Fear of abandonment

[Majodora]

Hey guys,

I didn't actually know where to turn to. I'm an entj with a massive fear, absolute panic, of abandonment. I'm new to these 16 personalities thing, but I read that intp mix well with my type, and I thought maybe someone of you could help me?

Does anyone of you suffer from this? How do you get rid of it? Does anyone have an answer how I can get rid of it so it doesn't poison every relationship I ever get into?

I know it's ridiculous but I thought giving it a shot.

Edit; I realize I might come across as I don't know, rude? I apologize! My intention is purely to ease the pain I have and heal.

 

[scorpiomover]

NMI (Need More Information).

How does your fear of abandonment affect you?

What things do you do differently in your life because of your fear of abandonment?

 

[Majodora]

How it affects me: I recently started talking with an intp guy and we clicked immediately. I'm a softer type, not too dominant or stubborn. He asked about my life, and there are a few traumas I need to heal but the first emotion that comes up is the fear of abandonment, and it takes the form of panic and I feel like I'm dying if he would leave me. It's only momentarily, but it has already put friction in our relationship. This extreme reaction is only when he asked about my past. He has the ability to dig inside of me, which is so incredible, but he doesn't have the life right now to help me, he has a really busy and stressful job that takes all his limited emotional strenght. Which I respect massively.

The second way is that I get really anxious if I don't hear anything from him. But I've managed to control it, so i don't send him messages. But it takes a lot of energy, and he is introverted so poor him.. he is absolutely exhausted by me already..

But it all just stems from my childhood because i was left alone as a very young kid and I was terrified.

What I do differently because of the fear: I can't have a healthy relationship. It doesn't come up anytime else, but only when dating.

I feel really lonely.

 

[Majodora]

Thank you for taking time for me. But I found an answer now

 

[byhisello99]

Majodoro,

I am too familiar with your story. My wife has the same fear, and it arose from a horrific childhood. She is an ISFJ; I don't believe MBTI is relevant here. I practiced psychiatry for only a year after med school, and that was three decades ago. Nonetheless, I try to keep up on the profession, and the consensus is that the roots of the fear of abandonment are in childhood, often in abuse.

The fear can be incapacitating and can cause serious damage to relationships. In my wife, it manifested itself in a need to control me. She has been in counseling on and off for 35 years, and it has helped. She was adopted as a child; suffice it to say the adoptive pedophile was the better parent. Help is out there. Good luck.

 

[Majodora]

Majodoro,

I am too familiar with your story. My wife has the same fear, and it arose from a horrific childhood. She is an ISFJ; I don't believe MBTI is relevant here. I practiced psychiatry for only a year after med school, and that was three decades ago. Nonetheless, I try to keep up on the profession, and the consensus is that the roots of the fear of abandonment are in childhood, often in abuse.

The fear can be incapacitating and can cause serious damage to relationships. In my wife, it manifested itself in a need to control me. She has been in counseling on and off for 35 years, and it has helped. She was adopted as a child; suffice it to say the adoptive pedophile was the better parent. Help is out there. Good luck.

Thank you so much for sharing. Yes, you are absolutely right. These things are engraved in the soul and has to be healed with care and professional help who has previous experience with treating trauma.
It was very nice reading your text and I feel seen. Thank you again for taking your time to reply.

And your wife must be the strongest woman on this planet!

Take care

 

[byhisello99]

She is strong indeed. We were in couples counseling for several years, and the counselor told me the only cure was to go back in time and re-raise her from infancy. That wasn't a realistic option, leaving me two other options: live with it, or leave. The "it" was the fact that my wife didn't love me, she loved a male version of herself, thinking that's who I was, and I just wouldn't behave correctly. We did separate for seven months, she got some insight and we reconciled. That was preceded by ten years of intentionally going back into major depression because I was trapped. I couldn't support myself and my wife separately plus our adult daughter, who was fully disabled.

I have missed my entire adulthood due to major depressive disorder, and I grieve. But, my wife is provided for for the rest of her life, and our daughter has lived; it's only money.

 

[Majodora]

Yes I see. Do you want my input?

 

[byhisello99]

Yes I see. Do you want my input?

Input is almost always valuable. I encourage people to engage respectfully in reasoned discussion.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

Let go of your expectations of others. You stay or be with someone out of the love of it, you let them know how you feel. You can't force anyone to stay, show them how much you care. And don't expect anything in return.

Place your faith in something that never leaves you.

 

[BurnedOut]

I didn't actually know where to turn to. I'm an entj with a massive fear, absolute panic, of abandonment. I'm new to these 16 personalities thing, but I read that intp mix well with my type, and I thought maybe someone of you could help me?

If you are new to MBTI and new to this forum as well, I should say this - You are going to not call yourself as an ENTJ after a certain point of time or even INTP or anything else no matter how closely it conforms with your behavior.

As for fear of abandonment, it is usually function of upbringing, life events and to some extent nature. Any personality out there can possess these qualities. I assume that you are asking this because despite your normal assertiveness, you feel vacillating inside with self-doubt. It is alright.

If such behavior of yours is too problematic, it is time seek help. Don't be afraid of it. Just seek it.