If someone close to me, whom I trust and love, violates the boundaries of a close relationship/friendship, I find it hard to ever look at that person in the same light again.
You can steal from me, fight me, argue with me, or cause harm to me, and I'll be mad... But eventually I'll get over that and end the beef. However, betrayal is the ultimate injustice. You've become a traitor, no longer worthy of my trust or the positive things I offer. My boundaries are wide, which makes it unlikely that I'll consider someones actions as turning their back on me. but there are principles I stick to that just can't be violated. Principles so basic that neglecting them is purposeful and the action(s) that violate(s) those principles is nothing other than a blatant act of treason.
Unfortunately, it seems to be impossible to love, without being able to forgive instances of betrayal. After all, whose fault was it, the betrayer or the betrayed? There is not an easy answer to this question.
Trust is a heavy burden to bear. When you trust someone with something it is not a gift, but a liability. When I enter a relationship with a client, I state "Do not trust me!, I have enough responsibilities as it is". This is often seen as an offensive comment by those who had no intention of ever trusting me in the first place, but it opens up a sincere conversation about trust and its role in relationships.
Trust is based upon one's own knowledge, so betrayal can be seen as a form of one's own ignorance. For example, I love and trust my younger brother. He is a lying, thieving, conniving, manipulative sociopath who cares for nothing but his own pleasures. But this I know, so I can trust him (to be " a lying, thieving, conniving, manipulative sociopath who cares for nothing but his own pleasures"), I still can love him, because I have been able to forgive him. He can't betray me because I know him.
I am a Christian and the only task I have on this Earth is to learn how to love. To actually Be a Christian, one simply has to understand and act on this single, short passage:
Mark 12:28 And one of the scribes came, and having heard them reasoning together, and perceiving that he had answered them well, asked him, Which is the first commandment of all? 29 And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord: 30 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. 31 And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. 32 And the scribe said unto him, Well, Master, thou hast said the truth: for there is one God; and there is none other but he: 33 And to love him with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the soul, and with all the strength, and to love his neighbour as himself, is more than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices. 34 And when Jesus saw that he answered discreetly, he said unto him, Thou art not far from the kingdom of God. And no man after that durst ask him any question.
It is simple, it is an elegant solution, yet for some odd reason, a very, very difficult goal for humans to reach. In fact, my perspective on man-made Christian religions is that they all seem to be based upon on some variation of "One does not really have to love God or one's neighbor to reach heaven" Many denominations usually have long lists of those considered 'unlovable', those despicable Sinners.
I think this failure of Christians to love, is caused by the fact that some of our neighbors are just easier to love than others.In fact, I have 'neighbors" that I still can not love, despite 'trying' to do so for over 30 years. Yet it is written...
Matthew 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
Again a scripture that many Christian denominations stumble over...
However, the point I am trying to share with the nonbelievers who read this and have had difficulty loving, or even fear entering into loving relationships, because of betrayal is this:
Betrayal is not a mere possibility, but a certainty. There is no human capable of carrying the burden of trust - thrust upon/demanded of he or she by an Other in a relationship. Again if trust is a derivative of knowledge, then knowledge of the certainty of betrayal of trust, allows one to trust - but one learns to trust in degrees, knowing that betrayal, also measured in degrees, makes up the full circumference of a relationship.
Everyone of us has betrayed a trust at some point in our lives and sometimes it was a trust we did not even know had been placed upon us. How do we correct for this error on the part of those who have given us misplaced trust - who thought they knew us, but were mistaken?
We suggest they learn the value of forgiveness. Forgiveness is often associated with the idea of an elimination of a debt. A debt is a liability, but for whom? One the interesting facets of the process of forgiveness, is that the principle beneficiary, is the Forgiver, not the Forgiven. Those who feel betrayed by us can be healed by forgiving us. So when one asks to be forgiven, one is asking the injured party to "heal thyself, please..."
Paradoxes four,
Love, Trust, Betrayal, Forgiveness...
Perhaps if one learns to expect misunderstanding
and forgive inevitable betrayal before it occurs,
one can trust in that betrayal
not having the power to destroy love.
What is love, but willing submission
What greater love is there
than that given to a known betrayer?
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