[advice needed] antidepressants killing my brain

[deathvirtuoso]

I'm not sure what's happening to me. I've had depression for a long time, but (in the past) I usually skipped my meds. Recently though, I've been eating my meds regularly and my emotions have been less volatile. However, I find myself pretty much brain dead all the time. I've stopped going to school (I guess it's considered a gap year). I do a few questions of math daily (literally just a few questions), and try to keep myself busy with writing in various languages. Then I watch a few videos, and read articles on celebrities. Honestly, I'm not really interested in celebrities and their gossips, but I've somewhat made it a habit to check certain websites everyday. I don't even know why. I think it's just to waste more time. A few weeks ago, I went to the library nearly everyday to do math and to read. I'm not even sure how to say this, but my mind used to be very active. I used to constantly think of weird theories, try to comprehend the universe (useless attempts though), and was always curious about something. My mind just wouldn't shut up. I was always trying to figure something out, even the most mundane things. I liked to figure things out myself first, before searching it up on the Internet and looking through books. There were always lists of things I wanted to know and learn. I had tons of (incomplete) "projects". But recently, all my mind does is create weird scenes/stories, and I've had a lot of intrusive thoughts. My mind probably consist mostly of intrusive thoughts, and I always try to distract myself because I can't stand them. Apart from those, I am pretty much feel lifeless, and my brain does not do much apart from telling me to eat and sleep. Not the kind of suicidal lifeless, but the kind where I don't even feel like I'm living. I don't feel like blaming the antidepressant, but it does seem like the problem lies with those. I've changed antidepressants many times, and this dosage is by far, the heaviest I've ever taken. I usually don't take it regularly because my mother locks them away and she often forgets to give it to me (and I was afraid that it'll mess with my brain). After months of despondency, I've eventually given in and am taking the antidepressants regularly now. But yeah, my brain seems dead most of the time. Am I changing? Does it sound like the antidepressant is to blame? What should I do? Even when I try to start on new projects or continue my old ones, I'd be struggling halfway through. It's like my brain doesn't want to work, doesn't want to think. It just wants to rust away. I used to complain about the amount of time school takes away from me, but now that I have all the time in the world, I find that I can't start a single project of mine. I've always envisioned myself to be starting all my projects and learning all that I wanted to do (albeit struggling, due to my laziness and lack of structure/routine) the moment I'm free from the (evil) clutches of school, yet I'm wasting each day away. Man, I'm honestly ruining myself.

 

[Grayman]

Shouldn't you be seeing a professional, who you can talk to, when you are on this stuff? What do they say about it?

 

[QuickTwist]

Grayman is right, you need to see a professional about this.

 

[deathvirtuoso]

Shouldn't you be seeing a professional, who you can talk to, when you are on this stuff? What do they say about it?

I rarely see my psychiatrist. Now that I'm out of school, I don't see my counsellor anymore. I see my psychologist about once a month, and she said, "It's normal."

I really find it very tedious and difficult to speak to any of these professionals. They can't seem to be able to understand me. Maybe I can't express myself well, but they almost always end up saying an awkward 'okay' before they move onto asking me the usual questions, "Any suicidial thoughts?", "Any thoughts of harming yourself?" etc. They move on too quickly, and when I try to talk to them again, they always explain that it is not important, and that what's more important is if I am suicidal or if I hurt myself. According to them, what is of importance is ensuring my safety (they seem to care too much about my physical health than mental health), and preparing me for school (because they know how much I struggle with the routine of school). Man, I don't feel adequate enough to criticize them since they're professionals, but since it's about my problems, shouldn't they prioritize what I feel is important as well?

 

[deathvirtuoso]

Grayman is right, you need to see a professional about this.

Thanks for the reply . I already am seeing one, but they aren't really helpful. My bills are heavily aided by the government, and it'll be hard to change psychologists. I don't want to waste further resources by engaging a private one. I've replied Grayman regarding it.

 

[QuickTwist]

I rarely see my psychiatrist. Now that I'm out of school, I don't see my counsellor anymore. I see my psychologist about once a month, and she said, "It's normal."

I really find it very tedious and difficult to speak to any of these professionals. They can't seem to be able to understand me. Maybe I can't express myself well, but they almost always end up saying an awkward 'okay' before they move onto asking me the usual questions, "Any suicidial thoughts?", "Any thoughts of harming yourself?" etc. They move on too quickly, and when I try to talk to them again, they always explain that it is not important, and that what's more important is if I am suicidal or if I hurt myself. According to them, what is of importance is ensuring my safety (they seem to care too much about my physical health than mental health), and preparing me for school (because they know how much I struggle with the routine of school). Man, I don't feel adequate enough to criticize them since they're professionals, but since it's about my problems, shouldn't they prioritize what I feel is important as well?

Wellness comes in steps, it doesn't all happen at once. When you are talking to them, they are seeing that you are likely disturbed in some way and they just want to make sure you are safe from self harm at this point. What I would do if I was you and I wanted a different outlook from the psychologist (whom I think you should be seeing more than once a month) is inquire about how you can improve your quality of life. That should get them to actually think to give you some tangible advice or at least some clarification. Did you think to ask them why they wouldn't give you any advice?

 

[Hadoblado]

See a professional.

Which anti-depressant? Your brain is 'dead' but intrusive thoughts have gone up? That sounds like zero upside. How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

The one thing I found anti-depressants were good for was limiting intrusive thoughts by scrambling the overused neural pathways. In general they didn't do enough for me personally, so I stopped using them.

See a professional.

 

[deathvirtuoso]

See a professional.

Which anti-depressant? Your brain is 'dead' but intrusive thoughts have gone up? That sounds like zero upside. How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

The one thing I found anti-depressants were good for was limiting intrusive thoughts by scrambling the overused neural pathways. In general they didn't do enough for me personally, so I stopped using them.

See a professional.

I'm 16. I'm not too good with medicine, so I'm not sure if this it, but it says, "Mirtazapime Sandoz". I've changed antidepressants many times, and this is the latest one. The cycle is usually prescribe antidepressant->increase dosage->increase dosage-> change antidepressants -> repeat cycle. I've had depression since 12. Thank you for answering.

 

[deathvirtuoso]

Wellness comes in steps, it doesn't all happen at once. When you are talking to them, they are seeing that you are likely disturbed in some way and they just want to make sure you are safe from self harm at this point. What I would do if I was you and I wanted a different outlook from the psychologist (whom I think you should be seeing more than once a month) is inquire about how you can improve your quality of life. That should get them to actually think to give you some tangible advice or at least some clarification. Did you think to ask them why they wouldn't give you any advice?

Maybe I'm too restless and too afraid of wasting time:/ but yeah I'll take your advice. Hmm... I think I'll ask them. Thank you! I think maybe it's because I used to cut myself and my cuts were very deep compared to other "angsty teens". Perhaps that is why they focus too much on my physical health. Well, I brought it upon myself. Thank you for the advice, I'll be sure to ask my psychologist the next time I see her.

 

[QuickTwist]

Maybe I'm too restless and too afraid of wasting time:/ but yeah I'll take your advice. Hmm... I think I'll ask them. Thank you! I think maybe it's because I used to cut myself and my cuts were very deep compared to other "angsty teens". Perhaps that is why they focus too much on my physical health. Well, I brought it upon myself. Thank you for the advice, I'll be sure to ask my psychologist the next time I see her.

Try to see your psychologist every 2 weeks if you can. It is very important that you listen to what they tell you and I know its hard, but its best to relax when you are talking to her and just try to soak up everything they tell you.

 

[deathvirtuoso]

Try to see your psychologist every 2 weeks if you can. It is very important that you listen to what they tell you and I know its hard, but its best to relax when you are talking to her and just try to soak up everything they tell you.

Her schedule is packed though. Thank you for taking the time to write these. I'll do my best, and make full use of each session with her thank you!

 

[redbaron]

Depending on the antidepressant this tends to happen.

A lot of them seem to work by simply regulating your emotional swings, which prevents the suicidal/depressive nature but can simultaneously make you feel apathetic about everything and cause concentration issues. I know a few people who've been on anti-depressants and have read a bit about them (not an expert by any means).

Maybe try increasing regularity of doses, with smaller doses. I know that worked for one person I know, where halving the pill and then eventually quartering the pill with each daily dose didn't affect concentration so much.

If you've been seeing professionals for four years I'm not sure how much it's going to help to keep seeing them. Or at least try to talk to some different ones to where you've been going. Second, third and fourth opinions might be more helpful.

 

[QuickTwist]

Depending on the antidepressant this tends to happen.

A lot of them seem to work by simply regulating your emotional swings, which prevents the suicidal/depressive nature but can simultaneously make you feel apathetic about everything and cause concentration issues. I know a few people who've been on anti-depressants and have read a bit about them (not an expert by any means).

Maybe try increasing regularity of doses, with smaller doses. I know that worked for one person I know, where halving the pill and then eventually quartering the pill with each daily dose didn't affect concentration so much.

If you've been seeing professionals for four years I'm not sure how much it's going to help to keep seeing them. Or at least try to talk to some different ones to where you've been going. Second, third and fourth opinions might be more helpful.

You're not understanding that getting better is a process. Obviously the therapy is having an impact since this person even cares to share this info with us looking for help.. Thats a sign of being more aware and more concerned of ones own personal well being and a step in the right direction.

 

[Jennywocky]

Yeah, like RB says, leveling out your dosage (more dosing x less-strong dosage = same amount of dosage in 24 hours) could help versus letting yourself spike.

It sounds like some of your issues are definitely due to the meds. Some ADs will fubar you pretty quickly. It depends on the type and the person. I never had issues on Wellbutrin (which impacts anxiety as well), but I couldn't stand Effexor. And I've had friends on other stuff where it did level them out too much and create sexual dysfunction, etc. Everyone is different.

Therapists tend to be like shoes in that some won't fit you or will chaff even with prolonged wear. I was lucky that I only needed to go to two before I found a fit, but basically you would need someone who tunes into you and what your issues are and can listen; it sounds like the current ones you've had are more business-like and just aimed at one aspect of your treatment.

 

[Grayman]

Was the increase of dosage done while your mother was inconsistent in providing you the pills? Was your doctor aware that your mother was not consistent in providing the pills before the doctor decided to up the dosage?

 

[QuickTwist]

Yeah, like RB says, leveling out your dosage (more dosing x less-strong dosage = same amount of dosage in 24 hours) could help versus letting yourself spike.

It sounds like some of your issues are definitely due to the meds. Some ADs will fubar you pretty quickly. It depends on the type and the person. I never had issues on Wellbutrin (which impacts anxiety as well), but I couldn't stand Effexor. And I've had friends on other stuff where it did level them out too much and create sexual dysfunction, etc. Everyone is different.

Therapists tend to be like shoes in that some won't fit you or will chaff even with prolonged wear. I was lucky that I only needed to go to two before I found a fit, but basically you would need someone who tunes into you and what your issues are and can listen; it sounds like the current ones you've had are more business-like and just aimed at one aspect of your treatment.

While I agree that finding a psychologist that you mesh well with is a good idea, right now what they are monitoring is whether this person is doing/thinking about self harm. So while I agree that finding a psychologist that you see eye to eye with is important, right now it could cause more confusion to get a second, third, fourth opinion, because they are all likely to say about the same thing and ask the same types of questions. Later down the road when this person is more stable, then absolutely, ask around and see other people, but right now its best that when in this chaotic state to be grounded in consistency.

 

[deathvirtuoso]

Was the increase of dosage done while your mother was inconsistent in providing you the pills? Was your doctor aware that your mother was not consistent in providing the pills before the doctor decided to up the dosage?

It was consistent up till the first 2/3 changes. After that, she wasn't consistent anymore until the most recent change where she left out some pills, and I'd remember to take it myself. She used to lock all of them up, because yeah, the doctor said so. Yes, they were aware.