Care to critique my intro?

[SLushhYYY]

I started writing a little story that I thought might be fun to mess with my imagination, I just dont know whether to continue with this story or start on something more interesting. Ive never considered myself a good writer.

Let me know what you think thus far.

Life in the brain

This is me​

I wonder what most people think. Not just wonder. I try to visualize, perceptions,of
other individuals, onto myself. I dont know why, or even how this started but It has, so
as life in general, I must learn to embrace it.

But at what cost?

I just moved to a new city and am getting ready to start my senior year of high school in the fall.
How do I know it starts in the fall? Because I keep track, I know most kids dont care to have such
knowledge, but I do. I'm pretty excited for school to start but I'm also nervous, I dont know how kids
are going to view me now that I have such an understanding insight on the world. I wonder things, about myself.

Is that not weird?

With just one glance at Facebook I can see that the most popular girl at my old school is currently : "Eating puffcorns and watching Jersey Shore mmmmmyayayay <3". These are the things people my age are supposed to be entranced by, right? While I'm sitting here self-examining myself, for no general purpose, other than to obtain the knowledge of self itself.

I'm not even actual friends with that girl, I'm just her Facebook “friend”. I have no actual knowledge of her as a person, but I assume that by her social standing, many others will follow, or go along with the certain things she does as well. But not me. I wonder what she thought when I had first sent her a friend request. She probably thought very oddly of me, I had never spoken to her in school before. But for some reason I had a drive to make her my synthetic friend on the inter web. I didnt want to get to know her on a personal level. I merely wanted to have her as a speculative character in my mind.

That way I could manipulate what she thought, with my thoughts.

But I always seem to forget that I cant change peoples perspectives of me.

I can only change my perspective on other peoples perspective.

Like I said, my family just moved to a new town in the middle of Rillkens, YH. I'll be attending Loranderfall High School, and I only need to survive one more year until I'm finally done with the tedious high school program. The school isnt what concerns me, Im great at school. I've never done anything to practice my skills of school though, I just seem to be a natural at it, unlike many of my classmates. My agenda for this year is to fit in. That's it. Its a new school, new people, new perceptions of me. I'm pretty excited. I always used to think that I wasn’t a people person, but thats not the case at all. I like people. Just, not people who look down on me. I'm not going to let that happen anymore. I know I'm different, but its my turn to make different more profound then “normal”.

Has the time not yet arrived for this to happen?

I guess its my job, maybe thats why I'm here. But then, why has it taken 17 years? Am I just delusional. I could be ...haha but the world is what I make it out to be. This is something I want to do for myself. I'm writing this aware of how confident I'm sounding. The truth of the matter though, is that I'm very nervous about starting school...I have no clue what to expect and I hate that.

I hate the unknowns of my physical life, but unknowns left in my head are fine.

Now I'm just sounding negative.

First Day of School​

The day has arrived. The day I've been longing to reinvent myself as a somebody. I’m on my way to experience my first day at school, at my new school. The surrounding land around my house is very flat. We barely left my community where we live, and I can already see the large gymnasium of my high school in the distance. And yet, the drive is taking much longer than I expected.

Im driving my own car, my parents recently bought it for me. I thought of it more as a bribe to keep me happy because we moved. But they dont really understand me. They don’t know that I hated my old school, that I didnt get along with anybody. Whats it matter to them anyway? Sure it matters to them. But why should I have to have them worry about my problems? They have their own things to worry about.

I arrived in what seemed to be the school parking lot, however, there were more kids walking around in this large cemented plaza. I saw plenty of open parking spots, but kids were standing around in them not letting me park. What is going on? Most of the people in the parking lot were older looking guys, with their younger looking girl “friends”. I really hope there is more to this place than these people, because my first impression of this place so far has been foul. I managed to find a spot in the far back of the parking lot. Great, now to walk in this blistering heat to the school grounds, I must not forget to keep a smile on my face while I walk past the groups of kids in the parking lot. First impressions REALLY DO matter.

Think about it, when you see somebody on the street you almost instinctively judge them in one way or another if you care to. Analyzing their style, cleanliness, facial expressions, all these features inevitably form some sort of opinion about the person. Or is this just one of those things that I think happens...Im not too sure, but ill go with it.

I walked slowly with a partial smile on my face, I hoped that since it was the first day of school, there would be a larger number of people that were also new and alone. While walking passed all the groups of people through the parking lot, I came to the conclusion that this was not the case. Everybody looked like they belonged in the places that they were in. Even if they were standing in a random area in the parking lot, their group defined them as individuals and it seemed as if they were always in the same spot that they were standing in.

I carried forward. I was almost in the building when a girl on my right shouted “hey!” in my direction. I instinctively looked her way and quickly reverted my head after understanding that there was no reason for that girl to be calling for my attention. But again, I hear “yah you!”. I face back towards her, put on a half smile and casually walked toward her. “Hey” I said. I look at her face, her clothes, her sense of personality and I conclude to myself that she must be someone of high social ranking in this school. She was a popular kid. Now why would a popular kid want to help out the new kid? Its not like popular kids in this generation are those caring, good-hearted soles that would be so utopian of society. I stopped thinking and prepared myself for a conversation. “Whats your name?” she said, “are you new here?” she continued, which I found to be redundant.

 

[Cognisant]

Are you asking about your writing or what you've written about?

The former unfortunately comes before the latter, your propensity to begin your sentences with "I" and the "telling" rather than "showing" way you presented your content made it difficult to read, not that it didn't make sense, rather I had trouble staying focused. But through sheer force of will I managed it and I can see why you were writing that way, that the whole idea is that you're writing the story of your mind, the thoughts you're thinking moment by moment, but still that's really going too deep too fast.

Like explaining a dream it's hard to get people interested in unfiltered thought like that, you either have to have an astoundingly interesting mind, be an incredibly skilled writer or the thoughts you're writing about have to be relevant to some context that gives them greater meaning.

 

[SLushhYYY]

Are you asking about your writing or what you've written about?

The former unfortunately comes before the latter, your propensity to begin your sentences with "I" and the "telling" rather than "showing" way you presented your content made it difficult to read, not that it didn't make sense, rather I had trouble staying focused. But through sheer force of will I managed it and I can see why you were writing that way, that the whole idea is that you're writing the story of your mind, the thoughts you're thinking moment by moment, but still that's really going too deep too fast.

Like explaining a dream it's hard to get people interested in unfiltered thought like that, you either have to have an astoundingly interesting mind, be an incredibly skilled writer or the thoughts you're writing about have to be relevant to some context that gives them greater meaning.

I appreciate the comment. This is the first time I've ever wanted to write a creative story so I can see why it would be somewhat abstract as Im writing straight from my thought process. Most people cant think in that fashion.

I was thinking about halfway that I should go back and fill in the blanks of some of the too deep places, but I havnt convinced myself that this story is worth writing.

 

[Tony3d]

You really need to state whatever overall idea you are going with at the begining of a story like this, because it starts out almost like just ramblings inside someones head with no direction in which they are going.

Know what you are trying to convey and try to stick close to that with what you are writing. Also, telling everything and what you thought as opposed to showing people and letting them use their own imaginations does make it a bit less fun to read.

But I don't think you are off to a bad start, you just have certain areas you need to work at and improve on.