leviathofnoesia666
Redshirt
- Local time
- Today 10:30 PM
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2015
- Messages
- 6
Ok, so this is a collection of the thoughts, experiences and ultime questions of this blessed-with-a-curse type that i retain, INTP.
First is the thought that i may have evolved to INTP.Explanation this is, i have always been an, in the most fundamental sense of the word, ODD character but i never understood my strengths and i have never glorified myself in any way, quite the opposite, i always denied my existence as important.
This started at a young age. Before i found out my type in the 10th grade as a class assignment, i knew the generalities of what i liked and what "my brain agreed with" but i never had the motivation to implement and study these topics vigorously/rigorously and in my middle school years went through a serious emotional breakdown that was soley my fault for i lost a relationship because/by the fact that it never existed(i "fell" for a girl/best friend but never had the confidence to tell her) and the result was the failing of my eighth grade year. After the fact, if i do something stupid, i tend to put the whole group of things i have ever did wrong into a sort of "recycle bin" and the reason i say they are not permanantly deleted is because i can remember them(not in-depth) but i deny to myself and everyone else that it was "me". If there is any illocal inconsistencies in that thought, let me know(probably so apparent they're tangible). I label them(actions) as a different person so i dont condemn myself even though this whole process probably overlies the condemnation nature of this thought and hides it. Because of this is it hard for me to remember basically my whole childhood (which to me includes even last year)(im 17 btw).Though before i got into ramble-mode i was gonna say something to this extent, how did any of my brethren/sisteren intps come to innately know how they were?? Did i never analyze myself or did i lack the confidence and motivation to notice that there were things i cared about and were good at.
My mom RECENTLY told me that i could have skipped the 4th grade and my parents didnt let me because i "was already the smallest one in my class" (is this not the most irrational reasoning youve ever heard?!!??!!?)and this angered me internally because it probably would have showed me that i was, indeed, good for/at something and i would have never failed the 8th grade. I tend to comtemplate how much more versed i would be in my intellectual pursuits if i would have been able to go faster through the school system. Failing that grade makes me feel that i will never know as much as i could have at the end of this life. I feel stupid though everyone looks at my schedule, grades, and classroom tendencies(the absence of note-taking mainly) and,even teachers, make false claims that i have an eidetic memory(which,at least, by oversupression,i dont have(that i know)(Free Contradictions $1.00)) or some magical power and i cant understand why they say these things for i cant understand how they(dont understand such blatant concepts) learn by memorization and cant understand something by its principle when if you learn the principle all that you need to do is click "apply".(maybe this is my Fe and Si acting up)
Since i feel stupid ive started a spree of book/pdf/AP class acquiring trying to amass a wealthy sum of knowledge that could possibly one day compensate for that missed year(and lack of interest throughout the rest)today i snatched almost every page of the site and every thread of the forum of the intpexperience (the refuge, technically, for the latter). I have started learning all types of computer languages and even downloaded a few pdfs on humanic languages but have only started latin(barely).I wonder, is this healthy or normal for intps? i feel healthy though i used to be stressless but ive gained a very small sliver(like the one piece of glass that disappears from a broken object got stuck in my forehead) of stress these past few months. Though this may be the product of last summer and how horrible it was.When i seen the thread Summer Depression i was ecstatic to know that it wasnt just me but then i read it and it was a different type of summer depression. The topic was basically depressed laziness (which was also BECAUSE of the laziness) and how to get out of that type of rut.Now think of the COMPLETE opposite.If you thought of forced laziness depression,you were correct.I noticed quickly that without school,internet access,a friends house or books(you probably cant imagine the madness), i could only think(and read the outdated encyclopedia or listen to music)and without any stimulus i was stuck sitting in my room in a totalitarian house of irrational sensors with nothing i could do to learn. Growing restless, i wrote poetry,i stared at the ceiling comtemplating.(NOTICE this was right after i learned of my INTP-ness(
) and was eager to learn more about everything(motivated)(why i never had this drive(or noticed it) before is for us to comtemplate))Now i looooovvveeee school,its an escape to my homeland,Skholarrvillle of Limbo,, though i only pursue a certain set of interests which, luckily, 3/4 of my classes are about.The question is is this apparently opposite form of summer depression theoretically probable in INTPs?Are there any things you could do in the same situation to battle and avoid this?hobbies?experiments?anything?
My next topic is of the parental nature,is there any way to prove to your parents they are judging your fate(groundedness) illogically and really without any true reason for punishment, even to a sensing parent and sensing stepparent (which you avoid like the plague:ignorance is oblivion
?An example of this irrationality is that once i fell asleep reading at approximately 7,7:30 and was awoken by my stepdad turning the light off and saying something about how my laptop was on my bed.i learned the next morning that i could no longer keep my electronics (which keep most my books that i have) after 9,even though my "bedtime"(another rather dumb rule)is 10 EVEN ON WEEKENDS.They believed i was up past 10 even though he woke me up(slightly,more like stirred).This made no sense and this is but one of many occurences.Also, when i try to have a debative friendly conversation they, for some reason, get surprisingly angry and claim i am "talking back" in which i ask politely ask how anyone can have a conversation without talking back to the other (telepathy??) but nonetheless they toss me to the flames and when i try to explain i was never disobeying but trying to find the "why" of the errand or behavorial change they (try to) MAKE me do. They hypocritically say then dont think, just do even though they usually say think before you speak and speaking is a verb, an act. And anytime i go on an intuitive questioning spree with my mom(well i did this once and the outcome was scary so i quit),her eyes proliferated, jaw went brick and askew and yelled at me "Im not sitting here talking about this stupid shit with you!".This made an impression for i was contemplating internally and testing different questions on to her and they were no where near on the stupid side in my opinion and if those topics are stupid, i dont want to know what is fascinating(maybe my mom doesnt live the life of that word).I really dont understand these people (or any truly) and want to know why they act so defensive to topics of the contemplative nature and why they will never let me EXPLAIN things and glance briefly at something and tend to find the most off-the-realm assumption as mentally possible and they dont even come to me and ask why this happened or why i did that.Luckily, my stepdad is kicking me out after this school year (though i have no way to be truly independent because i need a job,but for a job, i need a car, though for a car, i need a job,which for a car, i need money(and learning how to drive), and to get money i need a job 
. Im stuck but i stick to my curriculum,keep my head up,and search for autonomy in any source.This is my first time on a forum though ive been the 1 guest visiting very often and even my first time writing something serious on the internet.
i hope it was not hard to follow (i tend to rant divergently) and really hope JASON EVANS(cap. for clarity and piquing) will comment on this. BTW, i may ask more questions but now im really just fed up with typing(sleepy,disregard typos) so im gonna let these cook slowly.(they are my frogs in cold water and you are my oven).
UPDATE:well technically i havent posted anything yet but just know this is a different day.I just want to bring another question to my sphere table of them. I noticed something that i can barely(if even) can explain but it is mostly in a mathematical sense.Well, im in Calculus and it is the funnest time ive had in a math class mostly because it is more of the "why then how" approach opposed to the strictly "how" standard that just jumbles a bunch of rules in my head that i know but dont understand why and now i can see the tangible beauty of math and it is enlightening but i have a problem.EX.I know that C=2(pi)r^2(r-squared) but i also know that one day someone was thinking about circles and maybe drew one, stared at it for a while, then came up with radius and diameter(latter first most likely). then they might have calculated and etcetera. My point is they had to FIGURE IT OUT and that is how all math comes(as well as a ton of physiks). Frankly,(my dear,) I want to do something like that(it would synthesize proudness in me),i want to understand how they did it.The thing is i can ALMOST get there but i just feel fogged when i start to pinpoint something then i lose it altogether.I can understand a lot of it but when it get to squared things i dont realy understand WHY it is squared.I dont understand how squares come about. in physics, i can understand why v=d/t,w=fd etc. but never get it when it is something like PE=1/2*m*v^2(the problems are the 1/2 and v-squared) i understand that it is half the mass times the velocity times the velocity but i dont get why! i really just need to know what this fog is and why it exists and more importantly how to foil its plans.i hope you understand..cause i dont..
-(Friday, October 23, 2015)(<-UPDATE)
(Kuu Edit: ffs learn to make paragraphs. And spaces. Did you type this thing on phone? I though you had only missed the space after each paragraph but on editing realized there were none
, I did what I could...)
First is the thought that i may have evolved to INTP.Explanation this is, i have always been an, in the most fundamental sense of the word, ODD character but i never understood my strengths and i have never glorified myself in any way, quite the opposite, i always denied my existence as important.
This started at a young age. Before i found out my type in the 10th grade as a class assignment, i knew the generalities of what i liked and what "my brain agreed with" but i never had the motivation to implement and study these topics vigorously/rigorously and in my middle school years went through a serious emotional breakdown that was soley my fault for i lost a relationship because/by the fact that it never existed(i "fell" for a girl/best friend but never had the confidence to tell her) and the result was the failing of my eighth grade year. After the fact, if i do something stupid, i tend to put the whole group of things i have ever did wrong into a sort of "recycle bin" and the reason i say they are not permanantly deleted is because i can remember them(not in-depth) but i deny to myself and everyone else that it was "me". If there is any illocal inconsistencies in that thought, let me know(probably so apparent they're tangible). I label them(actions) as a different person so i dont condemn myself even though this whole process probably overlies the condemnation nature of this thought and hides it. Because of this is it hard for me to remember basically my whole childhood (which to me includes even last year)(im 17 btw).Though before i got into ramble-mode i was gonna say something to this extent, how did any of my brethren/sisteren intps come to innately know how they were?? Did i never analyze myself or did i lack the confidence and motivation to notice that there were things i cared about and were good at.
My mom RECENTLY told me that i could have skipped the 4th grade and my parents didnt let me because i "was already the smallest one in my class" (is this not the most irrational reasoning youve ever heard?!!??!!?)and this angered me internally because it probably would have showed me that i was, indeed, good for/at something and i would have never failed the 8th grade. I tend to comtemplate how much more versed i would be in my intellectual pursuits if i would have been able to go faster through the school system. Failing that grade makes me feel that i will never know as much as i could have at the end of this life. I feel stupid though everyone looks at my schedule, grades, and classroom tendencies(the absence of note-taking mainly) and,even teachers, make false claims that i have an eidetic memory(which,at least, by oversupression,i dont have(that i know)(Free Contradictions $1.00)) or some magical power and i cant understand why they say these things for i cant understand how they(dont understand such blatant concepts) learn by memorization and cant understand something by its principle when if you learn the principle all that you need to do is click "apply".(maybe this is my Fe and Si acting up)
Since i feel stupid ive started a spree of book/pdf/AP class acquiring trying to amass a wealthy sum of knowledge that could possibly one day compensate for that missed year(and lack of interest throughout the rest)today i snatched almost every page of the site and every thread of the forum of the intpexperience (the refuge, technically, for the latter). I have started learning all types of computer languages and even downloaded a few pdfs on humanic languages but have only started latin(barely).I wonder, is this healthy or normal for intps? i feel healthy though i used to be stressless but ive gained a very small sliver(like the one piece of glass that disappears from a broken object got stuck in my forehead) of stress these past few months. Though this may be the product of last summer and how horrible it was.When i seen the thread Summer Depression i was ecstatic to know that it wasnt just me but then i read it and it was a different type of summer depression. The topic was basically depressed laziness (which was also BECAUSE of the laziness) and how to get out of that type of rut.Now think of the COMPLETE opposite.If you thought of forced laziness depression,you were correct.I noticed quickly that without school,internet access,a friends house or books(you probably cant imagine the madness), i could only think(and read the outdated encyclopedia or listen to music)and without any stimulus i was stuck sitting in my room in a totalitarian house of irrational sensors with nothing i could do to learn. Growing restless, i wrote poetry,i stared at the ceiling comtemplating.(NOTICE this was right after i learned of my INTP-ness(
) and was eager to learn more about everything(motivated)(why i never had this drive(or noticed it) before is for us to comtemplate))Now i looooovvveeee school,its an escape to my homeland,Skholarrvillle of Limbo,, though i only pursue a certain set of interests which, luckily, 3/4 of my classes are about.The question is is this apparently opposite form of summer depression theoretically probable in INTPs?Are there any things you could do in the same situation to battle and avoid this?hobbies?experiments?anything?My next topic is of the parental nature,is there any way to prove to your parents they are judging your fate(groundedness) illogically and really without any true reason for punishment, even to a sensing parent and sensing stepparent (which you avoid like the plague:ignorance is oblivion
?An example of this irrationality is that once i fell asleep reading at approximately 7,7:30 and was awoken by my stepdad turning the light off and saying something about how my laptop was on my bed.i learned the next morning that i could no longer keep my electronics (which keep most my books that i have) after 9,even though my "bedtime"(another rather dumb rule)is 10 EVEN ON WEEKENDS.They believed i was up past 10 even though he woke me up(slightly,more like stirred).This made no sense and this is but one of many occurences.Also, when i try to have a debative friendly conversation they, for some reason, get surprisingly angry and claim i am "talking back" in which i ask politely ask how anyone can have a conversation without talking back to the other (telepathy??) but nonetheless they toss me to the flames and when i try to explain i was never disobeying but trying to find the "why" of the errand or behavorial change they (try to) MAKE me do. They hypocritically say then dont think, just do even though they usually say think before you speak and speaking is a verb, an act. And anytime i go on an intuitive questioning spree with my mom(well i did this once and the outcome was scary so i quit),her eyes proliferated, jaw went brick and askew and yelled at me "Im not sitting here talking about this stupid shit with you!".This made an impression for i was contemplating internally and testing different questions on to her and they were no where near on the stupid side in my opinion and if those topics are stupid, i dont want to know what is fascinating(maybe my mom doesnt live the life of that word).I really dont understand these people (or any truly) and want to know why they act so defensive to topics of the contemplative nature and why they will never let me EXPLAIN things and glance briefly at something and tend to find the most off-the-realm assumption as mentally possible and they dont even come to me and ask why this happened or why i did that.Luckily, my stepdad is kicking me out after this school year (though i have no way to be truly independent because i need a job,but for a job, i need a car, though for a car, i need a job,which for a car, i need money(and learning how to drive), and to get money i need a job . Im stuck but i stick to my curriculum,keep my head up,and search for autonomy in any source.This is my first time on a forum though ive been the 1 guest visiting very often and even my first time writing something serious on the internet.i hope it was not hard to follow (i tend to rant divergently) and really hope JASON EVANS(cap. for clarity and piquing) will comment on this. BTW, i may ask more questions but now im really just fed up with typing(sleepy,disregard typos) so im gonna let these cook slowly.(they are my frogs in cold water and you are my oven).
UPDATE:well technically i havent posted anything yet but just know this is a different day.I just want to bring another question to my sphere table of them. I noticed something that i can barely(if even) can explain but it is mostly in a mathematical sense.Well, im in Calculus and it is the funnest time ive had in a math class mostly because it is more of the "why then how" approach opposed to the strictly "how" standard that just jumbles a bunch of rules in my head that i know but dont understand why and now i can see the tangible beauty of math and it is enlightening but i have a problem.EX.I know that C=2(pi)r^2(r-squared) but i also know that one day someone was thinking about circles and maybe drew one, stared at it for a while, then came up with radius and diameter(latter first most likely). then they might have calculated and etcetera. My point is they had to FIGURE IT OUT and that is how all math comes(as well as a ton of physiks). Frankly,(my dear,) I want to do something like that(it would synthesize proudness in me),i want to understand how they did it.The thing is i can ALMOST get there but i just feel fogged when i start to pinpoint something then i lose it altogether.I can understand a lot of it but when it get to squared things i dont realy understand WHY it is squared.I dont understand how squares come about. in physics, i can understand why v=d/t,w=fd etc. but never get it when it is something like PE=1/2*m*v^2(the problems are the 1/2 and v-squared) i understand that it is half the mass times the velocity times the velocity but i dont get why! i really just need to know what this fog is and why it exists and more importantly how to foil its plans.i hope you understand..cause i dont..
-(Friday, October 23, 2015)(<-UPDATE)
(Kuu Edit: ffs learn to make paragraphs. And spaces. Did you type this thing on phone? I though you had only missed the space after each paragraph but on editing realized there were none
, I did what I could...)
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