Accepting Praise

[Decaf]

Anyone else have an inordinately difficult time accepting praise? I've been trying for a long time to learn how to do it gracefully, but when put on the spot, I really don't know what to do or say. I spend a few moments with my brain moving like lightning trying to rationalize out the proper response, but it never works. <sigh>

 

[loveofreason]

I think I've illustrated my great ineptitude for accepting praise, even given the time to consider it.

(Apologies for my gracelessness, Kidege.)

I'm better now than I used to be, but when you start from zero...

 

[Agent Intellect]

i'm the same way (what a surprise, eh?) when someone praises me for something, i usually just stand there like an idiot with a blank look on my face. am i supposed to thank them? am i supposed to return a compliment? am i supposed to get all emotional? i'm not sure. if anyone has good advice (maybe the way to respond to people of different personality types) i'd appreciate it.

which brings up another question for me: how do i give praise? i'm probably even worse at giving it then i am at receiving it.

 

[Ogion]

Oh yes, i can totally agree with that.
A similar thing is expressing thankfulness. You know, when you get a present or something like that. I mostly just say a quick "Thanks" and that was it, but i all the time think, now the one who gafve it is now disappointed, but how could i say it another way? Because everything else said would just not seem authentical to me. Like a lie, because i think people are expecting emotional reactions which i don't have (in general, not because for example their present was stupid), and when faking a reaction i can't help it but to feel totally duplicitous.

Ogion

 

[fullerene]

nah... I've no idea either. It has made me extremely uncomfortable since about early middle school... but it's not just praise in an of itself. I just hate getting praised for something I don't think deserves it at all--and hardly anything deserves it. My "thanks" comes out awkwardly because I don't mean it, downplayinig whatever it was that I did comes out sounding like an arrogant asshole, and ignoring it hurts peoples' feelings. 8-ish years passed and I got nowhere.

I've gotten a whole lot better at giving it, though. Unless someone has screwed up a situation 100%, which isn't exactly common, I can usually find something to say "well... ok, I think this part is right and this works fine... but i'm pretty sure you can't do these over here" (since people usually ask about homework stuff, at this point in my life). It matters not whether "these over here" are 80% of the problem... giving back the one or two things that went right make people take it better for some reason.

 

[nihilen.]

I'm pretty arrogant and force it. I have no idea what you people are whining about.

I have difficult time giving it though, I usually camouflage it in a joke or in an insult.

 

[Waterstiller]

I've learned to just say 'thank you'.

If it's the type of praise that I don't really agree with and it's for something that I'm insecure about, I'll usually try to just say thanks. But it's obvious that I don't really agree with them and I always try to move the conversation elsewhere afterwards. If it's the type of thing that makes me emotional, I am not sure what I'm allowed to say. How weepy and sappy can I be? There are all sorts of variables as to what I'm allowed to say, when, and where. Most of the time I can't say anything and then end up coming off as a bitch because a simple "thank you" answer feels unethical. But I've recently been chastised (a LOT) for not responding to emails that have been really helpful, and will probably just start simple "thank you" responses so that they don't worry that they offended me.

 

[Auburn]

It's awkward for me to accept praise. If I believe the praise is true, and not flattery, then I actually appreciate it - but still don't know how to respond. But if the praise is shallow, or out of convenience, I normally look at it in disgust.

Giving praise, however, I find much easier. I can give praise in all sincerity, because I know it's true - but it has to be true, which doesn't happen ofter since it's difficult for people to amaze me with something I consider praiseworthy.

Giving praise when it is not due (according to me) is dishonest, and I avoid it, usually. Sometimes people might get offended because I don't say anything courteous - but I don't consider myself at fault; I was simply try not to say anything that would be dishonest. Being dishonest to myself is worse to me than being a bit blunt and perhaps not as socially graceful.

"Honey, do you think this makes me look fat?"
​

Option 1: "You look fabulous honey! I love it" - lying, to cover for her sensitivity to accept truth as it truly is.

Option 2: "Well duh. If you are fat, no matter what you put on you'll still look fat." Being brutally honest - O.o - not a good idea either.

Option 3: "Well, yes. But I still love you!" - finding a bitter-sweet middle ground.

 

[Fedayeen]

I have always been terrible at accepting praise. I either don't like praise most of the time, or I have convinced myself I don't like it because I don't know how to correctly respond. The latter seems like a reasonable response. I usually just kind of shrug it off. Act like it is no big deal, and most of the time I don't think it is a big deal. In fact I think in sports a lot of the time they just like praising me because they like saying my name. (My name is Scott, but everyone calls my Scooter....at least in sports, which is where the name originated from.)

As for giving praise I have always been raised to say thank you, so I tend to say thank you to everything. It has probably lost it's meaning now because of it, but it is still a habit.

 

[Artifice Orisit]

"Honey, do you think this makes me look fat?"
​

Option 1: "You look fabulous honey! I love it" - lying, to cover for her sensitivity to accept truth as it truly is.

Option 2: "Well duh. If you are fat, no matter what you put on you'll still look fat." Being brutally honest - O.o - not a good idea either.

Option 3: "Well, yes. But I still love you!" - finding a bitter-sweet middle ground.

My suggestion would be to approach option 2 as a joke, that way she wouldn't know if she should laugh or cry. Emotional confusion is truly beautiful; which makes me wonder what Leonardo said to Mona Lisa before he painted her.

"I love you, and all your big curves" *slap*

 

[Decaf]

From recent experience I've started using this:

"Why do they make dresses that only look good on coat hangers and stick figures?"

I think questions are safer than statements in general.

<prays that his partner doesn't see this post>

 

[Ogion]

How about: "No Comment!"?
I don't know, when i would be living with a partner i strongly would like my prtner to know that i am not available in this stupid trick questions, and be it because i just may not catch the 'hook'.

Or what about: "You look good to me, but how others may see you i have no clue"

Ogion

 

[Sylzarra]

What annoys me is all the people who constantly deride themselves expecting people to praise them to make them feel better. What happened to taking pride in your self?

This includes partners as well. I mean obviously when a woman asks "honey how do I look?" shes expecting fabulous praise which just won't happen all the time because we are human we can't possibly look great all the time. Therefore i think the best course of action is to tell the brutal truth in all situations. It won't make you popular but at least its ethical.

Maybe when people truly do realize that beauty is not skin deeps we won't have to worry about this.

 

[kaririloto]

I can't take praise.
I feel awkward and about to say "Okay..." every time.

I don't get embarrassed, per say, so much as the undesirable complimented feeling.

Some thrive on praise.

I do not.

I give credit where it's due.

I have a friend who constantly asks for MAJORLY positive reassurance that she doesn't deserve.

I started telling her like it is.

She hasn't shown me one of her drawings for three months.

 

[NoID10ts]

"Honey, do you think this makes me look fat?"​

Option 1: "You look fabulous honey! I love it" - lying, to cover for her sensitivity to accept truth as it truly is.

Option 2: "Well duh. If you are fat, no matter what you put on you'll still look fat." Being brutally honest - O.o - not a good idea either.

Option 3: "Well, yes. But I still love you!" - finding a bitter-sweet middle ground.

Secret to a healthy marriage:

OPTION 1: LIE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! LIE!

 

[Jennywocky]

Anyone else have an inordinately difficult time accepting praise? I've been trying for a long time to learn how to do it gracefully, but when put on the spot, I really don't know what to do or say. I spend a few moments with my brain moving like lightning trying to rationalize out the proper response, but it never works. <sigh>

Standard decent response: "Thank you, I really appreciate that."

That's good enough, if you can't come up with anything else at the time.

When I was young, I used to point out why my performance was realistically not as good as they had perceived. After some more years, I realized that was a very lousy response -- not just inappropriate but sometimes even a slap in the face.

Basically most people aren't coming to you to offer a detailed analysis of your performance. They are basically saying, "Hey, what you did impacted me or meant a lot to me in some way," and they're not even really focused on the flaws or excellence, except as how they would prevent the former from occurring.

So all you need to say is, "Thank you, I'm glad what I did meant something to you or impacted you positively."

 

[flow]

I also have a terrible time receiving praise, or criticism for that matter (they both feel the same to me). I just see it as their opinion of something I've done, and I'd rather they saved their opinions on what I'm doing. Although I have to admit that when I do really badass things (which is all the damn time), I occasionally want credit for my ass kicking. Ehnn... meanwhile, I've started praising my friends on a daily basis for anything and everything...it's the only way I know how to express my love for them.

 

[EloquentBohemian]

"Honey, do you think this makes me look fat?"

The proper response here is distraction, such as a magician does so you won't notice him switching the rabbit for the elephant:

The one you share your life with: "Honey, do you think this makes me look fat?"

You: "Is that a thead hanging from the hem?"
Also, this allows for clever escape.

As far as accepting praise goes, I am getting better at this, but there is still a little voice inside whispering "You coulda done better."

 

[NoID10ts]

I don't recieve praise often, but when I do I am dumbstruck. i so rarely feel I deserve it.

I am a computer tech and I helped a teacher with a problem today. It was a very simple little thing, I am paid to do these types of things, but she made the biggest deal of it. She hugged me () and then wanted to buy me lunch or snacks or candy. I just had to back out of the room saying "its ok, it's my job, glad to do it". I was just looking for the nearest exit to get the hell out of there.

She is on the second floor, but for a moment I considered a John Woo style jump through the window with a stylish roll onto the ground outside. But then I remembered that I am not the most graceful S.O.B. and decided against it..

Giving praise is also very hard, unless it is my kids. I don't like this idea of getting or giving praise for things I or others are supposed to do.

 

[Agent Intellect]

I don't like this idea of getting or giving praise for things I or others are supposed to do.

i think thats a great way to sum up my own sentiments.

 

[flow]

It is a good idea to let others know that you appreciate what they do, regardless of if they are suppose to, though.

 

[Artifice Orisit]

The proper response here is distraction, such as a magician does so you won't notice him switching the rabbit for the elephant:

The one you share your life with: "Honey, do you think this makes me look fat?"

You: "Is that a thead hanging from the hem?"
Also, this allows for clever escape."

An awe inspiring display of husbandry skills.

 

[Ermine]

i don't have an outward problem with accepting praise, but inwardly, I can't accept it because I know different or I know better or I know about my inner inadequacies.

 

[EloquentBohemian]

An awe inspiring display of husbandry skills.

Thank you. Years of experience and a slightly devious nature.

...and the best defense is a good offense.

 

[Jesin]

"You look fabulous honey! I love it" - lying

Actually, that's not really a lie. You aren't saying, "No, it doesn't make you look fat", you're saying, "You look fabulous". As long as you actually think she does look fabulous, that option is totally OK.

 

[Decaf]

Another tact to take it to refer to our utter lack of sense of style. Throw out some talk about spatial awareness and she'll be the one trying to end the conversation.

 

[EloquentBohemian]

Also depends on what MBTI type she is. If she is INTx, you could ask her to define 'fat' and then engage in a deep discussion on the affects of female role models in Western society, thus avoiding answering the question and any possible repercussions later.

 

[flow]

Yes, but as an INTx, you shouldn't be dating/marrying a fellow INTx..

 

[Artifice Orisit]

INTX or not, women seem to have an amazing ability to spot even the slightest connotations of an insult. By asking her to define "fat" she will assume that you think she is fat and you’re having trouble articulating it or that you think she is close-to if not already fat.

But then an INTX type is unlikely to create such a situation in the first place or (particularly in the case of INTPs) will realise that they have done so. NT people tend to be harder to offend, so even if you do say something completely untactful the result may not be as worse as if they were a SF type.
Anyway from my experience being an INTP means having to consider everything that has been said, regardless of how offensive or potentially rude it is. So telling a INTP that they are fat may not be fully appreciated, but it may be considered and result in actual positive change, maybe.

 

[Ermine]

You might have more luck with an INTx woman. While I am overanalytical when it comes to the connotations and implications in comments, I'm a lot more likely to play your game.

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

Is an INTx woman inclined to even ask the question about whether or not something makes her look fat?

 

[Ogion]

Hm, perhaps as a serious question without the emotional minefield. You know, like because she may have a stage performance this day and thusly cares for her appearance.?

Ogion

 

[Ermine]

Is an INTx woman inclined to even ask the question about whether or not something makes her look fat?

From personal experience, I never ask that kind of stuff. I just ask and answer that question inside my head. I care about appearance, though I don't have fat insecurities, and I keep what insecurities I have to myself.