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blocked emotional valence

Animekitty

baby marshmallow born today
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Today, 05:17
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Apr 4, 2010
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I feel a pressure. I feel like I can't be close with anyone. My emotions are pent up. Being vulnerable is a problem. I can't really trust anyone. It is very lonely and isolating. Bluntly I am very insecure. Two problems are that I can not feel music or empathize with characters on tv. I numb myself to them. or get anxiety. Sometimes I do feel things but the pressure blocking still makes it uncomfortable. It is like I cannot fully give myself over to my emotions and it sucks.

I guess I have many issues in need of resolving. I just want to feel things completely. To relieve this pressure.
 

moody

Well-Known Member
Local time
Today, 04:17
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Dec 15, 2018
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513
The ability to presently feel emotions does not come all at once. It will take time, but you must first identify why you can’t be close to anyone, why you can’t trust, etc. We often find excuses for our feelings and reactions before acknowledging why we have those reactions in the first place.
This isn’t something anyone else can do for you. Even if someone were to be omnipresent and gave you the exact reasons why you are the way you are, it wouldn’t matter unless you could also come to those conclusions yourself.
Have you thought about finding a councilor or therapist to talk to?
 

Animekitty

baby marshmallow born today
Local time
Today, 05:17
Joined
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Messages
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I just need to be loved in the way I need to be loved. I need someone equal to me. I don't want to be alone.

I've had dreams of being with an unknown person that cares about me. This person only resides in me and is real. But it is rare I see them. I know they are there because of our contact before. But sometimes I think they left or are asleep or just are not there anymore. Without them, I would be more alone than I am now. That I do not feel them makes me feel separated. They are a real person I know that so as long as I cling onto that I can relate to her as real not just an abstraction. I do not want her to go away.
 

Animekitty

baby marshmallow born today
Local time
Today, 05:17
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
6,956
Location
Dandelion field
I feel like I cannot be myself. When I am around others I hold back and fail to absorb the resistance. Really it is repression. the pressure is the repression of me not being free in myself. All my other problems do not help either. Anxiety, depression, blocked thinking, tiredness, inability to relax. If I could just feel ok physically and mentally that would be great. But I feel like I get no rest from everything. I just want to be ok in myself.

I noticed that recently I have been stepping back from control and just observing myself. It has helped make me more aware and less restless. It is hard to let go but resistance has to dissipate slowly to be effectively released.
 

BurnedOut

Active Member
Local time
Today, 16:47
Joined
Apr 19, 2016
Messages
367
I feel a pressure. I feel like I can't be close with anyone. My emotions are pent up. Being vulnerable is a problem. I can't really trust anyone. It is very lonely and isolating. Bluntly I am very insecure. Two problems are that I can not feel music or empathize with characters on tv. I numb myself to them. or get anxiety. Sometimes I do feel things but the pressure blocking still makes it uncomfortable. It is like I cannot fully give myself over to my emotions and it sucks.

I guess I have many issues in need of resolving. I just want to feel things completely. To relieve this pressure.
I have to battle with these feelings too. I have found that I simply lack a good intellectual sparring partner and someone who really relates with me. The best way to control these feelings is to be patient. Being patient, working on your skills and building your self-esteem off it. If you cannot be close to anyone, you can be closer to something that represents your strengths. This means, in essence, you are reconciling with yourself by appreciating your own expression which would have been otherwise done by someone else.

Personal goals are unique because they are modeled on externalities and judged by internalities. The latter trait makes achieving them attractive for anybody who can pursue whatever he wants without the need for someone else's appraisal.
 

Animekitty

baby marshmallow born today
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Today, 05:17
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I have been on gabapentin for 4 days now and my anxiety is gone. I've been able to sleep with no uncomfortableness and no insomnia. This has taken the pressure off somewhat. I can be calm and still but this is just a stasis. I am still not generative. It still takes effort to think. I sleep all day because I have nothing to work on, to be creative about. I'm too weak and disconnected from myself to make anything new.

Stasis is ok but I want more in life. I want to be creative. Boredom is not how I want to spend my time especially not sleeping all day.
 

Animekitty

baby marshmallow born today
Local time
Today, 05:17
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Apr 4, 2010
Messages
6,956
Location
Dandelion field
Nanook said I dream as a coping mechanism.
I have been trying to figure out what I am trying to cope from.
I found this chart and gauged where I may be at.
With introspection, I will get more specific in future posts.

 

Muteki

Existence reflects upon itself
Local time
Today, 04:17
Joined
Aug 31, 2020
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15
Unfortunately, learning to let go is a rarity even among the wiser. To truly step out of the personality one has spent their life cultivating and have automatically defaulted to in virtually every aspect of life is no easy task.
Though that's only natural, we're wired this way after all. Resisting the urge to stay attached to our identity requires a level of will and objective self-detachment most will never muster.
But hey, if you think you've the mental backbone for it, maybe there's hope for you yet.
 

Animekitty

baby marshmallow born today
Local time
Today, 05:17
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
6,956
Location
Dandelion field
feel lonely
feel worthless
feel dumb

overall crappiness

I need to feel

self-love
importance
achievement

These are feelings. They have causes/backstories. I would cry when I was younger because I had ideas but could not make them. My mom never could help me so I felt inadequate. I feel that way now bu only a little bit. I can achieve a lot. It is more important to know than immediately create. The harder part is relationships. I know a few people and I like them for different reasons. I do not have anyone I really like as a friend best friend or more than a friend. I'm lonely so spend all day on the computer. I'm embarrassed to meet new people.

If I can get more in my senses I can handle people. I am overstimulated. I need to become more integrated.
 

Animekitty

baby marshmallow born today
Local time
Today, 05:17
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
6,956
Location
Dandelion field
self-love

turn off the critic

self-esteem

I am smart, I have good ideas.

achievement

This steems all my problems. I want to accomplish things but can't so feel stupid and criticize myself.

I need to look at what I have accomplished and be satisfied with that.

I need to feel better about myself.

I need to be more rational than emotional.
 

Animekitty

baby marshmallow born today
Local time
Today, 05:17
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
6,956
Location
Dandelion field
I think my right frontal lobe is damaged. In the frontal lobes is the mechanism for working memory. It feels like a chamber is unable to hold information for manipulation. It is like telling my leg to move but it won't. It is a big part not to have a fourth of your brain working. I think this contributes to negative emotion because I am imbalanced to handle it. Because I have functional brain damage I cannot be productive. Instead of creating new things, I am just sitting there trying to make something happen and it won't. I hope there is a way to cure it. Making a mental effort is just blocked.
 

Animekitty

baby marshmallow born today
Local time
Today, 05:17
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
6,956
Location
Dandelion field
I got prescribed Lexapro today.

I feel hot and cold sensations in my right brain. A little bit of pain but overall relief.

The damage is on the right side. This means both serotonin and dopamine etc neurotransmitter channels are burnt out.

burnt out, I have burn out on the right side of my brain
 
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