Desperate to find my type (and myself) - Warning: long

[inFlux]

Warning: This post is super obnoxiously long and possibly whiny. Read at your own discretion. If you decide to read, I would really appreciate any insight you may have. I honestly just want some peace of mind and I don't know what else to do...

What if my life is completely f-ing horrible and I can't tell what type I am because I can barely pay rent and keep myself alive?

I'm trying to use MBTI as a tool for self-discovery to get myself out of this rut and find motivation. I just don't even know what I want to do anymore.

I've been going through all the different descriptions for "stressed versions"/inferior functions for greater insight, but my head is exploding and I just want to know now so that I can identify the issues within me and resolve them. N, S, F, and T all seem to fit me to some degree, sometimes equally between two of them (even after considering Te vs Ti, dominant vs. inferior etc). I have a hard time believing I'm so evolved that I'm capable of accessing of all these functions equally since I basically can't decide if I'm intelligent or fucking retarded.

On top of everything, I feel like I've changed a LOT over the past year. I had what you could call a spiritual awakening a little over a year ago and ever since then I've been devoted to life's greater purpose -- what we're here for, what I'm here for. Up to this point, you could say I was "kind of" curious about that stuff, but definitely pretty closed-minded about it. For example, I was truly initially intrigued by an elective in college about various mystical and spiritual practices, but then I withdrew from the course because I found the material annoying and not verifiable.

What changed? Well, I mentioned I was in college, right? Acid, shrooms, MDMA, weed...I feel like they fucked with my perceptions and maybe I'm still in the midst of incorporating all this new knowledge (even though I feel like I have a decent handle on it -- but of course I openly admit that I also have a lot to learn). For the record, I still smoke weed almost daily. It's hard to say what it really does for me. It makes me feel great, I feel like I have a greater connection to my surroundings, I'm calm, compassionate, and love to savor every moment. When I'm not high, I generally think a lot about how I'm going to make money which stresses me out to the point that I need to smoke weed.

I realize I sound like an idiot stoner, which again, is an option I'm open to. I just want to know the truth. At least then I'd know what I'm working with.

Oh, and my spiritual awakening came about 6 months after I had last dropped acid, so even though I received many interesting thoughts and insights (that piqued my curiosity to no end) while tripping, it wasn't like I was tripping at that moment. In fact, I was just a little bit stoned, went out for a walk, and connected with my surroundings like I never had before. It should be noted that my conscious effort during that walk was to cease all internal thinking. I had been reading "Be Here Now" (recommended by a friend) which was opening me up to these new ways of thinking (or not thinking).

Speaking of thinking, I've been told that I over-think things. Sometimes playing music would be a powerful force that I could feel from the great depths inside me, but most of the time I'm more in my head, thinking about what lick to play next. Those "powerful moments" typically come a lot easier when I'm on stage and I'm able to lose myself in the moment. It's just really f-ing hard to get there most of the time. This is pretty much what led me to try to stop thinking in my life so much in general. Then I discovered MBTI about a week ago, tested INFP/INTP (56% Thinking) and now I don't know what the fuck to think. I have a really hard time answering the questions objectively because I'm not sure if I really do the things the questions are asking or if I've convinced myself into thinking I am a certain way that I would like to be.

I've always been told I'm distant and unfeeling, but I've also had a couple girls say I can be effeminate. In relationships, I can feel like I have SO MUCH to give that I can't think of the words, so I just want to touch and taste and experience the girl in every sensory way possible, choosing to show her how I feel. I have a tendency to get attached easily, although ever since this "awakening" I've reconsidered that tendency and have been more conscious of my actual feelings towards girls instead of romanticizing them.

I always try my best in relationships, often sacrificing "alone time" and instead do what she wants. That said, I'd rather just stay in bed all day with her than go out a lot. I don't know. I don't know about relationships right now because the last relationship I had was before the drugs really took an effect (although she was the one that introduced me to them). I feel like I made a lot of mistakes and that in retrospect I could've been more considerate. I also yelled more than I am proud of. I feel like the worst person in the world after getting mad at my girlfriend. As a matter of fact, one of my girlfriends about 10 years ago told me that she wanted me to get mad when I was mad so that she would know how I felt. Her plan may have backfired...

I have a tendency to be sarcastic in my humor. I have noticed that this makes people upset, though, so I only use it when I'm sure the person I'm joking with knows me well. Instead of sarcasm, I'll try to re-word the joke into irony for others. Irony is actually better because it's nicer, but man, it feels good to be a sarcastic jerk sometimes. Most of my sarcasm is directed at peoples' intelligence. This is a major worry here for me -- I'm worried that this is somehow a reflection of the stupidity I don't see in myself. Is that how it even works?

I'm considering ISFP/INFP because I'm stressed out 24/7 so I'm relying on my Extraverted Thinking which makes me sound like an idiot. But the issue I have with completely committing to that is the fact that I've always loved logic and analysis..taking things apart, putting them back together. I did this as a kid all the time. I also taught myself to fix cars when I was a teen, an activity I still highly enjoy. I was also insanely good at computer programming. In 5th grade BASIC programming class, I created a full, graphic two-player "tank war" game while other kids were making word searches. I taught myself HTML at 14 (this was about when the Internet came out :P). I was always an outcast in school, only finding comfort in band class where I was the best trumpet player (I also played/still play piano and guitar). Among the band geeks, I was highly revered and well-liked. This made me act like an extrovert, always being goofy, making silly jokes (I still love puns)...but I still got retarded nervous around girls. And I had all my hair then, so what the hell, man...

I have a problem with small talk. Problem being, I think it's retarded. It sounds like Programmed Speech Patterns to me. Everyone always says the same goddamn things with the same stupid inflections to the point where I just don't even try anymore. On the occasions that I try to spark up a conversation about something random or relevant (both are good) people generally appear disinterested, changing the topic to something more boring and common. This kind of situation makes me feel like I'm an annoying dork even though I feel like I'm just trying to talk about something that is fucking halfway interesting. Then again, I suppose they could feel threatened by the conversation because it's not something they're comfortable with...?

Back to girls real quick. Approaching them is invariably an impossible scenario: "What would I even say??" I'm good looking enough to have had a few extremely attractive girlfriends, but most of them were through random online stuff (not dating sites). This also becomes a problem when I want to get laid. It basically just doesn't happen. Although, I'm also broke and have no real friends living in a city that I hate, so that doesn't help. Regardless, I've always been nervous, but I honestly think that has to do with the fact that if the girl and I ended up having nothing in common I would blame myself instead of that fact.

At this point, I feel like I could be almost any Introverted type, although I'm confident about the P as well, so it's either INTP, ISTP, ISFP, or INFP. I can see rationale in all of them, especially once you start factoring in inferior functions rising to the surface due to stress.

I just realized I didn't touch on many of my positive aspects. I think that's because my life is so fucked up right now and I really can't even see them. I'm sure that says something for my type (whatever it is) anyway.

I feel like once I have a firm understanding of who I am, then I will know better what to do -- how to get out of this mess. I want to understand my limits, my strengths, my weaknesses, etc. I just know that I can't do a 9-5. Honestly, if I didn't have a shit-ton of money on cosigned student loans with my parents, I would...man, I don't even know. That's another thing. I don't know what I want. I can list a bunch of things I want to do like...write a musical, write a film script, modify cars, drive cars fast, photography, learn computer programming, and last but not least ...understand all the mysteries of the universe, but none of those things make any money! Not to mention the fact that I feel no need to write a musical or a script if I have nothing to actually say.

I'm still obsessed with spirituality, although I've recently shifted this focus to more of a psychological/philosophical/biological nature. It's funny, I grew up Christian (although I never believed any of it, thinking it just didn't make any f-ing sense whatsoever), then had this awakening...went through buddhism/religion research, some philosophy...now more psychological stuff...the funny thing is that it all seems like the same damn thing. I notice that everything in Christianity, Buddhism, whatever -- there are always parallels between these that makes me want to slap Christians and say "IT'S A METAPHOR." I really do think spirituality is just a biological/psychological/natural occurrence. Of course, this is just my current working theory and is subject to change at any point, should I learn something to the contrary (or get slapped). So I'm definitely fine with being wrong about shit. I just want to know what's right!

The last thing I could mention is my thoughts throughout the day. Well, I guess this post is pretty much what I think about everyday...who I am, where I'm going, what I'm doing...I'm always trying out new ways of thinking, seeking ultimate truth and finite answers. I just want some peace and quiet, though.

I know this post is a huge mess; it's not exactly like me to vent my feelings on a forum, nor is it commonplace with people in my life, except one Very Important Friend - a figure I feel I've always had to have in my life. It gets hard with her, though, because I don't want to burden her with everything. Also, it would embarrass me if I ended up saying something that made me sound stupid to her. That's why I came here.

 

[Da Blob]

That's the problem with egocentrism. If one isn't careful all of the stuff one has orbiting about one's Self on strings, can make one hell of a snarl, if one stops spinning them or one's Self grows into their orbital paths.

Growth is often a messy process, the shedding of a skin, the building or appropriation of a new shell, being encompassed by a cocoon of one's own making, etc.

Although, there is mention of confusion, despair does not yet seem to be a factor, so there is hope, which is a very good state.

Expanding one's consciousness is a frightening process for most people, so they avoid it and the thought that goes into it, hence the small talk. There is very little thought involved in small talk, which makes it extremely popular.

What to Do? What to do!

acquire wisdom...

By three methods we may learn wisdom:
First, by reflection, which is noblest;
Second, by imitation, which is easiest;
and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
Confucius

Prepare for a number of possible futures, not just one
keep your options open for as long as possible
Especially with your relationships

From a distance, it seems as if the stress you are experiencing is being caused by changes in your self and not the environment, which is usually the case with stress. You have power over these internal changes, perhaps to a greater degree, than the external changes in the environment - remember that the next time one is feeling 'stressed out' and starts reaching for some pot.

All drugs are dangerous! simply because the line between drug use and drug abuse is invisible, and a person who has been legitimately 'self-medicatiing' has no realistic method for determining when that line has been crossed. One pretty much needs to limit drug use to a few occasions a month, as a preventative measure.

If one actually needs drugs to cope with the mundane stress of everyday life, then a professional needs to be consulted, but usually drugs such as pot just make things a bit easier and can be set aside. They often need to be set aside for this reason, One has to learn... One has learn how to cope, how to deal with the opposite sex, how to deal with society and perhaps how to deal with one own self, whatever or whoever that turns out to be - the consciousness provided by drugs is not the best conscious state for learning...

Don't worry, be happy!
If, in ten years time your life is still a mess, you will have cause to be concerned, but here in Western civilization we have prolonged adolescence. All you have to do is when required to think and behave like an adult, you are willing and able to do so, even temporarily...

 

[Mello]

I have nothing to contribute, but I think you're INTP.

 

[kora]

You tested INTP slightly more than INFP? You sound absurdly like me, and I'm INT/FP, minus the drug use and the spiritual experience. Oh. And you're a guy. As for help well... I doubt the MBTI test will really help you. I suppose you can look at suitable careers for that type, but it's all very general. To be honest, I'm basically as lost as you. Apparently internet tests aren't that accurate, and a real test is with a psychologist or something? You could try that if you're really bent on knowing...

 

[pjoa09]

INTP. Try Spinoza. Helps cure spirituality.

Won't help knowing you are an INTP other than you come to confrontation that you suck at what you suck at. That on it's own is quite a revelation. Helps cut off quite a few choices.

 

[EvilBlitz]

I think you sound a shit load like me. I test as INT P/J. 3 times INTP, once INTJ.

Replace the music with sports, particularly soccer, and take the trips out and just add more weed. I think my thought seems more introverted than yours though based on your story.

Hmm. If you are stressed 24/7 I am a lot as well. I suggest fitness and keeping it up. It helps with controlling emotions in general I find.

Since you are INFP leaning, that might explain all your hobbies you seem good at. I am too lazy to get good at too many things like that.

Have you ever thought about being a music tutor or such? 1 on 1, you get to organise the time, it is flexible, you earn money. Since it is 1 on 1 you wont get burned emotionally as hard like being a teacher at a school.
You get to keep your hobbies while further developing your skills and giving yourself a purpose.

 

[EvilBlitz]

Come to think of it, you sound like you could be like Adam Jones

 

[Maturin]

This post won't help you a bit, but what I did was join a cult for 7 years when I was in your shoes LOL.

I did benefit, a lot, and at the "peasant" level, we all loved each other and had a lot of fun. Of course, eventually I was promoted above my level of competence, and then I got to see a glimpse of the foul underbelly of the beast the cult really was, hidden from view, and that ruined it all for me and I had to leave. But it DID help me grow, and I did learn one thing that has always stuck with me: when you feel terrible, figure out how to help someone else - it lifts you out of it.

So, for example, you could volunteer to help at an animal shelter, or at a homeless shelter - for a while, for however long it works for you - and this would help you "get outside yourself".

I SAID this post would be no help LOL!!!

 

[Reluctantly]

99% of posters don't know what they are talking about when they use mbti functions; Jung has way better epistemology, but most posters seem biased in using mbti, even if it contradicts Jung in many ways and utilizes many and highly subjective descriptions.

Self growth comes from recognizing and facing your weaknesses and being willing to recognize and throw away cognitive biases about the world and yourself should they be a source of bad faith. If type can help you do that, then fine, but the types have epistemological flaws that exist in all types of reason, so please don't become another lemming that can't toy with the idea of types without accepting it; they are the ones who try to tell everyone what the types are without considering how it can be relative to the reason used to justify them.

That said, good luck. It'll be interesting to see if you become the type of person I've described, should you stick around.

 

[Maturin]

99% of posters don't know what they are talking about when they use mbti functions; Jung has way better epistemology, but most posters seem biased in using mbti, even if it contradicts Jung in many ways and utilizes many and highly subjective descriptions.

Yup, I agree. I know I'm an INTP, and I know now far better how to be true to my own clarity of thinking, but I don't understand the MBTI functions at all.

I do think Jung was a true master, and I would prefer to really understand this stuff from the Jungian point of view, not the shallower MBTI categorizing.

Where could I go to read about the Jungian epistemology and insight that would be condensed enough I could get through it in the limited time I have for extra-curricular activities?

Maybe this would be more helpful to the poster, also.

 

[Maturin]

99% of posters don't know what they are talking about when they use mbti functions; Jung has way better epistemology, but most posters seem biased in using mbti, even if it contradicts Jung in many ways and utilizes many and highly subjective descriptions.

Yup, I agree. I know I'm an INTP, and I know now far better how to be true to my own clarity of thinking, but I don't understand the MBTI functions at all.

I do think Jung was a true master, and I would prefer to really understand this stuff from the Jungian point of view, not the shallower MBTI categorizing.

Where could I go to read about the Jungian epistemology and insight that would be condensed enough I could get through it in the limited time I have for extra-curricular activities?

Maybe this would be more helpful to the poster, also.

 

[Moocow]

@Maturin
From what little I've read by him, Jung was a terrible writer. His explanations did not convince me that he himself knew what he was talking about, although for all practical intents the model was there.

 

[Melkor]

I don't think MBTI has ever really improved anyones life outside of giving them a vague(often unrealistic) hint of what job they might enjoy and in the interpersonal sense that there's a tiny chance you might understand other people better if you correctly identify their type.

In terms of self discovery it's somewhat useless.
I mean, the horribly inaccurate systems of typing usually mean it's wrong anyway.

 

[nedenom]

99% of posters don't know what they are talking about when they use mbti functions; Jung has way better epistemology, but most posters seem biased in using mbti, even if it contradicts Jung in many ways and utilizes many and highly subjective descriptions.

Self growth comes from recognizing and facing your weaknesses and being willing to recognize and throw away cognitive biases about the world and yourself should they be a source of bad faith. If type can help you do that, then fine, but the types have epistemological flaws that exist in all types of reason, so please don't become another lemming that can't toy with the idea of types without accepting it; they are the ones who try to tell everyone what the types are without considering how it can be relative to the reason used to justify them.

Well, said, I might be one of the 99%, but I consider MTBI almost play, having fun trying to categorise the uncategorisable, with a type system of intriguing simplicity and complexity. But what the MTBI can do, is spark an interest to learn more about the psychological theories behind it and how they can be applied to oneself for the purpose of self growth.

As for online tests, answering a single question "wrong" might tip one over from the INTP category to the INTJ category. I have done that myself. Why so desperate over finding your four letter combination? I thought the idea behing the MTBI is how to break out of categories, not get into them.