Family

[christina64]

I wasn’t sure exactly where to put this, but I think it will be fine here

What I’ve been thinking about a lot lately are the relationships I have with my family and most other people in my life. I remain emotionally detached. I could walk away from them, and I would be happy to never see or hear from them again. This could be because I just don’t trust them, or because they make me uncomfortable in one way or another.

Privacy is extremely important to me. I have been able to at times lighten up on this—after all, what do I have to hide? Nonetheless, I don’t share a lot with most people, and I’m very passive aggressive so as to avoid discussing the things that really matter to me personally. At the end of the day, I mostly just want to be alone.

All of this sounds like my problem. I know I have a hard time trusting anyone, and that I can place too much importance on things that some people in my life have done and said. I just don’t feel like I can dismiss these things.

I don’t really want to have relationships with my family members. The people I really care about, the ones I actually want to talk to, are extremely rare…

Has anyone here experienced this? Is it an INTP thing or just me being an idiot?

 

[Base groove]

Is it an INTP thing or just me being an idiot?

...or?

or

Why not both?

 

[christina64]

Yeah, good point...

 

[Base groove]

I mean, I'm with ya. I don't care much about anybody either. Unless they give me gifts..... or visit me, then I have this strange desire to show/feel gratitude even if I know I've shown enough. Just a poor judge of what's appropriate.

Wait for them to die. That was the advice I recently got about my grandmother who no longer says "hi" but jumps straight into asking me the dumbest most obnoxious question imaginable (a skill I guess) every time I see her.

^
I realize this seems a little 'off'. I mean, she picks the wrong time to ask me questions that will take way too long to answer, especially because if I answer it directly she will automatically be promted to ask more because she didn't get a clear answer because the question was a little off.

I don't know. Do you know what I mean or is this crazy?


~

I don't know. Do you know what I mean or is this crazy?

...or?

why not both?

 

[Microtonalist]

I grew up in a large, noisy family where privacy was in short supply. Most of the time, I just wanted to be as far from them as possible. As I got older, I learned how to put up with them. Going away to school and living in a different country for awhile probably helped to save my relationship with my parents.
As an adult, I get along with most of them pretty well, and I can actually enjoy spending time with my parents. But it took a long time to get there.
I'm not sure how old the OP is, but most people I know who had trouble with their families generally make their peace with them sometime in their adult lives. In my case, keeping my distance has been really helpful. I don't see them that often even though we live in the same city.

 

[Jennywocky]

I wasn’t sure exactly where to put this, but I think it will be fine here

What I’ve been thinking about a lot lately are the relationships I have with my family and most other people in my life. I remain emotionally detached. I could walk away from them, and I would be happy to never see or hear from them again. This could be because I just don’t trust them, or because they make me uncomfortable in one way or another.

Privacy is extremely important to me. I have been able to at times lighten up on this—after all, what do I have to hide? Nonetheless, I don’t share a lot with most people, and I’m very passive aggressive so as to avoid discussing the things that really matter to me personally. At the end of the day, I mostly just want to be alone.

All of this sounds like my problem. I know I have a hard time trusting anyone, and that I can place too much importance on things that some people in my life have done and said. I just don’t feel like I can dismiss these things.

I don’t really want to have relationships with my family members. The people I really care about, the ones I actually want to talk to, are extremely rare…

Has anyone here experienced this? Is it an INTP thing or just me being an idiot?

Actually, despite really caring about some people (including my children), I find it very easily to live an independent, solitary life. it takes energy from me to reach out and engage to people who are not in proximity. This is why much of my interaction still occurs on the Internet, since it takes so little energy and I can control my interactions (pacing, duration, etc.)

Sometimes I feel lonely or isolated, physically, or I feel like something might be wrong with me. But I don't really know how to make anything else happen. I can try to step up the face-to-face interactions, but when I've done that, I burn out.

I'd probably do best living with my SO and living in the same building/complex as people I care about so I naturally see them during my day.

I guess I'll summarize by saying for me it has nothing to do with lack of trust or with malice toward anyone, and it doesn't even mean I'm indifferent to them; I actually like having people in my life and I'm pretty open with people I trust enough to care about; it's mostly an energy-based issue for me, I don't have the energy for lots of strenuous interaction.

 

[The Void]

I was like that. But then I got so severely detached, that being with or without family, it feels the same. All feels non-existent.
Only the Void I can feel, all other things are getting kinda like shielded my an invisible mental wall.
Now I can exist anywhere without problem and manipulate my hosts as I like.

 

[Architect]

Sounds exactly like an INTP.

 

[QuickTwist]

I'm with you all the way accept I have leaned that passive aggressive behavior get me nowhere. I have to be direct and curt with people or they don't get the point. This is my advice to you: don't rely on subtle wit to solve all your relationship problems; it is better to be honest and voice your concerns directly. Also, using you Fe to appeal to their emotions while doing this is a really good way to get your point across.

 

[BigApplePi]

I wasn’t sure exactly where to put this, but I think it will be fine here

What I’ve been thinking about a lot lately are the relationships I have with my family and most other people in my life. I remain emotionally detached. I could walk away from them, and I would be happy to never see or hear from them again. This could be because I just don’t trust them, or because they make me uncomfortable in one way or another.

Privacy is extremely important to me. I have been able to at times lighten up on this—after all, what do I have to hide? Nonetheless, I don’t share a lot with most people, and I’m very passive aggressive so as to avoid discussing the things that really matter to me personally. At the end of the day, I mostly just want to be alone.

All of this sounds like my problem. I know I have a hard time trusting anyone, and that I can place too much importance on things that some people in my life have done and said. I just don’t feel like I can dismiss these things.

I don’t really want to have relationships with my family members. The people I really care about, the ones I actually want to talk to, are extremely rare…

Has anyone here experienced this? Is it an INTP thing or just me being an idiot?

I don't know you personally so I can't speak for you. I grew up not close to my family at all. Perhaps you are talking about friends. Friends are hard to find for me as an INTP.

Today things are different. My sister is a friend of sorts. My wife is a friend of sorts. I had to work at both of those ... and in different ways. How's that for family?

Privacy? Why the hell would I want a non-friend to interfere with my privacy? Answer: only if they are candidate for something or other I'm interested in.

 

[Cavallier]

Actually, despite really caring about some people (including my children), I find it very easily to live an independent, solitary life. it takes energy from me to reach out and engage to people who are not in proximity.

...

I'd probably do best living with my SO and living in the same building/complex as people I care about so I naturally see them during my day.

I guess I'll summarize by saying for me it has nothing to do with lack of trust or with malice toward anyone, and it doesn't even mean I'm indifferent to them; I actually like having people in my life and I'm pretty open with people I trust enough to care about; it's mostly an energy-based issue for me, I don't have the energy for lots of strenuous interaction.

This really sums me up. I care about some of the people that for whatever reason I no longer see on a regular basis. I'm referring to old co-workers, neighbors, friends, and all of my extended family. I want them to do well and sometimes I am curious about how their lives are going. However, if given the choice between sort of dossier with a few pictures and actually meeting up to spend time together I'll take the report instead.

I am perfectly capable of maintaining relationships with people who are naturally existing in my day to day life. I develop things to talk with them about. I remember to ask after various happenings in their lives. I include them in the happenings of mine. I bake them cakes and get them gifts when appropriate. We banter and share beers and have good times together. I think they think we are quite close. Yet, if they moved away I'd be glad they have an opportunity to grow and do something new and happily resign them to the group I defined in my first paragraph.

I don't think of myself as being a sociopath. I'm just good at letting go and moving on.

 

[Helvete]

I experience this, but nothing to do with trust. I trust my family more than I trust myself... I'd say it's energy related. But then again I also doubt that, I don't avoid social situations like most would expect an INTP to. I just don't like to be the focus and be able to interject into a conversation at will. As long as these conditions are met it's fine, but I don't seem to get that around family. I'm almost expected a certain level of social interaction that I'm to tired/uncomfortable or just don't want to give.
Luckily I have friends who seem to understand that don't ignore me when I don't feel too social but don't pressure me or make me feel like I should uphold my end of interaction. So maybe that's why I'm not so avoidant of those situations as it means less microscopic nitpicking focus from the family.

 

[Vrecknidj]

What I’ve been thinking about a lot lately are the relationships I have with my family and most other people in my life. I remain emotionally detached.

Privacy is extremely important to me. ... and I’m very passive aggressive so as to avoid discussing the things that really matter to me personally. At the end of the day, I mostly just want to be alone.

I know I have a hard time trusting anyone,

I don’t really want to have relationships with my family members.

So, who hurt you and what did they do?