Eye contact

[Certyy]

I have this problem with making eye contact with people. I can last about 2 seconds until I feel uncomfortable and have to look away. I don't know, making eye contact with someone seems like such an intimate act... it makes me really anxious. I think this has to do with my hyper-awareness/hyper-perceptivity. I am super super receptive to people's facial expressions and the general atmosphere of the conversation, so when I'm looking into someone's eyes and I sense some uneasiness or uncomfortability (something I think a lot of people feel when conversing with me--probably because I usually feel uncomfortable when talking to people and I'm pretty sure it shows, and this makes them uncomfortable. I also just communicate in a weird way I guess so people feel uneasy when speaking with me) I kinda freak out and get really anxious and have to look away and just listen to them without looking directly at them. If I continue to look them in the eyes, I get so nervous that my thoughts become consumed with anxiety and I don't pay attention to anything the other person is saying. lmao.

So yea, do any of you guys have problems with eye contact too?

 

[TheScornedReflex]

When I was younger. But not so much now. And welcome.

 

[Certyy]

How old are you now? And thanks

 

[own8ge]

I had it until the age of 15? But only for elderly people. Now, I have the power to stare at people for hours. You'll get there

 

[Certyy]

Hahah alright, yea I'm sure I'll get over it eventually. It's very annoying right now though.

 

[TheScornedReflex]

How old are you now? And thanks

About a millenia. Nah, I am 20. You're welcome.

 

[TriflinThomas]

I have the opposite problem. My friends tell me I look like I'm glaring at people when I'm just observing their faces. I actually got a water balloon thrown at me because of my "glare" (luckily it missed). I have no problem maintaining eye contact if it's expected (work, school, etc)

 

[Magus]

It depends for me. I think naturally I tend to break contact and like talking while looking around the room. Its quite funny one of my best INTP friends does exactly the same thing and we can have the most amazing conversations which last for hours while only incidentally looking at each other.

On the other hand, if I am more conscious of how I am behaving I have no problem with looking someone in the eyes. In these situations, if anything I tend to overdo it and usually look into their face more than they do mine.

I'm generally not very confrontational however.

Social anxiety for me can come and go. I've won several public speaking awards so I think its fair to say I am an accomplished speaker but sometimes I'll end up just mumbling to myself in group situations or deliberately avoiding people. Generally if you regularly expose yourself to social interactions most of the anxiety will fade (at least this is my experience). If anything it only builds up when I've been acting a recluse for a long period.

 

[gracious]

It depends on the individual. Some people have gazes that can fry my circuits and I react with the human equivalent of a BSOD.

 

[Hawkeye]

It depends on the individual. Some people have gazes that can fry my circuits and I react with the human equivalent of a BSOD.

Ha! I'm the same.

 

[own8ge]

Ha! I'm the same.

Didn't know that you were a pussy o.O

 

[Hawkeye]

Didn't know that you were a pussy o.O

I'm as soft as a kitten and twice as furry.

 

[own8ge]

I'm as soft as a kitten and twice as furry.

Ha! Signatured

 

[Elegia]

I used to have this problem a few years back. Then I read some tips on the issue (look just above their eyes, switch the eye you look at, etc) and forced myself to keep looking at people. I still tend to divert my gaze about every 5 seconds, mainly because I fear they'll think I'm staring otherwise. However, when looking away, my gaze is no longer swinging to the other side of the room and instead focuses on some point close to the person's face or eyes.

I don't know if it will work for you, but for me it helps to keep looking in my own eyes when standing in front of a mirror.

 

[kvothe27]

Yup. For the same reasons, too . . .

 

[Abe]

I don't have a problem with it. I was raised to look people in the eye when you talked to them because it shows respect. In fact, sometimes I make people nervous because I'm so comfortable with it that I sometimes forget to break it.
The only time I have an issue with eye contact is when someone is trying to get inside my head by asking my personal opinions.
Also, if I'm admitting to something personal, I tend to look away.

 

[r4ch3l]

Yes. It was really bad when I was a kid. Sometimes people would tell me something was wrong with me for it, or ask me if I had been abused. It stayed bad until mid-college, improved when I traveled alone and had to maintain eye contact in order to communicate in languages I was not fluent in. These days I can keep good eye contact when I'm just going through the motions but when I am concentrating or talking about something important I look away, because I can't maintain eye contact and think at the same time. I think in pictures/categories/diagrams. I think this also explains my lag in real-time communication; I have to translate from the pictures into words.

I try and tell people who I am more comfortable with that averting eye contact actually means I am listening and processing, because it's true. But it's good to be able to fake it and get through the more formal and boring parts of life without trouble.

 

[SpaceYeti]

Eye contact is contextually sensitive. If you make eye contact, you're either challenging, or you're empathizing. There doesn't seem to be a time when looking in eyes doesn't mean you're interacting with people, which means if you're looking someone in the eyes, you're supposed to say something, or they are. I avoid eye contact when it's not necessary.

 

[r4ch3l]

If you make eye contact, you're either challenging, or you're empathizing.

Both modes of existing that INTPs don't seem to fall into very often.
I'm never aggressive or jockeying for position unless I'm mid-debate and empathy is there but mostly involves analyzing another's situation/point of view and placing myself inside it that way.

 

[jie2]

I have a tendency to look around while thinking/talking, but I try to come back every once in a while for brief eye contact. Anything more than 1 or 2 seconds at a time does not feel natural and I can (not always) very quickly start feeling derealized, which will make me feel very uncomfortable and distract me from (take me out of) the conversation.

 

[Wolf18]

I find it much easier to look people in the eye when I am lying, oddly enough – presumably because I know there are actual stakes. Otherwise, unless I need to be challenging, I get uncomfortable. Normally, I tend to stare at people without eye contact, and without their noticing. If I'm excited or passionate about something (a rare occurrence), though I will make eye-to-eye.

SW

 

[Spirit]

I was thinking about this topic yesterday when I gave a presentation.

I do the same thing when I am having regular conversations with people. Not some much while they are talking but more so when I am talking I look avert my eyes. I do think it helps me think clearer.

I know when I look at people when they talk, i begin to analyze them and I get distracted.

 

[ObliviousGenius]

I've never really had a huge problem with looking people in the eye. In fact, I tend to stare at people when talking to them, especially when I'm listening. I think it's just intense focus. I have to remind myself to look away and give the occasional head nod as to not look weird.

 

[spectralvision]

Yes.

I often get hyper aware of my eye contact with people when I think about it. If I am relaxed or very engaged I tend to forget and it becomes more natural. Also this seems to be a more recent phenomena, I used to be shy but very socially adept and engaging. For the past few years I've been all socially anxiety/awkwardly aware of myself.

I think I'm regressing guys.

 

[Ex-User (9062)]

Well, i have acquired this problem.
When i was young, it was no problem at all.
In my early teenage years, i often got a kick out of staring into people's eyes who happened to pass me by on the sidewalk,
and i sort of felt very powerful and accomplished when they were the first to look away, especially down.
I got a lot of self-confidence out of that.
(But today i put this behaviour into the same category as child arsonism...)

And then, in my mid to late teenage years, people started to complain about my eye contact.
From mesmerizing to piercing to penetrating to scanning my gander has been described.
I guess they were right, i can see through people, down to the bones.
(metaphorically speaking)
Coincidentally, the people who were most uncomfortable with my eyebeam
were those kind of folk who put up a nice rosy facade, but proved to be venomous and vile in their heart.
Those who were pure souls never even mentioned it.
You can put two and two together yourself.

Nevertheless, from these occurences i have developed the perception that my glimpse is like a razor blade.
And, since i don't like to hurt people, i have slowly developed a habit of not looking people into their eyes.

This has been pointed out to me as well,
the funny thing is...
When someone says "Look me into the eye, you really should..."
and i do it, they quickly change their mind, because they can't handle it.

What can i do?
Catch 22.

 

[Starcrossed]

I've noticed a lot of people complain that it feels like I'm reading their very soul while others are very intrigued by this...
I've tried to break my staring you in the eye problem but I'm not so sure I want to because it seems that everyone who does complain about it has some sort of ulterior motive.

 

[Jennywocky]

I only have trouble staring into people's eyes when I get depressed because of the vulnerability, but typically I look into people's eyes when I talk. I want to connect with them, and I want to understand them, and eye contact not only establishes a connection but provides additional input.

The only time people have complained is when I'd play the piano. I'd usually be playing things by ear or making them up as I went, and I'd end up staring somewhere even if I really wasn't 'seeing' anything (my consciousness was focused on the music) and then if someone happened to be where i was staring, they'd yell at me.

 

[ZenRaiden]

I have had both problems. It started with staring and now its the exact opposite.

 

[Ex-User (9062)]

I only have trouble staring into people's eyes when I get depressed because of the vulnerability, but typically I look into people's eyes when I talk. I want to connect with them, and I want to understand them, and eye contact not only establishes a connection but provides additional input.

The only time people have complained is when I'd play the piano. I'd usually be playing things by ear or making them up as I went, and I'd end up staring somewhere even if I really wasn't 'seeing' anything (my consciousness was focused on the music) and then if someone happened to be where i was staring, they'd yell at me.

Well, i have developed a habit of reading people's emotions from their labial angle.
Some might say that this implies autism.
I disagree.

I just had a bit of a laugh as i imagined the piano situation you described.
When concentrating, i use to stare into space as well.
I can't understand why people are so uptight about it.
It's not like i am going to bring about the armageddon or anything.

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

Maintaining eye contact really helps, if you stare too long you distract them or make them uneasy if you want to. If you avoid looking in their eyes they can feel misunderstood or annoyed. Its usually best to emulate what the other person does.

 

[Jennywocky]

I just had a bit of a laugh as i imagined the piano situation you described.
When concentrating, i use to stare into space as well.
I can't understand why people are so uptight about it.
It's not like i am going to bring about the armageddon or anything.

"It's a Good Life."

People do get a little freaked out by the sense of scrutiny, even when we're not even looking at them.

 

[Ex-User (9062)]

"It's a Good Life."

People do get a little freaked out by the sense of scrutiny, even when we're not even looking at them.

I'm sorry, i don't open PDFs because of security concerns...

I just don't understand what they have to fear.
They live their lives on facebook for the whole god darn world to see,
but are afraid that a look into their eyes might tell something about them?
Am i missing something?

 

[.........................]

I just sort of trained myself to stare at people in the eyes, a sort of penetrating stare deal. I do it a lot, in a non-threatening way. The benefits of staring people in the eyes can really be good in a lot of situations. You will probably learn to do it more and more until it becomes a habit.

 

[Cavalli]

I'm 16 and I don't like doing it unless I'm talking to I have an incredible amount of respect for. I just hate it. I'm getting better at it over time, because I'm having to (teachers tend to get very frustrated if you don't look them in the eye) so I can do it if the occasion arises where it's necessary, but it's unpleasant.

 

[RobdoR]

I find looking people in the eyes makes me lose my train of thought. It's hard to do. My wife says I'm getting better at it, but I still think it's noticeable by others. It's also hard for me to keep the attention of a group. Eh, social skills. Hard to learn, but necessary for dominating the world. Also for telling jokes. Maybe I'll try the staring into people eyes...Get this problem swinging the other direction.

 

[Suicicidad]

Stare at the brow, gives the appearance of looking into the eyes

 

[freedomchaser24]

Used to be timid with people when I was younger, but thanks to a lot of nasty crap in my life, I overcome it. Now I always make eye contact to let people know I'm not weak (I also smile so they know I'm not a threat), also analyze their hands, posture and eye muscles to determine whether they're a threat. So when it comes to confrontation, I'm confident and analytical, not afraid of people. But that shyness all comes flooding back when I'm attracted to someone...

 

[Porcelain]

Hmm, I was told that my gaze is intimidating though. I dont puposely stare, but, well, it happens.

Do note that I'm still undecided between INTJ and INTP.

 

[alludes2profundity4lyfe]

Body language + spoken language > quantity of information able to be effectively processed by the conscious mind in the space of an interaction.

It is a natural inclination of mine to sometimes lapse out of eye contact, to preserve the integrity of the abstract thought from distraction. But to those who prioritize information differently this can be disruptive and/or off-putting. In fact, I readily admit that there is an opportunity cost to making a value judgment in types of information in this way.

But for me this happens intuitively and yet the majority of people I interact with, just as naturally, disagree with this kind prioritization and so I find myself compromising in the interest of having a successful dialogue. What is this natural inclination to value conceptual abstract information over more feeling-oriented visual cues? Does anyone else echo this experience?

 

[Grayman]

So yea, do any of you guys have problems with eye contact too?

Na, my da beat it out of me.

When looking directly into peoples eyes their aura seems to change. I have not put my finger on the changes but I don't recognize discomfort in the gauze.

 

[JimJambones]

Eyes are beautiful objects and they emote so much and I have mixed thoughts and feelings about making eye contact. If I want to talk to someone on a non-intellectual level I love making eye contact as I really feel that I am getting a genuine interaction. But if I want to talk scientifically or when using logic heavily in a conversation I cannot make eye contact as it is distracting. What I don't like is when people use eye contact to intimidate, as I almost always look away from those aggressive stares.

Once I passed adolescence I went from never looking anyone in the eye out of shyness to looking nearly everyone in the eye because I just love doing it. I don't think many people know how to handle the eye contact I provide. I'll look at anyone, any age the same way, but some men take it as a sign of aggression and some women take it as a sign of interest. Of course if I like someone I like making eye contact even more than usual, but making eye contact is not definitively a sign that I like or dislike anyone in particular.