Alright, fess up!

[preilemus]

...

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I've always wished I were a girl instead

 

[Cavallier]

Not only did I lose my virginity my freshman year of college, it was also the first year I ever kissed anyone! Woah!

Ditto...but that's not my confession.

I knew the email password of the Lying Cheating Bastard past boyfriend and I used to go into his account and delete job offer emails before he saw them.

HA! You are a wonderfully devious person!

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I've always wished I were a girl instead

Funny, I've always wished I was a guy as a kid. Then, somewhere in college, I decided it wasn't so bad being a girl. That's not my confession.

Here's my confession:

I am ridiculously scared of the dark. I intentionally leaped off a boulder into a mountain river. It was running really fast because of the snow melt off. I almost drowned. I thought I could swim to the other side before the current swept me away. I was wrong. I have leaned over the edge of a 18 story sky scraper with nothing to stop me from falling before. They don't have guard rails in places where they think no one will go but my father is a repair man and I'd go up there with him sometimes. I've stared down a charging moose and let me tell you they have terrible breath. The reason I've written this is so that you all can better understand that while I was afraid during those experiences I'm even more afraid of the dark.

I hate it. If it's night and the light in the room I'm in goes out I completely freak out. I panic. I run screaming to the closest things that gives off light. (Well, okay, I can't bring myself to scream when I'm really scared. My voice just dries up.) I've figured out that if I have the fridge door swing closed slowly I can make it to my bedroom right before the light goes out completely at a full out sprint.

I'm deeply ashamed about this. Why can't I realize that the room is exactly the same as it was when it was lighted? My mind populates with all sorts of horrible things when the light goes out and I can't gain control over myself. I've even taught myself to not panic in closed places and I'm claustrophobic. However, I can't control my own mind if everything goes black. I think that if I ever went blind I'd go insane.

 

[shoeless]

...damn, cavallier. that sounds awful, i'm sorry. you should get one of those tiny flashlights you can carry around just in case you ever find yourself in that sort of situation.


anyway, my confessions:

i'm secretly technically engaged to be married to my best friend. in two years. my dad is going to kill me.

i have a major inferiority complex, to the point where literally just about everyone, every thing, every personality type and subculture and style different from my own is in at least one way somehow better than me, and that's all i can ever see. i can't pursue the person i "want" to be because i "want" to be everyone. and that doesn't really work.

i think southern accents are kind of sexy.

i'm optimistic about damn near everything that isn't about myself. (huuuuge ego. huge huge huge ego.)

sometimes i can't tell if i'm happy more often than i'm sad or vice-versa. 'cause don't get me wrong, i am happy, it's just very, very easy to make me un-happy, and relatively difficult to pull me out of it. but it always happens. it's cyclical, and has been for years.

i want to become a chef.

a couple years ago, my best friend (the one i mentioned above) and i had a pact: if he would stop smoking, i would stop SI-ing. it half-worked. but i never felt more cared about in my life, especially because he didn't particularly want to stop smoking. he did it for me.




aaaaaand that's about it.
the only one nobody knows about actually is the last one.
i guess now it's out there.

 

[Cavallier]

...damn, cavallier. that sounds awful, i'm sorry. you should get one of those tiny flashlights you can carry around just in case you ever find yourself in that sort of situation.

I know but I refuse to do it. I figure that while I can't control myself to the point of not doing little things to avoid the dark such as the fridge maneuver then at the very least I won't actively give myself a crutch in the form of a flashlight. That's how I eventually got over my claustrophobia. I wouldn't allow myself to avoid places that would trigger it. Eventually after years of simply going about my life not letting myself avoid elevators, bars, or other small crowded places I finally started to get over it. I hope that by the time I'm in my 30's I will have beaten this issue as well.

Unless I'm at work. I know where all the flashlights are at work because I think that as a leadership team member I should be in control instead of a gibbering mess if the power goes out. Besides, it just embarrassing and I refuse to let people see me as weak.

i'm secretly technically engaged to be married to my best friend. in two years. my dad is going to kill me.

a couple years ago, my best friend (the one i mentioned above) and i had a pact: if he would stop smoking, i would stop SI-ing. it half-worked. but i never felt more cared about in my life, especially because he didn't particularly want to stop smoking. he did it for me.

He's a keeper! That is a good friend and I think that there are a lot of people out there who have married people who weren't as wonderful as this friend of yours.

I want to be a chef/baker/chocolatier/run my own restaurant!

 

[snowqueen]

I hate it. If it's night and the light in the room I'm in goes out I completely freak out. I panic. I run screaming to the closest things that gives off light. (Well, okay, I can't bring myself to scream when I'm really scared. My voice just dries up.) I've figured out that if I have the fridge door swing closed slowly I can make it to my bedroom right before the light goes out completely at a full out sprint.

I'm deeply ashamed about this. Why can't I realize that the room is exactly the same as it was when it was lighted? My mind populates with all sorts of horrible things when the light goes out and I can't gain control over myself. I've even taught myself to not panic in closed places and I'm claustrophobic. However, I can't control my own mind if everything goes black. I think that if I ever went blind I'd go insane.

I was exactly like this - I'm a bit better nowadays. I slept with the light on until I was about 35. I still don't like the dark but I'm no longer terrified in the way I used to be. I still don't like it if my arm hangs over the side of the bed. I also hate brushing my teeth because I'm convinced there's something behind me.

Crazy huh? I think I only started getting better once I had children actually. I'm 53 now btw in case you didn't know. So don't feel ashamed.

 

[Cavallier]

^^ Really? Thank you Snowqueen. That does make me feel better. I can't sleep if a body part is hanging over the edge of the bed. I have this irritating and unreasonable fear something will grab me. Okay, I'll keep working on it then.

 

[Waterstiller]

i can't pursue the person i "want" to be because i "want" to be everyone. and that doesn't really work.

That was how it was for me up until recently. And no, it doesn't work; it's like being pulled a million different ways. Eventually there was a point when I dropped the pursuit and began being. With no thing to change, no thing to search for, no thing to compare with.. it's this surprising realization that Who I Am is already perfect. Which is why I haven't been posting - me being here (or on any forum) had its roots in longing to understand myself and have a good connection with others.

/heather's silly stories.

 

[Chronomar]

My confessions:

I know nothing
I lied about finnishing my work
I upset people all the time
and further more show an unsettling lack of guilt about it all.

 

[Starfruit M.E.]

I'm sane.

When I mess up, I tell myself I'm an idiot, and I don't know what I'm doing.

But really I do.

 

[Logician]

Whenever i'm alone i explain myself to myself. In other words, i feel as if there is someone who is watching everything I see and hear as though it were i movie, and thus i feel obligated to explain to this "viewer" why i did certain things, what i think about certain things, etc...

I assume the "viewer" cannot read my mind, so sometimes ill look at something i noticed in a way as to make sure the "viewer" is aware that i am aware of it. Sometimes when I'm doing something I'm ashamed of, I'll even say things aloud as to try to make the "viewer" think my intentions are something entirely different, or that I'm simply ignorant of what I'm doing.

I even go out of my way to entertain the "viewer", saying things to myself to play off what i believe the viewer is probably thinking.

if i think that the viewer is confused by something I'm doing, I might say " you'll see soon enough" or if I'm not alone "I'll explain later"

I used to randomly say "i know your watching" aloud when i was alone, i figured that if i was right i would have totally freaked the "viewer" out, and if i was wrong then no one heard and i could continue with my life unaffected. Of course i don't do this anymore, because I've sense explained to the "viewer" what i was doing...

 

[Starfruit M.E.]

I relate to... some... of that. lol I regularly explain myself as well, and sometimes I think in plural as if someone is following me around.

It would be funny to see someone say that... maybe a paranoid movie character. That way they would be alone, but we could still see... yeah...

 

[Mr.Burke]

I'm only pretending to care. That is all.

 

[Decaf]

The problem is, no matter how much we write, only an aspect of the mind will be depicted, and even then there's no guarantee that 100% of what is shown will be accurately understood.

But does it really matter? I've wondered about this for a while. People don't become friends with facts. Developing a relationship with someone to any level relies largely on intuition. Emotions are part of it, but that can be regulated by our intellect to an extent. We get a feel for other people and decide based on that whether we want to be friends. All the other information is for three purposes:

* Not sticking your foot in your mouth (Aren't all these wheelchair ramps annoying? oh right... you're in a wheelchair...)
* Remembering things to let others know they register in your thoughts (Really? We got married a year ago? ... are you sure?)
* Learning about yourself

To that extent this forum is a wonderful place because there's minimal need for the first two, and when you are engaged in the third one, its natural to feel amiable towards those that helped it happen. Whenever Articog writes something I identify with, but hadn't put words to, I learn a bit about myself and thus feel good about him.

Yeah, all that was a bit reductionistic, but I'm sure most of you have had similar thoughts and I'm just voicing them.

___________

For my own confession, I admit to some of the same things Articog did. Highly sexual thoughts leads to a degree of shame that forbids me from allowing a healthy amount exposed to people who might actually want to know how I feel. Because I forbid the practice, I am immature in my expression, which exacerbates the problem.

The end result is that I rely heavily on my mimicry to start any intimacy with others. The problem is that it only works with those who are both able and willing to first express those sentiments towards me. This has made my romantic life a bit of a wasteland. Some bright spots, but many lost opportunities with those I would probably get along with better in the long term.

Backtracking a bit... the shame I feel is not entirely from my Christian upbringing. If that were the case, as I slowly analyzed and purged the sentiments that came from religion it would get better. The stronger origin is in my sympathy. I sympathize with the intrusions of other people's unwanted attention, with being reduced to your appearance in the minds of others, etc. Its like spotting a celebrity and wanting to meet them, but not wanting to be "another fan" ruining their day.

Part of it is pride not allowing me to seem the fool by my own standard, or worse a hypocrite. I'm working on it...

 

[GarmGarf]

I always keep a tab open with the Who's Online page to see what everyone's viewing...

My confession, I guess, is: you've just corrupted me.

 

[shadowdrums4]

I refuse to tell people things that happened to me. I refuse to tell them I'm depressed because it builds up. I refuse to tell them what my dad did or my neighbor. I refuse to tell them what my cousin still does. Why don't I tell them? I don't want them to worry and feel like I'm not worth all that fuss. They have their own problems to deal with. They don't need mine.

Sometimes I sit in my room crying about it. I don't admit to crying. When one friend called crying because of stuff that had happened with her dad, she got me in the middle of me crying about mine. I won't do it because I think I'm stupid for not being able to control these emotions. The events happened in the past. A long time ago. Even the ones that happened recently are nothing compared to what was so why should they bother me?

I honestly wish I could just tell those who care. I don't trust them though. Everyone I trusted hurt me or left or couldn't protect me. I want to protect them. More than anything, those I care about, I want to protect. I can't have them let me protect them if they see how hurt and scared I really am. I'm pathetic. I'm absolutely pathetic. All I have is my music and I'm terrified I'm not good enough at that.

I can't admit what I need. I can't admit what happened. As soon as I finish I'll go back to making myself believe I'm not bothered. That this is nothing but stupid teenage crap. I know that's not true though. I know that if someone came to me telling me that what happened/happens to me happened/happens to them, I would try to help them. Why can't I believe I deserve that kind of thing? Because everything has pointed to me being worthless. I'm worthless. I'm hoping I can do some accidental good by staying around. Emotions suck. I want to kill them.

 

[Polaris]

I can't sleep if a body part is hanging over the edge of the bed.

I wouldn't sleep if a body part was hanging over the edge of my bed either........

 

[ijustprotectedmyidentity]

im going to destroy my ego forever by wearing a chicken suit and then ill just wear only my underwear. ill do this for 2 weeks consistently and well see what my human mind and ego can take. transcendence? or nothingness? but a clear perception is making way i just have to grab my balls and do this shit

 

[Audentia]

I was exactly like this - I'm a bit better nowadays. I slept with the light on until I was about 35. I still don't like the dark but I'm no longer terrified in the way I used to be. I still don't like it if my arm hangs over the side of the bed. I also hate brushing my teeth because I'm convinced there's something behind me.

Crazy huh? I think I only started getting better once I had children actually. I'm 53 now btw in case you didn't know. So don't feel ashamed.

Re: Cavallier and SnowQueen..

Wow. Scary how similar this is to me! I finally got over it much more in my 20s, but it was horrible most of my life (even though I had an extremely safe, loving childhood). I think in some ways it's the sensation of being 'trapped' by the darkness that gets me the most. Also why I would never ever go swimming in dark water at night.. can't handle the darkness. Luckily, these issues have lessened even more since my bf has been in my life. It just bites when he's gone and I'm back to facing my paranoid, overly active and intense imagination. I've learned to keep a leash on it better, but it still gets the better of me every now and again, grrr . Another reason why I have to be careful about what I watch, scary movies, true crime, etc.. My imagination and mind obsess over it and use it against me, and I can't control it or shut it off .

 

[Chimera]

I wrap one arm around my waist when I'm trying to fall asleep at night and pretend it's someone else. Sometimes I
can't bear the thought that I'll wake up alone. Sometimes if I don't have my cat or dog with me the next morning, I get such an
intense feeling of loneliness that I want to curl up and die.​

 

[Geminii]

As much as I diss the USA, 80% of it is because I know it's capable of great things as a nation if only it would get its act together, and its failure to do so pisses me off.