ESFJ mother problems

[Dimensional Transition]

Just something I have to get off my chest.

My mother is a good person, really. But we're so different...
I'll give you some examples, which exist out of stuff that seems insignificant, but when you are confronted with them every day, it really becomes annoying.
When she puts stuff in the oven, she never puts it in the center. It's always randomly scattered around so everything is always a little unevenly burnt. This is a good example of how she seems to deal with everything. Careless, without knowledge. She doesn't think about how to do something the most efficient way.
Always when I'm in the same room with her, she doesn't just leave me alone, no, she always has something to bug me about. How my day at school was, what I'm going to do tomorrow, how I'm going to fix that one... thing... It's never an interesting conversation, just stupid unimportant shit I'm constantly trying to escape of... Not stuff I want to be reminded off all the time. And I know she's trying to 'be there for me' and seem interested in my life, but I really don't want that at all. I just want to be left alone most of the time.

I know her intentions are really not bad or anything, but over time it's just gotten to the point where as soon as I see her I'm already a little pissed off without reason.

Is there anything to do against this?

 

[Bird]

Re: Annoyed by ESFJ mother

Hm. I think you should learn to appreciate
your mother more. I do not think she is
behaving unreasonably. She asks you how
you are, she cares. This is something my
mother never does.

I am sorry she burns your dinners, though.

 

[Dimensional Transition]

Re: Annoyed by ESFJ mother

I know, that's how I feel too.
It makes me feel so guilty and sick and sad.

She's just trying to be a good mother but for some reason these little things just annoys me. I still love her but yeah... It has been like this ever since I was a little kid.

Am I a bad person for being like this? Is there anybody else with a similar experience?

 

[Trebuchet]

Re: Annoyed by ESFJ mother

I know, that's how I feel too.
It makes me feel so guilty and sick and sad.

She's just trying to be a good mother but for some reason these little things just annoys me. I still love her but yeah... It has been like this ever since I was a little kid.

Am I a bad person for being like this? Is there anybody else with a similar experience?

No, how could you be a bad person? You find some behaviors annoying, but you started with a clear assertion that you admire and love your mother, and even appreciate her attempts to be there for you. You considered her motives. You considered her needs.

There is nothing you can do to make her act more efficiently. However, I can tell you as my family's primary cook, cooking is a lot of work, and imperfections happen. If the burnt dinner or off-center placement bothers you, you can offer to take over some of the dinner preparation. You will learn a lot from it, bond more with your mother, and get more things done your way. Yes, it will cost you some free time, but it might be worth it. While preparing food together, you can use that time to talk about school or whatever, and her needs will be met. Helping her cook will also show you care. If she is cooking for your family, she is showing her love by doing so, and getting involved will return that love.

Tell her of your need for alone time. How much alone time you need differs by person. I like at least 2 hours/day, but I really need only 1 hour most of the time. You may have to experiment to figure out your own needs. Perhaps you could see if your mom will give you a set time every day to be alone. Maybe ask her for the first hour after school to unwind. That is a very normal thing for people getting home from work, so it won't even sound weird. Try explaining that introverts use alone time to recharge, just like extraverts use interaction to recharge, so the two of you can balance your needs.

All people who love each other find some things annoying. It doesn't take away from the love. It doesn't make you bad.

 

[Dimensional Transition]

Okay, good to know.
Well my father cooks most of the time, actually.
And besides, it's not like all her food is burnt either(she barely uses the oven anyways), it's just those little things... I guess. She's not some sort of horrible cook haha.
I actually do cook quite a bit, it's pretty fun.

Thanks!

 

[Hadoblado]

Re: Annoyed by ESFJ mother

I am sorry she burns your dinners, though.

I laughed so hard I almost cried.


Your mum is... difficult? I used to have similar problems, though not quite so bad (my mum is very reasonable, and I can tell her if anything she does is annoying). I don't know how old you are, but have you considered moving out? You still get to see your family whenever you want, and when you do you're always glad to see them, as opposed to irritated.

 

[Dimensional Transition]

Re: Annoyed by ESFJ mother

I laughed so hard I almost cried.


Your mum is... difficult? I used to have similar problems, though not quite so bad (my mum is very reasonable, and I can tell her if anything she does is annoying). I don't know how old you are, but have you considered moving out? You still get to see your family whenever you want, and when you do you're always glad to see them, as opposed to irritated.

Nah I magically make everything sound way more dramatic than it is on the internet for some reason.
But I'm 16 now, I think as soon as I'm 18 I'm going to move out. Not because I hate my parents or anything, I just really enjoy being independent.

 

[Jennywocky]

My mother is an ISFJ, but it's all kind of similar because she is 100% feeler, and obviously I am not that way.

She was an RN for her entire career (with the same hospital) and now does private home nursing in her retirement... but she scared me because she is so non-detail-oriented (in terms of seeing connections between details), she has almost no N as well... whereas I am very strong N.

So as long as she was trained to do something, she would remember exactly how to do it, but she could never change things as she went to adjust to changing circumstances... and if she tried, she just seemed to do illogical crazy crap. She would also fixate on irrelevant info.

For example, one year for Christmas after I was an adult, she got me a purple top. I was very happy with the purple top and told her as much, because "I don't have anything purple right now." Wouldn't you know it, but for the next six years, all she got me for Christmas was purple tops "because it was my favorite color." Arrrrggg! I finally got exasperated with her and said very bluntly -- since nice ways of saying it apparently did not get the point across -- that purple was NOT my favorite color, I did not need any more purple clothing, and I liked other colors as well. And so then it stopped.

My mother is also horrible with giving/following directions. My ex and I used to joke about it after spending a meal with her, because it was so extreme and thus very memorable. Here is an example of the dialog:

Mom: Well, you remember where that person lived?
Me: What person?
Mom: That guy, the one who worked with your father. At school. Mister...?
Me: <20 guesses, finally something clicks>
Mom: Yes, him. Well do you know where he lives?
Me: No. Which way do you go?
Mom: Well you take that road...
Me: That road running by your house?
Mom: yes, and you just go back aways to that next road?
Me: <guessing roads>
Mom: Yes, and turn on that road...
Me: Left or right?
Mom: Right. And then drive until you get to that store with the tree near it. That's where that girl you graduated from lived, you were in class with her...
Me: What class?
Mom: English
Me: What was her name? Or hair color? Was she in band with me?
Mom: Cindy. Sandy, I mean. That was her name.
Me: Oh, her. Did she live there?
Mom: Yes, that's where her parents live. They still live there. Her sister died a few years ago, she got cancer and went to <such and such a hospital> to see Dr. Williams. He's a really nice man. I see his wife sometimes. Anyway, you want to turn there....

Note: I am not exaggerating. I am not replacing her details with generalities. This is verbatim for our conversations. It was like playing 50 Questions with her, to render a simple set of directions... lol!

She can be meticulous with meds, as a nurse (thank goodness!); but very illogical elsewhere. My dad started work on the staircase once, it has plaster walls on both side and is enclosed. He never finished, and left large glops of spackle on the walls for a good 10+ years. My mom nagged him but he never finished it -- never even finished smoothing out the spackle. They finally got someone to put carpet on that staircase after a decade... and my mom must have been sick of the walls not being done, because she slopped paint all over the walls. Without sanding down the spackle first. And she used an oil-based paint, didn't lay down blankets first, and managed to get paint all over their new carpet. I was just like, "wth were you thinking?" (Needless to say, I did not get any Te/organizational skills from my parents, I had to learn them elsewhere on my own!)

In the end, I have a hard time connecting with my mother because she is so SFJ and I am NTP. I feel that I really understand where she is coming from (I used my N and my logic to get a very good sense of how she would respond and why), but she can't really figure me out at all. I think I really befuddle her, but she just loves me because I am her daughter. So usually if we talk, it's all about the details/chitchat of various people in our lives and what they are doing nowadays, etc. I can tell I lose her as soon as things become conceptual/abstract on ANY level. Disappointing.

But she's not a bad person, she just is who she is. And she really did sacrifice a lot / make sure I had all the basics of life growing up, and still tries to stay connected, even if she does not understand me. So I just try to accept her as-is, and laugh at the silly stuff.

 

[nexion]

I understand. :/

Not really much more to say... knowing that the behaviors annoy one beyond belief is one simple thing, but understanding the motives behind them in the person causes a huge internal conflict. This makes me feel like I need to get away from everyone I know even more.

 

[Citronelle]

I understand, my mother is ESFJ as well. Having an ESFJ mother can be really difficult, I think (for an INTP, that is).

Throughout my childhood she would randomly burst into irrational anger that she often took out on me, which resulted in me always being half-scared of her, even when she was being nice. Sometimes she would angrily threaten to leave because she felt we didn't appreciate her enough. I also often got irritated at how inconsistent her punishments were: sometimes she would follow through on them, more often she just forgot about them or never mentioned them; for example she would often punish me by saying I was restricted to 1 hour of computer time per day, but never actually followed through on this. Not that I wanted her to, but I just felt that she should either commit to a punishment or not issue one at all. Additionally, she was extremely religious, conservative, and closed-minded, and I had to pretend to be religious the entire time I lived with her.

Incidentally, one time she tried to punish me by putting a password protection on the Internet Explorer browser of the computer. Which I circumvented by using Mozilla instead, although I also a) guessed the password immediately as she always uses some variation of the same few words and b) could have easily disabled the password protection through the internet explorer interface. I actually found this kind of amusing.

Anyways, this stuff all made me very frustrated through most of my upbringing, although it's been much better since I moved out. I have always had very little in common with my mother. It's very difficult to look at the person who gave birth to and raised you and feel like you can't even begin to understand or connect with them, and vice versa. I still haven't figured out how to remedy this, or even whether that's possible.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

I understand, my mother is ESFJ as well. Having an ESFJ mother can be really difficult, I think (for an INTP, that is).

Throughout my childhood she would randomly burst into irrational anger that she often took out on me, which resulted in me always being half-scared of her, even when she was being nice. Sometimes she would angrily threaten to leave because she felt we didn't appreciate her enough. I also often got irritated at how inconsistent her punishments were: sometimes she would follow through on them, more often she just forgot about them or never mentioned them; for example she would often punish me by saying I was restricted to 1 hour of computer time per day, but never actually followed through on this. Not that I wanted her to, but I just felt that she should either commit to a punishment or not issue one at all. Additionally, she was extremely religious, conservative, and closed-minded, and I had to pretend to be religious the entire time I lived with her.

Yes! My biggest problem with my own ESFJ mother's parenting skills is the lack of hardened discipline. It was always some passive aggressive shit.

I completely identify with wanting consistent punishments, and I always noticed when it seemed like I was off the hook or something. I think that was some kind of passive-aggressive manipulation to keep you guessing.

Incidentally, one time she tried to punish me by putting a password protection on the Internet Explorer browser of the computer. Which I circumvented by using Mozilla instead, although I also a) guessed the password immediately as she always uses some variation of the same few words and b) could have easily disabled the password protection through the internet explorer interface. I actually found this kind of amusing.

My mom would do something like this. lol

Anyways, this stuff all made me very frustrated through most of my upbringing, although it's been much better since I moved out. I have always had very little in common with my mother. It's very difficult to look at the person who gave birth to and raised you and feel like you can't even begin to understand or connect with them, and vice versa. I still haven't figured out how to remedy this, or even whether that's possible.

I feel the same about my mom, dad and grandmother. ESFJ, ESTJ, ESFJ, respectively. I'm thinking, but it might be a while before I become the bigger man. I don't think I can come at them wholly until I have a sense of self-sufficiency - that dependency is what keeps good relations in these kinds of circumstances from being possible.

 

[A22]

I don't think this is about personality types. Both my mother and my little sister made the MBTI test and they are both ESFJs (My sister may be ESFP I can't remember). I constantly argue with them - as most people do - but they are the persons who understand me the best and who I get along with the best.

 

[deadcaribou]

I'm pretty sure my mom's ESFJ too. (Do ESFJ mothers tend to have INTP children???)
Love my mom, but we have very very little in common. I'm 32 and our relationship has always been very complicated; heated conflicts 75% of the time I see her (tried to punch me last time, almost succeded! Hopefully she's a featherweight). She suffers from chronic depression and bipolar disorder, to make things more easy.
I guess somehow she's proud of me (thinks I'm smart) but will never understand me. Maybe it's me not being able to understand her too one might argue

 

[xbox]

Just something I have to get off my chest.

My mother is a good person, really. But we're so different...
I'll give you some examples, which exist out of stuff that seems insignificant, but when you are confronted with them every day, it really becomes annoying.
When she puts stuff in the oven, she never puts it in the center. It's always randomly scattered around so everything is always a little unevenly burnt. This is a good example of how she seems to deal with everything. Careless, without knowledge. She doesn't think about how to do something the most efficient way.
Always when I'm in the same room with her, she doesn't just leave me alone, no, she always has something to bug me about. How my day at school was, what I'm going to do tomorrow, how I'm going to fix that one... thing... It's never an interesting conversation, just stupid unimportant shit I'm constantly trying to escape of... Not stuff I want to be reminded off all the time. And I know she's trying to 'be there for me' and seem interested in my life, but I really don't want that at all. I just want to be left alone most of the time.

I know her intentions are really not bad or anything, but over time it's just gotten to the point where as soon as I see her I'm already a little pissed off without reason.

Is there anything to do against this?

I too have an ESFJ mother.. I appreciate her, because she's the glue that keeps the house together. My relationship with my ENTJ father is disastrous, we rarely talk, and when we do he's either emotionally abusive, or like a business type of relationship.

My ESFJ mother is careless, forgetful, irrational at times, gossipy, talks a lot, always asking me questions about stuff I don't care about. It gets to me sometimes, but she is the nicest one in my life right now so I tend to put those things aside, I appreciate her and care so much for her.

Funny enough, my mom also tends to overcook things. Sometimes I just tell her tips, really nicely, because in the past, when I gave her advice in my usual cold monotonous tone, she took it offensively.

Since no one really does ask me about my life, she's the only one who does seem to care.. and I welcome it. The rest of the time, I'm just patient if she sort of bothers me when I want to be left alone. Or I just find an escape..

 

[xbox]

I just saved the fish from burning. No joke.

 

[digital angel]

Just something I have to get off my chest.

My mother is a good person, really. But we're so different...
I'll give you some examples, which exist out of stuff that seems insignificant, but when you are confronted with them every day, it really becomes annoying.
When she puts stuff in the oven, she never puts it in the center. It's always randomly scattered around so everything is always a little unevenly burnt. This is a good example of how she seems to deal with everything. Careless, without knowledge. She doesn't think about how to do something the most efficient way.
Always when I'm in the same room with her, she doesn't just leave me alone, no, she always has something to bug me about. How my day at school was, what I'm going to do tomorrow, how I'm going to fix that one... thing... It's never an interesting conversation, just stupid unimportant shit I'm constantly trying to escape of... Not stuff I want to be reminded off all the time. And I know she's trying to 'be there for me' and seem interested in my life, but I really don't want that at all. I just want to be left alone most of the time.

I know her intentions are really not bad or anything, but over time it's just gotten to the point where as soon as I see her I'm already a little pissed off without reason.

Is there anything to do against this?

I relate to wanting to escape. Most people on this forum can probably relate to what you're going through. Have you talked to her about all of this? Do you want to talk to her about all of this?

If it's any consolation, there will be a time in the future where you'll be on your own.

Here's a random question/thought. I think there've been similar threads before. Query whether all the mothers really are ESFJ or, are they trying to fulfill their role?

 

[Citronelle]

Yes! My biggest problem with my own ESFJ mother's parenting skills is the lack of hardened discipline. It was always some passive aggressive shit.

I completely identify with wanting consistent punishments, and I always noticed when it seemed like I was off the hook or something. I think that was some kind of passive-aggressive manipulation to keep you guessing.

Yes, exactly, passive aggressive is precisely how I would describe my mother's parenting style (and indeed, general approach to social interactions). It was incredibly frustrating! There was no such thing as 'conflict resolution' in my household because everything was dealt with passive-aggressively.

I feel the same about my mom, dad and grandmother. ESFJ, ESTJ, ESFJ, respectively. I'm thinking, but it might be a while before I become the bigger man. I don't think I can come at them wholly until I have a sense of self-sufficiency - that dependency is what keeps good relations in these kinds of circumstances from being possible.

Geez, I thought I had it bad with just an ESFJ mom, at least I had an IxxP dad and xNxP brother around to keep me from going crazy. That must be really difficult. I definitely agree that dependency is what keeps good relations possible in that kind of situation -it's so, so much easier to interact with someone when you're not dependent on them and your life is no longer affected in any major way by their whims, mood swings, and expectations of your behavior. But, although I don't dislike her, I still don't personally feel close to my mother at all or have any desire to interact with her unless I have to (although I feel this way about most people, to be honest). It's hard to grow up feeling alone in your household - you kind of have to figure out everything for yourself, because other people's truths can't even begin to apply to you. At least, that's what I've personally found. In any case, I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Kate]

I have an ESFJ mother and it was absolutely horrible living with her, but now that I moved out things are great. My mom is a good person as well its just that we are complete opposites in just about every way. If I debate or question something in conversation (something that I do frequently, its just natural) she takes it as a personal attack, or gets annoyed and calls me a know-it-all. Also she gets irrationally mad over little things and frequently directs that anger toward me or someone else that has little or nothing to do with the "problem". However one thing I found that helped with this is giving her emotional attention on a regular basis. When I did this it made her feel loved and that she was connected to me. Every morning before I went to school I would sit and talk with her for about 15-20 minutes about her life or my life and it was easy because she would lead the conversation. If I didn't discover this I don't know how I would have survived living with her lol.