This story has potential, but you have fallen into the trap that my own writing did several years ago: it comes off more like an essay explaining things than a story of things happening. Perhaps this is an INTP thing, but you are writing this like you're trying to explain all these ideas to me, like you're pitching this idea to me rather than writing it down. I've recently been going over my own novel that I wrote a few years back and seeing the exact same thing there and have been trying to correct this in my own writing. It's difficult to know you're doing this when writing it, because
you have such a clear picture of it in your mind, but you need to keep the reader in mind while writing.
That being said, I hope you are thick skinned, because I have a lot of (hopefully constructive) criticism.
It was over. They were now coming for him in massive numbers; their countless faces stiff, unemotional, and relentless.
Too much telling, not enough showing. Starting a story with the line "It was over" is both vague (what "it" is exactly over?) and doesn't catch attention. I suggest starting with action, and remember to appeal to the five senses. Try something like (off the top of my head):
Thunderous footsteps reverberated through his body as the earth seized beneath his feet, causing the jagged stones to dig into his flesh. John huddled against the wall in the shade of the tunnel, the smell of cinder wafting coldly over his trembling body, praying to whoever may be listening that it would supply enough refuge from the relentless soldiers.
Now, I'm not going to say that what I wrote is genius (or even that it portrays exactly what you imagined), but what I attempted to do was:
1. Show the reader what the character is sensing. Try to appeal to all 5 senses (what is the character feeling (footsteps, jagged stones)? Smelling (cinder)? Hearing (thunderous footsteps)? etc)
2. Establish the setting right away, so the reader can picture this happening.
3. Do as much as possible with as few adjectives as possible. One verb is worth a hundred adjectives.
The only escape now was to crawl into a deep hole in the side of a large hill, desperately hoping for some form of refuge amidst the thick, gloomy fog which lay all around.
Once again, telling me what the only escape is doesn't interest me.
Show me that this is the characters only option. Have them desperately try to escape and I, as the reader, will pick up on the fact that this is their only escape.
How is this screeching affecting the character? Maybe try something like:
The violent screeches tore at Johns ears and clung to his thoughts like venomous spiders.
their cold, soulless eyes frantically pierced through the mist and the darkness like searching arrows in the bleak opaque;
I think it was Kurt Vonnegut who said that a book should never use a semicolon. I generally find this good advice, as semicolons give off the atmosphere of technical writing.
Also, as Snafupants said, the redundant explanations (cold soulless eyes, bleak opaque) only slow down the action.
gathering now in large numbers, they began shooting around the entrance in swooping motions, like a swarm of millions of bees through a single opening, all lusting for the kill.
The questions that come to my mind at this point is: where is this character? How is he seeing all of this? How does he know that this is all going on? I don't get a good sense of where this character is, what their situations is like, or what the setting is like that all this is taking place.
Just like your first sentence, this one is far too vague and ultimately adds nothing to the story. If you paint the picture of it being too late (showing me how close these screeching soldiers are from the characters POV) then as the reader I can pick up on how it was too late without you having to explicitly tell me that it's too late.
They were now closing in.
How close are they? How does this affect the main character? What is the character actually sensing (5 senses)?
The tunnel suddenly stopped at a dead end and he felt the dreadful fear surge throughout his entire body,
"the dreadful fear" is sort of strange wording. Also, once again, as Snafupants pointed out,
dreadful fear is sort of redundant. Try something more concrete like:
the end of the tunnel materialized mockingly from the shadows as fear bubbled up from the pit of johns stomach and rampaged through him like a swarm of insects.
utterly petrified of the moments yet to come. But just before the demons descended upon him with all their malice and sick, cold and lustful calculation, something happened.
Once again, a lot of redundancies. Show me the demons malice, don't just say they have malice - that's too abstract. Creative writing (non-technical writing) should be concrete, so that I can get into the character, so I can empathize with them and feel what they are feeling.
“Get up, John!” rung a sudden voice, ripping through the hazy mist and terrors of a dark dream that had frequently kept the young man from peaceful sleep all night.
That's a lot of information put into one sentence. You could use a lot of dialogue (much more interesting to read) to establish that this is a dream that John had a lot and that it causes him a lot of grief. Also, the description of the dream has already established that it was dark and hazy, it doesn't need to be reiterated here.
With a look of deep fright, he suddenly shot up, sweating profusely with quick, deep pants—a mixture of both subtle relief and numbing shock,
This would have been a good sentence to put right after "Get up, John!"
Try:
"Get up, John!"
With a look of deep fright, he suddenly shot up, sweating profusely with quick, deep pants—a mixture of both subtle relief and numbing shock...
This starts us off with some action and helps maintain interest, rather than giving us the info dump in your original version.
as it had all been a dream; it wasn’t real.
This is redundant. The reader can already pick up on the fact that it was a dream when we saw that John woke up.
.