Hello

[Eve]

Hi. I just stumbled on this forum today, and I hope I'm not intruding too much. I am not an INTP, but I've been married to one for almost 20 years. To make things really interesting, I am an ESFJ. Most of the time, it works, but every now and then, it doesn't. I won't go into all the details, but my husband is under a great deal of stress due to family issues. It's forcing him to engage in drama and conflict that he would much rather avoid. His frustration with all of that is becoming a problem in our relationship. I'm not really sure what I should be doing to help him, and also to avoid stepping on unseen land mines. Anyway..I thought maybe lurking around here might give me some insight. Please let me know if you'd rather I don't.

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

I'm pretty much all INTP.

Married to an ESFJ for about 13 long, long tedious years. Thank the gods the marriage finally, unequivocally died.

Don't want to project my misery on your situation but you might be fighting a losing battle.

If I ever try my luck at a relationship ever again I will never ever in a million years pair up with an ESFJ.

Its just as miserable for the ESFJ of course. Poor thing suffered just as much as me for all that time. For polar opposite reasons of course but the degree of suffering was the same pretty much I think.

That said, in theory any two MBTI types can maintain a good spousal relationship. What I'm hearing is this will be true as long as both are able to appreciate, respect, and give the other some of their basic needs.

IMO my ex was like Scarlett Ohara in Gone with the Wind. I reached a point with her emotions where, frankly: I don't give a damn.

As far as meeting the emotional needs of the other, it was like Dr Jekyl (the INTP when trying to cope with emotions) trying to pair up with a borderline personality disorder Mr Hyde (the ESFJ)

For starters, the emotional business of an INTP is incredibly difficult to deal with for the INTP all by himself/ herself.

When partners have to deal with them, its like dancing on landmines for the INTP-ESFJ combination in my experience.

 

[Eve]

Dr. Gregory, I'm truly sorry that your marriage didn't last, but I'm guessing it was for the best. I won't lie....it can be a real battle on both ends. I would never lay all the blame on him. But, even through the "negativity" of your post, it really did help me to hear some of those things. I generally have no idea what is happening in his head, until he explodes some of it all over me. So, thanks for responding!

 

[TheManBeyond]

hi man. welcome

Married to an ESFJ for about 13 long, long tedious years. Thank the gods the marriage finally, unequivocally died.

hey, could you explain me why were they so tedious? i mean without getting into the personal stuff, if you were with a person for 13 years at least the first 2 or 3 had to be good i guess? and even quite amazing at some spots. why would you start a relationship with a person you hate? unless we are talking about things that life bring in the less expected moment.
i say this because my ex gf used to think like this and always thought it was wrong. because we ended bad you can't put it as it was the worst thing ever. perhaps it is just the effect of time (3 years) and how big little issues turn to at the end making us believe that it was a disturbing experience. i mean, to try to remember the good things is harder than to hate becuz it already changed it shape.

 

[Seteleechete]

Here are some good links you might want to look up (just the top 3 on google really).

http://www.preludecharacteranalysis.com/types/intp/vs/esfj

http://www.personality-central.com/INTP-ESFJ.html

http://www.intpforum.com/showthread.php?t=15592

 

[Alias]

Wow, an ESFJ. I hope you find us interesting enough despite our differences. Welcome to the forum. I hope our advice can help you with your marriage. All I can say is to work with him to meet in the middle and reconcile with your differences.

 

[Eve]

Thanks, Alias! Honestly, just the feedback that I've gotten since posting this morning has been really helpful. I know I'm generalizing, but, so far, it sounds like INTPs think ESFJs are a total pain in the ass and maybe not worth the bother. Trust me when I say... that feeling can go both ways! But, on the really good days, when we're on the same page, I provide him the strengths that he's missing and he does the same for me. We're a really strong team. On the bad days, our weaknesses just collide and explode. It can be very messy. But, we've been doing this for a long time now. I'm hoping we'll find a way to work it out.

 

[Alias]

I haven't met very many ESFJs, but you seem to be one of the better ones. After all, you're willing to work with us. Other ESFJs give me trouble due to common clashes in ideology. Most (not all) are conservative and have little time to hear out an INTP and his crazy ideas.

 

[Seteleechete]

Personally I would probably not date an ESFJ, not because I don't think INTP-ESFJ has to be a bad match, there is plenty of evidence it isn't but because I am unwilling to compromise on quite a few things and as such the relationship wouldn't work out. However, a lot of INTPs are willing to compromise in which case such a relationship could be quite nice.

INTPs are probably willing to give in on any issue they don't care strongly about but really hate to give an inch on any issue they do care a lot about.

Also I read somewhere that when INTPs argue/get into a conflict about something they don't just argue about what may seem as a small issue, they actually argue about all the Future issues that would arise of similar nature and want to solve them before they happen (so as not to repeat the argument again). Other types may think they are being obstinate about a small matter(when they are thinking about all similar matters and consequences as well).

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

Dr. Gregory, I'm truly sorry that your marriage didn't last, but I'm guessing it was for the best. I won't lie....it can be a real battle on both ends. I would never lay all the blame on him. But, even through the "negativity" of your post, it really did help me to hear some of those things. I generally have no idea what is happening in his head, until he explodes some of it all over me. So, thanks for responding!

I would think that there is some hope for your relationship if you want it and are on this forum researching how to help him with his emotional needs. This is something my ex never would have done.

Keep reading up on INTPs and their struggle dealing with emotions...on this forum and otherwise. If you want of course.

This website might be particularly helpful in understanding your INTP:

http://www.intpexperience.com/Dating.php

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

hi man. welcome



hey, could you explain me why were they so tedious? i mean without getting into the personal stuff, if you were with a person for 13 years at least the first 2 or 3 had to be good i guess? and even quite amazing at some spots. why would you start a relationship with a person you hate?

I was conflicted from the beginning due to some fundamental incompatibilities.

However I thought/ felt the overall good outweighed the negative.

I was young and foolish.

The first 2 years were honestly pretty good. Its was downhill once she started having kids. <---looking back as soon as kids arrived on the scene she was getting what she wanted and her marriage to me became of less and less interest/ importance.