Between Hope & Acceptance

[Cognisant]

I just realised that's essentially what depression is, no matter what scenario I come up with it fits, even in intolerable circumstances entirely beyond your control you would only be depressed if you weren't resigned to your fate, sure you might be miserable but anyone who's been there knows that's not the same thing.

Depression is essentially internal conflict (except when it's despair) on one hand there's whatever thing you have hope for, such as passing a university course, finding a partner that loves you, living a meaningful life, achieving some personal goal, etc, and on the other hand there's acceptance which is giving up, resignation to the harsh truth of reality.

Once one actually does succumb to acceptance there is despair, that's more recognisable as clinical depression, it's when you sleep a lot, eat a little or a lot, and generally resort to pleasant but self destructive behaviours, because you hate yourself and you just want to escape the pain.

Suicide is a but of a mystery, then again I've never been down that far so I wouldn't know, at the time when I had my nihilistic awakening it was a significant acceptance event for my psyche which lead to a period of despair and if there was ever a time that I was going to kill myself that would have been it, but I didn't, maybe I was just too contemplative.

Since then it's like I've been inoculated against depression, my psyche rebuilt itself on a foundation of fatalism so whenever I'm feeling down I just remember it all doesn't matter anyway and the absurdity of being upset over something irrelevant makes it kinda funny.

Sorry this has just been a morbid fascination of mine recently, it's not a cry for help, honestly I'm relatively happy at the moment and I've got everything to live for, maybe my brain is just trying to reconcile the disparity between my present and past selves, and/or I'm just bored and this topic both scares and excites me.

 

[QuickTwist]

Nothing scary about it to me. When I was closest to committing suicide it was out of hysteria and not anything coming from a rational point of view. I can identify with what I assume as being self medicating. I do it myself. I smoke cigarettes and I drink a lot of caffeine. I also am far to eager to share my opinion with anyone who will hear it. On top of that I get board easily and still don't have the motivation to do anything productive for the same reasons you mention, namely, that everything is pointless so it is enough to simply exist. I am trying to break out of this bad habit of "we're all going to die eventually so it doesn't matter what we do." Such thinking shows such little determination that it is, to a normal person, intolerable.

[Edit] On second thought, I think i'm just lazy. I can't kid myself anymore about having and existential crisis. I'm not smart enough for that. I just do everything like an animal as someone kindly put it recently.

 

[Vrecknidj]

Being Present in The Darkness has been published also as The Depression Book

The author is Cheri Huber.

Page 12:

We believe that if we don't get our hopes up we won't be disappointed.
"If I'm always disappointed, disappointment won't be so disappointing."
"If I'm not too happy and optimistic, I won't have so far to fall when the bad times hit."

The place where most people can recognize that is the time when they've been feeling good for a while and then they start getting nervous that it won't last. This is commonly known as "waiting for the other shoe to drop."

WE DEPRESS HAPPINESS

BELIEF: If I maintain a low grade depression, maybe I can shield myself from real unhappiness.

(Ed's Note: If this page describes you, have you ever asked yourself if this process ACTUALLY WORKS?)