Being manipulated

[darude11]

I have small problem about being manipulated... I am the one, who is manipulated, the every ESTJ I know is my manipulator. One of them (100% sure) is my classmate. He want always from me help on tests, always invites me to the pub (not alcohol, I am abstinent), and when I refuse to help (not only tests), I feel guilty even when I think about it... he is, honestly, one of my best friends in class, where I will sit for next 3 years next to my manipulator. And what can I do with it? Let him fail in maths? He would hate me for my life... or say him no? Then I would feel twice so guilty... no, three-times so guilty. Because not only my conscience, but he and my other (not so) friend in class would make me more and more guilty. Yeah, I have very weak confidence... I personaly think I am the worst possible person ever...
Second ESTJ is my brother... he wants from me to do almost anything he have to do. It is just like: ' * Parents say him to do X * "Hey," he say to me, "could you do for me X? Thanks!"... In my family, I personaly feel just like some servant, or something... I am happy, when I can help, but this is manipulating!

Please help me ASAP

 

[Black Rose]

If they accept you for what your limitations are then please spend more time with those individuals.

 

[darude11]

thanks alot!

 

[EyeSeeCold]

You have a right to be treated with respect, if you are being disrespected, you don't have to take it.

 

[Trebuchet]

That's a nasty trap. I have been there.

It sounds like you enjoy being a generous, kind person. You also sound vulnerable to guilt trips and don't think highly of yourself, which implies you turn your anger inward. Yet, you have recognized that people are manipulating you and taking advantage of you. You must have some inkling that anger would be more appropriate if it were directed at them. I'm going to make some guesses, and if they don't help, then maybe someone else will have better things to say.

I don't think you need anyone to tell you what to do. I think you know what to do. I also think that you know all of the stuff written below, but maybe a reminder will be of some use to you. I hope so. Anyway, here are the things I have learned about handling manipulators.

1. Anger happens, and it does not have to mean the end of a relationship. You can be angry with someone, or make someone angry, and still be friends, or family, and the love can remain. It is human, and not terrible at all.

2. Anger can feel like it will destroy everything around you, but that won't happen. It might cause some hurt feelings or embarrassment, but it won't reduce your world to ashes.

3. Feeling guilty about everything does not make you a better person, or more productive. It doesn't improve the world, or make other people happy. If you actually do something wrong, and feel guilty, then apologize or make amends and then drop the guilt. If you didn't do anything wrong, tell yourself that you don't deserve to feel guilty.

4. People torment nice guys at their peril. We nice guys can be pushed, and pushed, but eventually there is a limit.

5. If your friend fails in math, it is his own fault, and not yours. You have helped out of kindness, but it is his responsibility, not yours. He can hate you after that if he wants, but even he will know deep down that it is unjust to blame you for his own failing.

6. Helping your family is a good thing. Saying thank you is too. Go ahead and help your brother, but tell him you expect him to say thanks afterward. If he won't, tell him to do it himself. Thank you is a fair price. If he won't pay it, you don't have to feel bad about refusing to help him.

7. No one should take you for granted. It is wrong to do that.

 

[shoeless]

you have to learn to assert yourself. to do that, you have to learn to be confident about who you are.

you deserve at least as much respect as any other person on this planet. there is no reason for you to be treated as a servant. the people you know need to take responsibility for their own shit.

once you realize that, it should be easy enough to tell them to fuck off (in a nicer way, without ruining the relationship of course).

 

[Abraxas]

Passive actions generate aggressive reactions and vice versa. When, as in your case, the aggressive "manipulators" assume you to act passively, your possible future aggressiveness may result in them "mentally counter attacking" you, but if/when you're a logical person you can easily win this "mindgame". In other words, you have to show who's the boss of the situation/relationship (only if you wish to be the boss).

 

[xbox]

I have small problem about being manipulated... I am the one, who is manipulated, the every ESTJ I know is my manipulator. One of them (100% sure) is my classmate. He want always from me help on tests, always invites me to the pub (not alcohol, I am abstinent), and when I refuse to help (not only tests), I feel guilty even when I think about it... he is, honestly, one of my best friends in class, where I will sit for next 3 years next to my manipulator. And what can I do with it? Let him fail in maths? He would hate me for my life... or say him no? Then I would feel twice so guilty... no, three-times so guilty. Because not only my conscience, but he and my other (not so) friend in class would make me more and more guilty. Yeah, I have very weak confidence... I personaly think I am the worst possible person ever...
Second ESTJ is my brother... he wants from me to do almost anything he have to do. It is just like: ' * Parents say him to do X * "Hey," he say to me, "could you do for me X? Thanks!"... In my family, I personaly feel just like some servant, or something... I am happy, when I can help, but this is manipulating!

Please help me ASAP

Learn to say no. Dont feel guilty.. People like that will walk all over you.

 

[systembust]

Honestly:

If you see where you are being manipulated, and you allow this manipulation to continue, then it is your own fault.

It's up to you to determine your own self-worth, and the amount of influence you'll allow others to hold on you. If you don't draw your boundaries for yourself, others will readily tread all over you.

I say to let any and all relationships expire where you feel you're being treated unfairly. You've gotten into a pattern with these guys where they're using you; ok, now it's time to break that pattern, by any means necessary. Worst case scenario, it's better to be alone than to be trampled upon. You also need to work out whatever issues within yourself that would allow you to willingly submit to such arrangements, so as to be safeguarded in the future.

 

[digital angel]

If you don't want to do it, don't do it. You don't have to do any thing you don't want to. Remember, you're not a servant.

This situation isn't your fault. There are all kinds of people out there. What can you do to help the situation that you're in?

 

[Trebuchet]

If you see where you are being manipulated, and you allow this manipulation to continue, then it is your own fault.

That's a little judgmental. Don't you have any emotional or psychological reactions that aren't under your control, or that you struggle with? The OP did ask for advice, which is a positive step.

Besides, it is impossible to optimize for everything. The OP has clearly put some effort into being a helpful, useful person to have around. This had some unintended consequences, which are now being addressed.

 

[darude11]

Thank you very much for all answers! Maybe it is not better, but now I know what are my weak points to improve... but if you think, that you have more advices for me, don't worry and post them!

Thanks!

 

[systembust]

That's a little judgmental. Don't you have any emotional or psychological reactions that aren't under your control, or that you struggle with? The OP did ask for advice, which is a positive step.

Besides, it is impossible to optimize for everything. The OP has clearly put some effort into being a helpful, useful person to have around. This had some unintended consequences, which are now being addressed.

You misread my post. I'm not judging the OP, I'm being perfectly honest from my point of view. Might sound a bit harsh, but I think it's the truth. I don't think it helps anyone to mince words when they ask for advice.

The truth is that, barring physical force, no one can manipulate you without some form of consent. I'm advising the OP to stop giving that consent.

If you see where you're being manipulated, and don't take the necessary steps to end it, then you become complicit in that manipulation.

 

[GYX_Kid]

do something really nasty to your "manipulator"
make him despise you
experience "guilt" enough to get over it

 

[Zionoxis]

I on the other hand, find myself on the opposite side of the coin. I generally use guilt trips as a use for manipulation, however. I have set myself to subconsciously adjust the situation to make them WANT to do the specified action. This way, the manipulatee does not feel used.

 

[darude11]

-> bumping just to get to conclusion <-

October 2012, I found out that my cousin-classmate is psychopath (or he might be sociopath, but I don't care about which one, I couldn't find out such detail). I am 99% sure that he is one. I was one night bored lying in my bed browsing internet on my phone, and stumbled upon article for writers of fiction about source of evil. Turned out it is psychopathy. I didn't know exact definition and was like "Heck, psychopathy sounds pretty interesting, let's see what is it about!" I found definition and 20 signs of psychopath. My cousin-classmate was fulfilling all 20 of them on daily basis. I was shocked.

Next day I told several of my classmates (really close friends) about it. It was unbelieveable, but they believed me still. We were together thinking about how to get rid of him from our lives.

Around December 2012, my classmate-cousin was completly ignoring me. The relationship between me and him was already weakening, even though in September he was still going out with me during lunch breaks on regular basis. It was getting weaker and weaker. I was getting free from him. I couldn't believe it.

However there is still my best friend, which is still in danger. I am doing all I can to not lose him because of some psychopath.



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Thank you all for your support!