Does anyone relate to this?

[Lockness]

Hello,

I just recently figured out that I fit into the INTP category, and I came across this forum searching for info on it. I just signed up and I'd love to learn about what other with this disposition have experienced in their lives.

It looks like some of what I've experienced and felt throughout my life is fairly typical for someone with this personality type, but I seem to be on some extreme end of the INTP spectrum or something. Weather this is because of my past experiences, genetics, parents dropping me on my head as a child etc....I'm not sure.

I'd been writing an essay to help me sort out some of the major issues that I've been dealing with for what seems like my whole life. I'd love to hear what others reactions are to what I've written. Showing this to my family or friends almost seems out of the question(at least at this point) since the little bits of it that I've tried to talk about were either completely misunderstood, trivialized, dismissed, or prompted a quick change of the subject.

Would it be cool if I attach a .pdf version of it to my next message or something? Would anyone be interested in this or am I being too forward even for an internet forum? Most of the time I just want to skip the small talk, and get right to the "good stuff" but this can come off weird to some......or everyone....but me.......What do ya think?

-L

P.S. Also, I apologize in advance if this is the wrong subject area.

 

[Lockness]

I'll try it this way.......
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I talk about the past because the problems of the present seem intertwined and connected with them. So many of the issues I deal with today seem rooted in my past. Some would probably so that I'm dwelling on them. I say that I've made many positive changes that have been directly connected to me digging deep into my past experiences. If I don't learn from the mistakes of the past, I'll just repeat them over and over again.

I liked to (and still do like to) spend a lot of time alone. I remember feeling that I knew so little and there was so much to learn but that I hated school. I would read everything I could find on whatever subject I was interested me........ I must have checked out all of the four dozen books on dinosaurs in the elementary school library and most of the books on astronomy in the kids wing of the public library.

The "real" world seemed so boring. It seem like other people poured most of there energy into surface level pseudo-problems instead the issues underlying them. of the important questions and issues of life. They spent a lot of time talking about nothing, and no time talking about anything. I remember sitting outside looking up at the stars wondering where everything came from, was it all a big accident or was god involved. Why are we so important if were are just a speck on an infinite beach why does anything I do matter? A sense of wonder then sometimes shadowed by overwhelming. All life seemed to be marching along unconcerned about any of these issues. My family sat inside.... and I sat outside under the stars....feeling less alone than I would with them.....I'm was incredibly absent minded and spacey and I could rarely keep interested in what going on around me.

I've been told that I live in my head too much, that I take myself too seriously, that I'm way too sensitive, that I should lighten up. That my explanations are convoluted and hard to follow, and that I'm I know-it all. The thing is that I'm know-it-all who feels like he doesn't know much of anything, that the issues of life are so complex and so beyond my ability to understand. I'm a know-it-all that is an agnostic; one who struggles weekly or even daily to try to fit what I see into a worldview that would have one who of starts his explanations with qualifications like "I don't know but.." or "I'm not sure but it seems like...."or " As I understand it..." To me it looks like I'm a million miles away from even having a rough working model to understand anything about life, but I come off like I know everything. Go figure.

To others it looks like I'm being contrary during certain discussions, but to me this is just a verbal expression of my way of thinking. When I'm thinking about something whether alone or with someone it's almost as if I "see" the abstract....pieces and parts.....trying to understand how the whole fits together with pieces do witch don't fit...how they can be rearranged in away in that makes sense, that makes the best sense of all the facts, that rearrange the pieces so that they are able to encompass all the (awkward wording) the reality.....that I'm trying to understand.......If I'm talking with someone about something and they begin to discuss an issue.....I can see the perspective they're describing and when I .........perhaps there is way for me to neutralize or at least tone down the impression.........I'm not vulnerable very often?........if I'm guarded and safe all the time but comment on others vulnerability it could give the appearance of me just commenting or even "heckling from the sidelines"? from the sidelines but not participating myself....looks like safe....my inferiority is giving the appearance of superiority...and this equals hostility in others over time....maybe...I haven't been able to figure it out yet.

It feels like I've been trying my whole life to "translate" my way of thinking to others....this translation process seems like it's a drag on my energy........ much harder than anyone else to explain the same thing....... to a point where I felt like I was completely inept at communicating anything. On top of this I was a shy, timid and extremely sensitive kid with almost no self-esteem to speak of. I spoke very little except when I was around very few people, and sometimes not even then.

I tried so hard for so long until to fit in, to like what I didn't like, to care about what I didn't care about. I was embarrassed about most of what I really liked and stopped talking about it. This went on for so long that it seemed mess with my judgement, after a while it seemed like I would draw a complete blank when someone even asked me what I was into. If you stop talking about something for long enough it starts to become less real even to you. It fads into half-existence; into a netherworld that seems only half real. Years later I was told by a psychologist that one of the things that was causing my depression was that I didn't even know how to tell what it was that I wanted anymore.

The first time I tried to kill myself I ended up in the hospital....with the doctor telling me that I was just immature..and was paying the consequences of my actions !?!? no kidding...what consequences did he think I was aiming for when swallowed every medication..........no one even asked me why I did it....................what seemed so bad that I wanted to die......nothing

The second time I ended up in a psychiatric wing.... mood disorder unit...for about a month...the people seemed more interested in actually helping than before........the physiatrics/ psychiatric nurses seemed to understand that depression was very painful and didn't trivialize it.......actually tried understand...provided some skills that would help comp in combination with medication and ECT therapy....but it still felt like I was a fish out of water and once I went back into the "real" world.....I still felt "wrong" underneath everything.

People would probably say that I shouldn't worry about "fitting in' in this way....that I should just be "myself".......but and friendships are supposed to be based on common interests and understandings. If I can't talk about my interests; if I can't talk about them in a way that is fulfilling to me.....what does it mean......I can't talk about life the way I want.......what else is left to base authentic friendships on.......they can talk about their concerns....but when I talk about mine.... I get strange or puzzled looks, awkward pauses, changed subjects.....inappropriate(from my perceptive) aggression........there have been times where I felt resentment.."I talk about your things but you won't even attempt to talk about mine...".friendships like that just seem to be draining....and not fulfilling......but what do I say to them......from their perspective they're actually trying really hard to get to know me....and they might even feel the same about me.........I'm a good listener but a lot of times I just don't have anything to say.......I'm horrible at small talk...even though I end stuck in that with some people......and ironically even though I hate it....how do I tell a friend who thinks we have developed a rapport......that even though that's true to some extant I don't feel like

Since my take on things are more complex.........when I try to talk about my interests........when I actually do open up and talk my feelings.....about things that hurt me..........when I explain my thoughts and feelings........when I talk about them in way that I need to....when I give a voice to the conflict in my head......To others long and complex talks about these things are only associated with making excuses or complaining............... because the times when they were complaining.........making excuses...........because we they talk about something that long and at that level of complexity it's at a time............over and over again when I'm doing nothing more than talking about an interest.......give example when you were talking about what to do with your art when with chris in car.............what looks like wonder and exploration of a subject to me......engenders aggression and sometimes even angry reactions from people....I talk about what I'm interested in and people don't like it. I'm always that one that says that thing that seems jam a wrench in the gears of the conversation that seem to run smoothly until I have an opinion about anything ......

.......someone was explaining something to me and I seemed to frustrate them because I wasn't understanding what they were saying. It frustrated him ........which in turn made me feel like they were being a jerk or superior to me.........later on I thought about how many times I had been on the other end of that conversation. I thought about about all the times that I was simply trying to explain myself when I sensed hostility for no apparent reason. Was I doing the same thing? Was he really being such a jerk to me. He was probably just explaining it the best way he could: and was obviously putting time and effort into it. So what was the problem? The problem was that I felt stupid; I felt stupid when I couldn't understand what he trying to teach me. I felt stupid and this immediately led to me connecting that with him being a jerk. He made me feel that way, so he did something wrong.........was it intentional....if not then my reaction seemed inappropriate....I had to tell myself that he didn't do anything wrong so........the same inappropriate reaction that I seemed to get from others fairly often........It seems like feeling stupid is a universally unadmitted or even unrecognized cause of a lot of our hostility toward one another.....I see people(other than me) getting called know-it-alls, or argumentative...or arrogant when a lot of time they're were only being equally opinionated to the person who is making that accusation.

I would never show or read this to most people I know or have met. I know they would read it as me thinking I'm "better" than them when I feel the exact opposite. I've felt weird, different, alone, and pathetic. I get told over and over again that my interests, my concerns, the books I like to read don't matter....don't count...that is even "wrong"....If people could Imagine what it feels like to be exited about something......to be so interested and absorbed then realize...time and time again...year after year....group after group that no one else seems to care.......The feeling of wonder and exploration....of being on the verge of understanding something new.....these feelings then followed by sadness and pain of...not being able to share it with anyone.....then loneliness..........the only way to go on is to mask these with anger...anger gives some energy..and some momentum to keep moving.....while the all the others seem to paralyze. There are problems with this....... my anger is going to come out somewhere...sometime......I usually find way to "vent" when I'm alone so it doesn't spill onto anyone else at inappropriate times.........
Other people are allowed to be open about when a friend or acquaintance does something they consider offensive.....but when I try to point out when someone is misrepresenting someone else's views, or is oversimplifying another's beliefs to make them easier to tear them apart, denying the possibility that another person is making a good point, that they're slandering or trashing someone in an inappropriate way, that they are ignoring common ground with another person..Their reactions seem out of proportion with my comments..........all of these violate principles that are important to me....some of them hurt me and make me angry and even cynical.........so of course I'm going to pipe up once and a while and speak my mind...........I'm actually very easy going and adapt very well to others.....but whenever I seem to have an opinion on anything I get in "trouble". I generally have no problem with people disagreeing with me....and in fact it's almost more interesting when someone has a lot to say about a subject from a different perspective. I do have problems with when people won't even interact with what I'm saying and start psychologizing me or telling why I believe something, "You're only saying that because[insert reason here]"...............People seem to often resort to wannabe psychoanalyses of others.....instead of interacting with the content and substance of what that person is saying. I think it's essential for us to be aware of our motives (or ulterior motives for that matter) for our opinions or believes; we can't ever be honest with ourselves of we aren't; but I also I think it's incredibly arrogant to presume to know what drives a person unless you know them very well. It seems very uncharitable, unkind and sort of a scummy "debating trick" to accuse someone of that immediately. So often we seem more concerned with winning arguments than understanding what someone really thinks and why they think it, what they're really saying what picture there trying to paint...................in intellectual pursuits and in "real" life with other people........ It really hurts when this done to me and bothers me when I see it happen to others. Consequently even though I'm good at presenting an argument, I dislike the "atmosphere" of adversarial aggression that seems to ensue.......I wish I could talk with people about these things without it being dragged in the mud. It hard when you try to talk about your interests and others seem to make it into some sort of controversy. In spite of my pretensions about being so.....rational......I'm extremely sensitive and I seem be hurt very easily. Also I tend to over-empathize with everyone and get hurt very easily even when it is someone else getting..."trashed".
I don't seem to have any conception of my standing with other people. People with whom I believe I have a rapport with will abruptly end our important conversations to do something that seems trivial to me.. I told my closest friend that I didn't feel like I fit at all in the group of people we room with and he thought that I fit in just as well as anyone else.....so the persona I put on seems to work a lot better than I'm aware of.......
I try to always remember that every person is a walking talking universe of thoughts beliefs....feelings.....experiences...struggles....hopes......... now matter how normal or weird, conventional or eccentric someone is they are a person.......who deserves to be listened to...I just don't feel like I get this consideration from others most of the time.
Solitude doesn't bother me that much. Some of the times when I was happiest as well as the saddest were when I was in solitude. When I'm around others is when I can't seem to be me.....I forget who I am....It hellish to never really seem to connect with anyone........the only small comfort seems to come from isolating myself and reading/thinking about things that no one else is interested....in ways that no one else is interested in.......I know that my vision may be skewed right now because of depression.............but most of the time I would rather be alone, than have to be so lonely.

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-L

 

[RubberDucky451]

Whew, that was quite the read. I noticed a whole bunch of INTP traits in your writing that i also posses.

People are shallow, it's really sad. I wish we could all take a step back from our firmly held beliefs about religion and politics and discover the motive behind them.

 

[asdfasdfasdfsdf]

im very sorry, but i am very tired, and will not be reading all of this tonight...
however, i am interested, and will read so sometime soon when i am not so boggled down.
however... quick mention:
haha, i see you use a lot of ...'s me too. i dont think that is an intp thing though, as i think before you i was really the only one to do so.

you mentioned that writing you problems might seem a little bit weird.. even for a forum.
well.. all of us are really weird.. even for the forum type.
i would say most intps enjoy problem solving (and some would enjoy advising), so i think they wouldnt mind looking at least a little into your issues and trying to help.

'til i can get both the time and drive,
snik.

 

[Ermine]

Yep. You definitely fit in here. It may not be much to know that some people on a forum can relate, but I definitely relate. I used to be in your situation and still am, to a lesser extent. My entire life has been dedicated to different methods of trying to translate my deepest thoughts into simpler terms, such as art, music, writing, speaking, etc.

I know very little about you beyond your inner thought processes, but here's what I'm getting from what you wrote. There's apparent frustration that they don't understand you and are inexplicably hostile when you try to "discuss" things, and that people don't care about the things you care about. I used to have that issue all the time. I think the root of all the issues you mentioned are perceptions (of yourself and others) and compromise.

Perception: A lot of the problems you mentioned seem to come back to this. For example, when you're trying to discuss something with someone and they get defensive and hostile, a lot of this would be solved if you knew exactly what was triggering that reaction. Chances are it's not the words you said, but the way you said it. It's all too easy to get absorbed in what you're thinking and feeling, but what about the person on the other end? Perhaps they feel inferior because you're discussing an obscure field they know little about. Perhaps you're a little confrontational? I'm really just throwing things out there, but it's very important to perceive your actions and their actions in real time. Then you can know what to change next time, or what you're doing well. I've found that the MBTI is very helpful in doing just that. Of course, every individual is unique, but having 16 broad possibilities for a person's tendencies makes it much easier to figure out what makes people tick, and what makes them more likely to listen and appreciate you. It's also great for introspection, so you are more conscious of your own tendencies and exactly what you want and need. I've known about the MBTI for 2 years now and it's been very helpful in getting to know myself and be more considerate of others.

Compromise: **I'm not asking you to compromise what you value or are interested in, but I think a little give and take could be helpful. In your entire post, you were talking about how people don't appreciate anything you have to say or anything you're interested in. Regardless of how inconsiderate that is of them, I'd like to turn this situation around and ask: Do you appreciate anything they have to say? I ask this because as a general rule, if you don't care about others, they won't care about you. I totally understand that so many people talk about the most mundane, boring things, but there's always something to appreciate. I try to look at people as puzzles to decode. Perhaps there's something interesting beneath the small talk. Even if I'm bored to tears, I still smile and nod, and try to prompt them to say something more unique. Eventually, the uniqueness shows through, and there is plenty to appreciate. And when people feel appreciated, they will appreciate something about you.

I also wanted to discuss some MBTI in relation to your situation. Your whole post seemed to be exuding Introverted Thinking. This is a given, as you are an INTP. However, I'm detecting a lot of circular logic. ex) I want to share what I have to say. > They don't care about what I have to say. > I get frustrated > they get frustrated > therefore I'm frustrated....etc

When this happens, I take it as a sign that I need to step away from the situation and think of something else. It's tempting, I know, but it needs to be left alone for a while. Put it on the figurative back burner and think about something else.

Another thing I wanted to say was that it's very helpful to develop your extroverted functions: auxiliary Extroverted Intuition and inferior Extroverted Feeling. According to the MBTI, these are the main part of ourselves we project to the outside world. I won't go into the details of these functions here as they're all over this forum, and elsewhere on the internet. But personally, developing my Ne has been really helpful. It's essentially the playful, creative side of my personality, and I have made it my primary social persona. This tends to go over better with people than the Ti, since it's hard to translate the Ti into simple terms whereas the Ne doesn't need to be translated nearly as much.

Wow... I probably rambled a bit in there. Hope that helps, and welcome to the forum.

 

[Lockness]

RubberDucky451

Whew, that was quite the read. I noticed a whole bunch of INTP traits in your writing that i also posses.

Yeah, I kind of exploded some of my pent up frustration onto this poor forum...A little overboard.... I'll have to make mental note to NOT post long rants late at night

Any-who thanks for wading through that and for your observations.

im very sorry, but i am very tired, and will not be reading all of this tonight...
however, i am interested, and will read so sometime soon when i am not so boggled down.
however... quick mention:
haha, i see you use a lot of ...'s me too. i dont think that is an intp thing though, as i think before you i was really the only one to do so.

you mentioned that writing you problems might seem a little bit weird.. even for a forum.
well.. all of us are really weird.. even for the forum type.
i would say most intps enjoy problem solving (and some would enjoy advising), so i think they wouldnt mind looking at least a little into your issues and trying to help.

'til i can get both the time and drive,
snik.

Thanks for your input. Any random comments from people would people cool. I certainly don't expect people to write that much back. It's actually comforting to know that some people can relate to any of what I wrote.

 

[snowqueen]

I did read all the way through and a lot of what you wrote resonated strongly with me. I've never wanted to kill myself though I have experienced deep and crushing despair. I wonder what you are looking for in writing this stuff - what are you hoping will happen - how will you know that whatever are doing has 'worked'? I am genuinely curious in your answer.

 

[warryer]

Yes, yes and a third time yes. You have put into writing my thoughts.

I am going to make an assumption that you are either in highschool or college? At this age (I'm in college) I don't think people have had much of a chance to mature or really understand just what the real world is all about. I am really holding out on the belief that as we get settled into our jobs (professional life) people will stop giving a damn about what "stuff" you like or don't like. (Oh he doesn't like football he must be gay etc etc)

I think the problem is that "people" arent willing to be their own person so they use the group norms as their own. Judgement is applied to those that aren't like the rest.

 

[Adamastor]

I (almost) read it all

I relate to quite a bit of the things you wrote (or so I think lol).

The "real" world seemed so boring. It seem like other people poured most of there energy into surface level pseudo-problems instead the issues underlying them. of the important questions and issues of life. They spent a lot of time talking about nothing, and no time talking about anything.

I learned this early.
I always liked asking questions about everything. Since my fellow colleagues (what a funny way to put it) seemed so dull, I often "talked" with adults. It was really disappointing to learn that my father, family, the adults in general around me, could not answer my questions. I asked to the point where things seemed rather dangerous, rather where they started ignoring me, giving me empty answers, so I stopped asking.
(Maybe I interpreted the text wrong?)

I've been told that I live in my head too much, that I take myself too seriously, that I'm way too sensitive, that I should lighten up. That my explanations are convoluted and hard to follow, and that I'm I know-it all.

Truth be told, I don't really remember if people bugged me with these type of things. Maybe, because most people simply didn't approach me, nor I approached them (I never did, I wouldn't know how to). Even if they did, I wouldn't know how to maintain a "normal" conversation.

This happens often now though, people say I am hard to approach that my expression is scary or silly things of the kind, but apparently I am lightening up (urrraaay)

I tried so hard for so long until to fit in, to like what I didn't like, to care about what I didn't care about. I was embarrassed about most of what I really liked and stopped talking about it. This went on for so long that it seemed mess with my judgement, after a while it seemed like I would draw a complete blank when someone even asked me what I was into.

This is the most important point I think. I have never tried to "fit", I always avoided conflict and that was all.

I enjoyed spending time alone, doing nothing, thinking. Never had many friends, never met with anyone outside school and things like that (there is only one exception).

I am still trying to understood the need for other people, earlier, in my childhood, I've never even thought about it. My life was "my life in school" + "my house", in my house I was every time with my brother or my sister and most of the time I spent playing games, if this was not appealing enough (it was most of time, because I am REALLY competitive) I would try another things.

Another difference, seems to be you tried many times to open to others, right? Well, my best friend, I've know since first grade and he always says: "[my_name] and I never talk about anything (personal) at all, he never says anything.", our relationship was basically the common interest in eccentric things, in games and competing in everything like chess, solving puzzles or anything. It was enough I guess, though he is way better than me in socializing I always had the feeling that he was lonier than I was (due to family issues, especially).

I guess I was quite happy with my life.

 

[Kuu]

*tired half-smile-half-frown of understanding*

I relate to pretty much everything you wrote, Lockness. Thank you for your effort in putting all of this into words, no matter how awkward... some of us just can't even start to do it. I wish I had more to write but... you pretty much covered it all. I have no solutions or clarifying wisdom, I still struggle with all these issues myself... perhaps for my entire life...

Welcome. I look forward to reading your posts and discussing with you. Hopefully you will find this place to be accepting and stimulating to your interests and points of view... some say it's therapeutic to be here...

Yeah, I kind of exploded some of my pent up frustration onto this poor forum...A little overboard.... I'll have to make mental note to NOT post long rants late at night

Noooo we need more good rants in the shout club / depression club! They're great places to vent... and we love long rants (as long as they're separated in readable chunks)

My entire life has been dedicated to different methods of trying to translate my deepest thoughts into simpler terms, such as art, music, writing, speaking, etc.

Big nod to that, Ermine.

haha, i see you use a lot of ...'s me too. i dont think that is an intp thing though, as i think before you i was really the only one to do so.

.... You... are not......... alone....

 

[Lockness]

Wow... I probably rambled a bit in there. Hope that helps, and welcome to the forum.

Hey Ermine,
I just typed up a long response interacting with a lot your post...and when I went to hit post my browser froze and I lost it all......the short version is I thought a lot of your observations were correct....and that the MBTI info is something I could dig into to get ideas...the points about my perception vs others, about taking a step back are all really helpful.I just don't have the patience to retype the whole thing just yet...thank you for talking the time to go through all of that.

I did read all the way through and a lot of what you wrote resonated strongly with me. I've never wanted to kill myself though I have experienced deep and crushing despair. I wonder what you are looking for in writing this stuff - what are you hoping will happen - how will you know that whatever are doing has 'worked'? I am genuinely curious in your answer.

Hello Snowqueen,

My thoughts were that writing this out in and of itself would help me see it all, in a different light (kinesthetic learning?) In one part of my response to Ermine that was lost forever..ugh....I went into how I feel like I have a lot of built up resentment from being a shapeshifter in social situations... "I always tried to like your things but you never even attempted to like mine,"...that kinda thing. What I wrote now looks almost entirely like me venting that resentment...getting it out on paper so to speak.

It seems like this could be a form of self-therapy. I've gotten a few tips and tricks from psychologists but over all, I felt when I wanted to talk about things that had hurt me and figure out how to make it better.... they seemed dismissive..or seemed to jump to conclusions about me (note-not just negative ones that I didn't "like", but more like they were making sweeping generalizations about me.....about someone they didn't know yet)

The last one I saw did seem to be very good active listener and gave me some good constructive criticisms..I felt really good about it. We would met and talk and he had commented that I was "progressing rapidly" and how he thought our sessions were always very "spirited"and productive. Then he said that after a certain point he couldn't help me anymore....I didn't actually say it to him but I thought....umm why? am I too messed up to help? are my issues outside you're area of expertise?.... I finally found someone who was empathetic, a good listener, actually seemed to understand what I was getting at, gave constructive criticism, all around seemed to know what he was doing.......and then it seems to stall after only a few months?...this may just be my ego talking.....but it almost seems like I burned through his "bag of tricks" in just four or five months. Nothing against him..... but it still kind of leaves me wondering what to do in my situation.

So...I tried to start writing about my problems thinking it might help somehow. If I see my thoughts "on paper" I seem to be able to be a little more honest and self critical.

To answer your question I'm not sure how or when I'll know if it has "worked". I know that I feel a little better and clearer than before I started writing it so...that's progress...a one step at a time kinda deal.

 

[Lockness]

Yes, yes and a third time yes. You have put into writing my thoughts.

Your thoughts are complex, scattershot, interwoven and rambling too? Excellent...I'm not the only one.

I am going to make an assumption that you are either in highschool or college? At this age (I'm in college) I don't think people have had much of a chance to mature or really understand just what the real world is all about. I am really holding out on the belief that as we get settled into our jobs (professional life) people will stop giving a damn about what "stuff" you like or don't like. (Oh he doesn't like football he must be gay etc etc)

I'm "college aged" (mid twenties) I guess. I left school a couple years ago.....was going through depression, issues with my family, and a major existential crisis(or a de-conversion if you will) so......but to the point I totally heard that kind of crap in highschool, it's liberating to have at least that behind me for now. I've moved to a more liberal/ counterculturish(not really a word but...) city so that helps..a little.

I always liked asking questions about everything. Since my fellow colleagues (what a funny way to put it) seemed so dull, I often "talked" with adults. It was really disappointing to learn that my father, family, the adults in general around me, could not answer my questions. I asked to the point where things seemed rather dangerous, rather where they started ignoring me, giving me empty answers, so I stopped asking.

Heya Adamaster: This sounds familiar to me...inquisitiveness met with non-answers or even aggression. Why can't some just say.."That's a good question, but I'm not sure," or "I don't know but I you could do this to figure that out"....tis a mystery to me.

Another difference, seems to be you tried many times to open to others, right? Well, my best friend, I've know since first grade and he always says: "[my_name] and I never talk about anything (personal) at all, he never says anything.", our relationship was basically the common interest in eccentric things, in games and competing in everything like chess, solving puzzles or anything. It was enough I guess, though he is way better than me in socializing I always had the feeling that he was lonier than I was (due to family issues, especially).

I guess I was quite happy with my life.

Yeah I tried to open up...but I was extremely sensitive and could pick-up every weird look, sneer, rolled eye, change in tone...and the more obviously overt forms of these. I noticed quickly that people reacted differently to me. I can remember this as far back to third grade or so. I did a lot of the same things as kid that you listed, and the friends who never talk about anything personal thing applied to at least one friendship with me as well.

If you don't mind me asking, you mentioned that you were happy with life, is this only in the past tense?

*tired half-smile-half-frown of understanding*

I relate to pretty much everything you wrote, Lockness. Thank you for your effort in putting all of this into words, no matter how awkward... some of us just can't even start to do it. I wish I had more to write but... you pretty much covered it all. I have no solutions or clarifying wisdom, I still struggle with all these issues myself... perhaps for my entire life...

Welcome. I look forward to reading your posts and discussing with you. Hopefully you will find this place to be accepting and stimulating to your interests and points of view... some say it's therapeutic to be here...

Kuu: It's cool to hear that others relate to this....I only know one INTP in "real" life...and strangely enough, even though he seems like a nice guy...he kinda of bugs me a little....he doesn't seem to have many of the peculiarities that I understand as being common to this type....no apparent excitement for big ideas, likes meaningless, mundane chit-chat waaaay too much.........I have no idea what to think of that, but... It's sounds like the people here are more on the same wavelength.

Thanks for the welcome, and encouragement, I look forward to hearing from you as well.

-L

 

[Adamastor]

Sorry, for taking so long to answer...

The answer is quite simple, but for some odd reason I am quite apreenhsive to post it. (to me)It looks simple, but I feel that the happiness of my own life is somewhat a delicate topic, I always have the impression of sounding hypocritic to myself whenever I think about it.

Well, in this context I suppose that looking from now I am quite contented with my life in the past, but there it wasn't like that I was mostly bored with it and I suppose I suffered like most children do with silly things. And this continues until now, if this situation you would call happiness, I guess I am happy with it. I could promptly list many things that would improve it, but I can live with it the way it is now

PS: I really cant take out of my sight the feeling of lying to myself =/

 

[LAM]

Wow. Probably how I would be if I wasn't so weird (kind of like a different person/mindset at different times in the day.) I seem to lose my introspective capabilities sometimes and then I just say what comes up to the very top of my consciousness. It feels weird. As if i can only see like 5-10% of myself at times...Maybe when I switch over to my introspective mindset I would be of more help.

 

[Lockness]

Sorry, for taking so long to answer... =/

No problem, this is kind of a sensitive topic for me as well, so the hesitation makes sense.
If you don't mind me saying this sounds a lot like me in a way. I've often wondered if I'm able to get through a lot of what I've struggled through my whole life will still be to afraid to be happy. I'm so used to scanning the horizon to anticipate the next issue, the next blow, the next struggle....will I actually feel...uncomfortable being happy.......anyway....thank you for your thoughts.

 

[Geminii]

I felt this way pretty much for a couple of decades. I didn't find a group I could really talk with until I attended a SF convention and sat in on some discussions. I didn't find anyone I could actually metaconcert with until I ran across a small, local group of conceptualisers and engineers - and that completely turned me on my head.

It took a damn long time to find people I could just BE with, but I'm glad I waited it out.

 

[FrostFern]

You're definitely not alone!

Though I don't have the energy to reply in depth right at the moment I'm very interested in what you have to say. In fact I feel like I could have written what you wrote, word for word, down to the letter. I'm also struggling with some pretty serious depression at this juncture in my life.

Hopefully I'll get back to you soon when I'm feeling more in the writing mood. My thoughts are often so vast and non-linear / branching that translating them into words is pretty daunting for me.