Disgusted by odd porn

[Redfire]

I need help. I'm sorry but I don't know where else to turn to. I don't want to speak about this in person. Please don't ban me or close this thread.

Yesterday some old friends came over to my home, and one of them dared us to watch animal porn. For some stupid macho reason I told him nothing could affect me, no matter how strong. That in fact has been true throughout my life, or at least since I was 14 or so. I swear to God I'm not usually a sensitive person. But this just got to me. I managed to pretend I didn't care, but then they went away and I had to buy some groceries. I was waiting in line to pay and I started to get a gag reflex. I thought I was about to puke in the supermarket. I managed not to, and made it home. I haven't eaten a single thing since then, just water. It's like having a flu, food just disgusts me, I think I would just puke it.

This has never happened to me before. Ever. There are tears in my eyes now, I haven't cried in over 10 years. I just can't get the stuff out of my head. I don't know what to do. Will this ever go away? That's all I care about right now. I'm sick and I want it to stop. I even thought about hypnosis to induce amnesia or something like that. I feel too weak to be really angry, but deep down that's also how I feel. I hate the guy who showed it to me, and most of all I hate the people involved in making that stuff. I literally hate them, I hope they are all executed.

I have never in my life been so unmanned and ashamed. I will hide it, but I see no reason why I shouldn't post it here. Thanks for reading, and if you have any advice or similar experience to share, please do. I guess if this continues I'll have to go to a shrink eventually, but I really wouldn't want that. I think this experience will have a great effect on me. I'm just not as strong as I thought I was.

 

[redbaron]

When you say animal porn do you mean involving animal abuse?

In any case it'll go away eventually. Maybe find some better friends as well while you wait.

 

[cheese]

My sympathies. I've felt similarly upon seeing certain things.

It will diminish with time. You may think of it and feel awful each time, but the distance between each memory will grow, and eventually the intensity of the memory will fade too. 3-5 years later, the intensity has faded for me. Frequency diminished much earlier, within the first year I believe.

If it doesn't, see a shrink.

 

[Polaris]

It sounds like you may need trauma counseling. I would get to it sooner rather than later. Best of wishes.

 

[TheManBeyond]

c'mon bro, it will pass

meanwhile try this:

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCPNRsYij3o

the positive side of this video and your experience is that you learn how to distrust everyone.
btw it will be nice to give more details about the video, perhaps that makes you be more logical about it.

 

[nanook]

did you imagine deep throating a horse cock or was the reason of your gag reflex related to actual violence towards animals? i haven't discovered violent (abusive) animal porn myself. wanking off a horse is hardly different from what a doctor would do to you, it's odd and possibly slightly uncomfortable but probably nothing i could get lasting nightmares over, if it was done to me. i think the plain sight of dog penis is visually disgusting, but any dog would be highly offended or hurt by that position so i can't claim my disgust represents animal rights. people who would get fucked by a dog for money remind me of the people who would work at guantanamo bay and it's troubling to think that being simple, gross and mindless is technically a building block that is included inside of being complex, sophisticated and principled, meaning a potential or hypothetical part of me is like them and i have to be able to sit with this fact of my nature with a compassionate attitude, as much as i want to escape any regressive condition of actually acting out in gross ways. any lack of self acceptance IS a suppression of empathy for self and others alike and is therefore a seed of violence, meaning the person who can't accept their own so called dark potentials is more likely to act them out unconsciously than the person who accepts them. so don't execute anyone just yet, you potentially psychopathic murderer, you. relax, enjoy yourself. forgive your friends, they were just sharing the perspectives on the human condition they have to deal with themselves, expecting your empathy for it. if you gonna boast about being able to handle it, you'll have to live up to the claim.

i'm enjoying my vegan food (pitted dates) while i watch that video tmb has linked.

i think the essence of such experiences is that you can't escape them. you can never escape your own skin, but it only becomes obvious when you really dislike what is happening to you. on other occasions your fantasy, your hopes and dreams act as an escape from everything you don't like about the present moment. in the present moment, when all hope is lost, you face your own annihilation, because your separate self is defined by resistance against it, which is itself just a fantasy of sorts, a possibly misguided hope. and that upcoming annihilation is something that can inspire various ejecting reflexes in the body. kicking. pissing, shitting. vomiting. disgust, anger, terror. being a separate self means you are an animal in a conveyor belt, a scream in a vortex, and you will eventually be slaughtered by the coming events.

 

[Thurlor]

I can still remember when I was in uni ('96-'98) and some-one showed me a video of a woman shooting herself in the head. Freaked me out for quite a while. Now it's just a faded memory that I thankfully can't clearly recall.

As for animal porn - if the animal isn't fighting to escape I see no problems.

 

[TheManBeyond]

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UABYoDDaJ3I

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4bLO3kk5YU

 

[Pyropyro]

Disgust is a strong emotional response and I think it's possible that it can mess your body up like that. Fortunately this is temporary and you'll be fine in a few days.

If the symptoms persists after a few days then it's probably best to see a therapist about it.

 

[TBerg]

Polaris et al offer good advice. Cannabis has also been recommended to trauma survivors. It is also important to meditate and focus on your feelings in order to process them better. Just try to notice every single thought until you get bored.

 

[EditorOne]

It really wouldn't hurt to see a counselor if you can work that in. The real shock you got seems not to be just the strong emotion per se, but the fact you had an emotional reaction much stronger than you'd led yourself to believe was natural for you. We are not unemotional, we simply tend to be unable to use emotions the way other people do, so we condition ourselves away from them and eventually convince ourselves we don't have them. You just got a wakeup call. You would probably benefit from a counselor who can help you "normalize" the experience.

 

[Sinny91]

Why do you have a friend who has an interest in animal porn?

I judge a man by the company that he keeps.

I don't feel sorry for you at all, the clue is in the title, ANIMAL PORN.
Animals being raped by sadistic people.

If your truly sickened by it, you will not associate with that friend of yours - And I'd go further to investigate what else your friend in interested in. Animal Porn is a gateway for other forms of sadism.

 

[Redfire]

I'm glad to report I'm not in shock anymore. I still feel horrible, but it's not escalating anymore so the only logical conclusion is that it will diminish over time, so I have nothing to worry about. I also just made and ate some vegetable soup and my body handled it just fine. A couple of points:
1- I didn't masturbate to it, nor did any of my friends, it was just sort of a dare. Nobody liked it I think. We used to do stuff like that all the time, like watching the Nekromantik movies and thinking we were tough for doing that. But none of those things ever affected me.
2- The videos didn't involve abuse, but it was still disgusting. And I don't think an animal can agree to anything, so I would still classify it as abuse. Children can "consent" to have sex too, that doesn't mean it should be legal. That's the point: their minds aren't developed enough to consent. That's the whole point of a legal age of consent. So I think it should be illegal, and it actually is in most countries. Not looking to get into a discussion though, it's just a matter of opinion I guess.
3- I wouldn't actually kill anyone. It would however be kind of dangerous to give me any sort of political power right now I guess. I have a Dogville take on it: people who fuck dogs are rabid dogs themselves. Rabid dogs need to be either tamed or sacrificed. Animals can't consent, so animal sex is rape. Just like having sex with a child, even if the child "wants" to do it, is still rape.
4- EditorOne: that's a good point. In fact I can never in my life pretend to be as indifferent to everything as I thought I was.
5- I have many other friend groups, most of them considerably better. It serves me right for messing with things like that, nobody actually forced me to watch anything. I'll just be more careful in the future. I don't think watching more stuff like that to unsensitize myself would be a good idea at all, it's pretty simple to just avoid it.

Final thoughts: I was completely overwhelmed by feelings, my rational thinking compromised. I wasn't in control of my actions. And if it happened once it can happen again, so learning to manage my feelings would be a very good thing. I'm thinking of Zen meditation rather than therapy. I don't like therapists.

But I'll get better anyhow. Thanks for being there for me guys.

Why do you have a friend who has an interest in animal porn?

I judge a man by the company that he keeps.

I don't feel sorry for you at all, the clue is in the title, ANIMAL PORN.
Animals being raped by sadistic people.

If your truly sickened by it, you will not associate with that friend of yours - And I'd go further to investigate what else your friend in interested in. Animal Porn is a gateway for other forms of sadism.

Friend is a strong word I guess, it's not like I give a shit about them, or they give a shit about me. But I learned a lot from hanging out with lots of different people. One of my "friends" was racist. Like a real, convinced one. I'm half-jewish, and I still learned a lot of how his thinking works. I don't agree with him at all, of course, but he is not a complete moron. It's very interesting to me that someone who is able to think rationally and is actually kind of smart can arrive to such conclusions. The Nazis certainly had lots of capable people working for them.

I never thought ignoring what you don't like is a good approach at all, in anything. I'm making an exception because my stomach simply can't handle it, but if you don't agree with racist people, for example, simply not associating with them is not going to make you learn anything. You will just think they are mentally ill people not worth of any discussion. They are not. Again: I don't agree with them but some of the arguments are consistent. For example: Jews are profiting from the holocaust nowadays through government funding. There are many other ethnic groups that suffered genocides and they are barely being compensated at all. That is simply because Jews have more influence than say: armenians or gypsies. What I don't see is how that, or any of the things Israel does to Palestine, is my fault just for being born in a certain family.

Edit: also, I hadn't seen them in like 3 years. I did in fact stop seeing them. I didn't think hanging out once would make such a big impact. As a matter of fact I barely see anyone nowadays, but once upon a time I get in touch with some people.
And nobody should be killed, I know. I'm not a maniac. I'm just frustrated and taking it out on the forum.

 

[The Gopher]

Yeah give it a few days, go to website like https://www.reddit.com/r/eyebleach maybe...

If after a week it's still bad follow the advice of others.

I have to admit I'm kinda amused by what tmb is doing. You are the first person from this site that has talked about it and also been disgusted. I guess those that are disgusted don't talk about it often. Either way hope things get better!

 

[Ex-User (11125)]

Hey, I'm glad you're doing well high levels of disgust can lead to dysfunctional responses, but you had no trouble eating so i guess your reaction to what you saw was quite normal(i think what editorone wrote is pretty spot-on). If meditation can truly help you manage whatever intense emotions that are residue from that experience, then go for it.

 

[Redfire]

Yeah give it a few days, go to website like https://www.reddit.com/r/eyebleach maybe...

If after a week it's still bad follow the advice of others.

I have to admit I'm kinda amused by what tmb is doing. You are the first person from this site that has talked about it and also been disgusted. I guess those that are disgusted don't talk about it often. Either way hope things get better!

So does that make a wuss, or more sensitive, or both? :P

What is "tmb"?

Hey, I'm glad you're doing well high levels of disgust can lead to dysfunctional responses, but you had no trouble eating so i guess your response to what you saw was quite normal(i think what editorone wrote is pretty spot-on). If meditation can truly help you manage whatever intense emotions that are residue from that experience, then go for it.

Thanks. I think meditation is useful either way, I've been meaning to do it for a while to control my thoughts and maybe gain better focus when studying and working. It's just very hard to work it in my schedule since I'm back working again fulltime and being in uni.

 

[The Gopher]

Themanbeyond.

No I don't think it makes you a wuss or more sensitive. *although it might mean you are more sensitive. It just means you approach it from a different angle. Some people approch it from the OMG so shocking angle. Some the Lol what? The "that's so weird" or the curiosity angles... obviously you came in straight (dare style) and didn't like what you saw.

 

[TBerg]

I meditate every time I take a shower. I try to really focus on everything I am doing, each step of washing. I then take some minutes afterwards in stillness to focus on the thoughts that go through my mind. When I begin to take hold of them, I move towards saying "thank you" and "I love you" to the reality around me, and finish with something like an Islamic prostration. I then rinse with all cold water, which feels extremely refreshing. I try to focus on all of the sensations of the cold water hitting my body and just feeling it without resistance.

 

[Redfire]

Themanbeyond.

No I don't think it makes you a wuss or more sensitive. *although it might mean you are more sensitive. It just means you approach it from a different angle. Some people approch it from the OMG so shocking angle. Some the Lol what? The "that's so weird" or the curiosity angles... obviously you came in straight (dare style) and didn't like what you saw.

True. Yeah I didn't even read his posts, I don't want to watch anything else like that, ever. Especially not right now. It's not like I don't have better things to do anyhow.

I meditate every time I take a shower. I try to really focus on everything I am doing, each step of washing. I then take some minutes afterwards in stillness to focus on the thoughts that go through my mind. When I begin to take hold of them, I move towards saying "thank you" and "I love you" to the reality around me, and finish with something like an Islamic prostration. I then rinse with all cold water, which feels extremely refreshing. I try to focus on all of the sensations of the cold water hitting my body and just feeling it without resistance.

lol, did you just read my meditation post? I do the same thing. Except I shower with cold all the way through. I see the point of being grateful for being alive. Life is great, and we often only appreciate it when death is close. It's good to take a moment and be grateful.

 

[Sinny91]

I meditated in the shower last week. Almost fell off my feet and broke my neck

Not recommended lol.

 

[StevenM]

I'm glad your feeling better. I get that way quite a bit, so I understand how distressing that can be, with the strong feelings compromising rational thought. Scary shit.

Incidentally, I'm also looking into what I can learn from Zen as well.

 

[Redfire]

I meditated in the shower last week. Almost fell off my feet and broke my neck

Not recommended lol.

Haha, been there, done that. Just find a different position, maybe? What I call meditation is just letting thoughts and feelings pass, and not reacting to them. No one trained me or anything.

This is the position I use in the shower: http://www.modernjediknight.com/wpblog/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Anakin-Naboo.jpg

I guess it would be very silly if some one actually watched me, but no one does and I feel kind of cool.

I'm glad your feeling better. I get that way quite a bit, so I understand how distressing that can be, with the strong feelings compromising rational thought. Scary shit.

Incidentally, I'm also looking into what I can learn from Zen as well.

It's scary, yes.
If you find any useful beginner stuff, be sure to share it. I'll do the same.

 

[Sinny91]

Haha, been there, done that. Just find a different position, maybe?

This is the position I use in the shower: http://www.modernjediknight.com/wpblog/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Anakin-Naboo.jpg

Most showers in Britain come above the bath - and most our bath designers seem to think 1 & 1/2 feet is a decent width to lay in.. I often wonder how fat people must struggle in to get in them.. Then again, all the fat people I know have had their bath/showers replaced with walk in fat/disabled people showers.

Your stance is the stance I take at work - rules are strict at Burger King, I have to wash my hands every time I touch something none-food related. I actually have a nervous twitch in my left hand which means I'm always touching myself with it - only way to stop is to sit on my hand or take that pose where convenient.

My meditation usually consists of making myself aware of all the crappy thoughts floating around, reasoning with myself that absolutely nothing in this world is permanent, including my troubles, making myself aware of my biological functions (breathing, heartbeat), and then banishing the invading thoughts and sensations with silence - by that time I start seeing galaxies of colour appear behind my eye's and exploring the depths of everything and nothing.

 

[nanook]

https://youtu.be/0R-KD4-VoWU



https://youtu.be/HOuiI9N5miY

 

[TBerg]

Ours also has a tub underneath, Sinny. I meditate standing up. It really should not matter how you are situated when you meditate. It just matters that you can mediate.

 

[kora]

Why is everyone on this thread talking about cruelty towards animals and not cruelty towards human beings in the porn?

 

[PaulMaster]

Yep thats gross, alright.

Personally, I find that a good workout helps me realign myself properly. The more vigorous the more helpful in shaking things off.

Someone else said this and I am coming to agree with it as Im typing...I'd likely be suspicious of this "friend" for life. I would probably have a much different view of them, such that I wouldn't hang around them any more. Of course, the I... in me doesn't need much convincing to shorten my social circle. I know there's a difference between what someone jacks off to and what they do in reality. But I'd probably default to staying away until proven otherwise.

Generally speaking, I'm not opposed to deviant behavior. Hell, I find myself rooting for prison escapees. But there's a few behaviors that are fatal flaws. Fucking non-human animals is one of them.

 

[Brontosaurie]

Why is everyone on this thread talking about cruelty towards animals and not cruelty towards human beings in the porn?

Animals can't consent. Adult humans can. Also OP is about animal porn specifically.

 

[kora]

Hi Bronto *waves*
Animal porn implies people having sex with animals and not animals having sex with Other animals (otherwise it's natural geographic). So human beings are necessarily involved in this, so not off topic.

I have perhaps read too much Andrea Dworkin, and I have to admit I have a strong aesthetic/moral repulsion towards many kinds of pornography and prostitution In general, regardless of rational argument. Much coercion and psychological damage within the industry and the actors according to statistics. The few articles I have read on bestiality actresses seemed to talk of desperate circumstances and forced acts, traumatized etc... I have nothing against private bestiality provided the animal doesn't suffer (whether it is possible to determine this accurately is another matter). I suppose it is possible that someone would consent and desire to go on camera doing this for the world to see independently of coercive factors, financial or other. I find it hard to believe, but it is possible.

Anyway I guess I'm rambling and not really going anywhere with this now. It's just that upon reading the OP I thought his shock would derive from seeing a human being doing something he would find himself profoundly humiliating were he in their place, but maybe that was just projection on my part.

 

[Brontosaurie]

Hi Bronto *waves*
Animal porn implies people having sex with animals and not animals having sex with Other animals (otherwise it's natural geographic). So human beings are necessarily involved in this, so not off topic.

Yes.

I find it hard to get around the fact that many, many jobs are humiliating and that bestiality porn isn't some massive-scale industry that soaks up the poor and desperate. Rather it's a fringe business and a career that depends a lot on personal circumstances and choice. The market is so small that the freaks who actually enjoy fucking animals could suffice to satiate the demand. At least that's what i'd presume. Maybe the "lol look how weird porn i can find" meme is stronger than expected though.

 

[paradoxparadigm7]

the freaks who actually enjoy fucking animals could suffice to satiate the demand. .

What an assumption. It doesn't follow that those who enjoy animal sex will seek out getting paid for it. I enjoy sex with the opposite sex gender but I don't want to take part in a porn role. In fact, if I enjoyed beastiality, I'd take pains to hide that. The porn industry isn't some great place to combine your love of sex and get paid for it. For far too many it's an industry that takes advantage of dire circumstances and preys on the desperate. Not every porn actor is in this category but a good portion of them.

 

[Jennywocky]

Well, we also get into the legal aspects of such things.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zoophilia_and_the_law_in_the_United_States
Apparently Hawaii and Kentucky are bastions of beastiality, along with a few others states.

The chart showing comparing which states are legal/illegal for production vs ownership vs interstate commerce is further on down the page.


Oh, and hey, because words aren't enough:

Spoiler

 

[Brontosaurie]

What an assumption. It doesn't follow that those who enjoy animal sex will seek out getting paid for it. I enjoy sex with the opposite sex gender but I don't want to take part in a porn role. In fact, if I enjoyed beastiality, I'd take pains to hide that. The porn industry isn't some great place to combine your love of sex and get paid for it. For far too many it's an industry that takes advantage of dire circumstances and preys on the desperate. Not every porn actor is in this category but a good portion of them.

You're probably right. My conclusion was premature. But there's also this weird notion that porn is somehow unique with regards to exploitation, desperation and humiliation.

Meanwhile, as we speculate about the psychological well-being of the people involved, animal abuse is a clear-cut unambiguous component. This answers higs' question.

 

[paradoxparadigm7]

You're probably right. My conclusion was premature. But there's also this weird notion that porn is somehow unique with regards to exploitation, desperation and humiliation.

Meanwhile, as we speculate about the psychological well-being of the people involved, animal abuse is a clear-cut unambiguous component. This answers higs' question.

I disagree. We should be more concerned for the psychological well being of people. They are afterall the only species that abuses animals and humans alike. Therefore it's to everyone's benefit to focus on human abuse and exploitation.

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

I have perhaps read too much Andrea Dworkin, and I have to admit I have a strong aesthetic/moral repulsion towards many kinds of pornography and prostitution In general, regardless of rational argument.

I don't think there can be any rational argument made for it. Pornography and prostitution are often immoral and are based on exploitation of people unable to earn their living otherwise, or being coerced into participation.

Even for those cases of "willing" participants, it's most often that they were forced into making those decisions with their life situation due to lacking in both proper upbringing and understanding of the world.

Not to mention the problems of human trafficking that form a part of it.

 

[Brontosaurie]

I disagree. We should be more concerned for the psychological well being of people. They are afterall the only species that abuses animals and humans alike. Therefore it's to everyone's benefit to focus on human abuse and exploitation.

Isn't that semantics though? From the way you speak i infer that abuse of animals is included.

The thing is, i'm not saying you're wrong. My intention was just to answer higs' question. I doubt we're really in disagreement. Maybe we're in disagreement about whether we're in disagreement or not

 

[paradoxparadigm7]

Isn't that semantics though? From the way you speak i infer that abuse of animals is included.

The thing is, i'm not saying you're wrong. My intention was just to answer higs' question. I doubt we're really in disagreement. Maybe we're in disagreement about whether we're in disagreement or not

Lol, no we aren't in disagreement. Peace out, shalom, namaste and the like.

 

[RaBind]

Nature and reality itself is pretty fucked up and brutal regardless of human involvement. So far we're still at the stage of development of civilization where we're just looking out for ourselves for the most part.

The Utilitarian view conflicts with the Social Darwinian view, which one is a more valid representation of reality is up for debate. I'm not arguing that there's any ambiguity as to which one's image reality should be molded to imitate though. Can't have world peace as long as there's people willing to fight. Whether or not the reason for their desire/sense of obligation to fight is valid doesn't necessarily even matter.

 

[kora]

I find it shocking how little empathy people hold on behalf of the pornography actors they see. This is what disturbs me. It is like they are not watching real flesh and blood people, a lot of the time. Perhaps it is the screen. There is something about it, I am not sure what though. Anyway I guess I'll come back if I have something more substantial to say.

 

[Cherry Cola]

This has never happened to me before. Ever. There are tears in my eyes now, I haven't cried in over 10 years. I just can't get the stuff out of my head. I don't know what to do. Will this ever go away? That's all I care about right now. I'm sick and I want it to stop. I even thought about hypnosis to induce amnesia or something like that. I feel too weak to be really angry, but deep down that's also how I feel. I hate the guy who showed it to me, and most of all I hate the people involved in making that stuff. I literally hate them, I hope they are all executed.

I have never in my life been so unmanned and ashamed.

It will go away. I've had a similar experience and the godawful nauseated feeling lingered for days and I couldn't stop thinking about what I had seen and picturing it, but then went away. However, your feelings sound really intense, I suggest you talk to someone about it, do you have anyone you can open up to and who wont hold it against you? You don't need to go to a shrink, it is enough to find someone you can trust to take you seriously and not hold this against you. Just opening up to someone in person will usually provide relief because thats how social animals work. Edit: But judging from your more recent posts things seem okay now! lol need to not reply before reading through thread sry

 

[Redfire]

Yeah, I got over it, haven't thought about it in months. And now I know I need to avoid exposing myself to certain content.

 

[Solitaire U.]

I don't know about animal porn. I wouldn't watch it unless there was money involved.

BestGore had me believing I was jaded to every kind of human deprivation on the planet. I saw the drug cartel dude get beheaded with a chainsaw, no problem, saw all the videos made by the "3 men 1 hammer" killers, eh, disgusting but not a problem...

Until I stumbled on some obscure dashcam video. A car pulls to the side of the road (the car with the dashcam). In front of the car, a lady and her like 5 year old son are waiting to cross the street. The mother, stupidly not holding the kids' hand, starts to make a dash, then aborts when she sees it's not safe. The kid of course is looking at his mother, not the road, so he makes the dash too, gets a few feet in front of his mother (who is out of harm's way because she saw the danger). The mother tries to pull him back, screaming, you hear tires screeching off camera, then a taxi suddenly comes into view and just whallops the poor kid, who is standing frozen in its path. Knocks him a good 30 feet. The mother and taxi driver rush over to him, mother picks him up, but it's clear from his limp little body that he's dead. Mother wailing, trying to bring the kid to consciousness, taxi driver on his hands and knees crying on the road, just so much utter despair that it's almost beyond belief.

That shit will live with me always. Can't even imagine what it'd be like to have gone through it for the participants. Just living hell. Real, spontaneous human tragedy like that, especially involving little kids, makes Cartel shit (and the idea of animal porn) almost laughable in comparison.