hurl his wits at anyone. It's really elegant.

 

[leafie]

I feel the exact same way. I'm always nervous about approaching people and speaking out, since I'm afraid of sounding or saying something weird. I always try to gauge the situation and plan out what I am going to say, how, and why before I talk. It's kind of slow (I guess all this comes naturally to some people), but it seems to be working. I have to consciously think about how I am to speak with a certain type of person.
Mostly I initiate conversation when I need something from a person (I prefer to be on my own most of the time), so it's important for me to make a good impression.

I'm new by the way ^_^ Hi!

 

[xbox]

Sometimes when I'm expected to be social, I stammer/stutter. It sucks. Sometimes I can never find the words.

 

[Cheeseumpuffs]

Kind of. I do worry about what I'm expected to do and how my actions affect the way people think of me but the stammering isn't a problem. I know I stammer. I do it, there's no way around it. So if anyone points it out I just say, "Yep" and move on.

 

[Lobstrich]

I've never heard that being insecure / being afraid of looking dumb is common amongst INTPs. I suffer from neither.

 

[Lot]

I don't usually stop myself from talking out and looking stupid. I'm more likely to look stupid and kick myself about it, sometimes for weeks. I also put my value in how smart I appear to people in public, but I am not ashamed to be ignorant. Not much can be done about that. I hang out with alot of people who are vastly smarter then I. So I've been humbled from this quite abit. When I was in highschool I had a superiority complex, so I would do anything to make myself appear better then those around me. I was also quite a sexist. This was my down fall. In my 2nd year of college, I had a younger female classmate repeatedly call me out on my moral integrity, motivation, and my general lack of mental progress over the years. I'm still quite good friends with her.

So you should remind your self that you were born ignorant, and that you existing as finite and in time, so you need to grow one step/moment at a time, in your wisdom and knowledge of the world. If you stammer, who cares? Fuck the people who would put you down or think lesser of you for it. I like to think of life as a giant experiment and everyone/thing around me are my test subjects. By saying things to different people and gagging their reactions you gain more knowledge of the world, and learning is worth the torment of being socially awkward, or as I like to put it "Socially Callous". I still get mad when I look like a fool in front of girls I like, but if they don't like me in all my stuttering, nervous tick infested self, even as a friend, then I don't think they are worth the effort for forming a relationship. If strangers think you to be odd then who knows, maybe one day they will come to see the brilliance that is INTP, and if not they will loss the privilege of being blessed by your insight on what ever it is that you know.

On not knowing what to say. You should start writing out what it is that you are trying to find out, or even making close friends that you don't mind looking foolish in front of and talk the issue out. I find INFPs to be good at this role. Use that Ti of your's to help you articulate what it is that you are really trying to ask help with. Yes you and everyone on earth has a hard time asking for help, that's pride stepping in a keeping you from the knowledge that you truly desire. So put it aside for the sake of progress, and one day you will be that wizard in his tower beaming with the arcane wisdom of the ages. That's my advice.

 

[crippli]

I think this is common. There are things you can do. Like doing ballet practice in front of your friends etc. If an adult, and an amateur, this will certainly make you look like an idiot. As the saying goes. To overcome fear you can face them.

It's limits you have programmed into your operating system. Like jumping off a high cliff. These can be overridden, but requires effort.

 

[Awaken]

I do not dislike most social interactions because I am afraid of looking stupid. I just think that for the most part people dont have enough awareness to add anything to my life. Verbal information from such people is useless, so I just watch, or think about the many other things that pop up into my head.

I imagine you will have to build your own self confidence first. Start out by being outspoken in areas that you excel in. Once you habituate this action, you should find it easier to do in other areas.

 

[Minuend]

Somewhat. My anxiety medication has helped somewhat, but when my anxiety gets stronger, I have some trouble talking to others confidently. I become withdrawn and unresponsive.

I still have major problems with intelligence, though. If I don't do well in school, for instance, my self confidence gets smacked back to my closet. Intelligence is like the one thing I have, I apparently believe, so when I don't have that I don't feel I have anything to contribute. Which creates a snow ball effect to other aspects of my life.

Have no idea how to counter it. If an objective measurement like school tells me I suck, then it must be true.

 

[Roran]

Everyone in my classes knows I'm intelligent, and often says "that's a smart dude" and other similar things, often when I immediately know the answer to a question or notice something the teacher was wrong about. That's a self confidence boost, until I need to talk about something not academic with someone I don't know very well.

 

[alrai]

Everyone in my classes knows I'm intelligent, and often says "that's a smart dude" and other similar things, often when I immediately know the answer to a question or notice something the teacher was wrong about. That's a self confidence boost, until I need to talk about something not academic with someone I don't know very well.

Your getting your confidence boosts from the wrong source, confidence should come from the self, not from how other see you, trust in yourself, consequently other will learn have trust in you. not academic? you mean spiritual? or what's your alternative?

 

[Roran]

Something not related directly to learning things.

 

[alrai]

Something not related directly to learning things.

Anything new(from anyone's perceptive) is related directly to learning, unless of course you keep learning the old stuff.

 

[Wittgenstein]

The solution is fairly simple.

You just ask yourself, "What will happen if I end up looking stupid?" At which point, you realize that it's not the end of the world if you end up embarrassing yourself. If people give you too much shit about it later you can just avoid them for a while and it goes away. People's attention spans/memories are not very good.

Kinda hard to swallow but it works.

 

[EditorOne]

Roran, it's fairly common among younger INTPs and what Wittenxx said is the way out. You simply haven't had enough experience under your belt to deploy indifference and say "WTF? Meh?" when stuff happens TO you instead of AROUND you.

The other thought to keep in mind is that probably nobody is paying as much attention to whether you look like an idiot as you are. Yeah, I know young people can take savage delight in exploiting perceived weakness, but still, even with that, you're probably more aware of what you believe are shortcomings than other people are.

The next suggestion is tougher, but ultimately it's the answer. Act like whatever you are doing is the thing to be doing and whatever everyone else is doing is somewhat puzzling. Fake the confidence and the confidence will come. Very odd, but it does work. Even if you stutter and someone titters, a quick quip is that your brain is going ten times faster than your tongue can handle and if you get a sass back from that, just say "yeah, well, not something you have a problem with." I mean, that IS what's going on, and it creates problems other don't have, but presented cleverly it turns out you've got more in play than they do.

 

[SpaceYeti]

This is the main reason I dislike talking to people and having to ask for help to do or find things. I fear I'll stammer or not know what to say or just look dumb. Considering that my sense of self worth is based almost entirely on my intelligence (not a good idea, I know) , this is not good. I understand this is common among INTP's ,correct? This is becoming a problem for me. Any tips or related experiences would be really helpful, guys.

Everybody's stupid, you're not special. I'm stupid, you're stupid, we're all stupid.

 

[Roran]

Everybody's stupid, you're not special. I'm stupid, you're stupid, we're all stupid.

Obviously I don't know everything, but I pride myself on being rather knowledgeable for a kid my age.

 

[SpaceYeti]

Obviously I don't know everything, but I pride myself on being rather knowledgeable for a kid my age.

I pride myself on being a pretty clever, funny guy, yet there are people who are funnier than I. There are people who are smarter than I. There are people who are stronger than I. There are people who are prettier than I (though I'm still a pretty good dish!) I realized at a young age that I was not the best at anything. I'm good at certain things, sure. Far better than the average person in some areas. Yet I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, there are gaps in my knowledge. You cannot avoid these things, so worrying about them is fruitless. I'm not saying give up, certainly. I'm saying only that you don't look like a moron when your knowledge is imperfect, you simply look human. Incidentally, that's what you are (probably), so there's nothing wrong with that.

 

[digital angel]

I still have times where I'm not comfortable in social situations. Small talk isn't easy at times either and I'm in my thirties. I think this is one of those areas where feeling comfortable about it comes with time and more experience.

 

[mainiac]

lots of people do not feel comfortable in social situations. I for one get very annoyed the larger the crowd. I hate crowded noisy places, it grates on my nerves. But if you enjoy social situations yet are uncomfortable I suspect it will get better simply because of your enjoyment of this enviroment.

 

[Roran]

No enjoyment here. I cannot stand the company of the people in my classes. What I was talking about in the OP was fear/nervousness when asking for something or information.

 

[mainiac]

Please do not accept the inadequate and often down right wrong doctrine of public shools. Read and learn from other sources and then see just how wrong they may be about you. Do not ever accept what they say about you personaly..such as you must have add because...ect. Often the ones telling you they know what is best for you should have never ben allowed to be a teacher or adminitrator for any reason. If you yourself suspect you may have problem that needs working on, find out independently all you can. When you have gained the knowledge you seek you will be able to tell how great a fool you were listning to..and i hope you tell who ever just that if you find that to be the case.

 

[Roran]

I'm not exactly the benchmark for "normal", by my own admission, possibly an Aspie, maybe socially anxious. One teacher of mine (a particularly jovial fellow) went so far as to directly ask if I was insane. I replied, with a slasher smile, "Maybe." But whatever. This is how I am. You don't like it, too friggin bad.

 

[ObliviousGenius]

Hmm, yes. I can't stand it, I absolutely hate to make a spectacle of myself for any reason at all. People see my unusual talent for just about everything and want to put me in situations where I am in the spotlight which I also hate. I go to church every Sunday and I really stick out like a sore thumb. I'm actually very sociable to the other members in a formal sort of way most of the time. But I can't help but think that secretly in their mind they're thinking "wierdo". No matter what I do I can't seem to make myself invisible to these people. I always say yes to their requests to do a public speach, etc but more and more lately I have distanced myself from them. You have no idea how awkward it is for me (or maybe you do) to see so many eyes constantly looking my way every time I turn my head. I don't want people seeing me do anything really, except listening to my extremely profound theories which I always confirm in some sort of way first.

 

[Oblivious]

Why hello there.

Have we met before.

 

[Words]

I had the same problem years ago. Solution: make yourself look stupid, a lot. It won't matter eventually. At times, my cluelessness can even make people laugh.

 

[Cheeseumpuffs]

I had the same problem years ago. Solution: make yourself look stupid, a lot. It won't matter eventually. At times, my cluelessness can even make people laugh.

That's kind of what I do. If I'm not sure what to do or say I might just act horribly and utterly confused to where I don't know what's really going on and people just kind of laugh and be like 'oh silly you' or something like that. Other people are just like 'what a fucking retard.'

 

[MissBadHabits]

Everyone in my classes knows I'm intelligent, and often says "that's a smart dude" and other similar things, often when I immediately know the answer to a question or notice something the teacher was wrong about. That's a self confidence boost, until I need to talk about something not academic with someone I don't know very well.

I seriously stammer/stutter/mumble/slur my words all the time whether around friends or people I don't know. It used to bother me but now I either correct myself if I think someone actually noticed or just keep talking depending on the circumstance of course. It doesn't really matter, have you ever listened to the way people talk nowadays? It's dreadful, I bet most of the time nobody even notices the stammer or if they do 3 seconds later you're going to blow their mind with your awesome wittiness, so don't worry, be happy

 

[EditorOne]

OK, so as I sometimes do: If some of you would like to get this particular hurdle behind you, you're not alone, in fact there's an ancient and venerable organization, Toastmasters, which has one reason for existing: Helping people like us get past the fears that keep us from being more successful whenever the ability to communicate clearly to more than one trusted person is in play. (Which is to say, most of the time for any of us not paid to sit alone in a cubicle and simply think.)

Toastmasters.

It is small groups, there are 13,000 chapters around the world, the fee is quite small, the program is structured and proven to be effective, and EVERYBODY THERE came because they shared the same fears expressed here about "public speaking," even in a mere classroom setting. The critiquing is also done in a structured way, with a rubric that separates the "performance" of the speaker from his persona.

I misunderstood this organization for years. I thought it was people who LIKED to hear themselves talk. It's just the opposite. It's people who are pretty sure they need to get better at it, just so they can stop worrying about their lack of comfort.

They don't care if you are 14 years old or 94 years old, by the way.

I hope some of you visit the site and check it out. It might be a big help. Some of us will never be comfortable in front of a crowd, but this is a good way to be less pained, and more effective, than we are when thrashing around in this arena without real help.

 

[Jennywocky]

This is the main reason I dislike talking to people and having to ask for help to do or find things. I fear I'll stammer or not know what to say or just look dumb. Considering that my sense of self worth is based almost entirely on my intelligence (not a good idea, I know) , this is not good. I understand this is common among INTP's ,correct? This is becoming a problem for me. Any tips or related experiences would be really helpful, guys.

Yeah, I still struggle with that even in my 40's, at work when I feel like I don't know much of the details about something and so I don't want to open my mouth and sound ignorant. it's something I think we have to work around / get over if we are to be effective... because realistically we are actually pretty knowledgeable, more than we credit ourselves for, and can contribute to the big picture well in a conversation.

One thing to do is ask questions in areas of uncertainty. You won't sound stupid, honestly, especially if you can reframe what answers people give so that it's clear you understand them.

I think also as you become more well-rounded and less focused on proving yourself through your intellect, some of the pressure will ease. When I primarily viewed myself as needing to be smart in order to be acceptable and have value, I had a lot of trouble as well... i couldn't afford to not know something. Nowadays, I accept there is a lot I don't know, so what I need to do is ask questions; people enjoy sharing their knowledge, because it helps THEM feel smart!

 

[NoID10ts]

I look like an idiot almost exclusively. It's appearing smart that scares the hell out of me.

Seriously, I recently went back and viewed some old videos of me preaching and was mortified at how ignorant I sounded. And it wasn't just because I was preaching, which is inherently full of bullshit (although I believed it at the time). My diction and pronunciation was terrible, like poser ghetto white boy bad, and every time I see videos of myself where I speak, I'm mortified. I don't know why I speak that way or how to correct it, but I certainly have hang ups about speaking for fear of looking like an idiot. I also get really tongue tied when I can't seem to summon a competent answer right off the tip of my head which makes me feel and look stupid too.

People always tell me I'm smart, though, so maybe my own self perception is much worse than the reality (?). Lately, I've been more withdrawn and I crave expression through writing as opposed to speaking.

 

[Trebuchet]

EditorOne is right about no one else looking at you as critically as you do yourself. Seriously, that is absolutely right.

Needing help or information is not the same as stupidity. Maybe you need someone taller to reach something up high, need directions to somewhere, need information on how to find something in the library, or need to know what it is that has everyone's attention (but you missed it). None of that is shameful. Smart people ask questions.

You are in good company in being reluctant to ask for help. I have noticed that no one wants to ask for help, or even accept help that is offered. I offered to help a neighbor lift a heavy ladder over some bushes, clearly a two-person job, but he refused. The other day, someone's shopping cart overturned in the exit row of the parking lot, and when people around offered to help, he said, "no, I've got it." No one took that seriously and we helped anyway, because it was blocking traffic.

I don't know how widespread this attitude is, that it is better to turn down offers of help from people able and willing to give it, but to me, that looks more stupid than admitting the need for help. I'm quite willing to just ask someone to give me a hand, or hold the door, or whatever. People are always delighted to be able to use their skills or knowledge to help someone. Seriously, it makes them happy to be able to help. It makes them feel smart and competent and kind, and it makes them see you more positively as a result. And all you have to do in return is smile and say thanks.

 

[swbluto]

Fearful or not, I look like an idiot anyways, so whether I do something or not doesn't depend on the "Will I look like an idiot?" factor.

 

[tepellian]

To get out of a fear, you have to face it. Prepare before you speak, if it helps you.

Asking questions, in particular, is a good thing to get used to. Sometimes you aren't going to know everything, and as someone already mentioned, I also think some people are happy to answer questions because they feel competent doing it. Especially to you, if you're already looked up to as smart.

 

[Zionoxis]

I relate to this more than I would prefer to admit. My actions in a social setting almost completely revolve around if I will look like an idiot or not (or in the case that I think someone is mistaken about something, I may let it slip and override that need which in turn....makes me look like an arrogant douche as opposed to idiot).