Coming off as offensive

[ddspada]

It happens to me once in a while when speaking and all too often when writing: people will very quickly (sometimes within less than one minute) consider me rude, and often verbally express as much (which I'm thinking is a sign of them thinking I'm really rude). It is only extraordinarily rarely when I do mean to deliberately sound and come off as rude, though. Sugarcoating my words often seems to prevent the problem altogether, but it feels uncomfortable and non-genuine -- very much so.

When the offended person is not very relevant to my life, I can usually apologize, (which isn't really any more comfortable or genuine) though many folks will not accept the apology, and move on. However, dealing with the situation when the offended party is a person in (some) authority (teachers, professors, elder family members) is quite the ordeal when the person becomes resentful...

Do you find yourself unwillingly or unknowingly offending people? Do you care? How do you deal with people who think you're rude/insensitive and whom you are forced to interact with?

I suspect this has much, much to do with inferior Fe.
What's a healthy way to integrate Fe into writing or speech so as to prevent this? Is it even worth it in your experience?

 

[Grayman]

In real life I am never rude and rarely if ever offend people. I suppose, lately, I have been suffering from bitterness and irritation, maybe some kind of disappointment, that has brought my patience down to nothing with everyone and I have been abrasive. It is hard to admit an issue since in the past I have always been a person of great patience and tolerance.


Do you have examples or specific topics that were being discussed during their offense? Are you criticizing or feel they are feeling they are inadequate in some way while you speak to them? What do you think the issue is?


How to integrate Fe.... how good are you at seeing things from their perspective? From their perspective how would you feel about what you are about to say?

 

[ddspada]

I don't wish to justify my MO if it's improvable; I want to improve. Be merciless, if need be, in pointing out what the issue is. Although this hasn't really caused me any significant trouble, it's in my interest to uproot it (or learn how to) as swiftly and healthily as possible.

Yes, some examples would probably make things easier to address:

Example 1

Spoiler

Recently, in a Philosophy History class, the ESFJ professor was referencing Plato's view on the immortality of the soul, claiming it to be a "perfect, undoubtable" theory. She herself believes in reincarnation in more or less the same way Plato did. Regardless, she invited us to present any questions or possible counter-arguments.

Many of my classmates went ahead and presented their doubts and their views on why Plato's theory isn't waterproof. I partook in the discussion (raising my hand, even) and said that the way in which he presents his reasoning in Phaedo has some logical oversights. I also said that Plato's theory is not perfect insomuch that Aristotle was the one who had a more accurate view on the subject (he thought semen had something to do with transmitting a rational soul to the child, whereas Plato believed that the soul is immortal and may inhabit as many bodies as it wants to). We have some evidence for Aristotle's view but none for Plato's, at least in this sense: we know how sperm works, but have no evidence whatsoever of the existence of a soul, much less how it may behave.

As soon as I had finished speaking I realized she was ticked off, and came to understand why in a couple of seconds. I stated my point of view after she explicitly asked to share our thoughts, but what I said went in a completely opposite direction from what she had just said. I realized instantly why she was (and still somewhat is) salty/angry at me, but as I was speaking nothing of the sort even crossed my mind.

A couple of other people said similar things as I did, but I don't see her having perceived anybody else as rude. Now THAT is what I don't understand. I tried to explain my point as clearly as possible, having no intention whatsoever of offending the professor (for all that pertains to me, she can believe whatever she wants!) but I came off as rude and other people didn't (or at least I interpret her behaviour toward me as a result of having seen my demeanor as rude). In retrospect, YES, having used "softeners" so as to diminish the apparent magnitude of my disagreement with her would have felt borderline hypocritical.

Example 2

Spoiler

I don't enjoy family time much at all. My family recognizes that, and is overall cool with me not spending too much time with them at all. I'd much rather read a novel, comedy, articles on epistemology, MBTI/Socionics or binge-watch South Park on DVD than watch a two-hour football game on TV, or play Trivial Pursuit. Every once in a while I'll join in, sure, but more often than not what they want to do together is not my cup of tea.

Somehow I get this a lot (not in absolute but in relative terms): people my own age will ask me what I like to do, to which I'll reply that I enjoy reading, biking, origami or whatever pastime I may be entertaining at the moment. Many will then ask me what I do with my family (some have said that their motivation for asking that is a) that I'm intelligent -- which I don't consider myself to be to start off with, b) that it's interesting to know what intelligent people do with their families. When I say what my situation is, and that I don't mind it being that way, I come off as rude, and some people outright say it to my face in person. Not saying the truth, however, feels wrong quite fundamentally. I like to think of myself as someone who seeks truth; telling lies to someone's face is incompatible with who I want to believe that I want to be.

Example 3

Spoiler

I drive everyday to college and freely offered, at the beginning of the semester, to carpool anybody to and from campus if the route I take was convenient for them. In case of any emergencies or accidents (or just to be able to tell them in advance if I won't make it to school that day) I like to have the phone number of everybody whom I carpool with, and proceed to save their number(s) on my cell phone and give the number(s) to my parents. Incidents have occurred, and I want to err on the side of being safe as far as that goes.

When a particular classmate overheard my offer to carpool up to four other people, she approached me for that purpose. After explaining why I would like to have her number, I asked her for it in an upfront, direct manner (I saw and still see no clear reason to ask otherwise). She flinched and more or less jokingly accused me of being harsh and overly distrusting. She did give me her number, and she does ride in my car (I have no real motive to not allow her to). For a good three weeks, she was not comfortable around me at all, though not particularly tense or upstrung either, mind you.

Sometimes I *can* tell why the person felt offended by the way I said what I said, but it is only very seldom that can I identify whether the source of offense was the thing itself that I said. Independently, when and if I recognize that what I've said offended someone, it's after I receive input from the other person. I can't with any noteworthy accuracy predict whether something will be perceived as rude by someone (as long as my intention was not to be deliberately rude, of course).

Putting myself in another person's shoes is a squirrelly topic for me altogether. I *think* that I wouldn't be offended if I heard someone else say what I say in the way that I say it, but I'm usually not off-put by clear, cut-and-dry language when it comes up. Now, I also think that I'm not thinking straight: were I viewing the situation as per the offendee's perspective, I would probably feel odd at the very least, if the actual offendee feels offended. It seems to me that the element that will allow my perspective to shift to someone else's is either missing or just very difficult to exercise.



...Any thoughts are welcome.

 

[OrLevitate]

i didn reed but you're a faggot.

black people dont have to smile. they dont have to be sensitive. why u ask? perception relative to cultural stereotype. lil wayne dont give a fuck, no buddy assumes he give a fuck, no body care. gg

 

[Pyropyro]

Sometimes people see our aloofness as arrogance. It's like "hey it matters to me! It should matter to you!"

I think humor usually helps getting people off my back but I do still commit the cold Ti analysis that freaks/offends some people.

 

[The Gopher]

Express emotion. No seriously how could I possibly offend you you useless idiot xD I could probably call you all kinds of hateful things with the correct facial expression signifying humor you twat! :P So smile open eyes facially dance if you can manage the effort.

So Pyro has the reason (cold objective based communication) I have an answer.

Please note I don't emote to hide insults simply to convey I'm joking or a happy person or that it's not supposed to be offensive just in case it might be.

 

[Jennywocky]

Example 1: She shouldn't have responded the way she did based on your description, so if she was offended, either she's got an issue herself OR it was the "way that you said it" that came off as legitimately offensive, since you said other classmates presented similar views but none ticked her off. However, you did not really describe here "how" you said it. If I had to guess, it would be this latter thing -- you likely focused on the details of your argument without any real perception of the context of the discussion or of the teacher's demeanor and making it mesh so that she read you as simply raising another viewpoint.

Also, are you sure she was offended at you in particular, or whether maybe all the counterpoints ended up having a cumulative effect on her mood and you just happened to be the last person in the chain? Just considering all the possibilities....


Example 2: There's nothing you have described that helps me understand why others are calling you rude. So either they are the ones who are confused OR you didn't include relevant information (your tone of voice, the words you used, how you referred to your family in the actual conversation) that would explain adequately why they thought you were rude.


Example 3: It's possible she sees you are overly demanding. I can see the logic in your request, but it's also a bit invasive, and again if your demeanor isn't conveying a casualness or understanding if someone balks, then you could be read as demanding and insensitive.


IOW, I suspect that "the devil is in the details". Your examples all focus (as expected) on the conceptualized descriptions of these conflicts, without a tangible, specific transcript of the things you actually said and tone of voice/context. The latter is harder to provide, sure, but I suspect you are missing the entire social subtext of the interactions and it is rubbing others the wrong way.


---


As far as whether you should care?

Well, you can't be someone different from who you are. You can improve your social skills, but you also have to be you. However, it sounds like "being you" is also causing you some problems.

So you get to decide whether you think the problems you face are frustrating enough for you that you would like to avoid them. If so, then you can learn other ways to interact and then have that "tool" to use when you're engaging someone.

As far as 'sugarcoating' words -- that term is kind of offensive in itself. You can change how you speak to people without it being duplicitous, lying, or "feeding them something empty" just to manipulate them into accepting you.

People are all different and each has different things they view as important to them. For you, it seems to be logic. But why is that more important than someone else's priorities? Logic/Truth is a good thing and should be a priority in some contexts, but there are other "good things" in the world as well. It's a matter of prioritizing what is most helpful in a particular situation. Showing consideration for another person's priorities is not always a bad or demeaning or irrelevant thing, especially if your goal is to foster a connection with them or you simply happen to care about them as a person.

 

[Grayman]

I will post my opinion in a bit but first...

How would you describe your own feeelings? Do you question thier existence or do you feel they are inferior and should be ignored, something else?

Imagining how you would feel in someone elses position is not seeing it from thier perspective. You have to consider how they feel and how they might reason. You have watch the professor's emotions and reactions to responses being made and determine patterns. When does she get excited or when does she seem indifferent does the indifference seem forced...etc..

Deception through omission is a social requirement. Most dont see it as deception but as preserving anothers feelings.

 

[ddspada]

I think humor usually helps getting people off my back but I do still commit the cold Ti analysis that freaks/offends some people.

Express emotion. No seriously how could I possibly offend you you useless idiot xD I could probably call you all kinds of hateful things with the correct facial expression signifying humor you twat! :P So smile open eyes facially dance if you can manage the effort.

That makes sense. I know I can crack jokes and make quick cross-references to funny patterns or events (much more so while speaking than while writing) but I think that I only do it spontaneously when I am around people I already know well. I'll have to mull it over so as to answer these two questions, which I think might be key to ascertaining what my issue is and how I may go about solving it: Do I, in fact, only view humour as valid/desirable when in the company of friends? If so, why?

Thank you both.

IOW, I suspect that "the devil is in the details". Your examples all focus (as expected) on the conceptualized descriptions of these conflicts, without a tangible, specific transcript of the things you actually said and tone of voice/context. The latter is harder to provide, sure, but I suspect you are missing the entire social subtext of the interactions and it is rubbing others the wrong way.

That paragraph was satisfyingly clarifying. Yes, the problem may very well lie in the difficulties (maybe inability) I have in recognizing those things in myself consistently, and not very much at all in the things themselves I (conceptually) say.

Well, you can't be someone different from who you are. You can improve your social skills, but you also have to be you. However, it sounds like "being you" is also causing you some problems.

So you get to decide whether you think the problems you face are frustrating enough for you that you would like to avoid them. If so, then you can learn other ways to interact and then have that "tool" to use when you're engaging someone.

Yes, I am thinking I've had enough unnecessary frustration and remorse (not quite remorse, but I can't seem to find the word I'm looking for) and wish to change whatever is going on inside me that leads me to unintendedly offend people (nowhere near a majority of the people I meet, but noticeably and undesirably many in my own eyes).

As far as 'sugarcoating' words -- that term is kind of offensive in itself. You can change how you speak to people without it being duplicitous, lying, or "feeding them something empty" just to manipulate them into accepting you.

People are all different and each has different things they view as important to them. For you, it seems to be logic. But why is that more important than someone else's priorities? Logic/Truth is a good thing and should be a priority in some contexts, but there are other "good things" in the world as well. It's a matter of prioritizing what is most helpful in a particular situation. Showing consideration for another person's priorities is not always a bad or demeaning or irrelevant thing, especially if your goal is to foster a connection with them or you simply happen to care about them as a person.

I might just need to recede a bit and look at what my natural responses in conversation tend toward being; and take a good look at ways I can recognize and consider the point of view of others -- or at least that's what, in my head, sounds like the best possible way of obtaining a solution right now.

Thank you very much, Jenny.

 

[ddspada]

I will post my opinion in a bit but first...

How would you describe your own feeelings? Do you question thier existence or do you feel they are inferior and should be ignored, something else?

I can definitely recognize when I'm having an emotional response. That's easy. Feelings, on the other hand, are a little odd.

I acknowledge their existence, no doubt, but it's not easy to consistently know what it is I'm feeling. In myself, I can tell apart enthusiasm, nostalgia (which I experience mostly displeasingly), contentedness, tranquility, satisfaction and frustration; and the lack of any of them. The mental images I have of sadness, joy, anger and surprise don't really correspond with what I believe to be my emotional responses. I don't think it's healthy to ignore the fact that an emotion is taking place, but in my experience things don't turn out too great when I make medium- to long-term decisions while under the effect of a strong emotional response.

I suppose I tend to view my own feelings in light of how they affect me physiologically. I very much enjoy being able to tell that I'm under the influence of some substance. I've learned what dopamine, endorphins, serotonin, cortisol, oxytocin, etc., feel like in my own body, and feel more comfortable explaining my emotions to myself in such terms.

When I try to concentrate on my feelings and emotions in and of themselves (which is rather uncommon), I tend to do so via brooding for hours on end. More often than not I end up dissatisfied and frustrated at being unable to actually find meaning within those thoughts.

---

Thank you for your response.

 

[Jennywocky]

I guess my other question is, do you talk to these other people like you're talking to us in the thread?

I've been told I'm pretty decent with the Fe thing (and I get along pretty much with anyone IRL, even people I don't actually happen to like internally)... and you seem perfectly fine to me in this thread, even taking the fact we're both similar in mindset into account. I'm still kind of stymied as to how you're coming across IRL.

 

[StevenM]

When talking to intelligent feelers, you got to remember that they decide, judge and act using ethics. If something feels good, it is right. If something feels bad, it is wrong.

For instance, if I were to say "To be a successful salesman, I need to learn how to successfully lie". Or kind of on the same topic "Every person in the world has made at least a small habit of lying", or "Deception can actually be an essential part of life".

I get a lot of disgusted faces from feelers. Lying makes people feel bad, and thus, is wrong. You should never lie. They never lie. Their loving parents never lie, and their best friends would never lie. I am so wrong, inaccurate, and probably evil.

Of course, that's just an example. Not all feelers think lying is wrong. But just trying to make a point that what is emotionally good is right and what has negative emotion is wrong.

 

[Grayman]

I can definitely recognize when I'm having an emotional response. That's easy. Feelings, on the other hand, are a little odd.

Well, I guess I will tell you my experience and you will have to see if it relates to you or not.

One thing that is important to consider is that if dissociate yourself from your feelings you are handicapping yourself socially.

This happened some time ago...
I have taken some psychological tests and have been labeled a number times 100% schizoid. I have trouble trusting my emotions or feelings. This is from a life of people proving to me that emotions are mostly destructive and bring pain to everyone around you. I would describe my experiences of emotions different than everyone else. It is like my body is affected but not me. I can examine them and feel them but it is like doing in way that I am separate from them and not really experiencing them. Sex is the same way. While my body shows signs of interest toward a beautiful woman, I remain uninterested. The whole process seems a chore like most social processes and traditions. For the most part traditions seem pointless and I have trouble understanding the point of it all.

An example how my logic caused pain: “Are you going to the funeral? Well I thought about it but I don’t see any point. He is dead and it isn’t like he cares if we came to his funeral or not.”

Today...
I am different. I am more connected with my emotions. I can still fall back when I face a high emotional situation and instinctively shut out all my emotions and follow a line of pure logic without worrying about feelings. When this occurs I am blind to social rules, the feelings of others, and how what I do or say is being taken. I upset people when I shut out my emotions but not because I am trying to hurt them out of anger but because I am driven by pure logic, facts and truth. I become unaware of how I am damaging them with my delivery.



You cannot function socially with Ti alone. Trying to use Ti to socialize and interact with people is like trying to eat your food with your feet. Not only will it not work very well, but you will look awkward doing it.

For me, getting in touch with my Fe was not a matter of learning. It was a matter of accepting that dissociating myself from my emotions is just as damaging as letting them rule me.

 

[JansenDowel]

I'm usually good at keeping the peace. But sometimes I get sick of compensating for everyone else's poor self esteem and denial of reality. Sometimes, its unhackable, and opinions simply must come out.

 

[EditorOne]

You cannot function socially with Ti alone. Trying to use Ti to socialize and interact with people is like trying to eat your food with your feet. Not only will it not work very well, but you will look awkward doing it.

That was good.

 

[Reluctantly]

When talking to intelligent feelers, you got to remember that they decide, judge and act using ethics. If something feels good, it is right. If something feels bad, it is wrong.

For instance, if I were to say "To be a successful salesman, I need to learn how to successfully lie". Or kind of on the same topic "Every person in the world has made at least a small habit of lying", or "Deception can actually be an essential part of life".

I get a lot of disgusted faces from feelers. Lying makes people feel bad, and thus, is wrong. You should never lie. They never lie. Their loving parents never lie, and their best friends would never lie. I am so wrong, inaccurate, and probably evil.

Of course, that's just an example. Not all feelers think lying is wrong. But just trying to make a point that what is emotionally good is right and what has negative emotion is wrong.

Often times feelers will lie because it makes the other person feel better. Such as lying about whether or not something looks good on someone (saying that it does when it doesn't) or telling someone they will be alright when they know they aren't or letting someone feel elation over a quality they may not actually possess or an achievement that isn't really something to be proud of.

But I suppose you are talking about when someone lies to cheat someone and cause them some kind of grief or pain and then yes, they could think it's wrong because it's profiting off someone else's misery.

I guess why I'm saying this is because the motivation seems a lot more important to me when determining thinking and feeling than overgeneralizing that what feels good is right and what feels bad is wrong because feeling isn't just about emotions, rather it's about determining what's agreeable or not. Sure emotions play a role, but they aren't the cause of determining what's agreeable or not; they are part of the thought process of feeling.

And I know I'm being nit-picky and annoying, even if what you wrote wasn't literal, but it's a common misconception, especially with INTPs for some reason. alright... :/

 

[StevenM]

Often times feelers will lie because it makes the other person feel better. Such as lying about whether or not something looks good on someone (saying that it does when it doesn't) or telling someone they will be alright when they know they aren't or letting someone feel elation over a quality they may not actually possess or an achievement that isn't really something to be proud of.

But I suppose you are talking about when someone lies to cheat someone and cause them some kind of grief or pain and then yes, they could think it's wrong because it's profiting off someone else's misery.

I guess why I'm saying this is because the motivation seems a lot more important to me when determining thinking and feeling than overgeneralizing that what feels good is right and what feels bad is wrong because feeling isn't just about emotions, rather it's about determining what's agreeable or not. Sure emotions play a role, but they aren't the cause of determining what's agreeable or not; they are part of the thought process of feeling.

And I know I'm being nit-picky and annoying, even if what you wrote wasn't literal, but it's a common misconception, especially with INTPs for some reason. alright... :/

No, I need someone to give me a smack of reality once in awhile. I rely too much on my own experiences, and forget to check it up with the big picture.

As for this thread, I just remembered that I offend people when I think I have a pretty good grasp of something, and act too haughty as an intellectual. Later, I reflect on what I said, and realize how unwise and unintelligent I actually was.

 

[ddspada]

I guess my other question is, do you talk to these other people like you're talking to us in the thread?

Most of the time I communicate in a consistent manner which is that which I've found most comfortable and precise (eg the way I'm writing in this thread). Of course, it's impossible to gauge intention with text alone, but I would say yes, I do at least try to talk to almost everyone, almost anytime, in the way in which I write here.

Well, I guess I will tell you my experience and you will have to see if it relates to you or not.

One thing that is important to consider is that if dissociate yourself from your feelings you are handicapping yourself socially.

[...]
I upset people when I shut out my emotions but not because I am trying to hurt them out of anger but because I am driven by pure logic, facts and truth. I become unaware of how I am damaging them with my delivery.

You cannot function socially with Ti alone. Trying to use Ti to socialize and interact with people is like trying to eat your food with your feet. Not only will it not work very well, but you will look awkward doing it.

For me, getting in touch with my Fe was not a matter of learning. It was a matter of accepting that dissociating myself from my emotions is just as damaging as letting them rule me.

I've thought about it this last couple of days, and I have come to a (hasty, very likely to change soon) conclusion: I recognize and accept my emotions with no problems whatsoever, but I do not know whether I can identify my feelings at all. Not knowing whether I do or not makes me madder than the possibility of not being able to, and I think that tells me quite a bit about myself. Dictionary definitions have not helped all that much in determining whether or not I do recognize and accept my feelings (but am mistakenly calling them "emotions").

I think you hit the nail right on the head with the bit in red. As anecdotal evidence, I can compare what you wrote with an experience with an ESFP pal/buddy. He was talking about his girlfriend and how love is wonderful. He talked about it for couple of minutes and then asked me what I thought of love. I answered according to my beliefs (which still hold for the most part): love is a rationalized mix of oxytocin and serotonin. He thought I was trying to crack a joke, and found the joke funny. I seriously thought about restating what I had just said, adding that I was not joking, but decided against it. Had he not thought of it as a joke, or had I specified that it wasn't, things would have probably gotten awkward fast for both of us. Now, in that particular occasion I was able to realize that we simply weren't on the same wavelength before damage was done, but often I'm not able to.

I'm usually good at keeping the peace. But sometimes I get sick of compensating for everyone else's poor self esteem and denial of reality. Sometimes, its unhackable, and opinions simply must come out.

I can relate so much to this.

I offend people when I think I have a pretty good grasp of something, and act too haughty as an intellectual. Later, I reflect on what I said, and realize how unwise and unintelligent I actually was.

That has happened to me but usually I just get corrected with no offense anywhere. Then again, maybe it just hasn't happened enough times to happen around someone who will be offended by it.

---

I guess my homework for these next few days/weeks will be to try recognizing when and how I am about to say something in a way that might sound rude to the average reasonable person, and think of ways of making it not sound rude while sacrificing as little meaning as possible. Also, to ascertain whether or not I can differentiate emotional responses from feelings, and how I interpret them both.

---

Again, thank you all for your help and insight.

 

[Trebuchet]

This is going in a completely different direction, but are you sure people being mad at you is all that common? It is obviously unpleasant when someone says you are rude, or unprofessional, or whatever insult. So such a incident sticks in your mind, and becomes important.

I agree with Jennywocky, that we don't really have enough details to understand what happened, but take the carpool example. It sounds like you provide free transportation to a bunch of people who need it, and take steps to protect yourself. Maybe you come off like a jerk and maybe you don't. But you didn't list the other people who carpool, and their reactions. I would guess most of them just said "thank you" or similar.

You had a teacher with a particular point of view, and expressed disagreement. Her being irritated makes sense, but if you are going to have an open discussion of philosophy, you have to be ready for disagreement. You didn't mention other teachers you disagreed with, who probably just said, "good point" or "thanks for spotting that" or even "you need to read the material more closely" and moved on.

So you may be coming off as rude, or you may be focusing on a few examples and ignoring the majority. I don't have enough information to tell which it is, but I figure it is always good to make sure there really is a problem before you try to fix it.

 

[Grayman]

Seems more accurate to say he is polite but insensitive which can get you in trouble in certain social situations. Not really rude.

 

[ddspada]

So you may be coming off as rude, or you may be focusing on a few examples and ignoring the majority. I don't have enough information to tell which it is, but I figure it is always good to make sure there really is a problem before you try to fix it.

It's not some huge ugly problem. My life has transcurred more or less fine, and this issue has almost always been a constant, but it's very displeasing to know that it happens. I realize that in fixing this problem (assuming it is one) it is possible that a very significant amount of willpower and mental stamina will be required. If it's not a problem and I do try fixing it, I know the experience might be overall negative. If my life from now on flows the way it has until now, I will get along. If this matter changes, I would probably be that much more content.

This definitely happens only with a minority of people I meet, but the frequency at which it happens is on the borderline of making me feel like I should do something about it. Jenny put it this way:

So you get to decide whether you think the problems you face are frustrating enough for you that you would like to avoid them.

If I had to put a number on it, perhaps this happens to me in 1 out of 15 or 20 cases/people; of course, reaction strength varies considerably. A few will outright call me names to my face, a few will remark something along the lines of "You don't have to be rude like that" and walk away, and most are in the middle. It's undesirable, uncomfortable and somewhat frustrating, but all in all not too debilitating.

Thank you for your input.

---

Seems more accurate to say he is polite but insensitive which can get you in trouble in certain social situations. Not really rude.

Yes, you're right. Thank you for the clarification.

I was raised to have good manners. "Thank you", "you're welcome", "please", "have a good day/afternoon", and "sir/ma'am" (when speaking in English) are automatic (I suppose my behaviour in this forum is evidence enough; without deliberately trying to, I thank people who reply and to whom I reply). Perhaps -- nay, surely -- insensitive is a better fit for the description of my situation. However, people whom I offend (as per this topic) do call me "grosero" in Spanish (and "rude" in English, though I currently live in Mexico City, so grosero is way more common, of course).

...I wonder whether most of them do mean "rude" or just don't use the more exact wording. The fact itself that I often (though certainly not always) look for the most exact wording possible has many a time lead me to think others do the same. Boy oh boy, do I get the smackdown when that happens, haha.