why your conversation skills suck

[sushi]

conversation skills really revolve around this

feigning it and experience

or know the opponent and know yourself (sun tzu)

you cant sastisfy these two conditions , it will continue to suck.

even the most skilled conversationalists meet dead end and silence. There are always some people you will have shit conversation with and wish you never interacted with. it has nothing to do with extroverted functions etc.

 

[dr froyd]

other things from sun tzu that can improve conversation skills:

- Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected
- mystify, mislead, and surprise the enemy
- Fire is one of the most powerful weapons of war

 

[Black Rose]

Language is a form of social intelligence. As I get older I learn to communicate so that other people can learn also. So I also learned who is unable to learn at their given development level.

Emotions have the most value because it matters to know what people view as important because then that will let me know the flexibility of their ability to absorb abstract thoughts.

 

[ZenRaiden]

I tend to struggle initiating conversations. I just draw a blank.
I have trouble having meaningful back and forth.
I tend to have hard time knowing my audience. So when I speak to people I just say inappropriate stuff.
I also am aware that I make for some reason people uncomfortable, not sure why.

Once I know people and they know me it gets easier, but even then its hard.

While I am fully aware of these shortcomings, I never figured out how to fix em.

Its amazing I had this problem always.

 

[ZenRaiden]

other things from sun tzu that can improve conversation skills:

- Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected
- mystify, mislead, and surprise the enemy
- Fire is one of the most powerful weapons of war

OK this made me laugh. I actually feel as though people feel attacked by my presence.

 

[BurnedOut]

As long as you tell people what they want to hear, even sympathetic people with down's syndrome can be divas

 

[birdsnestfern]

Its ok to feel attacked - thats just pretty normal if you are a truth seeker its part of the suffering you must go through to be honest.

Its just better to stay true to yourself regardless of what others want to hear because your soul knows what you do and it all goes into your permanent akashic records. If you are truthful to yourself thats what matters if you believe in integrity.
Also, it means you actually value truth to a very high degree and allow people to be who they are. This in turn lets you find people that really match up. True soul mate seekers may live alone all their lives because they are looking for deeper connections. Two way depth is rare. Let it suck. But keep your good manners. Its a fine line, but you can be polite and truthful and you can know when to speak your truth by the level of importance something has to you. When its very important, speak up. Just maintain room for you and them, and say it kindly.

It may be about knowing your boundaries more than just words:


What he says is...where you've had the most pain in life becomes your superpower. You don't want to hide behind a mask, it limits your connection to your superpower. Connect to the part of you that overcame your biggest kryptonite in life and that is your superpower. Go there when you relate to others because you had to develop a LOT of empathy in your suffering and healing and that is your connection to the crux of you in the world.

be as authentic as F

Mastery Den Telegram

Daily content prompts and tips to help you grow your personal brand and online presence. From Alex at MasteryDen.com

t.me

 

[sushi]

I tend to struggle initiating conversations. I just draw a blank.
I have trouble having meaningful back and forth.
I tend to have hard time knowing my audience. So when I speak to people I just say inappropriate stuff.
I also am aware that I make for some reason people uncomfortable, not sure why.

Once I know people and they know me it gets easier, but even then its hard.

While I am fully aware of these shortcomings, I never figured out how to fix em.

Its amazing I had this problem always.

you dont know what you like to talk about
you dont know what the other party like to talk about

hence the problem

there is small talk, which most people hate but necessary, then there is knowing yourself and knowing what the other party likes.

conversation turns to dead air where you are clueless about yourself or the other party and cant find anything in common. Insightful or good conversations involve understanding your own interests and the other party's interests, which is rare and hard. first is the focus on yourself.
If the other party doesnt reveal much or disclose much, or its too different from your interest zone, its probably alright to end it and pretend nothing has happened.

 

[kora]

It's not complicated just ask questions tbh

 

[ZenRaiden]

you dont know what you like to talk about
you dont know what the other party like to talk about

hence the problem

there is small talk, which most people hate but necessary, then there is knowing yourself and knowing what the other party likes.

conversation turns to dead air where you are clueless about yourself or the other party and cant find anything in common. Insightful or good conversations involve understanding your own interests and the other party's interests, which is rare and hard. first is the focus on yourself.
If the other party doesnt reveal much or disclose much, or its too different from your interest zone, its probably alright to end it and pretend nothing has happened.

I kind of think this is good advice, sort of comes down to how to apply this.

It's not complicated just ask questions tbh

But make sure you don't become the resident therapist. I kind of always nodded and listened, and then I realized I never say anything about myself.
But ended up knowing everything about others.

 

[birdsnestfern]

And its not just conversation. There are ettiquette rules you have to follow for every different situation.

Everyone in a group was invited to a 'Christmas Open House' for people in a Buy Nothing Group.

What happens in an open house? I'd say you have to dress in quintessential Christmas attire, red velvet, black shoes, nice hair and makeup, and then bring a gift for the hostess, AND compliment them on their beautiful home, or someones home made food, thats about all I know to do, except, don't help yourself to the tv remote, or start playing on your cell phone, try to look interested in the conversation and say as little as possible and smile and nod and look grateful.

I will definitely not go, as there are likely dozens of rules I do not know about, like bringing a host gift, talking about where you've traveled, complaining or complimenting etiquette, that only Southerners know about, etc. Sounds like a nightmare.

Well, I found something from Martha Stewart, but I don't think I'll go. Not my strong point.
No, mostly, its about schmoozing and wearing your glitz and conversations. Ugh, maybe not for me.

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Be a good guest and avoid showing up empty handed.

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[ZenRaiden]

ts just better to stay true to yourself regardless of what others want to hear because your soul knows what you do and it all goes into your permanent akashic records. If you are truthful to yourself thats what matters if you believe in integrity.
Also, it means you actually value truth to a very high degree and allow people to be who they are. This in turn lets you find people that really match up. True soul mate seekers may live alone all their lives because they are looking for deeper connections. Two way depth is rare. Let it suck. But keep your good manners. Its a fine line, but you can be polite and truthful and you can know when to speak your truth by the level of importance something has to you. When its very important, speak up. Just maintain room for you and them, and say it kindly.

Yes, this is kind of what most people seems to agree on.
Even in real life, you can try to fit in, like I tried to. Never really worked.
My problem was I never wanted to be weird.
So I thought, "hey Ill do that thing everyone else does, because it seems to work".
It works, but just for them.

 

[birdsnestfern]

Thats so true. Introverts don't have whatever that is that Extroverts have that seems innate to the rest of the world.
We are on the outside, looking in. I can relate to that, especially being a transplant from West coast to South. The acting and need for attention is too shallow for our intelligence somehow and it doesn't work the same way.

 

[ZenRaiden]

Thats so true. Introverts don't have whatever that is that Extroverts have that seems innate to the rest of the world.
We are on the outside, looking in. I can relate to that, especially being a transplant from West coast to South. The acting and need for attention is too shallow for our intelligence somehow and it doesn't work the same way.

For me its back to the drawing board. Reinvent evolve make it work and then invariably crash and burn, and repeat.
Its an exercise in and of it self.

 

[dr froyd]

i think an important element of this social-skill stuff is to learn to recognize who you can actually vibe and communicate with.

like, if you find it very difficult to come up with good replies to what someone is saying, that might have nothing to do with your introversion or lack of social skill or whatever. I might just be that you and this other person are talking 2 different languages.

that's not to say that there's no such thing as social- or conversational skill, but I think it creates a lot of stress and confusion on the part of introverts when they engage in these awkward-type conversations, because they will always try to adapt to every person they meet (I know I did this thing for a long time). As I got a little bit older and started caring less about that kind of stuff, things became a bit clearer and easier. Like, I know that most people I meet don't understand my humor, but that's fine. If I meet someone who does, that's great and we'll have an entertaining conversation, if I don't – whatever, I'll just politely excuse myself and exit the scene.

 

[ZenRaiden]

i think an important element of this social-skill stuff is to learn to recognize who you can actually vibe and communicate with.

Yes, but when I say something funny, I am not sure its because they just don't get it, or they really don't like it. For instance once I had explained how I mean certain joke people found it funny, but the way it sounded to their ears they felt it was dumb.

When it comes to talking, it does sometimes feel like cross talk, but I feel like most people I know talk their own language in a way.

 

[sushi]

i think an important element of this social-skill stuff is to learn to recognize who you can actually vibe and communicate with.

like, if you find it very difficult to come up with good replies to what someone is saying, that might have nothing to do with your introversion or lack of social skill or whatever. I might just be that you and this other person are talking 2 different languages.

that's not to say that there's no such thing as social- or conversational skill, but I think it creates a lot of stress and confusion on the part of introverts when they engage in these awkward-type conversations, because they will always try to adapt to every person they meet (I know I did this thing for a long time). As I got a little bit older and started caring less about that kind of stuff, things became a bit clearer and easier. Like, I know that most people I meet don't understand my humor, but that's fine. If I meet someone who does, that's great and we'll have an entertaining conversation, if I don't – whatever, I'll just politely excuse myself and exit the scene.

i think extroverts related to more people per 100, like 20 to 40 per 100 people

while introverts relate to more fewer people per 100, like 5 to 6 per 100 people

either that or they are faking it.