Does anyone else get impatient with small talk and try to 'jump' to the good part of conversation?

[Nezumi]

My mother and most other people in my life get mad at me for being tactless. And one of the worst offenders is my tendency to skip 'small talk' conversation. I don't want to build up to interesting stuff.
Why should I have too? Talking about genetics or human social patterns is far better then their 2rd graders dance recital. They should be complimented that I'm more interested in their brain then their daughter anyway. Brains are sexy.

So I guess my questions are,

Why do most people use small talk?
Does it have a purpose? (Because it seems like the only socially acceptable answer for 'How are you?' is 'Fine/good'. In which case it's unnecessary as I gain no new information from it.)
Do you also tend to jump to the interesting stuff?
Or make abrupt questions that change the flow of conversation because you became interested in something else?

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

I voted yes because I have to. Not just for work but to get along in the small, rather isolated community I live in. I don't want to and often enough forget and just go straight to what I wanted to talk to someone about but I try not to do that. If I lived in a different community (read larger) I wouldn't small talk most of the time.

 

[just george]

you mean when Im trying to pick up chicks? uh, yes. me and every other XY chromosome out there, I think

 

[Nick]

One of 'our' traits is a more laconic manner of speaking and directness.

Why chit-chat, I understand it, but I've never... understood it.

 

[Nezumi]

you mean when Im trying to pick up chicks? uh, yes. me and every other XY chromosome out there, I think

Nope. I mean when you meet a cool person that you know clones rabbits for a living or something else equally as awesome....and they want to talk to you about their dog.

 

[just george]

Nope. I mean when you meet a cool person that you know clones rabbits for a living or something else equally as awesome....and they want to talk to you about their dog.

I wonder about INTPs sometimes. Cloning a species that has nooooo problem cloning itself is awesome?

 

[Matt3737]

Sometimes people just need to be listened to and to have the social interaction.

As you get older, you'll find yourself talking about the same things you've already talked about and telling the same stories you've already told before. I like to think of the reason for small talk as not about what is being said, but simply to hear the sound of another's voice and share in the social interaction.

I also think there is an implicit respect for boundaries being drawn subtextually and trying to control discussion can come across as being rude. I think knowing how to express your interests and knowing who shares or does not share those interests are important in this regard (you can't discuss sports with someone who has no interest in sports).

 

[Tony3d]

Not learning how to master small talk is illogical, and I can't see how any INTP wouldn't want that strategic advantage in life.

Small talk in a sensor's game in my opinion, but external intuiters are simply better at it once they finally learn.

The way I look at it, the goal is not to have some sort of content driven conversation that you deeply care about, but just to have fun talking and interacting with another person. Just make someone smile or laugh and stop being so stuck up that you think you are too good to talk to them about things that are not interesting to you.

My whole life, if I were to talk with my Ti I would always feel like I was talking over everyones heads. It took me ages and ages to finally develope my Ne to the point where I can just shut off my Ti and be social with people.

The simple fact is, haveing fun and content free conversations where you make someone laugh and/or feel good about themselves will open doors for better things down the road.

 

[Puffy]

I engage in small talk, and enjoy it (in reasonable sized chunks) depending on what we classify as small talk. The majority of the time I'm with friends we're joking around, playing video games, watching films, etc. and there are serious/ intellectual/ emotional or venting moments between them, but it's often intended in a playful/ creative way or eventually returns to that kind of tone.

I relate in that I need to know that intellectual/ emotional/ creative possibility is there to feel recognised, but I have friends where those aspects aren't there and it's just a different kind of relationship.

The impression I get is that most classify small talk as 'how's the weather' etc. But honestly, I'm not sure everyone who is not an INTP stands around like 'how are you?' 'fine' 'how's the weather' 'grey.' I'd maybe distinguish small talk as a certain kind of experience, where you're just passing the time/ not really engaged (which, as a fellow introvert, I find frustrating). As if the above is all that two people talk about and they find it stimulating, it seems unfair to designate their talk as small talk as if it's inferior to other kinds of talking. Just can't relate is all.

 

[Nezumi]

Not learning how to master small talk is illogical, and I can't see how any INTP wouldn't want that strategic advantage in life.

Small talk in a sensor's game in my opinion, but external intuiters are simply better at it once they finally learn.

The way I look at it, the goal is not to have some sort of content driven conversation that you deeply care about, but just to have fun talking and interacting with another person. Just make someone smile or laugh and stop being so stuck up that you think you are too good to talk to them about things that are not interesting to you.

My whole life, if I were to talk with my Ti I would always feel like I was talking over everyones heads. It took me ages and ages to finally develope my Ne to the point where I can just shut off my Ti and be social with people.

The simple fact is, haveing fun and content free conversations where you make someone laugh and/or feel good about themselves will open doors for better things down the road.

Its not about feeling to good to talk to them. I love meeting people and learning from them. I genuinely want to know about them.

I do know how to have small talk, and I'm good at faking it for my job. But I don't understand it. Or how to deal with it when emotional based subjects are brought up. anyone mentioning a recent death of a pet or family member is by far the worst. It leaves me in an state of confusion. I've had pets die, but the things that helped me through were all very rational, analyzing type thoughts. I know this is not what grieving people want to hear. And I feel like I'm lying if I pretend to be sad. But apathy, or being too quiet seems to be frowned upon too.

 

[EditorOne]

I have been told, and it seems plausible, that small talk, especially the 'gossip' variety, is the human equivalent of monkeys picking fleas off each other: It fosters group bonding. There is not much of direct value in the information, it's the sharing that matters.

I like the visual of the monkeys.

I call it nattering. Watch closely when others do it and you may see nobody is really paying attention to what anyone else is saying, at least until you get to the salacious stuff.

 

[Jennywocky]

Why do most people use small talk?

　
This is a revealing question, in the sense that as "utilitarians" INT's will "use" small talk, but other types are more liable to be LIVING in small talk. For example, my ISFJ mother thinks in terms of small talk; it is not a TOOL to her to use, it is her framework that she lives in... whereas what is natural for me is a tool she would need to develop.
　

Does it have a purpose? (Because it seems like the only socially acceptable answer for 'How are you?' is 'Fine/good'. In which case it's unnecessary as I gain no new information from it.)

　
I tend to think of "small talk" more as nattering about mundane events without a need to connect them to something larger -- i.e., examining the pebbles and grains of sand on the beach without need to talk about the beach or connect the grains. My mother, again, is really good at this. I used to be very bored by it; now I can for periods of time find the information interesting -- I get caught up on how everyone is and what they are doing with themselves. It also helps me feel closer to my mom, simply because we're talking and I can hear what she thinks is important. And I know sharing "details" helps her feel that I think she is important.
　
What you describe here seems to be more like social pleasantries that act as cues that identify you as either a participant or an outsider. When someone says, "How are you?" they are in essence saying, "Hey, I acknowledge your existence and express my positive intent toward you," and when you say, "Fine," you are saying, "Hey I acknowledge you back and also express positive intent toward you." A simple nod or even meeting of the eyes and a smile can be used to convey the same message.
　
So your mistake is in evaluating the content of the message as something important in itself. The explicit content of this message is irrelevant and never actually changes -- they ask "how are you" and you are supposed to say, "Fine, and yourself?"; it's the meaning behind it that's being tested and declared. They are asking you if you are part of their community and/or open to them, and vice versa.
　

Do you also tend to jump to the interesting stuff?

I was originally TERRIBLE at small talk. I hated it. I barely talked at all until someone tossed in questions about the deeper things of life, and then I wouldn't shut up. The few people who I thought were deep thinkers got all my energy and attention, and I avoided the others.
　
Nowadays I can operate in a lot of environments. I just don't prefer "small talk," but I can hold my own and have learned all the appropriate verbal and facial cues so that someone understands I'm positive towards them.

Or make abrupt questions that change the flow of conversation because you became interested in something else?

I try to segue appropriately. I will definitely sense an opening to make something deeper happen, if possible, but I won't force it if I sense they can't/won't go there.

 

[Nezumi]

I have been told, and it seems plausible, that small talk, especially the 'gossip' variety, is the human equivalent of monkeys picking fleas off each other: It fosters group bonding. There is not much of direct value in the information, it's the sharing that matters.

I like the visual of the monkeys.

I call it nattering. Watch closely when others do it and you may see nobody is really paying attention to what anyone else is saying, at least until you get to the salacious stuff.

This made me smile. I'm going to now view small talk as monkeys and giggle to myself in group settings. Woo!

What you describe here seems to be more like social pleasantries that act as cues that identify you as either a participant or an outsider. When someone says, "How are you?" they are in essence saying, "Hey, I acknowledge your existence and express my positive intent toward you," and when you say, "Fine," you are saying, "Hey I acknowledge you back and also express positive intent toward you." A simple nod or even meeting of the eyes and a smile can be used to convey the same message.
　
So your mistake is in evaluating the content of the message as something important in itself. The explicit content of this message is irrelevant and never actually changes -- they ask "how are you" and you are supposed to say, "Fine, and yourself?"; it's the meaning behind it that's being tested and declared. They are asking you if you are part of their community and/or open to them, and vice versa.

Thank you for this! It was the missing link that I didn't see. I don't think I will like it anymore then before but at least I can have reasons to why it's necessary.