About being quiet...

[m.love]

How often do you hear these words...'You're quiet.' I must share this because I have been thinking about this on and off all day today. I am part of a team of 6 at work, and we were creating presentation slides for a much larger group. A higher level manager sat in, and half-way through the meeting he leans in and says 'you're quiet'.

Here is the thing...I've contributed to the discussion ~ 3 occasions. Certainly not leading it, but still. Here is another thing...one other person has not uttered a word, and another has been pretty much as quiet as me.

So, can anyone suggest as to WHY my silence is so dang loud?

As I prefaced, I've thought about this all day, and have yet to think of a good-enough answer.

 

[NinjaSurfer]

Maybe he was flirting with you
It's possible that he's referring to the decibel level of your voice, versus the frequency of participation

 

[Roran]

He's probably afraid. He might be thinking that your relative quietness combined with your "aura" (body language, tone, etc.) is a negative reflection upon him.

 

[NinjaSurfer]

now I'm curious more than anything-- can you please explain the higher level manager's tone, body language, eyes, smile, how he told you? whispered in your ear?

 

[SpaceYeti]

How often do you hear these words...'You're quiet.' I must share this because I have been thinking about this on and off all day today. I am part of a team of 6 at work, and we were creating presentation slides for a much larger group. A higher level manager sat in, and half-way through the meeting he leans in and says 'you're quiet'.

Here is the thing...I've contributed to the discussion ~ 3 occasions. Certainly not leading it, but still. Here is another thing...one other person has not uttered a word, and another has been pretty much as quiet as me.

So, can anyone suggest as to WHY my silence is so dang loud?

As I prefaced, I've thought about this all day, and have yet to think of a good-enough answer.

Your manner in talking may have a lot to do with it. If you did not present yourself in a way that seemed to draw attention, specifically, being quiet while speaking, but including mannerisms and method of speech, you would be perceived as quiet.

 

[GeneralPatton]

I would imagine if like me, your facial expression, while sometimes involved in the discussion at hand and other not, probably give the impression you have something to add but rarely do. When people tell me I'm quiet, I usually say 'your welcome.'

 

[Sanctum]

Probably because when you do speak it's something profound, normally you would expect someone who is smart to speak more often 1. because they think their ideas are better 2. They have a lot of criticism and 3. They just want to make it known they are smart. But with INTP's you don't get that you could say we are more of the humbler intellectuals. usually when someone has something going for them and they don't showcase it people get puzzled and a majority of INTP have Linguistics going for them so not speaking a lot is weird to most. But then again maybe he was flirting with you, one time a girl sat next to me on the bus and started to spark a conversation and in that conversations she said "your too cute, to be so quiet" but that ties into what i said earlier I supposedly have something going for me but the fact that i choose not to make it apparent puzzles people.

 

[m.love]

now I'm curious more than anything-- can you please explain the higher level manager's tone, body language, eyes, smile, how he told you? whispered in your ear?

He happened to be sitting right next to me and I recall he lowered his voice somewhat, but was still loud enough for the room to hear. I'm surprised at the flirting possibility only because the setting is so wrong. Possible, but not likely.

It's more likely he was commenting on my manner of speaking, as some suggested. I'm just not a very forceful speaker.

Thanks for everyone's comments - all good ideas and gave me some food for thought!

 

[NinjaSurfer]

He's a shitty manager, criticizing where everyone else can hear.
You should have said

"and???"

Or

"so?"

Or just not acknoedged him

Useless remarks without actionable recommendations especially involving public criticism really get on my nerves. And you're a perfect stranger. It's no wonder I make a shitty employee and got fired from my last job for having a big mouth

 

[RedN]

i think he was expecting more from you, not in comparison to the others but compared to the expectation

 

[Vrecknidj]

But with INTP's you don't get that you could say we are more of the humbler intellectuals.

Just for the record, I've met a fair number of arrogant INTPs. (I also know several humble ones, for what it's worth.)

Dave

 

[redbaron]

He's a shitty manager, criticizing where everyone else can hear.
You should have said

"and???"

Or

"so?"

Or just not acknoedged him

Useless remarks without actionable recommendations especially involving public criticism really get on my nerves. And you're a perfect stranger. It's no wonder I make a shitty employee and got fired from my last job for having a big mouth

Harden up buttercup

 

[Little One]

"You're quiet." = "I would be interested to hear more from you." Probably because he values your opinion specifically.

 

[cghhmnrtt]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzgTM6ArASI

FF to 6:20

 

[Words]

It depends on how the words "you're quiet" were uttered and the Non-verbal aspect of communication. Was it spoken softly or was it for everyone to hear? Was it "you're quiet" with a smile? or Was it "you're quiet" with a stern face?

Normally, people have an intuitive understanding of this. In which case, I'm guessing its "everyone to hear" + "stern face." If other people were more quiet then he might not have been paying attention to everyone and randomly chose you to represent all the other quiet members...or..

He's probably afraid. He might be thinking that your relative quietness combined with your "aura" (body language, tone, etc.) is a negative reflection upon him.

Aye. Some people are overly open about their concerns. If the manager respects the OP, then he would comment in this manner out of concern on the OP's image of himself.

 

[crippli]

Last week I was called out for being anti social. That was when I joined up to smoke pot, very drunk, I warned them that it didn't work on me. But I could do it for the social aspect. It sure worked on them. I was asked directly. "Do you consider yourself to be social?" "Why do you live in abandoned house(holiday, I need solitude part of the day at least). "Everyone talks about you"(i consider this to be highly exaggerated). "One can see your name on the lists, but no one has seen you" "I'm just going to say this straight out, I'm not afraid to do so". "your brother is so nice, and talks to everyone, while you are never to be seen, while clearly you are here".

I almost doubled over with mirth. Hilarious. I actually laughed out load. I told them, "good luck with psychoanalysising me, let me know if you figure it out". I also told them I considered myself to be social. This made them roll their eyes.

I did clap those two on the shoulder the next day when I saw them, and asked if they had sobered up and was feeling fine, with a grin. I still think it's funny, that they get so worked up with this. The irony is that during this stay, I connected a whole lot more internationally, with a beautiful Japanese women. A couple of Spanish women, some very interesting people from Venezuela, and others. While they are more social in their own bubble, with their own people. Not even sure they made new connections at all. Kinda make me wonder why they even bother to go abroad. And that was what they where wondering about me. As in, I'm anti social, just because I like to spend the time with new people? If they had payed a bit of attention, they would see that I was not by myself all the time, far from it. But as they where with themselves, they couldn't see that. And probably thought that I was by myself when I wasn't with them. Except at night, then that's true.

Not sure this answers your question. But clearly, being invisible can make you very visible. I wonder if it's just that they think you don't like them. I actually consider these types of judgements they make to be somewhat problematic. Creates some ripple effects that make things more difficult for me. Beware of this.

 

[EditorOne]

I'm with those who believe the manager has reason to believe you could make a valuable contribution and is perhaps disappointed you haven't done so. Presumably you are normally quiet but this time out haven't even murmured a teensy observation, and he noticed. No big deal, except you can use this to help find out what's expected of you.

INTPs arrogant or humble? Both! I'm often arrogant as hell on the inside, filled with contempt for the feeble fumblings of my fellow men, but I put out a pretty good edition of humility, at least up to the point where I can't stand it any more and say something logical, insightful and unfortunately accurate to the point of rudeness.

 

[redbaron]

I'm with those who believe the manager has reason to believe you could make a valuable contribution and is perhaps disappointed you haven't done so. Presumably you are normally quiet but this time out haven't even murmured a teensy observation, and he noticed. No big deal, except you can use this to help find out what's expected of you.

INTPs arrogant or humble? Both! I'm often arrogant as hell on the inside, filled with contempt for the feeble fumblings of my fellow men, but I put out a pretty good edition of humility, at least up to the point where I can't stand it any more and say something logical, insightful and unfortunately accurate to the point of rudeness.

Somewhat my biggest problem at work. I view it as a problem with the perception of others, not my behaviour. I have trouble in letting people down softly when they bring up ideas or thoughts that are either irrelevant to the objective or are inherently flawed/illogical. If it's a sensitive person, demonstrating this without hurting feelings is tricky.

At my most recent performance review I was told that, 'When you're on board with ideas, you're better than anyone. When you're not, you're negative about it and it hurts the implementation and other people don't get on board either as a result.'

My response was that the reason I succeed in the first place is that I recognize which ideas are worth pursuing and which are not. They can't argue with my results, and in a way I thought this assessment was a little unfair considering my results are THAT much better than anyone else who has been in my position prior. If the same people have been in charge of things for 5 years and no progress has been made towards fixing certain problems and indeed, some have gotten worse, I view it as not only logical, but necessary to challenge their ideas. As far as I'm concerned, my outstanding results are a reflection of my ability and willingness to tell superiors when their ideas simply won't work. Or in the case of already existing procedures, why they don't (work).

Basically what I'm saying is that no matter where you work as an INTP, if it is a workplace involving people there are hoops you have to jump through, people you have to smile at and less intelligent/intuitive people and procedures that you need to live with until you're in a position to change them. If you can go through this process and reach a position of authority, it is exciting to be able to implement new ideas with relatively free reign. I go to work excited every day, even though it's not overall an area I'm overly interested in outside of work, I essentially am getting paid to do what I was going to do anyway - think of ways that things could be improved.

 

[redbaron]

ON TOPIC

As someone working in a corporate environment, I recommend one of two responses.

1. If you weren't annoyed by it and were genuinely puzzled: respond with sincerity (just fake it if you aren't sincere). Ask a question like, 'what do you mean?' or, 'what makes you say that?' and then respond to his reasoning.

If it's a genuine desire for your input, he will say as much, at which point you can point out that you actually did contribute to the discussion or that you're mostly just listening.

2. If it annoyed you: Downplay it and give a smile or little laugh. If you were annoyed by the comment, this helps mask it. Follow up with, 'My concerns have already been expressed by others.'

The reason I would take option B and not A if I was annoyed, is that there's a chance you'll input an edgy/irritated tone into your question. Lightening the mood of the room with a friendly smile or a nervous laugh will prevent it.

This might seem overly analytical for a hypothetical situation, but you can apply it to a multitude of similar situations where you're put on the spot by a superior.

Importantly, always avoid being overly sensitive about it. Don't get sarcastic or defensive over simple comments, people who do this are viewed as (and often are) annoying and difficult to work with.

I felt like after two off-topic posts I better reply to the OP. Sorry m.love!

 

[skip]

When people tell me I'm quiet, I usually say 'your welcome.'

I love this. I may have to borrow it.

 

[EditorOne]

^ Yes. Slick. Very nicely done.

 

[crippli]

I don't know. It seems like this would acknowledged the comment. m.love was not the most quiet one. It seems fitting to me to prove this person wrong, and make this person look like an idiot. I tend to dislike when there is a job to be done, and some of the participants focus more on the participants then the job, and especially annoying if they can't even get that right. I.E m.love's EX.

The only issue I have with this way of retaliating is that I would do the same as I disliked in the first place. But newton stated that every force has an opposite force, or something along those lines.

 

[m.love]

To redbaron's suggestions, first of all, thanks. My actual response in that moment was "Oh, Am I, really?" Not in a defensive way, but in a genuinely surprised way. In retrospect, I wish I would have questioned as to why HE thought so, rather than point the question back to ME. But, well, the moment has passed.