Social Gathering FAQ

[Waterstiller]

Social interaction is great when we can chameleon, but what happens when the ability diminishes? For me, one-on-one communication is really easy with just about anyone. However, when more people come into the mix, that's when things start to break down. I'm anxious and don't really know what to do with myself.

In the past, I had created a social character out of necessity. The character was full of 'should' behaviors in order to function in these situations. Unfortunately, the character eventually failed to be operational. This has left me without a foundation in larger social settings and I've been eaten alive during them lately. I've also lost the ability to do public speaking.

The reason the character ceased to function was that it became more and more of a lie as I realized how much of it was behavior that wasn't truly me. I couldn't go back to the old social character because I simply don't want to live a lie. However, I'm still dysfunctional in many situations. Rather than resigning to being miserable, what can I do?

1) What do you do to survive larger gatherings?
2) How do you get away from an extrovert that wants to talk to you?
3) How do you appreciate shallow conversation?
4) Is there a way to drown out the overstimulation? Meditation, mindset, ect?
5) Can you recharge *during* the gathering?

6) Is it possible to create a character that would thrive in these situations while still being true to oneself? If so, what would be involved in character creation? IE: "Be the playfully inquisitive person, and try to subtly drag the shallow conversation into something interesting in a humorous way."

Feel free to add your own questions.

 

[Decaf]

4) Is there a way to drown out the overstimulation? Meditation, mindset, ect?

I've found that when I'm teaching people I can be myself. I've taught groups as large as 8, so I'm working my way up. More than that and I get into this momentum mode where I focus so intently on what I'm saying that when I'm done I'm desperately happy to get to focus off of me. I also need to be talking about something that still interests me (like when I taught my in laws about medieval military tactics for 20 minutes during Thanksgiving). Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but at least I felt like myself. If I hadn't been trying to explain something interesting I would have retreated from the attention quickly rather than enjoy it.

 

[Ermine]

1) What do you do to survive larger gatherings?

I look for people standing off to the side or in a corner that look bored out of their mind, and we usually find something in common, even if it's only boredom.

2) How do you get away from an extrovert that wants to talk to you?

I try to be as uninteresting as possible. If that doesn't work, I say I have to go to the bathroom.

3) How do you appreciate shallow conversation?

I don't. I just think of a way to satirize the small talk and make it come full circle. This is usually appreciated with chuckles.

4) Is there a way to drown out the overstimulation? Meditation, mindset, ect?

I just zone out, wander, start playing music in my head and hope no one notices me.

5) Can you recharge *during* the gathering?

Yep. If it's in a public place, I take a book with me to the gathering, and retreat to the handicapped bathroom stall if I need to. If it isn't, I try to take it down to a one on one conversation, which is much less stressful.

6) Is it possible to create a character that would thrive in these situations while still being true to oneself? If so, what would be involved in character creation? IE: "Be the playfully inquisitive person, and try to subtly drag the shallow conversation into something interesting in a humorous way."

I pretty much go by your example. I simply select the part of my personality that people universally appreciate. With women, I'm the playful, slightly quirky, oddly "wise" one. With men, I talk politics, philosophy, odd jokes, etc. In a mixed group, I go with the woman persona.

 

[sagewolf]

1: I avoid going. I think up an excuse-- any excuse-- to not go. If I get notice of the event on a short schedule, I can plead that; if not, I try to think up something else. Sometimes, I do want to go-- which I sometimes consider weird, but it's probably the trampled, mangled, deformed-at-birth Extrovert in me wanting some stimulation. (...High Introvert at all? I got 100%. man...)

2: IF I go, and someone wants to talk to me, I barely talk at all once they begin annoying me. My conversation becomes 'yes' 'no' 'huh' 'is that so'. They leave after a while.

3: I make a lot of jokes. Eventually, they won't get one of them, but this is Ireland so I can pass that off on them being drunk. (They always are, too-- a bunch of older teens at a bar is NOT a good idea, especially when no-one here cares about ID.)

4: Well, these events that I go to are usually big mad parties (once a year), so a few minutes on the dance floor usually block out everyone else, or even a few minutes in a secluded corner, just watching them all and spacing out. If they're not big mad parties, the secluded corner is fine. I get some food and pretend I'm busy eating, so no-one bothers me, then start thinking up plot ideas for whatever story I'm working on at the minute, or working out character kinks. Works a charm.

5: I go outside, or to a window, if I can: stuffy air reminds me of people. If I can feel fresh air, I feel more like I'm alone. It's usually colder than inside, too, and that helps for some reason. O_o

6: ...If I knew, I wouldn't have all the elaborate strategies I just outlined. I'm happy and amiable as much as I can be. If I meet someone whose conversation is genuinely interesting, I'm myself (more or less). If not I'm just amiable.

 

[Sylzarra]

1) I try to get out of it. But if i cant (which is usually the case cause I'm constantly dragged to these things) I do two things. If I am tired and not in a good mood i go outside or to some dark place and put on my ipod. Usually these parties are so large that noone notices my absense. If I am in a good mood or I have to be sociable for some reason or other I acutally take the persona of my big brother.

2) I give really short and unencouraging answers. I dont look them in the eye and i pretend to be disinterested (looking at your nails or picking at your dress or looking at your watch works really well).

3) If im in a good mood i pretend it is a game. I think how long can I possibly entertain this person. I also busy my self by using my psychology classes to start analyzing the person.

4) I usually pick a mantra to chant in my head or a happy memory to dwell upon (does this sound like expelling Dementors to you?) It keeps me focused on my goal, what ever it may be, in being at this party.

5)Again secret mantra.

6) Yes it is possible to create a diffrent persona. I mostly pretend I am my big brother ( who is flirtatious and a super hit with the ladies) or that I am a Maid of Honor at the Tudor/French Court smiling and charming all the nobles in hope of compensation. This way it turns into a game which can be beat using my analytical thinking.

 

[FusionKnight]

1) What do you do to survive larger gatherings?
2) How do you get away from an extrovert that wants to talk to you?
3) How do you appreciate shallow conversation?
4) Is there a way to drown out the overstimulation? Meditation, mindset, ect?
5) Can you recharge *during* the gathering?

1. Don't go. Lol. I generally avoid large gatherings of people, and the ones I end up at are almost always extended family, reunions with people I haven't seen in awhile, weddings, or work-related.

2. I try to stifle my urge to escape, out of respect for an extroverted person doing what they naturally do. I don't have to be a condescending prick just because I'm an I and they're an E. However, when the urge is unbearable, going to get food, going to the bathroom, etc are good outs.

3. You can't, really. However, you can turn shallow conversation into something a lot more interesting by asking questions. If someone comments on the weather, ask them what their favorite/least favorite weather is. When you hear inane comments, think about asking a question that will draw out an interesting topic.

4. Not that I know of. Large gatherings wipe me out, every time.

5. I usually try to detach from the gathering for a few minutes now and then to take a walk, to explore the venue, to flip through a book or magazine that's lying around, etc. This seems to help me recharge a little, making the rest of the event much more tolerable.

 

[Jennywocky]

Social interaction is great when we can chameleon, but what happens when the ability diminishes? For me, one-on-one communication is really easy with just about anyone. However, when more people come into the mix, that's when things start to break down. I'm anxious and don't really know what to do with myself.

True. I have found that I also carry a few different "hats" into a social gathering, costumes in my closet that I easily slip on.

I like to be the funny one, or the smart one, or the profound one.

Unfortunately, if i get in a group where those roles are all taken up by people who are more assertive or better at them than me, then I have nothing to do or say and I feel very "absent." I don't know what role to play in the discussion, and usually a few people hog the interaction. I am the sort to give other people space to participate if they want to, but some people use that as liberty to take over the entire thing.

In the past, I had created a social character out of necessity. The character was full of 'should' behaviors in order to function in these situations. Unfortunately, the character eventually failed to be operational. ... The reason the character ceased to function was that it became more and more of a lie as I realized how much of it was behavior that wasn't truly me. I couldn't go back to the old social character because I simply don't want to live a lie.

Well, who are you now? Who is the authentic WS? What does she do naturally and what comes easily to her? What are her instincts?

1) What do you do to survive larger gatherings?

I plan an escape route to limit my time, or I make time to excuse myself temporarily if I need to throughout the day. I also sometimes manage to "pair up" or get into the smaller groups that I need to function more easily.

2) How do you get away from an extrovert that wants to talk to you?
3) How do you appreciate shallow conversation?

(Both answers mixed together here.)

All conversation is useful. At least you're accumulating data about someone. Also, I guess I don't really pay attention to the details -- I just do it enough to keep asking questions and nodding at the right time, but otherwise I'm listening to WHAT people talk about and HOW they say it and I'm trying to figure out who they are as people. (The implications of the data.) I find that far more interesting.

Also, sometimes I'll contribute details from my day to THEM in turn. Stuff I don't care much about, sometimes, but they enjoy it.

But if you get bored, you have the ability to excuse yourself. Either you say, "Sorry, I need to run to the bathroom" or "I'm thirsty and need a drink" or "I need to go outside for a little, it's been good talking to you" or "It's been great to catch up, but there were some other people I want to see as well before this is over... maybe we'll talk later?"

Stuff like that. Extroverts might be insensitive to when you want to leave, so you need to be assertive in excusing yourself. They're also extroverts, so it's not as much of an affront; they'll just find someone else to latch onto, it's usually not a big deal to them.

4) Is there a way to drown out the overstimulation? Meditation, mindset, ect?

Firing a double-barreled shotgun into the ceiling a few times usually shuts everyone up quickly.

But if you would rather find stillness within, find a nice safe corner or cubbyhole and disappear into it. Or wander outside. Or go out to your car. Or walk around the block. Or go sit in the bathroom for five minutes.

Or find a larger group of people, where others are carrying the conversation, and then zone out and let them all do the talking. You look sociable, but you're really just contemplating.

5) Can you recharge *during* the gathering?

Only if I find people who excite my mind.

6) Is it possible to create a character that would thrive in these situations while still being true to oneself? If so, what would be involved in character creation? IE: "Be the playfully inquisitive person, and try to subtly drag the shallow conversation into something interesting in a humorous way."

I can't tell you specifics, hon. You just need to figure out what you really want at the time and what you're interested in, and then do it. And if you're bored and don't want to be there, don't feel compelled to put on the "party girl" schtick and act interested. It's okay to be noticeably polite while still not being really into it. Everyone has times like that. Figure out what you love and look for that.

 

[NoID10ts]

What is this "social gathering" of which you all speak? I don't think I have ever been invited to one.

 

[Jennywocky]

What is this "social gathering" of which you all speak? I don't think I have ever been invited to one.

it 'tis a cold, dark, miserable place, full of frenetic energy and violent stimulation, where the self is lost in a black abyss and you find your identity subsumed into a cruel writhing mass of creepy-crawlie psychotic personalities all seeking to be noticed and affirmed.

But besides that, they usually have good chip dip.

 

[NoID10ts]

it 'tis a cold, dark, miserable place, full of frenetic energy and violent stimulation, where the self is lost in a black abyss and you find your identity subsumed into a cruel writhing mass of creepy-crawlie psychotic personalities all seeking to be noticed and affirmed.

But besides that, they usually have good chip dip.

I do like chip dip!

 

[sagewolf]

What is this "social gathering" of which you all speak? I don't think I have ever been invited to one.

Big place. Bad place. Like highschool on steroids, but no teachers or structure to shut everyone up. Sometimes has drink. Sometimes has food. Always has noise that not even an iPod, MCR and top volume can not drown out. Never contains sanity of any kind. One a year, it can actually be enjoyable, the way the entire family only gathers once a year because they have to give themselves that much time to forget why they don't do it more often.

 

[Ms Independent]

Holy crap! This is the best thread ever!!!!

1) What do you do to survive larger gatherings?

I switch to survival mode- whatever I can do to get by. Does anyone else just stand idly by and just smile with a blank look on thier face? My mind races with a million thoughts about anything except what's going on around me and I apparently look rather spaced out. But it can work.

2) How do you get away from an extrovert that wants to talk to you?

I mention that I have bubble issues and that they're freaking me out. Usually it back-fires and they think I'm quite clever. It's an icebreaker if it works. If the E is sensitive, they're usually quite tolerable of my inadequacies. I appreciate these people. BTW- bathrooms are too freaky- there's usually "mistakes" all over the toilets, bodily odors, forgetful flushers... I avoid bathrooms. But outside is a nice escape too.

3) How do you appreciate shallow conversation?

It's that air-headed looking smile I paste on. Makes it somewhat tolerable- enough to get them to shut the hell up sooner than later, and leaving me to the noise in my mind.

4) Is there a way to drown out the overstimulation? Meditation, mindset, ect?

Refer to aireheaded expression above. *Butterflies and unicorns and pretty little fairies all around my slightly dazed blonde head.* (lol-space time continuum wishes linger)

5) Can you recharge *during* the gathering?

Not usually; when I get home I'm down for the count

6) Is it possible to create a character that would thrive in these situations while still being true to oneself? If so, what would be involved in character creation? IE: "Be the playfully inquisitive person, and try to subtly drag the shallow conversation into something interesting in a humorous way."

Well, I can still be me- just a less socially inept me- if there is a drink or two involved. Yes, 1 or 2 only- no one wants to see a quiet little introvert suddenly shed clothing and jump up on a table. No, wait- everyone wants to see that (too much said, too much said!) but that was in the party days. But a couple of glasses of wine usually helps to bring me out of my shell and relate more to those around me. I'm intelligent, I enjoy intelligent converstation, I don't enjoy polictics and interest rates, and I want to find that in other people. Often, in the smaller side groups, you can find someone who may appreciate that.
__________________

 

[INTPINFP]

(just my 2 cents) well, i think too much emphasis is placed on social acceptance. (just my 2 cents)

 

[INTPINFP]

Well, reading these posts, has admittedly made me feel nice and depressed/anxious/fearful inside

 

[Ms Independent]

What? C'mon-! Sure, to exist as a functional part of humanity, socialization from time to time is required. This demonstrates how we INTP's cope. It's entertaining to see everyone's coping strategies, and entertaining as hell. I feel great knowing I might, just once, be able to pin-point the other INTP in the room by their actions alone and migrate over there and we can just chill.
So, hang in there, INIFENISENESTJNJFPFJTPFJ. Laugh a little at yourself and then pick it all apart and figure out what it means! It's awesome!!!

 

[Kuu]

1) What do you do to survive larger gatherings?

If you can't be "normal", then don't try to. Or like a friend says: "embrace the weirdness". That means that I entertain myself by mustering all of my Ne's playfulness and spontaneity to be a provocateur, thriving on chaos, which then allows me to make interesting debates (at best) or annoy people while I analyze their thoughts and reactions (at worst). If there's a bunch of preppy shallow girls talking about their expensive designer clothes they just bought, I tell them they're nice and all but they look bad on them cause they're all ugly. Entropy increases! Or if the conversation is about how everyone agrees on their boring mainstream conservative views, I put on a poker face and say in a quite nonchalant fashion something terribly outrageous, sexually deviant and/or politically incorrect. The incredulous look on people's faces is priceless.

Hey, what's the worst that could happen? Not be invited ever again? Gods no! My life would become meaningless!

Also, brooding in a dark corner analyzing people's talk or dress style, their facial expressions, and their body language can be interesting. Maybe type them, or imagine them when they're older (or when they were younger).

Or maybe, if the party is not too formal and you have some familiar acquaintances, I bring my camera along. Thus I can "find a role" to fulfill that I can enjoy without having to listen to mind numbing conversations. Besides, extraverts + cameras + some alcohol can sometimes lead to quite interesting photographs.

What I completely despise is weddings. All the awkward family, the fake politeness, the embarrassing childhood stories, the stupid traditions, the needless formalities, the excessive displays of affection! Ugh. I've avoided going to 3 weddings so far this year, and this saturday will be my 4th (excessive schoolwork has its uses it seems), but I won't be able to pull that off next year on my sister's wedding without risking my mother's unending wrath... I don't know what I'm gonna do.

2) How do you get away from an extrovert that wants to talk to you?

Pretend you make a phone call . Or totally ignore them, as if they did not exist, this drives them crazy and can be quite entertaining, although the most insufferable of extraverts will then start nagging you to death, so use at your own risk.

3) How do you appreciate shallow conversation?

I don't. I try to end it by escaping to the bathroom or fiddling with my mobile. Sometimes after being so spaced out I just say whatever is in my head out loud. This random interjection makes everyone go huh? and is a perfect way to change the subject of a conversation.

4) Is there a way to drown out the overstimulation? Meditation, mindset, ect?

A couple of glasses of wine never hurt anyone.

5) Can you recharge *during* the gathering?

Only if I find something to really entertain me.

 

[djosey]

1) What do you do to survive larger gatherings?
2) How do you get away from an extrovert that wants to talk to you?
3) How do you appreciate shallow conversation?
4) Is there a way to drown out the overstimulation? Meditation, mindset, ect?
5) Can you recharge *during* the gathering?

6) Is it possible to create a character that would thrive in these situations while still being true to oneself? If so, what would be involved in character creation? IE: "Be the playfully inquisitive person, and try to subtly drag the shallow conversation into something interesting in a humorous way."

Feel free to add your own questions.

Interesting questions!
1) I have another character: basically humorous guy who doesn't care about anything (in kinda rebel way), who likes to drink and who is interested in girls.

This isn't totally artificial, especially for the "not caring" part. It's an act, but it's also the most natural act for me in these kind of situations and probably the only one I can do. It's inspired from others, I didn't invent it (in fact I sometimes consciously repeat something I heard someone else say).

It kinda works, problem is that i sometimes end up becoming friends with people I don't really like (the kind of person who goes to parties all the time and drinks a lot), and sometimes can't get along with people I like.

2) I actually like talking to extroverts because they speak I lot and are good at finding conversation topics, meaning I don't have to do that. Sometimes I just listen and ask some questions, sometimes I use my role, depends on how it goes.

3) I find it's better than embarassed silence. I use a few basic, probably boring conversation topics and then often don't know what to say. I very rarely honestly answer personal questions, often saying things like "oh i don't care about that" or pretending laziness.

4) toilet is useful, or try to speak with only one person that i get along well with.

5)hmm don't know what you mean

6) depends on who you're talking to, most of the time i'd say no.

 

[adastrac]

1) What do you do to survive larger gatherings?
If backing out from going in the first place isn't possible then I bring something with me... a book, my little internet tablet, my mp3 player, anything to keep my preoccupied without just standing around. Maybe I would take a walk outside by myself... maybe I would strike up a conversation with another lonesome ranger

2) How do you get away from an extrovert that wants to talk to you?
"Sorry, I need to use the bathroom" lol or sit there and nod until I become restless and annoyed, hoping that person will go away (if not, enter bathroom excuse)

3) How do you appreciate shallow conversation?
I would try to turn the shallow conversation into one that isn't so shallow. Inject a sarcastic joke every now and then, see if they warm up to me and whether or not I warm up to them.. if the person is stubbornly shallow, I would just excuse myself elsewhere.

4) Is there a way to drown out the overstimulation? Meditation, mindset, ect?
Think about the things that I find fascinating (overwhelming stupidity, overwhelming socialization, anything) at that party (I enjoy watching people). Or I might let my OCD flourish by trying to spatially "organize" people in groups (shortest to tallest, whatever)

5) Can you recharge *during* the gathering?
Yes if there is someone who I could conversate with. Otherwise I'll just go outside for a breather

6) Is it possible to create a character that would thrive in these situations while still being true to oneself? If so, what would be involved in character creation? IE: "Be the playfully inquisitive person, and try to subtly drag the shallow conversation into something interesting in a humorous way."
Despite my isolationist nature, I can be equally gregarious, too. IF I feel like it, I would loosen up a bit and just make jokes and create small talk. This is usually after a beer, maybe. Like number three, maybe start with shallow conversation and then transition into deeper ones (and with a lot of humor)