Emotional Partners

[SpaceYeti]

I was just talking to my fiance, and I apparently worded something in a way that she thought I was blaming her for something. Even though I told her I wasn't, she was still upset.

What do you do about that? How do you make it better?

 

[Tyria]

Have you tried to apologize to her?

 

[SpaceYeti]

... Probably? I don't remember. Somehow, though, I don't think that would work anyhow, since she was still upset after I pointed out it was simple mis-communication. Would it?

 

[Galthian]

If she is PMSing. Don't bother, there is no hope.

If she is not...
1. Bring her to fancy dinner
2. ????
3. PROFIT!

 

[SpaceYeti]

1) Fancy dinners cost fancy money.
2) We're in different states.

 

[Tyria]

It might. What did she think you were blaming her for?

 

[SpaceYeti]

Not telling me something she didn't know.

 

[Tyria]

How upset is she? Will she listen to you?

 

[SpaceYeti]

She called me after I texted her asking, essentially, "WTH just happened?" after she suddenly logged off of google. She seemed to understand, but she was still upset. I don't understand that. If you understand the problem such that it's no longer a problem, what's the problem?

 

[Words]

What do you think is her type?

 

[Tyria]

The problem is that feelings are irrational. An emotional response won't always go away when a conflict is logically resolved.

Is she a sensitive person? How does she normally react to conflict?

 

[Galthian]

She called me after I texted her asking, essentially, "WTH just happened?" after she suddenly logged off of google. She seemed to understand, but she was still upset. I don't understand that. If you understand the problem such that it's no longer a problem, what's the problem?

She's still offended that your personality (or the words you used) did not "click" with her. She probably expects you and her to be in perfect sync. When she gets a wake up call that you aren't, it saddens her.

That's just my hypothesis! I don't know you / know what happened so hey Whoooo knows!?

Women.

 

[Galthian]

The problem is that feelings are irrational. An emotional response won't always go away when a conflict is logically resolved.

Is she a sensitive person? How does she normally react to conflict?

This too. We are attempting to rationalize emotion. Which makes sense to us, but unfortunately not to many others.

 

[SpaceYeti]

I believe she's an INFJ.

 

[Galthian]

I believe she's an INFJ.

INFJ
NFJ
FJ
F

 

[Alice?]

Chances are she's upset about something else that you just aren't picking up on and she's not telling you about. That's why she's still upset.
Giver her a little bit of space and be very kind, assure her that you're there for her and comfort her. When she's calmed down, ask her what's on her mind.
My two cents.

 

[SpaceYeti]

I doubt it. She wasn't upset before that.

Also, yeah, F. These Fs are strange people.

 

[Alice?]

I doubt it. She wasn't upset before that.

Also, yeah, F. These Fs are strange people.

How would you be able to tell, though? There could be something that was on her mind beforehand that was exacerbated by this current situation.
Or not, you could be right. But keep in mind, healing takes time and you can't expect things to automatically spring back to normal right after a conflict is solved. Perhaps she is especially emotional due to stress or fatigue and that's playing a part. There could be many variables contributing.
Like I mentioned previously, just give her time and comfort and be understanding.

 

[Minuend]

I doubt it. She wasn't upset before that.

Also, yeah, F. These Fs are strange people.

Aren't you an ENFJ or something?

Edit: Also, people are allowed to have emotional reactions even though they are not logical. Believe me, being on the other side of the fence is just as bad if not worse.

 

[SpaceYeti]

Aren't you an ENFJ or something?

Edit: Also, people are allowed to have emotional reactions even though they are not logical. Believe me, being on the other side of the fence is just as bad if not worse.

I'm an INTP, just a lot of the users here have decided I'm not. Perhaps because I have social skills, or admit philosophy is mostly masturbatory, or because when someone asks a question, I answer it instead of imagining something up which could answer it if things were different (they're not different). Perhaps the thread I made poking fun at our type offended people to the point they wanted to separate themselves from me as well as they could. I don't sincerely know, and it isn't very important that random jerks on the internet say I am or am not a certain personality type.

 

[SpaceYeti]

How would you be able to tell, though? There could be something that was on her mind beforehand that was exacerbated by this current situation.
Or not, you could be right. But keep in mind, healing takes time and you can't expect things to automatically spring back to normal right after a conflict is solved. Perhaps she is especially emotional due to stress or fatigue and that's playing a part. There could be many variables contributing.
Like I mentioned previously, just give her time and comfort and be understanding.

She did say she was tired, and she's always moody when she's hungry, and she's pretty stressed due to the fact she's trying to plan a wedding and she doesn't really like making decisions in the first place. Usually she explodes and then she apologizes after she calms down. I guess I was just wondering if anyone here had some insight that I was missing.

 

[cheese]

Sounds to me like the misunderstanding hit a nerve that you personally have hit many times before. When whatever-it-was-that-happened happened, it brought up a whole stream of other you-centred unpleasant memories/feelings/sensations, such that she went through it all again. So when this one was cleared up, there was still all the other gunk that's now floating through her head, even though it's not relevant this specific time. Plus it also reminded her how the relationship isn't perfect (basing this off Ni creepiness) and maybe she wants you to be more loving and smoochy or whatever, I don't know.

She could just be in a bad mood.

And maybe when she felt distanced because of hurt, you didn't cross the gap to bring her back with love and reassurance and whatnot. Basically the 'emotions linger' thing. Except it's not so much the original emotions lingering as the fact that not reassuring her after she's hurt could lead to her feeling hurt all over again.

If you sort of smother her for a bit, in whatever way's suitable, it'll all probably go away.

I don't know your fiance though. This is just based on general stuff I've observed. Anyway, if she has a tendency to be wounded, she's going to keep being wounded, over and over again, if you don't patch her up. Especially in stressful times. (Add the disclaimer again.)

Could be your tone of voice too. Maybe you sound rude/uncaring/cold. Content would be irrelevant, hence the hurt remaining even after the misunderstanding has cleared.

 

[cheese]

Oh, the distance as well. Add 3 extra units of love and care for every additional unit of distance apart. This will counter the additional and usually irrelevant pain felt at every minor problem. Add several more for every sacrifice made during this separation (eg making big decisions).

Maybe she wants you to play a bigger role in the wedding preparations? Wow, there are so many options.

*edit
Sorry, I don't really know anything and am just guessing.

Oh yeah, but while I'm here - does she tend to wall off? Because if so, there's definitely something going on under there that would probably do well to be gently pried out, at an appropriate time (not the right tactic with an NT type maybe; dunno). I really don't think emotions just stay on without any cause at all, even if the cause is self-inflicted (eg wallowing in bad memories). But if there's walling, that's an issue. Walling is bad and usually means she's not getting some need met but feels too distant/embarrassed/proud/hurt to say anything about it, so moves away even more. The sudden logging off is an eg. But she did answer and talk to you, so blah blah. Point is, it's usually best not to dismiss these things as 'mere emotions' (not saying that's what you're doing). This is all really basic probably. Sorry.