Common Relationship Roadblocks for TP Types

[Double_V]

http://personalityjunkie.com/08/intp-entp-istp-estp-relationships-common-roadblocks/

What do you think? Anything resonate for you?

 

[Brontosaurie]

yes pretty much all of it. i am aware of these issues but it's hard to change what feels true.

 

[Pizzabeak]

No. I think I'm INFP or ISFJ.

 

[mrrhq]

No. I think I'm INFP or ISFJ.

Maybe reading it helped you to understand TP types more.

As for me, I did relate to it. One comment said it helped him. It didn't really help me at all in the slightest. For me it was just an explanation of things I seem to already know about myself.

it's hard that I can't change who I am.

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

If the basis for emotions is rational, in that I can understand what led to the emotions, then when these emotions are present it is only possible for me to perform damage control and minimise the overall loss.

The whole repair occurs after the emotional response has calmed down, which is something many people cannot understand when they get emotional.

What alternative there is to waiting until the emotional state ends in another person?
Getting emotional yourself?
I have tried reasoning and it doesn't work when people are heated up/elevated.

Best I have seen work is to maintain a perfect state, so that there is no personal fault that would be the reasonable explanation of emotions in that person, so when they get emotional in a negative way it is not because of my fault of any sort.

The perfect state is not perfect by every means, but successful problem solving together could be the key component in relationships.

The problem is I have been called out on being unemotional and cold more than once and even when my conduct is alright, I still am criticised for not being something else, but I interpret it as something difficult (impossible?) to achieve on their whim.

 

[Lot]

Everything, but the concealed thoughts thing made sense. That part seemed to not capture my thinking at all. It's almost offensive that it was even said. Like, I've sat and nodded my head when people are talking while I'm not paying attention. Not necessarily because I don't care. My thoughts wander sometimes. That doesn't mean they are annoying me. And I'll admit that it's rude. So when I catch myself I ask if they can repeat it. When I get a flood of info, I need time to process it or I won't retain it. (I'm actually mad at the insinuation of that section.)

 

[redbaron]

I relate to most of the article, although I don't really think like this:

"There she goes being irrational again. Another emotional rant.”“I’m really not interested in what she is saying right now, I wish I could escape and do something else.”
“She is so needy and demanding. I wish she would just leave me be for a while.”

I guess I'll just have to settle for the fact that it's meant to be an example, although that whole section of the article didn't make that much sense to me.

This fear is typically rooted in deeper fears, such as the fear of being alone, of being rejected or unlovable, or of being unneeded.

I agreed with this part I guess. I became a lot more communicative in relationships when I stopped using them as a measuring stick.

As for the rest, although I loosely relate I think the whole thing is more about the insecurities of people in general than it is necessarily about TP types. Specifically this sounds like something present in a large majority of relationships I've witnessed:

“If I tell her how I really feel, will she still love me or want to be with me?”

Which I think is a pointless line of thinking anyway. If someone stops loving you when you express your actual personality, they're not much of a partner to begin with.

What alternative there is to waiting until the emotional state ends in another person?
Getting emotional yourself?

Being supportive?

 

[Architect]

Yes, many of those.

First part, fantasizing about relationships. Women were an abstract concept to me until 18 or 19, when I had to reconcile with the reality of actually being with one. Before that I'd have girls ask me out and we'd get one date, as they were with somebody who was somewhere else probably.

Second part about thinking and communication, yes exactly. I still have that problem. Passive aggressiveness too. If she does something I don't like I'll go off and come up with some passive aggressive solution. Stupid, juvenile and ineffective. I try to keep an eye on it.

 

[Jennywocky]

Identified with these kinds of things:

Spoiler

TPs with sufficient dating experience come to realize just how challenging relationships can be and may at some point come to doubt that they (or any prospective partner) have what it takes to sustain a deeply meaningful relationship. Since TPs, especially ITPs, are disposed to developing a bipolar, love-hate relationship with their Fe, they often exhibit the same bipolarism (i.e., idealism vs. nihilism/cynicism) toward their relationships.

In ENTP and INTP relationships, it is not only Fe that contributes to relational doubt, but also their Ne imagination. As with other things, Ne is adept at envisioning numerous ways in which the relationship could potentially fail. NTPs may worry, for instance, that it is only a matter of time before their partner will start trying to control or make excessive demands of them. INTPs, in particular, may be terrified of compromising their cherished independence and autonomy. Unfortunately, while their Fe, Ne, and Ti may contribute to a perfect brainstorm of fears and concerns, NTPs are often reluctant to reality test their hypotheses. Namely, they may fail to express their fears and concerns to their partners in order to determine whether they are well-founded.

One reason TPs may fail to communicate their thoughts in relationships is a concern for hurting their partner’s feelings. ...TPs may be less worried about their partner’s feelings than they are their own discomfort with navigating emotional situations. Their real fear may involve feeling ill-equipped to effectively handle emotionally sensitive situations.

Another reason TPs may fear expressing their relational concerns is the fear of saying something that will jeopardize the relationship (e.g., “If I tell her how I really feel, will she still love me or want to be with me?”). This fear is typically rooted in deeper fears, such as the fear of being alone, of being rejected or unlovable, or of being unneeded.

... by assuming that the display of strong emotions is irrational, they close themselves to the possibility that there may be a rational basis for the emotional response, even if they fail to see it upfront.... What is most curious is the fact that this process often occurs entirely internally, in the TPs’ mind. In the meantime, TPs may outwardly feign participation in the conversation in order to avoid escalating the conflict and to preserve their “nice guy” (or girl) persona.

The last one, I've worked through to a large degree and I actually remember bringing it up on THIS forum -- I've seen people assume that if someone else is speaking strongly or "sounds emotional," then their logic is automatically negated or suspect, but that's not necessarily true at all. It's a faulty judgment brought on by bad experiences and/or mistrust/distrust of emotions or even the veneer of emotion.

I actually also do fear both things -- hurting another person's feelings + being inadequate emotionally to support them the way I want and also don't want to be incompetent/look bad.

@RedBaron: the examples you mentioned above? I don't really think so bluntly about others, but I admit to having those "feelings" sometimes during a conversation. I'm just mentally quick internally to recognizing them for what they are. But I definitely have those thoughts come up if I feel like someone is wasting my time and sapping my energy/focus; I just don't apply them to all emotional communication across the board, because a lot of interaction is legitimate. I remember being far less nuanced about it as a teenager and having bad reactions against any kind of emotional convo, which was unfair of me but just where I was.

....

gotta ask, how much of the stuff there is still experienced by non-TP types, though. That's the problem with generalizations.

 

[Architect]

gotta ask, how much of the stuff there is still experienced by non-TP types, though. That's the problem with generalizations.

I think it's useful to look at it on a scale. Most or all people fantasize relationships, but perhaps TP's do it worse. Consider my example, other kids my age were in serious relationships but I was still in my head at 19, that has to be unusual.

 

[gypster]

interesting read. definitely resonates with me. in fact, i find myself recalling distinct scenes from the past as i parse the site.

it used to be that i had something to prove, which would lead to a mishandling of my emotions. but only because i never took the time to think about the other side of things, causing a standstill in whatever it was that caused it in the first place.

at some point, i realized "fuck it". say my piece, hear the other piece, acknowledge what's true from both pieces, and move on.

 

[redbaron]

gotta ask, how much of the stuff there is still experienced by non-TP types, though. That's the problem with generalizations.

Ya, that's what I was getting at. I think a lot of people probably have those underlying thoughts during a heated disagreement with someone. It's part of what fuels most misunderstandings in the first place.

"This person is being irrational/over-emotional" is hardly a TP exclusive thought.

Other kids my age were in serious relationships but I was still in my head at 19, that has to be unusual.

Not really. Depends on culture.

 

[Double_V]

Man oh man, it's not like I am ignoring my own thread - you all made such good points.

My brain seems to be holed up in non speak central. Maybe I'll feel like talking in the next week... but this article really struck a cord for me.

 

[Oddity]

Consider my example, other kids my age were in serious relationships but I was still in my head at 19, that has to be unusual.

Eh, I'm 24 and still haven't gotten out of my head or had a relationship.

 

[toosolidcuuj]

I don't think it matters whether you've been in a romantic relationship or not. I find that relationship dynamics serve to describe any familial relations. I've never been in a serious romantic relationship, but I think that post helps describe my relationship to my parents.

 

[Double_V]

I don't think it matters whether you've been in a romantic relationship or not. I find that relationship dynamics serve to describe any familial relations. I've never been in a serious romantic relationship, but I think that post helps describe my relationship to my parents.

Agreed. This was a more universal article.

 

[Double_V]

Yes, many of those.

First part, fantasizing about relationships.

That part was interesting to me as well. I can think of a few movies that appeal to me for the same reason. One that stands out is The Magic of Ordinary Days. It's a sort of soft and loving warmness that I think TP's might be drawn to, at least intellectually, rather RL.

Or maybe it's just me, because I prefer T's...

Second part about thinking and communication, yes exactly. I still have that problem. Passive aggressiveness too. If she does something I don't like I'll go off and come up with some passive aggressive solution. Stupid, juvenile and ineffective. I try to keep an eye on it.

*Sigh* This was the stand out point for me in the article. For myself it was a bit .. difficult ... to read... because I know it's true. And I never saw it that way.

I'll be honest here. I've been married forever to a man who I believe has Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder, a text book case. He was so good at it, and I was such an optimist & logical people pleaser was I that bought into it. It was good enough to be plausibly deniable - until it got to be bold face ridiculous. I had to learn to use new communications & restraint to try to retrain essentially myself.

Do you know how hard it is to not be Passive Aggressive to someone is being Passive Aggressive with you? It's very hard, and takes a lot of conscious effort. Not easy when you are a detached N in the first place, and a T thinking 'Why would anyone act this way on purpose, it's illogical?'.

I'm not done with this yet. This was just my off hand thoughts.

Edit: Another thought, it would be easy to be passive aggressive dealing with an INFJ. They constantly cross other peoples bounaries. My son is an INFJ, I often feel like I am being herded, often in spaces or topics that are none of his business. And he is relentless about.