INTP Forum

You are no good at pursuing practical and comfortable interests, towards enjoying life as a journey of improvement and mastery and towards being safe and becoming financially robust. Not to mention becoming a family father. Since you cannot pursue worldly interests well, you fail to develop them in the first place. You develop fantasies instead, because you can. This is exactly what children do, when they play.

Your fantasies are a symbolic representation of what you would like to experience, when you are a grown up. I guess u would like to be a creator of something, like elon musk maybe or perhaps like dr greger from nutritionfacts.org, who has been inventing a new quality standard for science journalism, so you dream of creations, of output.

We want to create something, because it gives us social value, which allows for survival. When we make up fantasies to compensate for real achievements, most of us will make up fantasies that seem morally good, that other ppl would also like to be true.

We idealize ourselves as being the good believer in good fantasies, albeit they aren't true. We feel less judged and those who criticize a popular fantasy world don't get through to us. So dreams compensate for lack of popularity as well.

What is holding you back in terms of developing realistic wordily interests, may be an inability to socialize normally, because your personality is so child like and, well, i dont know the details of where you fail. Part of that is an obsession with wanting to be supported/liked more than wanting to support yourself.

You kinda judge your mother for being more childlike than you, but you are just now going through personality challenges, facing your dark side, that are typical challenges for young teenagers and serve to empower them towards distancing from their parents and exploring new identities, with chosen peers.

I think the problem between you and your mother is, besides a lot of butt-hurt, more like how "boys don't like/get girls" (and reverse), rather than a huge difference in maturity. Since you have these limitations, you can only become more mature and connected with reality by allowing for compromises, that may seem quite lame and scary. In abstract terms, i am the same and this is why we can relate.

For example, i was dreaming of being like carl jung, who, like auburn or thomas from pod'lair are also hoping to do, brings a discovery into the world, a game changing new way of looking at things. But in reality i probably should be something like a bicycle mechanic. I would have money, so i could have a girl. Perhaps i would be able to do vanlife and see the world. Might be fulfilling, transforming my anxiety.

But i failed to develop even the basics of being a grown up, by seeking some esoteric enlightenment instead. I speculate, we childlike people, may have some sort of juvenility (neoteny) gene switched on, that holds us back from becoming serious. May be the result of malnutrition.

My parents were physically short and i am a whole head taller, but still shorter then everyone around me. Barely as tall as the shortest women and i look like a child to everyone who talks to me. The juvenility gene comes with large eyes, a large forehead, a small chin. Christina Ricci.

This society has no nice playcorner for children like us, so it's hard to face worldly reality, its bitter-sweet to embrace it, appreciate it, make the best out of it, we are going to be loosers no matter how hard we try. But our parents shat children into the world. They are loosers too.

They just didn't have the opportunity to become escapists. So they became a bit narcissistic instead. The opposite (to shizoid) and more extroverted defense mechanism. "If you can't be real good, don't admit to yourself, just how bad you are and maybe you will be motivated to go on and fight the fight." You'r religion has a hidden version of such idealisation going on as well, only its fused into your fantasy world.

I wrote more on how i see your love affair with religion before, but it seemed too transgression to post that ...

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