Patria Mori, Chapter 2 (An Original Work)

[Duxwing]

Dear Forum,

Here is a link to Chapter 1 and the synopsis: http://www.intpforum.com/showthread.php?t=14494

Please, please give me some feedback; it's much appreciated.

Chapter 2: Sanguine Melody

The brisk morning air scorches Illian’s lungs as his feet thunder along the wet soil. Squinting into the glaring sunrise, he glimpses Artnoc’s arm stretch down before him, and seizes it! Their clammy palms straining, Artnoc pulls his best friend into the tree. And upon his reaching the top, their eyes, now full of terrified tears, meet again.

“Daddy! Daddy! Why?” screams Illian as Ocseiuq’s hammer pounds the flute into a razor sharp saber. Just as Artnoc’s wail descends into a sob; the plinks of Ocseiuq’s hammer against Illian’s flute descend into a low, growling thunder. Ocseiuq presents Illian the sword with a look of stern pride, staring right through him.

“Swords fill the hand of patriots, Illian! …Eugh, what’s that thing you’re sitting next to?”

“I’m Artnoc, and leave me alone you—“

“Swine: back to your own country! Back to your filthy cesspit of Suicitnemnoc!”

“Countries?” Illian sputters on his own tears as he laughs, “Daddy, I see houses and I see fields and I see you and I see me and Artnoc and everybody from up here in this tree, but I don’t see any countries!”

“Young Illian, foolish Swine! Young Swine, foolish Illian!”

“Daddy, what are countries for if you can’t even tell the difference between him and me!?”

“Patriotism! F—” the clang of the sword against the branch above Artnoc’s head cuts him off

“You!”

Artnoc retreats further up the tree, leaving Illian alone with his vengeful father. Ocseiuq grips him by the collar of his pajamas— the fabric creaking as the fibers stretch— and slings him, kicking and screaming, over his shoulder; Artnoc’s flute wails as he attempts to drown it all out.
“Help me! Help me! Why can’t you just HELP ME?”

As Illian cries out, the door slams shut.

 

[tikru]

I enjoyed reading this. It was funny and thought provoking and well-written. I particularly liked the lines:

“Countries?” Illian sputters on his own tears as he laughs, “Daddy, I see houses and I see fields and I see you and I see me and Artnoc and everybody from up here in this tree, but I don’t see any countries!”

“Young Illian, foolish Swine! Young Swine, foolish Illian!”

“Daddy, what are countries for if you can’t even tell the difference between him and me!?”

I think it might be good if you lingered a little more in your paragraphs. Take a little time for description.

 

[Duxwing]

Finally, a reply! And one with criticism, no less! Splendid!

Certainly, I'll see if I can linger a little more in my paragraphs. As for humor, though... Ouch. I wanted that passage to be heartrending. Nevertheless, I'm glad that it was thought provoking, for that was my overall intention. Chapter Three will be up soon!

-Duxwing

 

[Radiant Shadow]

I read it twice, once backwards (2-->1) and once forwards (1-->2).

One point of clarification: is it placed within a greater conflict (i.e, in medias res)? I did not know if the sparse background information and detail were intended - it feels slightly ungrounded, suspended in space.There are players and emotions, but no detectable relevance yet. This is pretty common in traditional dramas, but, even so, it feels loose and anorexic.

The subject matter is poignant and you convey the young boys well, in my opinion; institutional blindness, and, on a larger scale, innocence, are very realistic parts of youth that deserve all the attention they can get. Collisions between this and aggression produce some astounding psychological and sociological effects that are becoming increasingly pertinent in our time as we run out of space and world-bubbles collide with each other.

All in all, I like it. Keep up the tragic vibes, with a little more fleshing out! I look forward to the next chapter =)

 

[tikru]

Finally, a reply! And one with criticism, no less! Splendid!

Certainly, I'll see if I can linger a little more in my paragraphs. As for humor, though... Ouch. I wanted that passage to be heartrending. Nevertheless, I'm glad that it was thought provoking, for that was my overall intention. Chapter Three will be up soon!

-Duxwing

I remember reading an interview with David Foster Wallace where he said he was surprised that people thought Infinite Jest was funny because he had set out to make a sad story. There was a lot of sadness and pain in that passage, but I think there is always a little humor in the human drama (especially with a bevy of exclamation marks and abrupt dialogue changes). Not a bad thing... made it pleasant to read.

 

[Duxwing]

@Radiant Shadow
@tikru

Chapter 3 is up!

-Duxwing