Trivial
Redshirt
- Local time
- Today 3:39 PM
- Joined
- Oct 6, 2013
- Messages
- 13
I plan on making this insanely long because when I don't organize my thoughts, it typically consumes my mind and I start going in circles. So I'm just going to go pretty in-depth here to give you all a good idea of who I am. It's going to be a random collection of facts and skip around a lot, if this was a graded essay I'd probably spend more time making it nice and neat.
About myself: I'm 18 years old and currently a sophomore in undergrad. Majoring in business but leaning towards Entrepreneurship/Marketing. I've always been a quick learner, I started school a year early so I was always a year younger than all my grade. I was pretty weird looking as a kid so that's always hindered my self-confidence, but I've grown up pretty well. When I was younger I played video games very often, but not many. I had to 'specialize' in everything. I didn't like losing or being not good enough when it was within my power to change. I also took a liking to strategy games, specifically card games throughout my high school era. I always had a lot of trouble with teachers/coaches. As a way to verbalize my need for situations being "correct", I developed a very sarcastic personality. For example, anytime somebody misuses a word or states an incorrect fact, I feel this urge to jump in. Welp, people don't take too kindly to that sort of bluntness, so if you make it funny or say it as if you're joking, it's much more acceptable. Additionally, adults don't take well to children constantly questioning their authority.
I think a lot of my preference for video games was due to my lack of real connection with my friends/family. My parents always saw me as defiant. I would question literally everything they say or do. When I get hit with the "because we said so"... shit would never go down very well. They say it as not needing to justify their decisions to their child, but to me, I was simply seeking knowledge and insight. If I could understand their reasoning, I wouldn't mind obeying. Well, online I always had plenty of really great friends. I'd constantly be on forums and using ventrillo, or on the phone talking to people with similar interests as me. I also realized my whole life I've always had a single source of fulfilling my needs of social interaction. I never had many friends, just a few really close ones. I just can't feel close to people who are so different from myself.
Since I could grasp concepts easily, I was naturally good at most things I tried. When you combine that with the fact that I was typically smarter then my peers who were also a year older then me, and the subsequent reinforcement of how great I supposedly was, you get arrogance. As I've learned more about being an INTP, maybe it wasn't arrogance, though. See, what it was for me, was not wanting to try after I knew I was "pretty good" at something. I quit every sport or hobby I ever participated in because I wasn't willing to put in the effort to be the best, but I was content with knowing I could do these things if I wanted. Of course this is a great way to psychologically protect your self-esteem. If you never try, you can never fail! As such, there has always been this doubt in my mind that I may not be good enough or smart enough. I seem to have all these amazing ideas that nobody else see's, but acting on them is beyond difficult, so I constantly question whether I'm really as smart as I think I am.
If we operate under the assumption it was arrogance, then I can probably attribute most of my bad habits to it. Since I didn't feel like there was every a point in trying, I became the laziest procrastinator in human history. Literally everything I did had to have some sort of purpose. I wouldn't even shower until I felt like it was necessary. I don't even clean dishes, because I haven't seen much evidence that crumbs are actually harmful to your health. So, in my mind, cleaning a dirty dish for the sake of it being clean, is pointless. I'm not saying this is correct or rational, I'm just painting a picture of what has led to my terrible habits. So, I never pay attention in class, I never study or do homework. Why? Because I know I can do it. I wait till the morning of to cram for a test or do homework, and it always gets done. Granted, this wasn't full-proof, so while I got a 3.6 with essentially no effort, not getting a 4.0 always made me feel inferior.
Since I never payed attention in english class or really anything that I thought was "pointless", I lacked a lot of simple knowledge. For example, when to use who vs whom, where to place commas, the subject in a sentence, etc. It's all stuff I could learn easily, but have no motivation to learn. Well, this led to the biggest hit on my ego. The ACT/SAT. I knew (or thought I knew) I was more intelligent than most. Now I could prove it! My ACT score was a 25. The average is 21, which IMO is borderline incompetent. The typical scores of highly intelligent students is 30+. I didn't understand why I performed so poorly. Naturally, I blamed it on my lack of effort/studying. However, now I'm thinking there's something else in play. I've been doing a lot of introspection lately and have come to realize I operate at probably a 10% efficiency rate when it's something I don't care about. When I'm interested in something, I can pay full attention and retain the information easily. I noticed I'd have to re-read questions before I processed what it was asking, or have people repeat themselves. Like, when you have to skim through the questions on the reading section, I would skim each question 3 times before I remembered what it was asking.
I'm still not sure exactly what I may have but I doubt it's APD, and it's looking a lot like SCT (sluggish cognitive tempo), which is a subset of ADHD characterized by lack of energy. I also found people with SCT have the same trouble I do concentrating in general and more importantly, sleeping! I can't sleep for shit. My mind is always racing, thinking about things. Sometimes I think about thinking. That's one of the reasons I made this so long, if I left anything out then I'd be forced to think about it in circles until I organized my thoughts properly.
Anywho... my superiority complex rapidly transformed into an inferiority complex as my self-confidence began to fade. I had no way to prove to myself I was as smart as I believed. Yet it seemed so obvious, after all, people would constantly say stupid things. More importantly, people are so subjective. For example, welfare. A kid in my class last week talked about how much he despises it, as it's a way for lazy people to abuse the system. Now, I'm not going to go into a debate on whether or not it's an optimal system, but this mind-set is simply ignorant. Who's to say what level of "abuse" makes the system in dire need of being discarded? "It is better to let 10 guilty men go free then convict one innocent man". The same should apply here. Who's to say what percentage of effectiveness actually justifies it, but even at a 20% success rate, that seems like more than enough reason to help people who are struggling. My point is this: if you aren't factoring in all the relevant information, then your opinion is worthless (to me).
So. Since I was a child I was reinforced with the notion that I was of intellectual greatness. As time went on, I became lazy and the gap between me and my peers quickly closed. Even though I believed I was "better" in the back of my mind, I started feel worthless because I wasn't performing to my own expectations. So, if I never tried at math, why should I be proud that I was better at multiplication then all the other toddlers? It's not like I did anything special. Success becomes more of an expectation than it is an achievement. Since I always expected to be one of the best at everything I did, it killed my self confidence to feel like I was holding myself back. Every day I'd hate myself more and more, because I knew that my own lazy habits were the cause, and I couldn't force myself to break them. This wasn't depression though, I still thought very highly of myself.
That leads me into another topic, narcissism. While it would seem like I have a lot of narcissistic qualities, I actually have an extremely high amount of empathy. In fact, I'm overly-empathetic. I've gotten screwed over so many times and I'm actually incapable of getting mad. Why? Because I have this weird tendency which reflects "perfect empathy". I put my selves in their shoes and process thoughts as if I were them. In most instances, I felt like I didn't have a right to be mad unless they had cruel intentions, because I would have done the same thing in their situation. The problem is, I seem to have mistaken the lack of cruel intentions for proper consideration. For example, if a person is shot in cross-fire when a father is seeking revenge on his wifes killer, I wouldn't get mad at the shooter. But even if he wasn't intending me harm, he knew fully well that it was a possibility of his actions. And just like all of my friends who have done me wrong. They didn't care. I also seem to be overestimating my own actions. While I can see why they might of neglected how it effects me, I actually almost never fail to consider how my decisions effect others. As far as I'm aware that is.
I'm curious how the rest of you relate to my feeling of perfect empathy. Since I was so trusting and enjoyed helping people, when I started to see that the world didn't reciprocate, I became one of the most cynical and untrusting people I could imagine. At this point I always assume self-interest will trump any consideration to myself, and just honestly trust nobody. My theory was "whatever bad effects is worth it to weed out bad friends". Well, that's pretty incorrect. I should just protect myself.
So, now to finally talk about the title of my intro thread. I might decide in the future that I don't want to be anonymous, but for now I'd prefer it, so I'm not going answer any specific questions about this lol. But I won a very big tournament not too long ago, and in this specific realm of individuals, I was actually famous. It was surreal. It had a really strange effect on me, because it validated my confidence, yet at the same time it had no real standing on the world. Like, to this group of people I was great, but the rest of the world would see it as cute. This made me even more confused because my ego was inflating and deflating simultaneously. Anyway, the important part of this was the friendships. To any person who becomes known/respected or whatever, naturally people are more inclined to befriend you. How do I know who's really my friend?
That problem solves itself of course as time goes in. It was strange though, how I seemed to really like all of my new friends, who happened to also be successful players of this game. I asked nearly all of them, and pretty much every single one is an INTP. It wasn't any coincidence we were all exceptionally good at this game and got along exceptionally well, it just happened to lure people of our particular personality. It makes me wonder if I have to actually adapt to the world around me, or if I can be content with the minimal social interaction of like-minded people. My dad always tells me how unhealthy it is to be staying in on the weekends and not hanging out with friends often. It's mostly out of choice though. I often isolate myself and avoid hanging out with friends because it always comes down to the core of "optimal" choices (i.e., I can hangout with them and probably not enjoy it, or lay down and watch my favorite show).
If all of my friends are INTP, then it stands to reason I'd feel more at home than ever on a forums filled with like-minded people. I've been browsing a few threads here and there for a few weeks now and I'm really liking it. I'm actually pretty happy to be able to finally share all of my seemingly Trivial thoughts and get real feedback. I think about random things all the time and nobody ever cares to discuss them. Which is the reason behind my name, if you haven't made the connection yet. I over-analyze everything, it's hard to figure out what's relevant and what's trivial.
**Edit**: Looking back I probably come off very naive and conceited, that's actually not true at all. I'm very aware of my own limitations and faults.
In conclusion. I want to surround myself with people like myself, and I plan on becoming an active member in this community. Nice to meet you!
About myself: I'm 18 years old and currently a sophomore in undergrad. Majoring in business but leaning towards Entrepreneurship/Marketing. I've always been a quick learner, I started school a year early so I was always a year younger than all my grade. I was pretty weird looking as a kid so that's always hindered my self-confidence, but I've grown up pretty well. When I was younger I played video games very often, but not many. I had to 'specialize' in everything. I didn't like losing or being not good enough when it was within my power to change. I also took a liking to strategy games, specifically card games throughout my high school era. I always had a lot of trouble with teachers/coaches. As a way to verbalize my need for situations being "correct", I developed a very sarcastic personality. For example, anytime somebody misuses a word or states an incorrect fact, I feel this urge to jump in. Welp, people don't take too kindly to that sort of bluntness, so if you make it funny or say it as if you're joking, it's much more acceptable. Additionally, adults don't take well to children constantly questioning their authority.
I think a lot of my preference for video games was due to my lack of real connection with my friends/family. My parents always saw me as defiant. I would question literally everything they say or do. When I get hit with the "because we said so"... shit would never go down very well. They say it as not needing to justify their decisions to their child, but to me, I was simply seeking knowledge and insight. If I could understand their reasoning, I wouldn't mind obeying. Well, online I always had plenty of really great friends. I'd constantly be on forums and using ventrillo, or on the phone talking to people with similar interests as me. I also realized my whole life I've always had a single source of fulfilling my needs of social interaction. I never had many friends, just a few really close ones. I just can't feel close to people who are so different from myself.
Since I could grasp concepts easily, I was naturally good at most things I tried. When you combine that with the fact that I was typically smarter then my peers who were also a year older then me, and the subsequent reinforcement of how great I supposedly was, you get arrogance. As I've learned more about being an INTP, maybe it wasn't arrogance, though. See, what it was for me, was not wanting to try after I knew I was "pretty good" at something. I quit every sport or hobby I ever participated in because I wasn't willing to put in the effort to be the best, but I was content with knowing I could do these things if I wanted. Of course this is a great way to psychologically protect your self-esteem. If you never try, you can never fail! As such, there has always been this doubt in my mind that I may not be good enough or smart enough. I seem to have all these amazing ideas that nobody else see's, but acting on them is beyond difficult, so I constantly question whether I'm really as smart as I think I am.
If we operate under the assumption it was arrogance, then I can probably attribute most of my bad habits to it. Since I didn't feel like there was every a point in trying, I became the laziest procrastinator in human history. Literally everything I did had to have some sort of purpose. I wouldn't even shower until I felt like it was necessary. I don't even clean dishes, because I haven't seen much evidence that crumbs are actually harmful to your health. So, in my mind, cleaning a dirty dish for the sake of it being clean, is pointless. I'm not saying this is correct or rational, I'm just painting a picture of what has led to my terrible habits. So, I never pay attention in class, I never study or do homework. Why? Because I know I can do it. I wait till the morning of to cram for a test or do homework, and it always gets done. Granted, this wasn't full-proof, so while I got a 3.6 with essentially no effort, not getting a 4.0 always made me feel inferior.
Since I never payed attention in english class or really anything that I thought was "pointless", I lacked a lot of simple knowledge. For example, when to use who vs whom, where to place commas, the subject in a sentence, etc. It's all stuff I could learn easily, but have no motivation to learn. Well, this led to the biggest hit on my ego. The ACT/SAT. I knew (or thought I knew) I was more intelligent than most. Now I could prove it! My ACT score was a 25. The average is 21, which IMO is borderline incompetent. The typical scores of highly intelligent students is 30+. I didn't understand why I performed so poorly. Naturally, I blamed it on my lack of effort/studying. However, now I'm thinking there's something else in play. I've been doing a lot of introspection lately and have come to realize I operate at probably a 10% efficiency rate when it's something I don't care about. When I'm interested in something, I can pay full attention and retain the information easily. I noticed I'd have to re-read questions before I processed what it was asking, or have people repeat themselves. Like, when you have to skim through the questions on the reading section, I would skim each question 3 times before I remembered what it was asking.
I'm still not sure exactly what I may have but I doubt it's APD, and it's looking a lot like SCT (sluggish cognitive tempo), which is a subset of ADHD characterized by lack of energy. I also found people with SCT have the same trouble I do concentrating in general and more importantly, sleeping! I can't sleep for shit. My mind is always racing, thinking about things. Sometimes I think about thinking. That's one of the reasons I made this so long, if I left anything out then I'd be forced to think about it in circles until I organized my thoughts properly.
Anywho... my superiority complex rapidly transformed into an inferiority complex as my self-confidence began to fade. I had no way to prove to myself I was as smart as I believed. Yet it seemed so obvious, after all, people would constantly say stupid things. More importantly, people are so subjective. For example, welfare. A kid in my class last week talked about how much he despises it, as it's a way for lazy people to abuse the system. Now, I'm not going to go into a debate on whether or not it's an optimal system, but this mind-set is simply ignorant. Who's to say what level of "abuse" makes the system in dire need of being discarded? "It is better to let 10 guilty men go free then convict one innocent man". The same should apply here. Who's to say what percentage of effectiveness actually justifies it, but even at a 20% success rate, that seems like more than enough reason to help people who are struggling. My point is this: if you aren't factoring in all the relevant information, then your opinion is worthless (to me).
So. Since I was a child I was reinforced with the notion that I was of intellectual greatness. As time went on, I became lazy and the gap between me and my peers quickly closed. Even though I believed I was "better" in the back of my mind, I started feel worthless because I wasn't performing to my own expectations. So, if I never tried at math, why should I be proud that I was better at multiplication then all the other toddlers? It's not like I did anything special. Success becomes more of an expectation than it is an achievement. Since I always expected to be one of the best at everything I did, it killed my self confidence to feel like I was holding myself back. Every day I'd hate myself more and more, because I knew that my own lazy habits were the cause, and I couldn't force myself to break them. This wasn't depression though, I still thought very highly of myself.
That leads me into another topic, narcissism. While it would seem like I have a lot of narcissistic qualities, I actually have an extremely high amount of empathy. In fact, I'm overly-empathetic. I've gotten screwed over so many times and I'm actually incapable of getting mad. Why? Because I have this weird tendency which reflects "perfect empathy". I put my selves in their shoes and process thoughts as if I were them. In most instances, I felt like I didn't have a right to be mad unless they had cruel intentions, because I would have done the same thing in their situation. The problem is, I seem to have mistaken the lack of cruel intentions for proper consideration. For example, if a person is shot in cross-fire when a father is seeking revenge on his wifes killer, I wouldn't get mad at the shooter. But even if he wasn't intending me harm, he knew fully well that it was a possibility of his actions. And just like all of my friends who have done me wrong. They didn't care. I also seem to be overestimating my own actions. While I can see why they might of neglected how it effects me, I actually almost never fail to consider how my decisions effect others. As far as I'm aware that is.
I'm curious how the rest of you relate to my feeling of perfect empathy. Since I was so trusting and enjoyed helping people, when I started to see that the world didn't reciprocate, I became one of the most cynical and untrusting people I could imagine. At this point I always assume self-interest will trump any consideration to myself, and just honestly trust nobody. My theory was "whatever bad effects is worth it to weed out bad friends". Well, that's pretty incorrect. I should just protect myself.
So, now to finally talk about the title of my intro thread. I might decide in the future that I don't want to be anonymous, but for now I'd prefer it, so I'm not going answer any specific questions about this lol. But I won a very big tournament not too long ago, and in this specific realm of individuals, I was actually famous. It was surreal. It had a really strange effect on me, because it validated my confidence, yet at the same time it had no real standing on the world. Like, to this group of people I was great, but the rest of the world would see it as cute. This made me even more confused because my ego was inflating and deflating simultaneously. Anyway, the important part of this was the friendships. To any person who becomes known/respected or whatever, naturally people are more inclined to befriend you. How do I know who's really my friend?
That problem solves itself of course as time goes in. It was strange though, how I seemed to really like all of my new friends, who happened to also be successful players of this game. I asked nearly all of them, and pretty much every single one is an INTP. It wasn't any coincidence we were all exceptionally good at this game and got along exceptionally well, it just happened to lure people of our particular personality. It makes me wonder if I have to actually adapt to the world around me, or if I can be content with the minimal social interaction of like-minded people. My dad always tells me how unhealthy it is to be staying in on the weekends and not hanging out with friends often. It's mostly out of choice though. I often isolate myself and avoid hanging out with friends because it always comes down to the core of "optimal" choices (i.e., I can hangout with them and probably not enjoy it, or lay down and watch my favorite show).
If all of my friends are INTP, then it stands to reason I'd feel more at home than ever on a forums filled with like-minded people. I've been browsing a few threads here and there for a few weeks now and I'm really liking it. I'm actually pretty happy to be able to finally share all of my seemingly Trivial thoughts and get real feedback. I think about random things all the time and nobody ever cares to discuss them. Which is the reason behind my name, if you haven't made the connection yet. I over-analyze everything, it's hard to figure out what's relevant and what's trivial.
**Edit**: Looking back I probably come off very naive and conceited, that's actually not true at all. I'm very aware of my own limitations and faults.
In conclusion. I want to surround myself with people like myself, and I plan on becoming an active member in this community. Nice to meet you!
. My mind seems to work exactly the same as yours. The data in the book will have sufficiant logical backing for your brain to accept it as valid motivational science.
.)
