A new beginning

[Rudolph Mondal]

Hello there. I don't know if you can see a trend regarding the past few threads I started but I kinda do so when I feel like I have to get something off my chest and there's no one "in real life" to share that with. Here it goes...

So I matriculated in university last wednesday and had orientation from that day till saturday night. It was a rather pleasant experience, really, the best orientation I've had so far. However...once again, I seem to have gone back to the ways of my former self.

In the beginning of the orientation I noticed there was a girl in my orientation group who was a lot like this girl who was in my class in junior college. Her mannerisms, her tone of voice, they were all similar. I found that girl attractive but didn't like her that way. Of course I didn't realize I didn't like her that way in the beginning so I got worried and felt awkward when I was around her. From the third day onwards though, I realized I didn't like her that way and felt at peace with everything...on the third day.

There were two guys in my orientation group that I really like. One hung out with me with we were going around looking at the co-curricular activities booths. That was day one. From day two onwards I realized that though he was still talking to me and giving me attention, he was more friendly towards other people in my orientation group and that kinda bugged me. The other guy said he found me really interesting on the first day and I liked that very much. In the days to come I'd usually lag behind the group and he'd too and we'd talk and on the second/third day we even went for a walk together which was really nice. Unfortunately, now we've been separated into classes and the former guy is in my class but the latter is not. I was kind of swooning inside when I found out that the former guy was in my class but I don't know what he feels about it. I spent the entire day with him and another guy and well...he was talking to the other guy much more than to me.

And then...there's this girl to whom I didn't really pay much attention to the first two days but on the third day she kind of complimented me saying she thought that where everyone saw my slow-thinking and fickle-mindedness as a weakness, she saw it as a sign of creativity. Then she said she knew people like me and all. I got to talk to her more on the fourth day. I told her that I'm always looking out for people who can appreciate me and she asked whether I thought she was one of them and then I said I suppose she was since she was talking to me. And then we talked about some more stuff. And I felt really really good that afternoon but later that night she spoke a lot more to others in my orientation group and well...yeah...I had lunch with her and the two other guys I mentioned today and she did talk to me and all but as expected she spoke to the others more. Oh well...

To clarify, I don't like her that way or anything and besides, she already has a boyfriend. But since she talked to me and said she found me interesting I thought she'd speak to me more than she did. We're also put in different classes so yeah, little contact I guess.

Gaah...I don't understand...why do I always scare off the people who initially take an interest in me? This wouldn't be the first time. Happened back in Junior College too. Gaah...

I'm not upset or anything. I just want to make close friends with whom I can share anything with. Maybe that's what scared them away? I kinda revealed too much. The first person with whom I shared the details of my illness was with the girl I mentioned above. I sort of wanted her to know because I thought that way we could be closer friends.

I'm always messing up, dammit. Gaah...All I want is some close friends and hopefully one of them would be a girl. Actually, if all the close friends I make are guys that'd be fine too. I just want a few...like one or two of them.

Anyway, that is all. Thanks for reading. Drop a comment or two if you feel like it.

 

[lonewolf]

Gaah...I don't understand...why do I always scare off the people who initially take an interest in me?

Who said that you scare them? Maybe they just want to get to know everyone before choosing who to spend time with.

Although not very often, it happens to me as well, but that's because I'm the kind of "mysterious" girl who never talks to anyone and hides behind the others, so people either hate me because they think I'm asocial or are interested in me (case#2 is extremely rare) because they believe I might have some secrets and stuff. When they realise how """normal""" and uninteresting I really am, they go away.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

Who said that you scare them? Maybe they just want to get to know everyone before choosing who to spend time with.

Although not very often, it happens to me as well, but that's because I'm the kind of "mysterious" girl who never talks to anyone and hides behind the others, so people either hate me because they think I'm asocial or are interested in me (case#2 is extremely rare) because they believe I might have some secrets and stuff. When they realise how """normal""" and uninteresting I really am, they go away.

You're probably right but it sucks that they give you hope by saying you're interesting and all that and later spend more time with other people. Maybe I'm just being selfish. Hmm..My parents tell me I behave like a child because I want everyone to pay attention to me.

Ahh...there was a girl like that in my orientation group too. I suppose I fall into the latter category because I tend to find people like that quite interesting. The very fact that they don't mix much with everyone else is itself very interesting.

I sort of want to meet a person with whom I can share everything and anything with and that person too will feel free to share anything and everything with me. There have been people like that in my life, one or two but I desire something closer. Something more...intimate? My parents tell me that I'm not mature enough to handle that sort of thing. I suppose that's true. Oh well...

 

[Rook]

I started university this year, same as you. One thing I realized is that when one seeks the really interesting people, with whom a good relationship can be established, one has to leave the introverted sphere once in a while.

Also remember, when someone talks to others more than to you, it may be becuase they are more extroverted than you and thus more comfortable conversing in a group. When you go into a conversation with more than two people, do not expect a person that knows you to focus their attention solely on you.
Rather engage the group as a whole, talking to all parties present. Then the one person you do wish to talk with will be more likely to talk to you.

Lastly, from my perspective at least, you seem to be over thinking this.
I do not have much experience at socializing, but I do know that the people you meet in the first two weeks are not always the people you will develop lasting relationships with.

There is almost always one person who you may not have noticed, and vice versa, who is socially compatible with you.

So, in conclusion: Broaden your social activities, at least initially. This will introduce you to new people, new conversations, new experiences and, hopefully, lasting relationships.
Adventure awaits!

 

[doncarlzone]

The very thing that makes you interesting is also one of your biggest obstacles in making new friends. I may be projecting but I think I understand where you're coming from.

People like to be around authentic people, however, it is very difficult to appear authentic when you're over analyzing every social situation. You crave having a relationship or friendship where you can be authentic, be yourself and not having to worry about scaring people off. If you type as an INTP, then the odds are that you probably never will be good at consistently making good first impressions. This has nothing to do with who you are as a close friend, in fact I'm sure a lot of people would love to have you as a friend if they only knew the authentic you.

In order to combat this, I would recommend changing your focus. Simply get comfortable with the fact that people may find you a bit weird etc.. The reality is that you do not need their approval, this is just something you think you do at the moment because you crave this close relationship. Once you get it, you will quickly realize it.

I know it first hand, I used to obsess over this and all of the analysis only made me appear less authentic. This is really old psychology but the most authentic people are the ones already in relationships, they simply have a lot less to worry about. If someone socially rejects them, so what? Why would they care? They need no additional approval even though they constantly get it as a result.

Being inauthentic has been a huge issue for me personally and I still do not appear authentic when first meeting people. But the biggest change happened for me when I started to expect this. When I'm in a new social setting, I simply except that the majority will probably dislike me somewhat. This doesn't mean that I'm being negative or anything like that, I still behave nicely (or so I like to think), I'm just not as afraid of being socially rejected as I don't expect/need the approval. The pessimism has without a doubt worked for me.

 

[StevenM]

^^ What rook says ++

Remember that they are all just people like yourself. They have qualities, and shortcomings, and they are all navigating themselves around. Be sure to be on the same level as the people you encounter. Don't idolize anyone, and yet don't stand over anyone. They are merely your peers.

It's an adventure to explore all the unique characteristics and social dynamics of other people, as well as exploring these in yourself. Have fun!

 

[Ex-User (8886)]

I have one friend and we know each other for 12 years. I think close relationship can be made by the time. Usually long time.

 

[Duxwing]

You seem so lonely as to focus more on 'finding friends' than on enjoying socialization and so hurt by previous failures as to repress your pain and focus on thoughts, which, unlike other people and how they make you feel moment-to-moment, you control.

To remedy this situation, let yourself again feel the emotions whereof friendships are and think not about friendship but whatever you want to do with whomever pleases you; for example, if someone's research project interests you, then join it without deeply considering what relationship will result.

-Duxwing

 

[Pyropyro]

You're doing well IMO. Anyways, Rook and the others already gave great advice. Gaining friends is usually a side effect of doing social activities rather than the goal.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

I started university this year, same as you. One thing I realized is that when one seeks the really interesting people, with whom a good relationship can be established, one has to leave the introverted sphere once in a while.

Also remember, when someone talks to others more than to you, it may be becuase they are more extroverted than you and thus more comfortable conversing in a group. When you go into a conversation with more than two people, do not expect a person that knows you to focus their attention solely on you.
Rather engage the group as a whole, talking to all parties present. Then the one person you do wish to talk with will be more likely to talk to you.

Lastly, from my perspective at least, you seem to be over thinking this.
I do not have much experience at socializing, but I do know that the people you meet in the first two weeks are not always the people you will develop lasting relationships with.

There is almost always one person who you may not have noticed, and vice versa, who is socially compatible with you.

So, in conclusion: Broaden your social activities, at least initially. This will introduce you to new people, new conversations, new experiences and, hopefully, lasting relationships.
Adventure awaits!

Thanks for the reply Rook. I suppose you're right that I have to engage the group as a whole rather than individual people. I don't feel comfortable in a group setting though. I much prefer one-to-one settings. But I suppose I have to learn to adapt to group settings since almost all social activities are centred around them. Hmm...actually, during orientation, I did try to engage the group but my attention really was kind of directed at one person only. Also we had sharing sessions during orientation and I'd always look at the ground when sharing stuff.

Hmm...in my experience though, the closest friends I've made so far were those who paid me more attention than others from the beginning. And it never works out when I try to approach people but if people approach me first and then consistently give me more attention, it sort of works out in the end.

But yeah, you're right, I should try to broaden my social horizons and engage in more activities. I actually sort of enjoy meeting new people because I sort of want to know what kind person they are. Unfortunately though, the majority of people aren't all that interesting to me which I suppose is a failure on my part. All the friends I've had so far, the close ones I mean, are all sort of...different from the vast majority of people.

 

[Base groove]

Don't you get enough fulfillment from just observing people and thinking ... "yeah, we'd be great friends or ... nah, I don't think we'd get along ..." without ever needing to actually talk to them?

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

The very thing that makes you interesting is also one of your biggest obstacles in making new friends. I may be projecting but I think I understand where you're coming from.

People like to be around authentic people, however, it is very difficult to appear authentic when you're over analyzing every social situation. You crave having a relationship or friendship where you can be authentic, be yourself and not having to worry about scaring people off. If you type as an INTP, then the odds are that you probably never will be good at consistently making good first impressions. This has nothing to do with who you are as a close friend, in fact I'm sure a lot of people would love to have you as a friend if they only knew the authentic you.

In order to combat this, I would recommend changing your focus. Simply get comfortable with the fact that people may find you a bit weird etc.. The reality is that you do not need their approval, this is just something you think you do at the moment because you crave this close relationship. Once you get it, you will quickly realize it.

I know it first hand, I used to obsess over this and all of the analysis only made me appear less authentic. This is really old psychology but the most authentic people are the ones already in relationships, they simply have a lot less to worry about. If someone socially rejects them, so what? Why would they care? They need no additional approval even though they constantly get it as a result.

Being inauthentic has been a huge issue for me personally and I still do not appear authentic when first meeting people. But the biggest change happened for me when I started to expect this. When I'm in a new social setting, I simply except that the majority will probably dislike me somewhat. This doesn't mean that I'm being negative or anything like that, I still behave nicely (or so I like to think), I'm just not as afraid of being socially rejected as I don't expect/need the approval. The pessimism has without a doubt worked for me.

I actually like it when people find me sort of weird. I'm usually not aware that I might be scaring people off till I actually see that they're avoiding me for some reason but by then it's too late. At the same time, I do not want to potray an inauthentic version of myself. I want to present myself sort of warts and all. Which means...that I tend to share things about me that others do not find pleasant. I always had the idea that if someone really wanted to be friends with me and appreciated me for who I was, that person wouldn't mind my quirks and blemishes.

I too think that most people do not like me. And for me, it's sort of true. It's like my vibe or something I do or whatever that kind of makes people want to stay away from me. But yeah, maybe I'm overanalyzing things.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

^^ What rook says ++

Remember that they are all just people like yourself. They have qualities, and shortcomings, and they are all navigating themselves around. Be sure to be on the same level as the people you encounter. Don't idolize anyone, and yet don't stand over anyone. They are merely your peers.

It's an adventure to explore all the unique characteristics and social dynamics of other people, as well as exploring these in yourself. Have fun!

I think I have a problem with idolizing people. There are some people I so badly want to talk to and be around I sort of think of them and way high up above me. I have to put an end to that I suppose. Hmm...

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

I have one friend and we know each other for 12 years. I think close relationship can be made by the time. Usually long time.

That's pretty true I suppose.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

You seem so lonely as to focus more on 'finding friends' than on enjoying socialization and so hurt by previous failures as to repress your pain and focus on thoughts, which, unlike other people and how they make you feel moment-to-moment, you control.

To remedy this situation, let yourself again feel the emotions whereof friendships are and think not about friendship but whatever you want to do with whomever pleases you; for example, if someone's research project interests you, then join it without deeply considering what relationship will result.

-Duxwing

I don't know if I'm lonely, really. I just want someone to appreciate me and with whom I can share everything with.

But yeah, I suppose I shouldn't think too much about the relationship and just have fun.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

You're doing well IMO. Anyways, Rook and the others already gave great advice. Gaining friends is usually a side effect of doing social activities rather than the goal.

Thanks. Well, yeah, I kinda realize that too now.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

Don't you get enough fulfillment from just observing people and thinking ... "yeah, we'd be great friends or ... nah, I don't think we'd get along ..." without ever needing to actually talk to them?

Hmm...not really...imagining how it'd end up isn't the same as actually doing it.

 

[Duxwing]

I don't know if I'm lonely, really. I just want someone to appreciate me and with whom I can share everything with.

That sounds like loneliness to me.

But yeah, I suppose I shouldn't think too much about the relationship and just have fun.

I hope you find lots of snuggles and tenderness.

-Duxwing

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

That sounds like loneliness to me.
I hope you find lots of snuggles and tenderness.

-Duxwing

Well...maybe I am lonely but I shouldn't be because my parents talk to me and friends occasionally talk to me. I find that I can't relate to them as much I'd like to and they can't relate to me as much as I'd like them to. I'm still searching for someone like that I guess.

Thanks. Snuggles and tenderness would be very much welcome.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

Hello there.

I feel rather awful right now. I didn't think something like this could lead me to experience emotions so potent.

In my orientation group, there's this guy I'm quite fond of but he isn't all that fond of me. I think I wrote about him in my first post. And remember that girl I mentioned who said she found me interesting? Yeah, well...

No, it's not what you think.

I think they've become rather close friends. And that hurts because I wish I was as close to them. I didn't think it'd hurt so much but it does, for some reason. Gaah...

I haven't really managed to make any close friends yet. I spoke to a guy in my class and who was also previously in my orientation group at length today. I told him everything. I don't know whether we'd continue being friends...

Dammit. I really wanted to be friends with them...especially the girl. Now I'm sort of all alone.

My housemates are pretty different from me. I can't really relate to them. I just want someone to be close friends with. Someone whose company I'll enjoy tremendously and who'll enjoy my company tremendously.

Gaah...

Any comments? I'd really appreciate some comments. Thanks.

 

[StevenM]

Don't take this the hard way. But in my opinion, you could benefit from a good counselor or therapist. It is their life's work to help people with these kinds of challenges. It is what they are experienced in; they are there for these types of situations.

To me, you are very clearly an INFP. With INFP's, their dominant function is instinctual, and it's introverted to boot. What I've noticed from this, is that INFP's may have a really hard time analyzing written, or spoken advice. Since logical thinking is inferior, it is really hard to "apply" rational advice.

INFP's are instinctual, so in my opinion, you have a great preference to experience in a tangible way to learn. It would help to have someone 'coach' you through these experiences.

In any event, I wish you luck.

 

[Cherry Cola]

You are somewhat weird and a loner right? That means sticking with you requires other people to separate themselves from the established groups somewhat, which they may not dare to do because they too fear loneliness. Solution: stick to one or more of the mainstream groups and hang out with the boring people as well til you're no longer an outsider in others eyes then you can be socially reclusive again without being excluded and those insecure but interesting potential friends are more likely to hang out with ya. No gain without pain

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

Don't take this the hard way. But in my opinion, you could benefit from a good counselor or therapist. It is their life's work to help people with these kinds of challenges. It is what they are experienced in; they are there for these types of situations.

To me, you are very clearly an INFP. With INFP's, their dominant function is instinctual, and it's introverted to boot. What I've noticed from this, is that INFP's may have a really hard time analyzing written, or spoken advice. Since logical thinking is inferior, it is really hard to "apply" rational advice.

INFP's are instinctual, so in my opinion, you have a great preference to experience in a tangible way to learn. It would help to have someone 'coach' you through these experiences.

In any event, I wish you luck.

Don't worry, I won't take this the hard way. I'm already seeing a counsellor fortnightly. I don't know...I feel like sharing stuff with other people like on this forum for example helps me more than when I share it with the counsellor.

I always thought I was an INTP till recently when I realized that I wanted to be an INTP but was actually something else. I suppose INFP's the closest fit. I don't want to be an INFP though. I can't write well, can't draw well, can't play an instrument well, can't act well, can't do any of the things that successful INFPs are known for. My interest used to be in the sciences and philosophy which is why I thought I was an INTP and really wanted to be one.

Remember I wrote elsewhere on this forum that sometimes I wonder if I'm faking my interests so that I can seem intelligent or something? I think that's quite true. Which implies that there's nothing really that I'm interested in. I seriously don't know what to do with my life. I can't do shit. All I sit around and do is hope that some really nice girl will come around and take and interest in me with me taking an interest in her too, of course.

In the past I was interested in many things but I don't find myself being interested in those things anymore. I'm in a university that specializes in design and engineering right now and frankly I feel like I'll letting down the people who let me into the university because I don't feel interested in anything.

Pfft. Maybe, going back to Maslow's hierarchy or something, I have certain unattained needs/desires in the lower levels which is why I can't progress onto the higher levels.

But yeah, to survive and make something out of yourself in this world, being an INTP is much more useful than being an INFP unless you're gifted in the arts or something. Sorry if there are any INFP's out there but really, what are INFP's good for? For whining and feeling pitiful about themselves? The good ones at least get to make good art out of it so it still isn't so bad but what about the rest of us? Those of us who aren't good at ANYTHING.

Sorry if I sounded harsh or edgy. I'm not in a very good mood right now.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

You are somewhat weird and a loner right? That means sticking with you requires other people to separate themselves from the established groups somewhat, which they may not dare to do because they too fear loneliness. Solution: stick to one or more of the mainstream groups and hang out with the boring people as well til you're no longer an outsider in others eyes then you can be socially reclusive again without being excluded and those insecure but interesting potential friends are more likely to hang out with ya. No gain without pain

I'm not really so much of a loner. I mean I do things by myself a lot but I desire the attention of people and grab it when I can.

Thanks a viable solution but I always feel really odd if I'm hanging around with the mainstream people. The fact that I don't belong there screams at me so loudly that it becomes unbearable to stand being around them. I don't dislike them or anything like that. I just feel really really uncomfortable around them or doing the things they do.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

Feeling pretty lonely right now. In the hostel with eight other housemates but no one's interested in me or wants to talk to me. At least at home I can get my parents to talk to me. Gaah...

I don't have the motivation to do anything, really. Except type stuff over here. I need an outlet and I need attention.

I don't know what I'm saying anymore.

Why doesn't anyone like me? What's so repulsive about me?

I want people to like me. I want them to give me attention. Pfft.

There really isn't anything to do. At least nothing I feel like doing.

I just want to talk to someone I guess. But there's no one to talk to.

Gaah...