not
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I recently discovered MBTI. I am close to 40 years old and for most of my life I completely resisted even the cursory notion of personality testing for I have forever rebelled against convention. I have taken a variety of online versions of the Myers Briggs test recently and they all have indicated INTP. For whatever reason, my long running rebellion has been squelched. I find myself identifying with the type INTP. – Although the ‘T’ vs ‘F’ in me is still locked into a fight to the death. – It is through the experiential world that I have learned to run all thoughts through a feeling translation filter. I rationalize this as surviving a quite traumatic experience during a pivotal point in my young development that forces me out of habit to not only think things through logically but to also think through how my thoughts and actions will affect the world around me. It has become almost second nature that I sometimes can’t tell if I am thinking or feeling. My natural reaction to stupidity is, “You are an idiot and your sophomoric world view pains me to no end, please shoot me now.” But what comes out of me without deliberate revision, “I see why you have come to that conclusion, I respect your opinion. Have you ever considered this differing point of view for the following reasons?” So either I have grown, or I am really a flaming INFP wanting to take the INTP label as far as I can run with it while I can.
Shortly after joining this forum I began reading the Ask Architect thread. First it was a passing curiosity. Who is this person that has over 2000 comments on his thread? Now I’m hooked. It’s like reading a really great novel. I recently reached the halfway point and I’m taking this time to celebrate by writing this introduction. I have decided that I will finish the thread before I ask Architect any direct questions. It has already been over a month since I started reading his thread. I feel compelled and inspired to read the many books cited, to read the 5-page New Yorker articles that are linked, and watch the movie clips that are discussed. Many of the subject matters are over my head but I intuitively ‘feel’ that they are within my grasp.
I am far from being an expert. All that I know for sure is that I really don’t know much in the grand scheme of things. I am not sure if I started an Ask Not What You Want thread if I could sustain your interest for more than a week or two. My life so far has been the antithesis to Architect’s experience. I am more the cautionary tale, an example of what one’s life could end up like if you fail to recognize your strengths early on. Only I’m not… I firmly believe that I am one of those late bloomers, a genius in the making. There will be a convergent point in my life where the sum of my experiences will be greater than the whole. I tell myself that when people are quick to point out my many shortcomings and failed attempts. In other words, though the labels aimless, loser, lazy, broke, misguided, could all apply, I refuse to accept it as my identity. When I hit my stride I will be elevated so much higher than anyone around me in my real life that I don’t even think they could imagine it. I see it clear as day though.
When I was a kid all I ever really liked doing was breaking shit. Breaking things with the purpose of understanding how it worked. I never really bothered to put the stuff back together though so I quickly ran out of things. I naturally wanted to be an architect and an engineer. I often daydreamed about how it would be to work for NASA. Then two traumatic things seemed to coalesce, the space shuttle blew up on live television while I was watching it, and then my parents announced that they were getting divorced. As my father drifted farther and farther away from me I found myself leaning more and more on the arts. This loss of my father figuratively put me on a quest to find my voice. It is only now, 30 years later, and after living through the very recent, very raw, very real death of my father that I have come to realize this. I chose to become a filmmaker as a way to express my inner world to my father with the hope of gaining his acceptance. It’s kind of twistedly pathetic on the one hand, and extremely liberating on the other. (At least to finally realize it, if nothing else.)
I went to school for filmmaking. I chose a technology school over some of the more logical film school choices such as USC or UCLA. I studied filmmaking at Rochester Institute of Technology and it took me forever to graduate. I loved my film courses but hated pretty much everything else that was required for a degree. I often took electives that did not count towards my graduation. I studied photography, C programming, glass blowing, woodworking, political science, etc… I dabbled in psychology. It was the kid in me wanting to know how everything worked. At one point I thought I’d go into game design.
I founded the Electronic Gaming Society on campus. I am told that it is now one of the largest student organizations on the campus. My efforts launched an entire degree program at the school combining the computer animation aspects of the filmmaking program with the software development aspects of the computer science department. I never really benefited from the program directly. I graduated with my film degree the year before the program officially started and I personally moved on. But it does feel good to know I started a mini-revolution at my school even if no one there remembers my name. I contacted the most recent president of the organization to tell him I was the first president, and his one word response was ‘ok.’ - People take shit for granted.
In filmmaking I have pretty much done every job, from being a grip, to editing, to catering, to most recently, Executive Producing a feature film. Most of my career though has been sitting behind a computer creating graphics and compositing for television commercials. My personality has pushed me towards the technical aspects of making films. Commercials are where the latest and greatest tech is pushed to the limits so that is where I find myself often. – Though, lately I feel that it has been to the detriment of my soul.
I haven’t worked in 3 months. I was laid off a year ago from my day job. For a year I did freelance work here and there while I traveled the world with my movie. My last film festival was in August. August is about the time I showed up here. I am going through some sort of existential midlife crisis. Unfortunately purchasing a Porsche is out of my reach even if I wanted the superficial way out of it. I can’t shake the feeling of disgust with the world we live in, and this overwhelming feeling that I am supposed to make some sort of difference.
I have 7 films that I want to make. 4 individual ideas, then my trilogy, my opus, what I refer to as My Star Wars, My Lord of the Rings, My Avatar, My Matrix… For the longest time this has been my purpose. This has been what drives me. Recently I watched the film Being There (1979) and that film says everything I ever wanted to say in one film. It has to be the single most brilliant film ever made. The film is so good that it has me questioning my purpose. If this film could be made and go relatively unnoticed, what is the point for me to make another film? Who will watch it? Will it matter? Watching that film has forced me to rethink all 7 films that I want to make. It’s like, why do I need to bring 7 more films into the world to state the exact same thing as Being There?
I’m also going through a divorce. I married an ENFJ. She originally blew me off when we first met, but she says she fell in love with my mind when she saw my first film. She stuck around against her better judgment. I became her ‘project.’ We have very strong connections but very different world views. She also comes from the upper crust of society. My mother grew up in a one-room house in the country and my father is from the inner city. My parents are the most successful people in my family and I am the first person of my generation to go to and finish college. So there is this dynamic in our relationship where my wife feels socially superior, and has an attitude that she gave up her social status to a certain degree to bet on my brilliance. She’s quite happy to let me know how much I have failed her on a routine basis. On an intellectual level I do recognize her sacrifice. She really did pay a social price to be with me. But it only causes my own bitterness to seep out because I completely despise the current power structure. I’m a firm believer in Meritocracy. You really should have to earn your place in this world, but every one should at least have a fair shot, an equal starting point. I get annoyed with stupid people who are in powerful places because of their last name. Yet... I stand at the threshold of the world of the elite, an outsider with his foot in the door, and I often contemplate if I could actually make a difference in our world operating from the other side of the door, or if crossing the threshold would change me for the worse. I've been preoccupied the last few months trying to decipher what 'they' know on the other side of the threshold that I don't currently know and if it is worthing knowing... Does the threshold really exist or matter?
I’ll stop here for now… I will say that I feel at home on these boards and spend way more time reading and digesting than actually participating. Mostly because many of you are brilliant. I'm more of a learner and an analyzer than a teacher. My mentor told me that the reason he was willing to teach me was because it helped him learn better. So I want to step out of my shell a little bit and participate more, but am not exactly sure how to help, or if my experience is relevant to any of you. I am certainly not wealthy or well respected, though I do have many fans. I am open to growth.
Shortly after joining this forum I began reading the Ask Architect thread. First it was a passing curiosity. Who is this person that has over 2000 comments on his thread? Now I’m hooked. It’s like reading a really great novel. I recently reached the halfway point and I’m taking this time to celebrate by writing this introduction. I have decided that I will finish the thread before I ask Architect any direct questions. It has already been over a month since I started reading his thread. I feel compelled and inspired to read the many books cited, to read the 5-page New Yorker articles that are linked, and watch the movie clips that are discussed. Many of the subject matters are over my head but I intuitively ‘feel’ that they are within my grasp.
I am far from being an expert. All that I know for sure is that I really don’t know much in the grand scheme of things. I am not sure if I started an Ask Not What You Want thread if I could sustain your interest for more than a week or two. My life so far has been the antithesis to Architect’s experience. I am more the cautionary tale, an example of what one’s life could end up like if you fail to recognize your strengths early on. Only I’m not… I firmly believe that I am one of those late bloomers, a genius in the making. There will be a convergent point in my life where the sum of my experiences will be greater than the whole. I tell myself that when people are quick to point out my many shortcomings and failed attempts. In other words, though the labels aimless, loser, lazy, broke, misguided, could all apply, I refuse to accept it as my identity. When I hit my stride I will be elevated so much higher than anyone around me in my real life that I don’t even think they could imagine it. I see it clear as day though.
When I was a kid all I ever really liked doing was breaking shit. Breaking things with the purpose of understanding how it worked. I never really bothered to put the stuff back together though so I quickly ran out of things. I naturally wanted to be an architect and an engineer. I often daydreamed about how it would be to work for NASA. Then two traumatic things seemed to coalesce, the space shuttle blew up on live television while I was watching it, and then my parents announced that they were getting divorced. As my father drifted farther and farther away from me I found myself leaning more and more on the arts. This loss of my father figuratively put me on a quest to find my voice. It is only now, 30 years later, and after living through the very recent, very raw, very real death of my father that I have come to realize this. I chose to become a filmmaker as a way to express my inner world to my father with the hope of gaining his acceptance. It’s kind of twistedly pathetic on the one hand, and extremely liberating on the other. (At least to finally realize it, if nothing else.)
I went to school for filmmaking. I chose a technology school over some of the more logical film school choices such as USC or UCLA. I studied filmmaking at Rochester Institute of Technology and it took me forever to graduate. I loved my film courses but hated pretty much everything else that was required for a degree. I often took electives that did not count towards my graduation. I studied photography, C programming, glass blowing, woodworking, political science, etc… I dabbled in psychology. It was the kid in me wanting to know how everything worked. At one point I thought I’d go into game design.
I founded the Electronic Gaming Society on campus. I am told that it is now one of the largest student organizations on the campus. My efforts launched an entire degree program at the school combining the computer animation aspects of the filmmaking program with the software development aspects of the computer science department. I never really benefited from the program directly. I graduated with my film degree the year before the program officially started and I personally moved on. But it does feel good to know I started a mini-revolution at my school even if no one there remembers my name. I contacted the most recent president of the organization to tell him I was the first president, and his one word response was ‘ok.’ - People take shit for granted.
In filmmaking I have pretty much done every job, from being a grip, to editing, to catering, to most recently, Executive Producing a feature film. Most of my career though has been sitting behind a computer creating graphics and compositing for television commercials. My personality has pushed me towards the technical aspects of making films. Commercials are where the latest and greatest tech is pushed to the limits so that is where I find myself often. – Though, lately I feel that it has been to the detriment of my soul.
I haven’t worked in 3 months. I was laid off a year ago from my day job. For a year I did freelance work here and there while I traveled the world with my movie. My last film festival was in August. August is about the time I showed up here. I am going through some sort of existential midlife crisis. Unfortunately purchasing a Porsche is out of my reach even if I wanted the superficial way out of it. I can’t shake the feeling of disgust with the world we live in, and this overwhelming feeling that I am supposed to make some sort of difference.
I have 7 films that I want to make. 4 individual ideas, then my trilogy, my opus, what I refer to as My Star Wars, My Lord of the Rings, My Avatar, My Matrix… For the longest time this has been my purpose. This has been what drives me. Recently I watched the film Being There (1979) and that film says everything I ever wanted to say in one film. It has to be the single most brilliant film ever made. The film is so good that it has me questioning my purpose. If this film could be made and go relatively unnoticed, what is the point for me to make another film? Who will watch it? Will it matter? Watching that film has forced me to rethink all 7 films that I want to make. It’s like, why do I need to bring 7 more films into the world to state the exact same thing as Being There?
I’m also going through a divorce. I married an ENFJ. She originally blew me off when we first met, but she says she fell in love with my mind when she saw my first film. She stuck around against her better judgment. I became her ‘project.’ We have very strong connections but very different world views. She also comes from the upper crust of society. My mother grew up in a one-room house in the country and my father is from the inner city. My parents are the most successful people in my family and I am the first person of my generation to go to and finish college. So there is this dynamic in our relationship where my wife feels socially superior, and has an attitude that she gave up her social status to a certain degree to bet on my brilliance. She’s quite happy to let me know how much I have failed her on a routine basis. On an intellectual level I do recognize her sacrifice. She really did pay a social price to be with me. But it only causes my own bitterness to seep out because I completely despise the current power structure. I’m a firm believer in Meritocracy. You really should have to earn your place in this world, but every one should at least have a fair shot, an equal starting point. I get annoyed with stupid people who are in powerful places because of their last name. Yet... I stand at the threshold of the world of the elite, an outsider with his foot in the door, and I often contemplate if I could actually make a difference in our world operating from the other side of the door, or if crossing the threshold would change me for the worse. I've been preoccupied the last few months trying to decipher what 'they' know on the other side of the threshold that I don't currently know and if it is worthing knowing... Does the threshold really exist or matter?
I’ll stop here for now… I will say that I feel at home on these boards and spend way more time reading and digesting than actually participating. Mostly because many of you are brilliant. I'm more of a learner and an analyzer than a teacher. My mentor told me that the reason he was willing to teach me was because it helped him learn better. So I want to step out of my shell a little bit and participate more, but am not exactly sure how to help, or if my experience is relevant to any of you. I am certainly not wealthy or well respected, though I do have many fans. I am open to growth.
