Easier time getting through hard things?

[Audentia]

I often wonder this about INTPs. On the one hand, they seem to be more emotionally resilient and self-sufficient when going through hard life changes, problems, things that would be emotionally distressing to most because they don't need that 'feeling/emotion' aspect fulfilled and comforted like other types.

In other words, if you were going through something emotionally upsetting, an INTPs first dependency would be on reason a logic and think your way through what is going on? As opposed to us more feeling types who need emotional nurturing and comfort from others in times like that?

On the other hand, emotions and feelings when they're strong can be more overwhelming for INTPs when they feel them. Does that create a need in them to go within themselves and close off the outside to get through and feel better?

What are your thoughts? This is confusing to me, since INFPs tend to need emotional comfort in times like that from others and even be emotionally needy (even though we have the 'I'), but INTPs seem to need to withdraw into themselves and be left alone completely to feel better.


Hope that made sense

 

[Cavallier]

In other words, if you were going through something emotionally upsetting, an INTPs first dependency would be on reason a logic and think your way through what is going on?

Defense Mechanism: *Imagine a horrified gasp here* You...you want me to be emotional? Can't we reason this out instead?!?!?

On the other hand, emotions and feelings when they're strong can be more overwhelming for INTPs when they feel them. Does that create a need in them to go within themselves and close off the outside to get through and feel better?

Yes. Absolutely.

INTPs seem to need to withdraw into themselves and be left alone completely to feel better.

Indeed. We do need to retreat but this retreat is usually fueled by our need to analyze our emotions. We have to recharge our depleted emotional batteries before we can even begin to think clearly again. If the causes of the stress are hanging around being irritating we can't think clearly. Often people want to *shudder* talk out their emotions with others. I want to sit calmly by myself and decide just how I feel and how I'm going to deal with that...I don't need people hanging around getting in my way. (I'm female and saying this. People seem to have trouble understanding this.)

So, we do actually need the feeling/emotion aspect fulfilled it's just that we usually decide to deny it because it's exhausting.

 

[Dormouse]

If I need to cry, it's not on anybody else's shoulder.

I have horrible reactions to grief, and mainly want to be left alone during such periods. People do not help.

 

[Shatokan]

Often in high school I had problems controlling my anger, when it got overwhelming i couldn't control it (punched a kid in the face my senior year because he got on my nerves so bad) until i found a way to control it, i was unable to retreat and have alone time as i was constantly surrounded by people that wanted to "talk it out". Until i was 17 i never realized i could control my anger by doing one thing, taking a 3 hour walk at 2 am. No one around, no reason to get angry, made it easy for me to control my anger. Until then i had been using music, but that is essentially just a dampener.
By taking time to myself i would analyze why i was angry and rationalize why i shouldn't be.
The only person really able to make me lose my temper anymore is my dad. Any time i had someone try to help me emotionally, i would just lash out(this goes back as far as my childhood). Tose times when my anger overrode my logic i ended up having to skip the rest of the school day to recuperate or I'd just lash out again. That's my answer.

 

[Audentia]

Re: Cavallier:

Thank you for the detailed and excellent answer, I really appreciate it. I can be difficult for me to understand sometimes.

Doesn't denying the need for emotional fulfillment then also lead to loneliness and or depression after a while?

This is really interesting and it sure it different from me. Being an INFP, I actually really need to get my emotions released to feel better, aka feel through them, not necessarily talking about them, but definitely need emotional comfort because feeling them sucks, but
I must. Thinking/analyzing about them can just make them worse.

 

[Shatokan]

I ended up spending December of '08 in my room in a deep depression, but i have found ways to feel my emotions. Otherwise, It's more i get lonely because i don't have many friends than it is that i don't really use my emotions.

 

[Trebuchet]

In other words, if you were going through something emotionally upsetting, an INTPs first dependency would be on reason a logic and think your way through what is going on? As opposed to us more feeling types who need emotional nurturing and comfort from others in times like that?

Absolutely, logic and reason are the first tools I use when facing difficulty. When they fail, I try applying them again, and again, and again, always baffled when I can't solve a problem that way.

On the other hand, emotions and feelings when they're strong can be more overwhelming for INTPs when they feel them. Does that create a need in them to go within themselves and close off the outside to get through and feel better?

I do go to my husband and friends for comfort when something really big has gone wrong, such as when I know I am in the wrong or have failed in something, or if I have been betrayed by someone, or if I suffered a personal loss.

I used to brood alone by preference, but that led to more and longer brooding. For big problems that can't be solved logically, I need help. Finding someone who can just listen and not be judgmental makes a big difference to getting past problems like that. The instinct to close off is there, but I fight it, or at least have people who will fight it for me. I am very lucky.

What are your thoughts? This is confusing to me, since INFPs tend to need emotional comfort in times like that from others and even be emotionally needy (even though we have the 'I'), but INTPs seem to need to withdraw into themselves and be left alone completely to feel better.

In many cases, if something is upsetting but not rocking my world, I do just go off to be by myself. This would include things like a bad day at work, frustration with other people, or missing an opportunity due to my own neglect. Maybe a long hot shower, a walk by myself, or just sitting on my bed doing puzzles for a few hours. Eventually, I emerge and then I am kind of embarrassed to have been so emotional. I don't want anyone to mention it, and I spend a while being defensive.

Minor problems usually don't merit much of an emotional response at all. These are the problems that can be solved logically. There's no need to be alone to solve those.

EDIT: Great answer, Cavallier. You summed it up nicely.

 

[Hawkeye]

I had a horrible experience last year.

I was being constantly blamed for things at work. I was getting shouted at for everything I did (including drawing smiley faces on my hands). Now I would understand if I was working somewhere that required you to be 100% professional and serious such as in the Air Traffic Control Tower on an airport but I'm not... I work behind a bar. If anything I am there to serve and 'entertain' the customers.

The customers never complained about my methods of working but my boss didn't like any of it.

Anyways, around June last year was when all this peaked and I ended up in the kitchen getting the usual bollocking (why he didn't just sack me I'll never know...) one of the customers/ex-employees overheard the 'conversation' and decided to join in. He once covered for my Boss whilst they went on holiday and he did an absolutely fantastic job. I actually enjoyed working there he was that good. But, yeah he comes into the kitchen and starts yelling at my boss telling that I'm his best worker and how pathetic he was being etc...

After all this happened things dramatically changed and my boss started being nice to me.


That guy went out of his way to stand up for me which no one has ever done for me before. It really hit home and so I planned on thanking him the next time I knew I was going to see him which would have been the following week. I thought about the incident all week and I was ready to say what I needed to say.

I arrive at the pub and the first thing my boss says is "Have you heard about 'Scud'? (the nickname of the guy who stood up for me). I said "no".

"He's died".

Those words broke me. At first my initial thoughts were of sheer shock. For some reason my brain refused to believe it was possible because I had planned to say something to him. I tried to attack it logically and it nearly caused me to have a mental breakdown. It took nearly a week for the emotions to kick in and the realisation that he was gone for good and I will never be able to thank him. For a long time this upset me deeply although I never spoke to anyone about how I felt. I bottled it all up and it began to affect my work.

It took me until October/November last year to snap out of that logic bomb.

It is the only thing that has every truly affected me for so long and I don't wish to experience it again.

 

[flow]

That's unbelievable. I can't even imagine attempting to cope with those circumstances, especially with an INTP mind. Heartbreaking, but still, one of the last things that guy ever did was stand up for you.. quite an honor, really.

 

[Ermine]

I often wonder this about INTPs. On the one hand, they seem to be more emotionally resilient and self-sufficient when going through hard life changes, problems, things that would be emotionally distressing to most because they don't need that 'feeling/emotion' aspect fulfilled and comforted like other types.

In other words, if you were going through something emotionally upsetting, an INTPs first dependency would be on reason a logic and think your way through what is going on? As opposed to us more feeling types who need emotional nurturing and comfort from others in times like that?

On the other hand, emotions and feelings when they're strong can be more overwhelming for INTPs when they feel them. Does that create a need in them to go within themselves and close off the outside to get through and feel better?

What are your thoughts? This is confusing to me, since INFPs tend to need emotional comfort in times like that from others and even be emotionally needy (even though we have the 'I'), but INTPs seem to need to withdraw into themselves and be left alone completely to feel better.


Hope that made sense

Yeah, logic is always my first line of defense. And generally speaking, it makes all the stereotypical "hard times" pretty simple. However, when that line of defense is broken, I do have a really hard time. The emotions come out all at once and cloud my thinking, which is scary. And then there's the issue of trying to make sense of the said emotions and getting back in control.

It also depends on the source of the trials. If its outward, I get over it pretty easy. An example of this would be when my grandpa died a few weeks ago. I loved him very much, and I cried a little the day of the funeral, but it wasn't hard for me at all. It was very easy to look at it in rational terms because the trial was external. In a nutshell, I just thought "Oh. He's gone now. I'm going to miss him. He was an awesome person. I hope my grandma and aunt (who lived with them) will be alright..."

In contrast, there was a lot of personal torment when I was having a very hard time finding a job. The issues were mainly internal because I felt I had no control over the situation, and I thought I was demanded to be an ESTJ all of a sudden, and I felt drained, useless, and inept. It was all I could do to work up the courage to talk to 5 managers a day about getting a job. And all of this effort was to no avail. This sense of hopelessness wore down and clouded the logic I would typically use to get through those trials. When that disintegrated into emotionally fueled circular logic, I was an emotional wreck.

And as for needing solitude in troubled times, I think it's mainly a trust issue. I don't really trust people with my emotions when I can't understand them very well myself. And I also need to recharge in order to have the energy to face my problems.

 

[binary_me]

...

What are your thoughts? This is confusing to me, since INFPs tend to need emotional comfort in times like that from others and even be emotionally needy (even though we have the 'I'), but INTPs seem to need to withdraw into themselves and be left alone completely to feel better.

...

I can only speak for myself but, in my case, being an older person and having experience a number of traumatic experiences in my lifetime, I'm possibly a little better equipped to deal with emotions (more mature Fe?) however, I'm not at all saying it's easy.

I think INTP's have feelings just like everyone else. We just process the emotions differently to other types. In my case, depending on the depth of feeling, I need both time and a lot of rational thought to come to terms with the nature of those feelings. It's not that I don't want to share my feelings with others. I do. It's more a case of not being able to adequately express those emotions without processing them first. I need to be able to verbalize (or write down) my feelings as part of the process of 'letting them out'. A big part of the problem is finding someone caring and patient enough to wait until I am ready/able to share. It also requires a great deal of trust (on my part). This process can take hours, days or even weeks...

I am very fortunate to have met and married a wonderful woman (INFJ) who has these qualities. It's not a perfect solution. I often choose to work through issues in my own way but its good to know I have the option of talking it out if/when I want/need to. It does still require considerable effort on my part to open up.

I have struggled with periods of depression and/or loneliness.... My wife is wiling and (generally) able to listen to my emotional issues but (understandably) isn't always willing, able or interested in hearing about every new "hair brain" idea I come up with....

So that's part of why I am here....

 

[warryer]

That's a powerful story Hawkeye, thank you for sharing. I'm sure you learned something important from this event?

By no means are traumatic events easy to get through. I think we have a faster recovery because we lock ourselves inside our heads and resolve.

There was an event in my life where I was on the very edge of collapse. I could see it all laid out in front of me. I am sure that had I reached my breaking point I would have had a mental collapse as Hawkeye described.

In this case, I switched into J-mode and took it step by step to get this resolved. I put my emotions on hold (so thankful that I have this ability). Only when I had this finished on the external side could I switch back and figure out what was going on inside.

It was like taking a trip down the rabbit hole. I lost a part of myself down there but, I also emerged with a new (better) outlook on life. I have no regrets.

I think traumatic events are a necessity. I also think its fair to say that everybody goes through it at least once.

 

[Audentia]

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and experiences, I really appreciate hearing about them so I can understand this better .

Often I wish I had more logic and reason to overpower my emotions, because when emotional triggers are really strong, emotions can just flood me like a freight train and only after they come pouring out can I logically reason with myself and close the flood gates. But I often have a short period of freak out first which is hard to control when a really distressing situation comes along.

I've gotten a lot better at it though. I think the hardest one is when I'm feeling very scared about something that is out of my control.. example of this would be: once when I had a really strong, scary side effects from an antibiotic I was put on and as scary as it was, there was nothing to do but wait it out. And freaking out doesn't help anything. But I still freaked out for a while.

 

[myexplodingcat]

My family has finally figured out that if I'm actually sitting in my room and crying, the last thing I want them to do is come and "be nice to me."

Usually, I either forget what I was crying about while thinking about some other issue or what I'm going to write the next impending research paper on, or I stop within a few minutes, tell myself that I can be pissed off with whoever the heck I like (crying only ever seems to come when someone has done something really stupid I have to pay the price for tenfold and I can't control it) in the comforts of my own room.

Then I evaluate what I can do to change the problem for about ten times as long as I spent being upset, and I think about the probable outcomes and whether they'd work, and by the end of that I'm halfway convinced that one of the methods I came up with will work eventually and I go and do something else.

Usually, if I'm upset, though, I'll just get really, really, really angry. Sometimes even angry at myself, because I haven't solved the problem yet. And while I know that this is irrational, I can't help it. That bugs me, because I can't explain it, no matter how hard I try. Therein lies one of the reasons that INTPs, myself included, hate emotion. *twitch*