Do you think I have asperger's, social anxiety, bipolar or severe depression? (please help)

[e.lee.sa]

Hi, I'm a 21 yrs old girl & I'm an only child.
I'm a university student in a small town, & still live with my mom (can't afford living alone at all !)
I sometimes think I might have one of those mental illnesses.
Idk if I've been this way since birth (like asperger's) or that I became this way because of my lifestyle or something else.

The problem is...I think I'm different. It specially happened after uni (& when I was 18_19) that I either "became" this way, or I just came to realize it.

I mean, I can't make or keep friends easily. & always feel self conscious in these types of situations. Idk maybe I'm exaggerating or maybe not.
Idk how to be interesting & start or hold a good conversation.
Idk how to be really emotional, warm, empathic & sympathetic like many girls my age are.
Sometimes & in some situations, Idk what to do or what to say. I always feel like I have to ask for others' opinion before doing something important.

I ALWAYS assume everyone hates me & I'm an unwanted person.
& in most (but not all) situations, joining some groupes or cliques is a BIG no-no for me, Cuz I assume they are already friends, have secrets or things they don't like outsiders to know, & will hate me If I try to talk to them or join them.
So, I always think others will find me annoying or awkward if I go join their group or conversation.

I can't keep eye contact. (It's strange. Cuz I could make eye contact before. But then I started reading about social phobia & anxiety & asperger on internet. & now I'm really obsessed with it & think about it whenever I'm talking to ppl).
& I guess it got worse when I cut my hair short & my family started telling me that I look ugly with short hair & without makeup (In order to make me let my hair grow & become a girly girl).
So now I always think I'm ugly & less than others even when some ppl say I'm cute!

I also have problem standing for myself & defending myself. I have trouble saying No or disagreeing with ppl or saying my own opinion. In these situations, I either act passive aggressive, or simply accept them & agree with them but later complain & hate myself for that.

The other thing that really bothers me is that I'm not interesting or center of attention or lovely. I rarely know how to start interesting conversations & keep ppl interested. I'm kind of a serious person. Specially at uni, or around colder ppl. I'm not really good at small talk, group text, or banter.
& I don't play pranks in order not to annoy ppl. I do not joke Cuz I'm afraid that ppl either take it seriously and get mad, or think it's weird & doesn't suit me as I'm usually anxious & serious around them.
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When I look at pictures of ppl spending time with their friends, having fun, laughing, travelling, doing special things, partying, etc I envy them so bad.
I wish I had a medium group of good friends & we did a lot of things together.
I wish I was very confident, popular, beautiful, outgoing, warm & fun.

When I see popular girls at uni, or ppl like Ellen Degeneres, or my mom around her coworkers, I really feel jealous.
They can be accepted & wanted, & always have interesting stories to say & can make ppl laugh. They are like magnet. & nobody hates or humiliates them.
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I'm an only child. I had a tough childhood with parents who fighted a lot. My f.a.t.h.e.r always abused me & my mom (mentally & physically). & he never had time for us (he either studied, worked, or went travelling or having fun alone or with his own friends/relatives. & he was very selfish & bossy.
& he never took my responsibility. He never spent money for us & never played for our health care, my school, our clothes, etc.

Also, In general, I had strict & paranoid parents. Even my mom was really strict. They never let me bring a friend home, or go to their house. I was never allowed to go to parties, even birthday parties.
I wasn't allowed to go out alone or with my friends. I wasn't allowed to have a bf or gf. I wasn't allowed to chat with ppl on-line, I was not allowed to join risky sports, etc.

& some of these rules still exist as I still live with my mom & under her roof.
The only change was that I can now go out with my friends.
But can you believe it...I'm 21 & still haven't gone to a birthday party. I have never had a bf or gf. I have never travelled with my friends.


Actually I (usually) lived with my grandparents till 6, due to having busy parents, & even when I was with them, my mom was the only one who really loved to spend time for me.

After the age 6-7 (that I had to go to school), I started living with my parents. & whenever my mom had night shifts or was really busy, she took me to some of her trusted friends/relatives house. Some of them had children & I could play with them & make friends. Most of my friends were boys.
& whenever they had shifts, they could bring their kids to our house.
The problem with this method was that some of them got annoyed with me going to their house in the long run. & I sometimes overheard some things about that.
(But in general, apart from that, I had a kinda good social life. Also, my mom sometimes took me to work & I played with her coworkers & friends sometimes. I could make them laugh too.
In general, I didn't really care about what others think about me.
& I was rarely shy & it was usually around teens & young adults.


After the age 12-13, my mom thought I was old enough to stay home alone when my parents were at work. & we also went to another city. I lost my friends. Even my close friend of 8 yrs. Actually my bestie & I could only speak on the phone (& we're still best friends & see each other every now & then). After that I became a loner. I could only go out with my mom or close relatives. & I could only see my friends at school. But it was a good city, & my mom & I went out a lot that I never felt lonely.

When I was 15 we went to another small town & I got really depressed due to that. My social life got even worse & I became more introvert. & as my parents forced me to get good grades & be teachers pet & answer all questions & be polite, I was occasionally hated or rejected by some classmates. But I still had my friends.
Before that, I was rejected at school only once I guess. When I was 11. I mean, I did have some minor problems or fights or arguments at school. Like others. But when I was 11, I had to go to a different school & without my Bestie for a year. There were two girls I really wanted to befriend, but they didn't really accept me, & sometimes when they wanted to talk about something, they told me to stay far from them as they wanted to talk about something privet. I did find some other friends after that, but it was a bad experience & I still remember it & don't know why they did that to me!


*also when I was 16, I found out that I might be lesbian. I still can't accept myself. This town is not gay-friendly at all & I know no other gay ppl or any support groups here. I can't talk about it with family & friends at all. So I feel depressed.

Also, as I'm into women, Idk how to act around other women/girls. For example, I refuse to act emotional or sensitive or sympathetic & warm around other girls even my peers. & etc.
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Anyway, my life is so depressing now. I go to uni & it's depressing & boring. I'm always anxious, uncomfy, & can't study to get good grades. Cuz I'm worried about my awful social life.
I don't hang out with guys Cuz I don't wanna be known as a whore. & the girls...., well there are 4 types of girls in our class ;

1)dorm girls (they've been together in the same dorm for 3 yrs, & obviously, they are closer with each other. So I can't really hang out with them).

2)girls from other cities who live in the same apartments together & are roommates or live in different apartments but go to each other's place a lot, & support each other & are usually popular girls who only talk about boys.

3)small cliques (obviously, I can't join them. Also I have fear of rejection & being annoying)

4)a real confident girl who is really beautiful, flirty, confident & interesting & so brave & active in dating guys. She always has interesting stories to tell & can make ppl laugh. I wish I was her. She's like a magnet. Nobody hates her. She talks to all ppl but never makes close friends. She has tones of friends outside of uni, & they have a different lifestyle!

5) a girl who lives in this town like me. But she has relatives, family friends, a sister & lots of friends outside of uni.
I was her friend at first. But she's the type of girl who invites ppl home & expects to be invited a lot. Also she was kinda needy, promiscious & not organized. So as I had lots of limitations, I decided to keep her as an acquiantance.

So I get anxious & depressed when I go to uni ! I wish I could die. I usually think that I'm annoying, & everyone hates me. & I can t study well to get good grades to become a lil popular.

Yeah, I occasionally join some classes & activities outside of uni & sometimes find friends. I can only be comfy around warm ppl & extroverts. I also can be happy & cheerful around my family, relatives & close friend. But I spend long hours at uni & I need some friends there.

Now at uni, I'm friends with a girl who's from another town & lives in an apartment. She's really introvert, kinda cold & rarely opens up or talks. She can't hold conversations & seems uninterested her only interests asides from studying is boys & makeup. So we have nothing in common & as she is quiet, cold & barely talks, I find her boring. It seems like we are friends only in order not to be alone there.
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Even when I'm around ppl, Idk what to talk about. I have nothing to talk about.
I can't open up about being gay
Or the lgbt friendly sites I check on internet
Or gay movies I watch in order not to hate myself or feel lonely
Or girls I have crush on or find hot
Or the psychology sites I check to find out what's wrong with me
Or spending time with my mom (IF she's not at work)
Or being bored & depressed everyday
Or our family problems, fights & my parents wanting to get divorce & me living with my mom
Or my boring life & me usually staying home
etc etc



@@@ ***>>>>> Sorry about my long text/question. I'm really sorry!!! But in order to get a good answer, I had to explain my history & situation completely!

I'm usually really depressed & suicidal, so I really want to know what's wrong with me instead of reading lots of psychology texts & thinking I have all of those problems.

Thank you so much! :-)

 

[nanook]

to understand yourself, you have to attain a vision of the properties of a healthy ideal version of your type and then compare what "damage" was trained into you and how these patterns of thought and behavior prevent you from acting like your ideal self.

without this knowledge about an ideal self, no concept of damage can be helpful and is only caging you into an identification with your broken state, so don't go looking for truth inside of the DSM, if you don't want to waste your life, repeating your decay pattern, like a zombie.

I'm a lot like you, perhaps worse, because i was already certain to be different in pre-school and certain to stay different forever in middle-school. (more certain than i am today)

One official diagnosis i received was "unrecognized + mixed PD, partially schizioid and paranoid."

concepts that actually work for me are
social anxiety,
enneagram 6/9 (one of them, I still can't tell them apart with certainty) and
to a lesser degree enneagram 4/5
and what they call "schizoid" is what i call "apathy" as described here.
it's that mixture of 6ish and 9ish traits.
and of course my overly idealistic and escapist mbti type (INFP apparently)

in a nutshell i am simply too afraid to be myself in spontaneous manner, because i have learned from experience, that the feedback will be something punishing or hurt my boundaries (the latter is not overly surprising: if as an introvert i always share introverted contents, the response will always judge my core). instead i act strategically, in relationship with various expected outcomes/degrees of punishment. I don't pursue any goals that involve other people, because i can't even imagine getting through with one of them. I only live to prevent bad things from happening. I only pursue goals that are private in nature, such as trying to fix myself.

it's not easy to explain, but when you avoid acting from your authentic center, you can not function socially. fear breaks everything, completely changes the mode you operate in. but it doesn't mean there is something organically wrong with you. it's just something you do to yourself, but you have forgotten how you do it and it's automatic now.

it's amazing how egoistic and aggressive you must be, in order to function as a social being. social people are universally curious about each other, but only because they think (unconsciously) ahead and want to get a kick out of the social interaction later on. they pursue life. they are experienced enough with how things can play out to follow this strategy instinctively. they only receive benefits for being social. but we were forbidden from doing this. we accepted the prohibition completely. we never pursued our instincts and needs, we have forgotten about them. we feel that being driven is probably evil, because we judged the drives of our narcissistic parent(s), that destroyed us. it's a really simple problem and it could be simple to overcome it, if there was a safe playground to train social interactions. unfortunately society is more like a cast system. you get locked into your game level.

 

[8151147]

schizoid personality disorder.

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

How positive is your self talk? How self aware are you? Do you allow yourself the same courtesies of acceptance and forgiveness you give to others? How much mindfulness have you been able to develop at this point in your personal development? Do you give yourself unfettered free time to enjoy some mental space?

Sounds to me like you are carrying around a lot of mental garbage in your mind which is not your friend. Perhaps you started carrying it around at a young age thinking you were doing everyone else a favor, e.g. your parents, and at this late stage the amount you've now burdened yourself with an amount which is crushing you. Dump all that garbage and clutter and hit the reset button?

Are you an INTP? Based on your stated positions in life right now, wouldn't surprise me at all. Many an INTP has gone through the thought process of "perhaps I have aspergers" and "why am I so different from everyone else?" and "maybe my aversion to socializing functions is due to social anxiety" which, unchecked by a comprehensive understanding of one's own true inner INTP nature (and its inherent worth in its own sphere which is entirely independent of social norms and values) can definitely lead to feelings of depressed self worth and depression.

For a lot of us, unlocking the mystery which was our inner INTP nature opens the door to a whole new, and better of course, level of consciousness and subconsciousness. For example, for me I realized that I am what I am and no longer felt like I needed to bother trying to fake being like all the other "normal" people. INTPs have mountains of benefits to offer themselves and others, its just that their offerings aren't in-the-other-person's-face obvious. In the long run the INTP makes massive contributions to their inner circle of friends/ families/ society.

INTPs also seem to be late bloomers but once they bloom watch out world! How much patience with life do you have?

Cheers!

P.S. I think Nanook hit on something key up above which is beware of the Narcissistic Parent. Sounds like its a possibility in your case and/or a poisonous mix of their strong extroversions and sensing proclivities vs. your sweet inner nature as a guileless introvert.

 

[Black Rose]

---------------------------
Even when I'm around ppl, Idk what to talk about. I have nothing to talk about.
I can't open up about being gay
Or the lgbt friendly sites I check on internet
Or gay movies I watch in order not to hate myself or feel lonely
Or girls I have crush on or find hot
Or the psychology sites I check to find out what's wrong with me
Or spending time with my mom (IF she's not at work)
Or being bored & depressed everyday
Or our family problems, fights & my parents wanting to get divorce & me living with my mom
Or my boring life & me usually staying home
etc etc



@@@ ***>>>>> Sorry about my long text/question. I'm really sorry!!! But in order to get a good answer, I had to explain my history & situation completely!

I'm usually really depressed & suicidal, so I really want to know what's wrong with me instead of reading lots of psychology texts & thinking I have all of those problems.

Thank you so much! :-)

With these problems it is really about acceptance by people who are not there. I would ask your mom about it being you seem close to her and that she will want to help you. Do you think she will accept you as the person you are because the people who you go to school with seem superficial if they only want to be social in a way you are not. You to can be social in your own way but it doesn't have to be about thing you are not interested in. If people around you seem to even hint at understanding you or seem to care it would be good to relate to them even if they are boys. You have to accept yourself also and you will not care if people reject you because that is their problem as unaccepting people. The problem is that you do not know what to say and this creates the anxiety. If you let go of putting the pressure on you and instead have them be interested in you then it will be easier because that shows there is a mutual benefit from both sides. At school you might also just study together with people from books that you choose to look into. If you want to be less agnus studying you should be the one to direct what it is you want to do and this will motivate you because it's for you not just a class. This could make it easier as you then don't have to worry as much at getting it right. As long as you have support it would make you better at it by practice. Goals are really emotional driven that way because it make it something you really want to do.

I hope this helps

 

[onesteptwostep]

If you're in an university it wouldn't be that hard to find a club that piques your interests. Join one if there is. Also, it would be wise to start categorizing what you consider a private matter, and what you consider yourself to be a 'public' matter. Everyone has two faces, in the emotional, personal sense. I tend to notice that 'only child' folks don't understand the dynamics of personal space in social situations. I mean it doesn't mean you're a worser person or anything, it's just a spec which was given to you- it's something that needs to be worked, depending on what you will with it.

However if you feel like social anxiety is too much to handle for you right now, maybe it would be wiser to put a hold onto school and rest a bit. You can work at a mall maybe, or at a local shop after you've rested for a few weeks. The need for 'higher education' is an epidemic. It's better to go into school with a drive.

You're in a homogenous culture, right? It shouldn't be really that difficult for you to find likeminded people. It's good to go into literature to figure out your problems, but you can learn more by talking to people, like your family for instance. Ask your grandmother about her life and her past. Ask your mom about hers. Ask your relatives if they're around, etc. Oh, this is bit "oxymoronic", but autobiographies are good too.

On whether you 'have' mental disorders, you have to remind yourself that these are just classifications. You don't 'have' mental disorders. You have a certain state of perception which can be classified as such. You are not 'lost' nor bettered by these labels. Never forget yourself- never forget your being, your soul.

 

[ZenRaiden]

Just rejoice https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCNx6vs7c2Y

 

[Cherry Cola]

It's sounds like you've lived an overly sheltered life thanks to your parents and thus haven't gotten much practice socializing, like you haven't really found a role yet. Plus I get the impression your living something of a sheltered life even now, the reason you have so little to talk about is probably partly because too little is happening in your life. These are all problems which can be solved.

I think you should move away from your mother and try to find some social groups based around interests or stuff (like clubs). Or you can work. Onesteptwostep's got good advice imo.

I can't say anything about whether or not you have any diagnoses, your problems could as well be the result of your upbringing.

 

[TBerg]

You sound so much like me when I was your age. I sympathize with you greatly for that reason. The one thing that you need to know is that you will fail and succeed all the time and things will get better and worse all the time. It is not like there are straight trajectories to anything. There will always be highs and lows in your life. I second both Cherry Cola and onesteptwostep in their advice. I would just advise you that there is nothing shameful about asking questions to figure out things you don't understand in social situations. You must do this if you want to survive. If they don't understand you, then the feeling is mutual. And I would advise you to try to find as much as possible in common with everyone, no matter how small. There will always be something you share with anyone you meet. That will help you feel less alienated. I used to think that people were talking behind my back all the time, but I figured out that wasn't very true at all. Most people take what you give them and then move on with their own boring lives. Other people have feelings and problems, too, and they are just as meaningful as your own. You would be surprised at some of the responses you can get from powerful people once you find the right nerve to hit. Everyone has an Achilles Heel.

 

[Doktorin Zylinder]

I answered this on the other forum on which you posted it.

 

[TheZero]

Just as a suggestion, you could tell them you're a lesbian and then hang out with the boys. That way no-one calls you a whore and you get a bunch of loud and easily accepting morons to be friends with. But to be honest, I think what you're going through is standard for INFs. My ex-girlfriend used to sound like that a lot, but she pushed through by becoming more extroverted. Tap into all the crazy and random ideas you have.

Praise to the Great God Cthulhu

 

[StevenM]

I have problems with similar (after skimming the post).

Around people, I end up restricting myself with:

I can't be quiet,
though I shouldn't be loud.
I can't be shy.
I can't sit weird.
I can't walk too fast, but I shouldn't walk too slow.

I should have my head up,
actually no, I probably look arrogant,
I can't have my head down, I look weak.

I am not allowed to interrupt.
I am not allowed to stare.
I won't talk too much of myself.
I have to genuinely smile.

..... and on, and on, each a brick being mortared into a wall.

I found it does bring a sense of comfort, when you do allow yourself to do any of those things, or whatever you feel like. I try to say, "It's okay if I'm quiet and awkward right now", or "It's okay if I'm not enjoying myself".

At least, it takes the edge off.

I've also noticed that when doing 'social' more frequently, I do it better. But then I end up withdrawing again, which restarts the cycle.

 

[Necatoriasis]

It sounds more like avoidant personality disorder than schizoid personality disorder.

 

[8151147]

I re-read the OP carefully and I think it maybe not schizoid PD. However not avoidant too since people with avoidant PD are very sensitive. The OP's writing style did not express that sensitization.

What MBTI type do you think you are first? Sound like ISFJ to me(Dependent personality disorder).