Do INTPs become more normal with age/maturity?

[WALKYRIA]

Haha; i felt like a misfit for the first 25 years of me life; almost autistic in the beginning.Yet my desire to gain social power and social acceptance made me take certain life traditional choices... While it's true i prefere novelty..
Now here am I, late twenties and I actually feel normal, got a job, got some friends, commute..etc the boring normal life! lol i just don't feel as awkward as before. Is it normal or is it also because of the access to intp guides and information through internet? WE are also known to be chameleons..

I still have my intp quirks but it's no big deal anymore!! Feels good but weird; what do you guys think? Did you get the same experience?

C ya!

 

[smithcommajohn]

I feel about the same as I ever did and I'm much older than you, so I don't know that it's a function of age.

I have become much more adept at countering my inherent weaknesses (memory, empathy, social interactions, etc.), so I suppose I may seem SLIGHTLY more normal to others. I think speaking with other INTPs is helpful because not only can you talk with people that can begin to understand you, you can see yourself in others and how it looks from the other side.

Either way, you sound happy and that's a good thing!

 

[Sinny91]

I think I've defintely got more normal, according to my own standards.
Perhaps not those of everybody else

 

[WALKYRIA]

What do you mean sinny? Do you mean that u used to be abnormal even to your own standards...? Funny hey!
I guess it also has to do with the fact that WE are usually late/early bloomers? WE reach the developmntal milestones a bit later or earlier.... Which can cause some inbalance i guess.
To take my example.. I used to be depressed, bored, asexual and loner/autistic, used to be surrounded by dummies and losers...than i adjusted to what society expects from a normal citizen while of course trying to stay true to myself..chameleon here lol. I guess ii learned How to fake it to make it but i also feel weird transitioning from weirdo to a normie lol!! IVe read somewhere that being balanced is not a good rhing for the intp or something lol..funny!!

 

[EditorOne]

I think you can learn to appear normal as you get older, but "I" am still there under that appearance. I know when I'm "normalizing" my ummm style and content, it is s always an act or a robe you put on for decency's sake.

 

[WALKYRIA]

Smith, I'm happy sure or atleast I am by society's standards...i always have been in conflict with the notion/concept of happiness(and despised for a long time happy/overly happy people!)as advertized in our modern societies. I guess i don't lack anything substantial, so yeah I'm content!
And btw, i also did the balancing(empathy, socializing,..etc) and went from a hardcore intp to a milder *N*P i became more tolerant of other's point of views(milder I and T), learned socializing and the art of conversation, and made a conscious effort to define normality and adequacy in our society, learned to accepte the world basically!!!
Btw How Old are you and what do you mean by you still feel the same? feel weird, disconnected, distant,anxious, depressed??I Have a hard time grasping how one's feeling don't change with life experience(kids, job,mariage, illness, aging, etc)... But then my feeling are very inferior

 

[WALKYRIA]

Sure editor one! But how do you know the "I" is still there when everyone around behaves in the same range/spectrum of normality... It's by faking it that WE become and ultimately make it right?! Sometimes i feel anxious that i might eventually be stuck in the robe forever(and diluting my
cherrished individuality).. But i guess it's a young man's fear!

 

[Pyropyro]

I guess so. As one grows older, one accumulates a lot of Si data on how the world works. Life lessons accessed via Si are old yet useful data for going about our business and navigate in life.

We look normal since older INTP's tend to be better in avoiding social faux pas that younger ones have to experience first.

 

[EditorOne]

Sure editor one! But how do you know the "I" is still there when everyone around behaves in the same range/spectrum of normality... It's by faking it that WE become and ultimately make it right?! Sometimes i feel anxious that i might eventually be stuck in the robe forever(and diluting my
cherrished individuality).. But i guess it's a young man's fear!

Yes, I recall that fear quite clearly. But since I am no longer a young man, I don't worry about it any more. You can take it too far: I distinctly recall refusing to take courses in creative writing and refusing to "schmooze" with established authors for fear my precious uniqueness in writing would be contaminated or whatever. Huge mistake. I really wish the Web existed in the 1960s when I was in crisis mode on a daily basis, it allows a diluted concentration of similar personalities and/or interests to reach critical mass despite the challenge of distance. This forum, by its very existence, is a "normalizing" experience for those who are suddenly made aware they are not defective, they are simply endowed with an unusual but potentially rewarding personality type.

 

[Sinny91]

What do you mean sinny? Do you mean that u used to be abnormal even to your own standards...? Funny hey!

I'm not quite sure what I mean ... But I was definitely a lot weirder when I was younger, all my friends will attest. I can't remember half the weird stuff because I have a habit of self forgetting. (Well, I remember a couple of things, but they are far too weird to share)

But these days I can take all my weirdness out online.

I never did really use the internet up until 2010/11. (outside of education)

So all my INTP weirdness had to be suffered by everybody else.

But now you guys have to deal with it

 

[smithcommajohn]

Smith, I'm happy sure or atleast I am by society's standards...i always have been in conflict with the notion/concept of happiness(and despised for a long time happy/overly happy people!)as advertized in our modern societies. I guess i don't lack anything substantial, so yeah I'm content!
And btw, i also did the balancing(empathy, socializing,..etc) and went from a hardcore intp to a milder *N*P i became more tolerant of other's point of views(milder I and T), learned socializing and the art of conversation, and made a conscious effort to define normality and adequacy in our society, learned to accepte the world basically!!!
Btw How Old are you and what do you mean by you still feel the same? feel weird, disconnected, distant,anxious, depressed??I Have a hard time grasping how one's feeling don't change with life experience(kids, job,mariage, illness, aging, etc)... But then my feeling are very inferior

I'm 46, and what I mean by feel the same is that I'm still the same person inside. I have tendencies toward introversion and apathy that really turn people off. I moderate these tendencies the best I can when I'm around others to make interactions less awkward, but the real me is always there underneath the mask.

I don't mean to make it sound like I've never changed over the years in my feelings, it's just that my base tendencies haven't. I fell in love with a beautiful girl and married her. I never thought I could love someone like that before and it changed me in ways that are hard to describe. I wanted to be a better man. I actually CARED about becoming a better man. She made me give a shit. When we divorced 4 years later, yeah, things changed again. That's what life is all about, though, change. The world changes us and we change the world, even if only slightly.

About feeling "weird, disconnected, distant,anxious, depressed", those feelings have come and gone many times throughout my entire life. I don't know that it is because of my type, though. I still feel like the odd one out most of the time. Usually it doesn't bother me at all, but other times it is all I can bear... but that's life.

 

[Brontosaurie]

Adults learn to accept or pretend to accept different people and their different strengths. Curse/blessing thing about maturity.

 

[Jennywocky]

I'm 46, and what I mean by feel the same is that I'm still the same person inside. I have tendencies toward introversion and apathy that really turn people off. I moderate these tendencies the best I can when I'm around others to make interactions less awkward, but the real me is always there underneath the mask.

I don't mean to make it sound like I've never changed over the years in my feelings, it's just that my base tendencies haven't. I fell in love with a beautiful girl and married her. I never thought I could love someone like that before and it changed me in ways that are hard to describe. I wanted to be a better man. I actually CARED about becoming a better man. She made me give a shit. When we divorced 4 years later, yeah, things changed again. That's what life is all about, though, change. The world changes us and we change the world, even if only slightly.

About feeling "weird, disconnected, distant,anxious, depressed", those feelings have come and gone many times throughout my entire life. I don't know that it is because of my type, though. I still feel like the odd one out most of the time. Usually it doesn't bother me at all, but other times it is all I can bear... but that's life.

I identify with a lot of that. I will be 48 in a few months, and my life has really run a gamut at times, but I'm still the same sort of "me" I see now after all of the being socialized.

Getting married and raising kids did force me into new pathways, although it was more about learning "how to do it" -- how to interact in ways that I didn't quite have a natural grasp of -- and sure those things expanded me, but they seem to only work best when I have a lot of energy and there's no kind of erosion/disruption in my life. Kind of like "big game" day when you're rested up and prepared and practiced.

Now with my kids grown and being divorced and pretty much just working during the day and then spending much of my free time alone (because my closest friends aren't local, and I'm not great at casual meetings), I feel like I've gone back to "normal gear" behavior... puttering about, watching movies, thinking a lot, hiking on my own, doing projects when I can focus the energy and ideas to do so.

It's just that I'm different now in that I can operate in the world when I need to and seem "normal" to everyone else. Maybe I'm too hard on myself, but I always feel like the one in groups of women who doesn't know what to say (we had a baby shower last week -- wheee... that was thrilling, case in point), so I just smile and laugh and occasionally toss something out, and it can feel nice to be included... but I don't really feel like I'm part of the group. I'm still this individual isolated person who is accepted into the group but doesn't necessarily belong. I tend to do best when I'm interacting with others with a goal in mind -- an ideas discussion, a project, a game session, etc. Then I seem to be more "me" if that makes sense, and I just respond to things intuitively.

Kind of random. I guess I'm saying, yes, at my age, I can actually "clean up" okay and interact with others -- I have some social skills now, and confidence in how I engage, from the outside I LOOK more "normal" in how I present myself and what I can do -- but my core impulses haven't really changed a ton. But I also feel like a lot of edge has been taken off by life as well, so I don't get quite as intense about certain things I used to do a lot in my teens and early 20's.

 

[Turnevies]

Absolutely.

It took me quite a while in puberty before I realized not everyone thinks the way I think. A huge mistake I made in the past is fearing to move my personality too far away from mainstream; I thought I shouldn't cultivate quirky interests too much, because it would lead me in a downward spiral of nerdism, loneliness, never getting laid and people laughing at me. I was missing positive role-models back than and only had negative ones (people to which I wanted to make sure I didn't become like).

The real way to maturity as an INTP, I realize now, is just living your life really 'INTP'-like. I mean, collect enough intellectual theories from wikipedia etc., eventually your natural thirst for knowledge gets kinda quenched and then you will automatically start to get more interests in the social practicalities of you as a human living among other people, e.g. dating. For most people it is the other way around: they care about popularity when they are young, then earning money, then career and can only become intellectuals when they are over 50.

So to me, the trick is allow your mind to saturate with the things it craves for the most (within minor boundaries of course), the rest will come later.

 

[smithcommajohn]

I identify with a lot of that. I will be 48 in a few months, and my life has really run a gamut at times, but I'm still the same sort of "me" I see now after all of the being socialized.

Getting married and raising kids did force me into new pathways, although it was more about learning "how to do it" -- how to interact in ways that I didn't quite have a natural grasp of -- and sure those things expanded me, but they seem to only work best when I have a lot of energy and there's no kind of erosion/disruption in my life. Kind of like "big game" day when you're rested up and prepared and practiced.

Yes, yes, yes, and more yes. Energy and life situations play a huge role in how well I can mold myself into what others expect. To be clear, it's not really for them, it's for me.

Now with my kids grown and being divorced and pretty much just working during the day and then spending much of my free time alone (because my closest friends aren't local, and I'm not great at casual meetings), I feel like I've gone back to "normal gear" behavior... puttering about, watching movies, thinking a lot, hiking on my own, doing projects when I can focus the energy and ideas to do so.

Puttering about... lol. I love it.

It's just that I'm different now in that I can operate in the world when I need to and seem "normal" to everyone else. Maybe I'm too hard on myself, but I always feel like the one in groups of women who doesn't know what to say (we had a baby shower last week -- wheee... that was thrilling, case in point), so I just smile and laugh and occasionally toss something out, and it can feel nice to be included... but I don't really feel like I'm part of the group. I'm still this individual isolated person who is accepted into the group but doesn't necessarily belong. I tend to do best when I'm interacting with others with a goal in mind -- an ideas discussion, a project, a game session, etc. Then I seem to be more "me" if that makes sense, and I just respond to things intuitively.

You probably are too hard on yourself. I so get this entire paragraph. It is me (except for the baby shower).

Kind of random. I guess I'm saying, yes, at my age, I can actually "clean up" okay and interact with others -- I have some social skills now, and confidence in how I engage, from the outside I LOOK more "normal" in how I present myself and what I can do -- but my core impulses haven't really changed a ton. But I also feel like a lot of edge has been taken off by life as well, so I don't get quite as intense about certain things I used to do a lot in my teens and early 20's.

Again... me. It feels so good to read this. It is why I came back to this site after being MIA for a few years. Much love, Jennywocky!

 

[Jennywocky]

You probably are too hard on yourself.

I probably regularly give myself two black eyes... it's a personality feature.

I so get this entire paragraph. It is me (except for the baby shower).

Run. Run far away!

Again... me. It feels so good to read this. It is why I came back to this site after being MIA for a few years. Much love, Jennywocky!

welcome back. Any guy with a fondness for swift llamas is okay in my book.

 

[dang]

I'm not quite sure what I mean ... But I was definitely a lot weirder when I was younger, all my friends will attest. I can't remember half the weird stuff because I have a habit of self forgetting. (Well, I remember a couple of things, but they are far too weird to share)

But these days I can take all my weirdness out online.

I never did really use the internet up until 2010/11. (outside of education)

So all my INTP weirdness had to be suffered by everybody else.

But now you guys have to deal with it

You mean "INTJ weirdness"? Burn.

 

[smithcommajohn]

Run. Run far away!

That sounds like a lot of effort. Can't I just chill right here?

welcome back. Any guy with a fondness for swift llamas is okay in my book.

Thank you Llamas are just the tip of the iceberg.

 

[Polaris]

Er, no. 'Normal' has never appealed to me - if we are talking about the conventional method of marriage, kids, 9-5 job, weekends with friends, etc. I have always been regarded as somewhat weird, no matter where I am, so I got used to it. The only people who seem to genuinely understand and appreciate my eccentric ways are academics.

I tried somewhat half-assedly to integrate/fit in more while I was younger but realised it made me feel like a fake. I had shit friends, a job I hated, got bored stupid doing the weekend socialising thing, and went out with the wrong kind of romantic partners. I left two serious relationships because I didn't want children. I have left countless jobs because I refused to work for assholes. I dissed a 'safe' future for a life of study - became poorer, but happier.

Haven't regretted anything so far. I'll probably die lonely and destitute but I feel like have made the most of everything in many respects.

Just need to finish my projects - running out of time, there's still so much I need to accomplish...

 

[intp_xp]

I agree with the others where I don't believe my core has changed but over time, I have learned coping strategies to deal with situations that I would otherwise not handle well. Do more people think I seem normal? Probably, but even my eldest son termed me socially awkward and I never knew enough people or knew them enough to know what they thought. I have also found that coping against my personality can and has been very draining.

I was considering making a wall of text giving my background for a little perspective but decided against that since I know how I feel about walls of text. If anyone cares to hear it, let me know and I will continue to share but I have no problem being short either. I wanted to lead up to why I am here in the first place (maybe I should have introduced this instead?). I don't trust myself to directly prescribe answers but to share my experiences and hope in some way someone gets some benefit from them.

 

[smithcommajohn]

I agree with the others where I don't believe my core has changed but over time, I have learned coping strategies to deal with situations that I would otherwise not handle well. Do more people think I seem normal? Probably, but even my eldest son termed me socially awkward and I never knew enough people or knew them enough to know what they thought. I have also found that coping against my personality can and has been very draining.

I was considering making a wall of text giving my background for a little perspective but decided against that since I know how I feel about walls of text. If anyone cares to hear it, let me know and I will continue to share but I have no problem being short either. I wanted to lead up to why I am here in the first place (maybe I should have introduced this instead?). I don't trust myself to directly prescribe answers but to share my experiences and hope in some way someone gets some benefit from them.

Welcome aboard, intp_xp. I usually like to be short for the reason you mentioned. Every once in a great while I will put up a wall of text, but I have to feel really passionate about the subject to do it.

I'd like to hear your story. I'm sure others would too.

 

[WALKYRIA]

If anyone cares to hear it, let me know and I will continue to share but I have no problem being short either.
Go for it man! No one will reprimand you here for being too long...
I'm curious to hear in what ways you have changed and in what ways you still are the same!

 

[intp_xp]

I'm good with more shares. I am going to break mine up a bit. I wanted to start with the past but thought maybe the present makes more sense. Really, my story is extremely boring but I think I found a pattern I can reflect on.

The reason I am here is because I had a few emotional breakdowns over the past couple weeks. I feel holding back tears at work for a 36 year old man is a bit strange. However, not the first time in my history. I decided I really needed to do some research to understand myself some more. At this point, I am still not sure what the issue was (still is?) but found that I am an INTP and that the only thing I could also consider is Cyclothymia. I have always had ups and downs which I think is normal for everyone. Anyway, still researching away and testing various things like sleeping, drinking, exercise, food, etc.

The other reason I thought my breakdown was odd is because by American standards, I am pretty much living the dream. I have been married for 18 years, I have 4 kids, a well paying job in CIS, a college degree, a house, a few cars and a couple motorcyles. I even looked up mid life crisis which doesn't really seem to be a thing. The closest I saw was how they grouped personalities by stages of life and it's possible I am either coming to term with my functions or they are rebelling.

So, before I made my first post, I researched coping to made sure I understood it. I thought I had a good handle on the positive techniques, well, not seeking support of others except for maybe now. I don't see myself following the negative techniques. Anyway, I think what I found is I just turned apathetic and treated that for everyday interactions whether it was warranted or not. My problem is that apathy seems to have a negative connotation and while there are some interactions where I really shouldn't use it, it does help with fear of failure, social situations, etc where I need to use it. I feel more like a free spirit than apathetic. What is odd is that while I do exhibit the lack of feeling, motivation, passion, etc. I haven't necessarily lost touch with reality.

This is where I came to the possible conclusion that while my "apathy" has allowed me to do stuff I normally would not have, it may be causing me unwanted side effects. I may be expelling as much or more energy because while not actively experiencing the same negative feelings about the situations, I may still have to pay for them.

 

[intp_xp]

Going back to my childhood, I was never able to hold a job for more than a couple weeks. While I don't have the best memory, I feel like my mind would always get the best of me and I would emotionally breakdown. When I was 17-18, I actually had a few good jobs, one at UPS, Trek and one making parts for John Deere. John Deere was probably the most embarrassing since I had to go to up to my female boss with tears in my eyes saying I couldn't take it anymore. I admit, this job was one of those sit and push a button or scrape blades all day sort of jobs, way too much time for my mind to mess with itself.

At the same time in the 16-18 year old time frame is also when I started dating. Not looking to date mind you but if a friend (yeah, I had 1) set me up or a girl asked, I wasn't going to say no. In this period, I also had a few emotional breakdowns for no apparent reason. I broke up with my girlfriend (current wife) about 3 times sorting out what the hell was or wasn't wrong with me. That also made it a turbulent time for her not knowing why I would be doing that. Then again, isn't it a turbulent time for all kids?

Running out of time again so I will add the middle stage of life when I get a chance. Another strategy I have found that gets me through certain situations is mind blanking. While I can't say it's entirely beneficial since it shuts down my dominate thinking function, it does allow me not to drive myself crazy during social interactions. People think I am lost in thought or get concerned what I am thinking about them but it's entirely just a blank slate.

 

[cheese]

intp_xp, I'm interested in reading your take. Please continue when you have the chance.

 

[intp_xp]

So what turned me from a worthless teen into whatever it is I am now? The Air Force. OK, I didn't really change but grew up a bit. Why the Air Force? My logic at that time is that the only way I can stick to something is if I am forced to do it. I made it about three years before I started getting to myself again. In the next two years, I moved through three different positions (and looking back not sure I how accomplished this in a place like the Air Force), joined group therapy and exited the military. Well, the logic was initially sound but I guess the result was expected. I should probably hit on the therapy a bit and say I did take some medications but I don't think any really did anything. Does that mean I didn't actually have a problem and it was and is my own doing?

What is the plus side? Free college! I glossed over a bit of my childhood but there was no support from my family at 18 so free college was a great opportunity. Really, as soon as I joined the Air Force, I was on my way to making more money than my parents. Hell, my mom was the only one that graduated high school, my two older brothers at least got their GED.

At this time, I was working on my degree, interning in CIS and my wife was the majority bread winner. My first and last appointment with a VA psychiatrist went like this. He said, "Only you can solve your problems.". Of course, I am paraphrasing a bit but it really was that simple and probably like 5 minutes. It made sense, I am a thinker and I know myself (I think) and I can figure out the tools I need to live this life.

I ended up getting let go from one intern job because of course, I can't just sit around so most days i'd ask to go home because there wasn't anything for me to do. I think they expect people to just enjoy that time doing whatever and getting paid. Luckily, I was getting close to finishing my degree and I found another intern job where I currently work. The rest of the story goes that I am still in the same group, got my Master's degree in CIS and have been the project manager of the group for about 5 years now.

Looking back, it appears it only makes sense that I am coming to terms with my current situation. 5 years in one position is the longest I have spent doing the same job. Of course, I have had some bad moments over the last couple years, just not as bad as the last couple weeks. Anyway, I appear to be "normal" again and hoping to see it persist. Being aware of who I am and somewhat why I am seems to be helping in this regard. However, I am sure I will still have to continue to work at it.

What is another coping strategy? It's not one I think anyone can gain unless you already have it but awesome if you can. Maybe some of you have heard of frisson or ASMR and it's very similar to that. While I have musical frisson but haven't fully tested ASMR, frisson also works on a strict emotional level. So if I feel depressed, I will automatically get the feeling to release my depression. It also works when I feel good about something I accomplished or thought something substantial. I have wondered to myself if this has caused the issue of building up to emotional breakdowns that I may have otherwise solved at the time. This is only the second I have mentioned this since the last time was in group therapy. I got strange looks from the group so I assumed I was the only one and it was possibly rare. However, during recent research, it doesn't seem to be that rare.

 

[narcissistic]

I think INTPs are more common around children/teenagers/young adults, and are more likely to become/be more IxTJ as they mature due to having to deal with society being S and J orientated.

 

[Jennywocky]

ehhh.... I never became a "J" but you do pick up traits more associated with J's simply by the need to hold your life together .... especially if you're holding together a marriage and/or kids. There's no way around it, really, unless you want to be missing / forgetting a lot of stuff and having things fall apart. I am definitely more on-time, more schedule-oriented, plan ahead more, think of logistics more, have more long-term practical goals, and so on.

But it doesn't mean that that's my preference, it's simply a necessity of having to manage so many different things. My natural mode is "go with the flow" and wing it, and I hate having to live within the grind too long. Also, INTP (TiNeSiFe) and INTJ (NiTeFiSe) focus on different functions -- they are not the same critters.

Actually, being divorced and knowing the money flow and having consistent bills, I no longer balance a checkbook. I have a good approximate sense of my inflow and outflow and when my paychecks are deposited, and I don't care about keeping a tedious record, so I don't. In that one area, I feel like I've been able to flex more. But I can do that because I'm on my own; when you have a spouse with a different opinion and/or a family who is also spending money, then you have to track everything or you're going to lose track of stuff.

 

[Architect]

In the older INTP's I know personally/closely (including myself) for many decades, they're mostly the same. However there is a veneer of normality, basically knowing the social norms and how to act and dress appropriately, most of the time. Learning the ropes better basically, but frankly it's not a huge effect.

For myself, as I get older I'm letting my freak flag fly more. I learned how to socialize and hide better than most when younger. It payed off in the work and love life, but now I'm slowly reverting to form. More and more I act like a prototypical INTP - i.e. expressionless and logical (or some variation). Letting my facade down and not caring, also giving myself license is probably what's doing it.

 

[Dorian Tullus]

<-----
"more normal"

 

[E404]

Well, I'm not quite 25... but I "learned" to be "normal" a long time ago. I was a teacher for almost a decade! I grew up in a family where I was expected to smile, shake hands, be polite, etc. even when you didn't want to.

I also started paying attention (analyzing, go figure) human behavior and what made some people less "awkward" than others...

I don't think anyone should have to be "normal" by other's standards... if it feels good to you, great. I am actually going in reverse. I've smiled so long when I wanted to be introverted... Yeah, I'm reversing.

A good friend of mine used to say you can always work outside of your personality. So you can learn it, even if it's not in your personality.

 

[E404]

For myself, as I get older I'm letting my freak flag fly more. I learned how to socialize and hide better than most when younger. It payed off in the work and love life, but now I'm slowly reverting to form. More and more I act like a prototypical INTP - i.e. expressionless and logical (or some variation). Letting my facade down and not caring, also giving myself license is probably what's doing it.

Basically, this is what's happening to me.

 

[TAC]

My attempts at normalcy have fully reverted. For a long time I've been in situations where I've been forced to be hyper social between college and being an athlete year round (My college rugby team voted me to be a captain and president of the club...terrible humans for that). But now that I'm on my own and am not living with 6 people, I've become a good ol fashioned hermit of sorts (still playing rugby, but men's clubs meet much less). I'm struggling at conversation, likely because I spend a lot more time alone and thus have been spending a lot of time in my own world both at home and in public. Earlier today when I was coaching swim team, I got lost in thought and one of the other coaches noticed. He said "Hey Tom, snap out of it; you got that Abe Lincoln stare going on". I chuckled (Honest Abe was one of us, or so they say) and resumed yelling at kids to swim more.

 

[RedOctober]

My attempts at normalcy have fully reverted. For a long time I've been in situations where I've been forced to be hyper social between college and being an athlete year round (My college rugby team voted me to be a captain and president of the club...terrible humans for that). But now that I'm on my own and am not living with 6 people, I've become a good ol fashioned hermit of sorts (still playing rugby, but men's clubs meet much less). I'm struggling at conversation, likely because I spend a lot more time alone and thus have been spending a lot of time in my own world both at home and in public. Earlier today when I was coaching swim team, I got lost in thought and one of the other coaches noticed. He said "Hey Tom, snap out of it; you got that Abe Lincoln stare going on". I chuckled (Honest Abe was one of us, or so they say) and resumed yelling at kids to swim more.

(Sometime lurker here) I would say I'm similar. When I was younger I tried to fit in while often feeling awkward. Because of growing up in the countryside I could get alone time and so probably didn't notice that I needed it so much. When in college I could be a bit aloof. I thought it was just me. I remember feeling so odd when trying to sign up for university societies on my own. Was awful.

I switched courses as I didn't click with anyone and also the course wasn't great. In my new university I clicked with some guys and lived quite an extrovert lifestyle but conveniently and crucially I lived in "digs" out of town which gave me the breathing space I needed. Again I didn't realise how critical that was. In my second year of university, I shared with some friends and I remember within a couple of weeks feeling really weird because we were around each other 24/7 and I needed space. I didn't know what was wrong with me as I had been so social in first year. By and large it wasn't a huge problem and somehow I got through.

As a young adult in the world of work, I wondered why I had so few friends and why I loved when my housemates were gone for the weekend and I had the house to myself. Also, if anyone visited I barely made eye-contact having seen people socially and been the life of the party. Some found it strange needless to say.

A few years ago I was recommended the Susan Cain book by a colleague and discovered I've been an introvert all these years without knowing. It was a revelation and I've been a little obsessed with the idea since as it explains so much. It was like the lights going on.

 

[hogarth]

A lot of you who are further along the path now look back at this age as an early moment in your development, which is reassuring. Currently, at twenty, I recognize that I've made huge strides in "normalcy" compared to where I was in my childhood and early teens.

When I speak of normalcy, I'm talking about the issues that I've always felt made me weird: an inability to make small talk, lack of eye contact, the tendency to go off on unrelated tangents, shyness. Mostly social stuff.

But expectations also change as you grow older, so the weirdness is still proportionally quite high.

In some ways, quirkiness is more acceptable in adult culture than in the culture of children, but once you step out of the peer group, expectations for functioning tend to rise in proportion with age. If an awkward eleven-year-old doesn't quite grasp how to properly talk about the weather, it's quirky and kind of cute, but when that person is in their twenties and is capable of looking at you and making comments but there is still something off - it's weird.

So yeah, I know that I've learned how to make small talk. I've developed some roboticism to cope with the challenge of answering questions like "how are you doing"...but there's still something off. I can't even really say what it is, but I know it's there. I can see it in the looks people give me and the way that such interactions usually drift off awkwardly.

And even though I've learned to come across as somewhat more normal in the past, like so many of the other posters on this thread, I feel just as much like a misfit...in fact, I feel more like a misfit than in the past.

While my social skills have improved, social anxiety has increased in proportion with age. Once awkward, weird, and oblivious of it, now the knowledge that I don't quite get how to interact with other people makes me very uncomfortable and that discomfort probably detracts from the strides I've made in learning how to behave.

 

[Artsu Tharaz]

That sounds like development of the tertiary function.

 

[Puffy]

I don't think so personally, not for myself anyway. I was probably more normal appearing when I was around 16-20 -- around the time I first joined here -- and was more consciously trying to 'fit in.' I've since come to the conclusion that the normal lifestyle is something I can fake but is a form of self-harm I would always be desperately unhappy with, and that I have to be active in crafting the kind of space & life for myself that I can flourish in.

I don't see being 'normal' as an attainment, unless it's a reflection of who you are, as it's false and equates to giving up on being truly satisfied. Dissatisfaction is a good thing as it motivates those who are dissatisfied to analyse why they're dissatisfied. It lends itself to a vision into the world's problems that others are unable to see as they either don't feel them or are complacent to them. Giving up and becoming normal is giving up on the beauty of your potential.

A large part of being 'INTP', or of an eccentric temperament, to me is in locating the right environment and network of people to support you in being yourself. That's very hard and it's understandable that many give up. I lived as a hermit for years because my environment and networks were totally unsupportive and I was resolved I'd rather live as myself alone than compromise. It was more satisfying than trying to be 'normal', but it didn't make me happy either if I'm being honest, and I think leant itself towards more extreme character deformations that are unhealthy.

I'm more normal seeming now in that the conclusion I've been led to is that my focus should be communal: creating spaces and communities in which my spirit is free-flowing and people I relate to are drawn. That seems to me a better realisation of who one is, that would lead to the greatest satisfaction, and the greatest potential in synergy with others of reciprocal spirit.

I think many eccentrics are only so deeply introverted as it's a more satisfying alternative than normalcy, and that many return here despite it becoming an open-sewer because the desire exists that something like that might be realised here.

 

[Ex-User (11125)]

my childhood consisted of lots of travelling and moving around.. so i really was always a misfit, in every since of the word.
not sure how much of my "self" can be divorced from circumstances surrounding my upbringing
hmmm
language/cultural/religious barriers became an integral part of how i interacted with people i met. also the parenting i got was unorthodox; more stress was put on artistic pursuits and being part of community centers than academic success

anyway like i am still learning the ways of the homo sapien, like being an ambitious cuck, a nonchalant ass, a jaywalker etc what else do normal homo sapiens do idk...i guess i am more well adjusted now, maybe bc im living in a multicultural city...or bc i am less full of myself and less inaccessible now

yeah

 

[Minuend]

I don't think so personally, not for myself anyway. I was probably more normal appearing when I was around 16-20 -- around the time I first joined here -- and was more consciously trying to 'fit in.' I've since come to the conclusion that the normal lifestyle is something I can fake but is a form of self-harm I would always be desperately unhappy with, and that I have to be active in crafting the kind of space & life for myself that I can flourish in.

A large part of being 'INTP', or of an eccentric temperament, to me is in locating the right environment and network of people to support you in being yourself. That's very hard and it's understandable that many give up. I lived as a hermit for years because my environment and networks were totally unsupportive and I was resolved I'd rather live as myself alone than compromise. It was more satisfying than trying to be 'normal', but it didn't make me happy either if I'm being honest, and I think leant itself towards more extreme character deformations that are unhealthy.

I spent ages 16-22 or so being a version of me that was more "normal" as well. But as I grew older I stopped caring so much about what I noticed people liked and expected from others, and just became more like the me I felt I was. Which was fine for a while, but then I took some life choices which alienated me from a lot of people. Nowdays I tend to avoid people as much as I can. I don't really miss being among more people either, which means there's no motivation to look for groups where I'd fit in. However, having no social life apart from my bf and my mother is not good for my personality and it does foster increasingly deviant behavior. I wouldn't say it makes me unhappy, though. I feel more neutral and relaxed.

 

[Puffy]

I spent ages 16-22 or so being a version of me that was more "normal" as well. But as I grew older I stopped caring so much about what I noticed people liked and expected from others, and just became more like the me I felt I was. Which was fine for a while, but then I took some life choices which alienated me from a lot of people. Nowdays I tend to avoid people as much as I can. I don't really miss being among more people either, which means there's no motivation to look for groups where I'd fit in. However, having no social life apart from my bf and my mother is not good for my personality and it does foster increasingly deviant behavior. I wouldn't say it makes me unhappy, though. I feel more neutral and relaxed.

- nods - I have quite a neutral tone in person generally as well, though I'm noticing I'm becoming a bit more fiery than I have been in the past.

Unhappiness might not be the right word. I like solitary time to research and the lack of external pressures, as it's important to me that I don't feel too much constriction from my environment. I think I'd like it a lot more if I did it in regular periods rather than as a way of life. Pent-up might be better. I find my primary drive to be action orientated in some ways, as it's a vision that's conceived inwardly but desires ultimately to push outwards and overcome everything in the world that resists it. There's an extent to which when I'm isolated for too long, while I'm still exploring, my energy becomes bottled-up and exhausts itself as it's all internalised and can't apply itself anywhere. That's what I mean by unhappiness, being in a state of being unrealised, it's likely down to my temperament and not universal.

 

[baccheion]

I always been fairly normal, especially once I graduate from high school. The only exception is that I don't talk much. I can do it for short periods of time, but usually don't. Others don't seem to agree.

I've always been trying to move away from "normal" and to who I really am, as all the BS was slowly and painfully wearing me down. For most of my life, I've been absolutely miserable.

Whenever I get to relax into who I am, rather than having to deal with all the BS (especially bad, as it's mostly xSxJ BS), I'm much happier.

 

[Lurker]

Unfortunately, yes.

Hopefully age (and its part-time lover, maturity) will finally help certain stunted INTPs realize that identifying as "abnormal" (aka, A Special Snowflake) is just a way to feel unique. Much like relying on an MBTI "type" for your identity.

Yes, one day you will grow up. Please. (No more humblebrags plz plz)

 

[Grayman]

Unfortunately, yes.

Hopefully age (and its part-time lover, maturity) will finally help certain stunted INTPs realize that identifying as "abnormal" (aka, A Special Snowflake) is just a way to feel unique. Much like relying on an MBTI "type" for your identity.

Yes, one day you will grow up. Please. (No more humblebrags plz plz)

Special snowflake is not synonymous with abnormal and nor does it describe even a small portion of young intp.