Chasing the "self" is a never ending goose chase

[EndogenousRebel]

Much like when we try to look for the seat of consciousness and recognize it as an ever expanding event horizon which we can only conceptualize as a single thing, the journey of self-discovery as a project, has no end.

I'm not sure what I expected, and I'm not sure if I'm disappointed or not. Life may be boring if it were any other way.

There is a strange predicament we come across then, when applying any one analytical framework.

We must understand ourselves in relation to something finite and any attempt to make that understanding meta-contextual is going to need adjustments.

If I may indulge in a personal anecdote, I knew a while ago that my intellectualism is mainly a coping strategy, that I can "add" to a corpus of understanding I have, that I can chase that one steel-manned conception of something and be happy with it. As I have approached what I think is a dead end to that regard, I can see it something that is just a act of homeostasis. Because what else can I do to the demons in my mind besides undermine them cognitively, if even just for a day where I spend most of my time daydreaming about such issues.

I have threaded this ground multiple times. I even tried to be poetic and since, I really haven't been able to one up myself, or rather I haven't really tried to.

It seems that ignorance in some regard is bliss. In some regard all you do is discover how you are broken on this journey, but in another regard you may come to find pride in who you are. To see that in all the events in life you respond to, that when it comes down to it, you responded in a constructive way as best you could.

‘Tis Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

I suppose I have fallen out of love with the hunt for high concept self-discovery. Maybe it's diminishing returns, maybe it was a sunk-cost till now. I wonder how I will respond next, once I successfully let go of the idea. It is all I can do, wonder..

 

[Black Rose]

sounds like burnout

This could be because you are disconnected from your emotions.

I know that all the "work" I do intellectually happens because I do not want to sleep all day long. And this is an addiction.

Contentment and satisfaction are rare moments for me, unless I put hard effort into something then I can't get the rush of it when I complete that one thing or one idea is brought to fruition.

But it is about creativity not just learning stuff. I burned out long ago at age 20 so I had a long time to sit and think (2 years of doing nothing)

It was that I wanted to make something, not just read books or watch TV.

The stage of self-actualization requires finding that thing you can be creative at.

I had many setbacks where what I did was not creative enough.

Long periods where I did nothing.

But I got past that, I like to share what I make with others.

Only it comes to another period of burnout for me.

Constantly I have to make sure to rest appropriately.

 

[EndogenousRebel]

sounds like burnout

This could be because you are disconnected from your emotions.

Maybe, but with that burnout and this resolution I feel, comes a sense of Peace. Almost as if letting go has been part of the answer all along.

The stage of self-actualization requires finding that thing you can be creative at.

Well, I mean, the concept of self actualization with it comes the anxiety that compelled me to intellectualism.

It basically, at least with our culture of work, demands that we min max our way to our ideal self, which I am basically saying, it's not really worth it to pursue these ideas, particularly if your end goal is actualization.

It's like chasing happiness, the more you take note if your satisfaction in life, the more you realize when you aren't meeting that expectation

I am in touch with myself

 

[Black Rose]

sounds like burnout

This could be because you are disconnected from your emotions.

Maybe, but with that burnout and this resolution I feel, comes a sense of Peace. Almost as if letting go has been part of the answer all along.

I can see that.

I call it rest.

The stage of self-actualization requires finding that thing you can be creative at.

Well, I mean, the concept of self actualization with it comes the anxiety that compelled me to intellectualism.

Anxiety is when the task is hard and the skill is low.

For me, it was the anticipation or the perception things would be harder than they actually were.

It basically, at least with our culture of work, demands that we min max our way to our ideal self, which I am basically saying, it's not really worth it to pursue these ideas, particularly if your end goal is actualization.

Not really the culture, but in school it was the only culture I knew.

Outside of that things change but for a long time, I was conditioned to be in a constant state of productivity. This transferred to adult life.

That said, it is like we have to act a certain way around others. And I was restricted by it. Someone called it Avoidant Personality Disorder in reference to myself.

So the anxiety came both by being around others and needing to be productive all the time. I was not good at either so it was higher than it needed be.

It's like chasing happiness, the more you take note if your satisfaction in life, the more you realize when you aren't meeting that expectation

I am in touch with myself

There is a center spot.

I think people who can relax have a good regulation system.

They go at a certain speed in life so things are not too slow but not too fast.

It is maintaining that fast pace that accumulates in over-exertion because we want to learn but we also find it too hard all the time.

Taking time to learn without rushing as rushing to learn in school would be optimum.