Ever want to give up on life?

[Toad]

I'm feeling depressed as shit today...I know you guys don't want to hear all my problems, but I just have to get them out.

Please Do Not read if you don't feel like like listening to a baby shit face talk about his problems...

Well to start off, I made some really bad decisions in my life. My mom sent me to military school when I was in high school. When I got out I went to a community college and worked at target. It was going well until I got really depressed and dropped out after a year and a half. I quit my job too. Then I decided I needed a change so I moved out of sunny california to "wet 9 months out of the year" vancouver, bc.

When I came to vancouver, I got a license to sell insurance...well that worked out really well in the begining but then i got bored and started doing all this crap to make extra money...eventually my boss found out, got super pissed at me, and canned my ass.

After that I kind of just drifted aimlessly...Luckily I had a buddy who took care of me during that time...I was unemployed for about 3 months...During that 3 months me and him really got into smoking weed. We would smoke everyday. It was pretty fun. I kept smoking weed everyday for a year after that.

Finally I get a job at a gas station. One night while I was working, 4 cars drove off on me without paying (in canada you didn't have to pay before you pump). SO the next day I got fired.

I quickly land another insurance job after that though...but fuk I was making shiit money.

Now something you have to know about vancouver is that it is a drug dealer town. Pretty much everyone is a drug dealer cuz you got to have money to live in this city...(it has like one of the highest standards of living in the world right now)

So I was sick of being poor and I decided to start selling drugs. Most of my friends are drug dealers bty. That's how my buddy was able to take care of me for 3 months...

So I got out there and start picking up customers. One of my buddies helps me start out by letting me borrow "stuff" to sell. After about a month I get a pretty good line going and i'm making about 100-200 bucks a day only working like an hour a day. So it all goes fine for about 6 months and my business builds up, I'm makin money, all my buddies are making money, and we're all just having a shit load of fun. At this time i'm workin 7 days a week ( I hadn't built the business up enough to hire anyone yet).

Then one day I see her...(my current girlfriend) I met her at a club, she was my buddies gf's best friend. So we start going out and then out of no where she leaves me without even giving me a reason why. I get really depressed and start drinking and using cocaine everyday. This is when I get really messed up. Then one day Im at a party in a hotel and she shows up. She told me she didn't want to see me anymore because I was a drug dealer and I had no future. (she's a pretty smart girl goes to school and everything) I told her I will go back to school for her...So she agrees to start seeing me again.

So I throw away my business and start working for someone (doing the same thing) But now im only working 3 days a week and making about 300 bucks a day. So that would be enough to still have a good life style and go to school. But the problem is, school doesn't start until next year and during that time I start using cocaine again...and this time it's really bad. I used started using so much that I went paranoid like how that guy in Goodfellas went all paranoid. I swear I thought everyone single car on the road was following me. So eventually I quit that job, because I knew I would never stop using if I didn't get away from it.

Now I'm broke, living with my cousin...Great time to quit too because now I can't even find a fcking job. My friends won't help me out because I kind of fked up my relationships with them when i was high. I owe a shit load of money and my gf is taking care of me...

I FEEL LIKE SHIT....thanks for listening...any advice would be great...

 

[Toad]

Sorry for the bad grammar...I wrote this really fast.

 

[FacetiousPersona]

I am very sorry to hear this. Elements of my life have been similar and I empathize with you through this. It is possible for you to improve your current life conditions, but taking decisive actions will be required, I think.

As you have already experienced, time progresses rapidly, and it has no mercy upon anyone. You need to devote time and energy to the appropriate areas.

 

[Toad]

thankyou FacetiousPersona for your response. I am really trying to get back to school right now. But there seems to be so many obstacles in my way.

Thanks again

 

[FacetiousPersona]

Good, good. You are being respectful towards life itself and those around you. If you have people supporting you, you should demonstrate to them that you are interested in ceasing to be dependent on them via these types of actions.

 

[Toad]

Well my cousin and my gf understands what i'm going through...but I feel so bad sponging off of them for the past 2 months...I feel like I lost myself. I have never been this down before. It's not like I'm not looking for a job either. It's just this damn recession. There are barely any jobs available and the ones that are available to get taken up so quickly by somebody with a shitload more experience than me. I don't like to admit this, but I even tried filing for welfare...I had to throw away so much of my pride to do that.

I'm sure I can get back into school...but I to do that I need money to survive until I can get a student loan...I just really need money right now. I never thought I would ever be this broke...haha

 

[Jennywocky]

Rough situation to be in.

Sounds like you'd like to stick with your gf and make something more constructive work out, you just know it'll cost you... and right now you can't find work.

There's not a lot of practical options. Think logically: Since you need work, either you find work where you are at, or you go somewhere else to find it. Some people can acquire freelance work (basically working for someone elsewhere but without having to move from their current location) but it sounds like you don't have any applicable skillsets or resources in that area.

So it sounds like you're going to have to move, if you have no other options.

Meanwhile, you need to stay off the shit. No stigma attached to that, but that's what it did to your life... and it sounds like it's still a tempting situation because you're unsure about how to fix things, causing a lot of anxiety, and the drugs allow you to feel better momentarily and postpone making hard decisions.

Can you even move elsewhere, can you even safely get out of town? How much money do you owe?

I'd look into going elsewhere. You can ask your gf if she wants to go along with you, but really, the hole you're in -- if you are absolutely sure that you cannot find work where you are currently at -- means you're going to have to go to where the money is... money away from drugs.

 

[Razare]

Wow, I wouldn't know what to do with any one of those problems let alone all of them.

Give up any friendships with the drug crowd, give up drugs, get a job, ect. ect. Those are the textbook answers, it's not like doing all that is easy, practical, possible, or by telling you that means you can just happily do it.

About your your past jobs, you didn't enjoy them and that's understandable. I think there's something to be said for showing up regularly at a job you despise, it's what I do. I despise it and am working towards getting into a better job. But the job I'll be getting I'll probably despise too.

It's not in an INTP's nature to like most jobs out there, we will hate being forced to show up at a regular time, and doing something we find no interest in. What you do is grit your teeth and bear with it, it's part of being on this earth as a human. You work, you hate it, pay taxes and die. It's not the life any of us dreamed for, but it's the life we get to live. Having something else to live for makes it better and you show up for work because of those other things.

 

[ChristopherL]

I registered specifically to respond to this.

Look, the thing you need to work on more than anything else is repairing your relationship with your friends.
Lay it out to them like you have to a bunch of strangers, maybe you can salvage that.

You should also try to realise that quality of life is not defined by money despite what the popular culture says.
the things that are more valuable are your friends and your girl.

Repairing those will go a long way to making you feel better.

 

[Melkor]

Woah... Do I have to respond without being cynical?well... damn.. Hrm... My problems aren't half as bad, but when I feel like the bastard child of Orpheus and queen Victoria ( two excellent mopers) I find it excellent to take up a healthy distraction.. You know, reading, walking, pic-nics etc. Really helps, because then you can say ' Who cares if life sucks? I have - distraction X- to look forward to!' Then, you just have to sort your life out while in a better state to do so...

 

[mikal]

I don't know..Try not to let all go. There are things that can be saved, especially your relationships with friends. If they help you, that means they care. My friends looked out for me almost two years. So, two months is not so critical..

When I was down I came to the state of mind 'oh, whatever, I don't care (exams, friends, parents, going out of my room... I even refused to eat)'
Now, that was bad. but it was my way and I couldn't do it any different. And I don't feel bad because I needed so much time to get well. I even think that I somehow grew as a person while being down.

But here is something different. You are trying to make something constructive out of your situation.. And where is will, chance of success is bigger.

You'll survive, find job, go back to school.. You can do whatever you want
Man can be very weak, but still survive; it's probably in his nature not to give up. Even when he feels depressed as shit..

good luck

 

[Toad]

Wow...I didn't think my situation was that bad until i read your guys' post. I thought I was just being whiny lol.

Well you guys gave me some really good advice. I guess there is always going to be a silver lining.

Thanks for caring enough to respond guys. Makes me feel a lot better. I actually saw one of my old friends today when I went to eat. He told me the rest of my friends aren't doing that well right now either and we called some of them hung out for a bit.

I guess things will get better eventually...I just never had this much trouble finding a job before...it's really frustrating. The anxiety is killing my sleep.

Having something else to live for makes it better and you show up for work because of those other things.

I think this will help me out the most...because I feel that all the jobs I've ever had sucked like shiit. I can't stand having a boss. Especially when I feel that I'm smarter or more competent than he/she is...you guys probably know how that feels.

 

[echoplex]

Bummer.

What's good is that it seems that you have some loyal people in your corner. I know it may sound like a cliche, but there is always someone worse off than you. It's likely that where you live is not healthy for you. The atmosphere of drugs has proven itself to be a problem for you and the work situation is probably even worse. Then again, you did meet your gf there, so I guess something good came out of it.

 

[Toad]

If i really think about it...my drug problem started after she dumped me the first time around...but who knows if I would have tried it sooner or later anyway...

 

[mikal]

And what if she dumps you now? would you feel worse than the first time? or the same? would you be able to be by yourself, without any support, without her love?

 

[snowqueen]

Hi slyguy,

You've already had some excellent advice. There are couple more things I would suggest. Take some time to think about what you would like your life to be like when you have overcome your current problems. Try and do this in as much detail as possible - what might you be doing? What would your gf notice? etc. Notice what is going on in your life right now that is aligned to that future and do more of it.

The other thing may be helpful - when I stopped smoking - finally - I realised that I sort of had the idea that I 'needed' to smoke when I was stressed or whatever. So one of the things I did was every time I wanted a cigarette I asked myself 'what would a non-smoker do?' This reminded me that it was possible to cope with life without resorting to drugs and also made me look for alternatives so I gradually built up a whole new set of coping strategies.

Stick with it!! There must be good things about you that have made your gf stick with you - perhaps discuss those and write them down so you can refer to them when you're feeling down.

oh and btw - I spent most of the ages 19-22 stoned on dope and was addicted to speed for a summer - I didn't really get my life together till I was 30 and it wasn't till my mid 40s that I really felt confident in being an adult. You just gotta stick with moving forward even if sometimes it feeling like you're only inching forwards after going a mile backwards.

 

[Tyria]

I can't offer much advice but good luck with your situation. Don't give up.