Shutting down emotionally. . what's up with that? (longish)

[Sweetheart]

I have a history of abuse, so when I try to self analyze, it's difficult for me to untangle what is from my past in terms of my childhood, what is remnants of the brainwashing I had in a religious cult, what is my true personality, and how it affects me and my relationships.

I'm not looking for moral acceptance or condemnation. . that's a different forum..

When I decided I valued truth, logic, fact, above fear, intense social pressure, and tradition, I realized I was in a vicious religious cult that was desperately trying to make itself out as a normal Christian religion. Except it isn't. It sucks out money, time and energy, preaches fear, hate, and superiority, and rips families apart who are not all "believers". In this environment, men are empowered and women and children suffer. It's difficult to get out. Think The Village, or The Trueman Show, or Pleasantville.

Anyway, I got married at the age of 20, to a church-approved man, thinking it was the right thing to do. I knew right away that something wasn't right. I grew up with a domineering mother, and after my first year of marriage I felt like my soul was crushed into submission. And so I stayed that way, mostly, until last year when I broke out of the cult (I'd come across some damning information about the church, which was actually a big no-no as we were taught not to read outside information about it because it was all lies from angry, evil anti's). Anyhow, at that point my husband became furious, telling me how I was the worst mistake of his life, he should've never have married me because he married me for who I was and not how strongly I believed, I was a terrible mother, a failure, crazy, telling me I needed to go on psych meds, threatening divorce, etc. Time has passed and there's been more drama since, but I've decided to move on from this marriage. It's stabilized, but I just don't love him, and I'll never be happy if I stay. The thing is, during the worst of it I met a wonderful man through the ex cult members recovery website. And I love him. He loves me very deeply. We're meant to be, I just know it. It's been almost a year. I haven't met my lover yet, as he lives a thousand miles away. But he's moving to my area in the next few months, which will at that point kick things off so I can go to the next part of my life and move on.

I've been noticing in general, a real dampening of emotions. Sort of like, I've tuned out, in some way. I think I have a lot of fear and anxiety, but I'm not really feeling that either. Only occasionally. When I talk to my lover, I want to be with him. I feel everything so clearly. It all makes sense. But because of how our lives are at the moment, we can't often communicate, or at least, not as much as we'd like to obviously. He is an INTP/INTJ, and ironically my borderline emotionally abusive spouse is ENTJ. I guess what I'm trying to say is, the closer the timeline for the transition is, the more the enormous magnitude of the change really freaks me out. I don't know why. I'm not living happily as things are nor will I if I don't change things. But in reality there isn't really much for me to be afraid of. There is a very sweet, loving man out there who will do anything to be with me and make me happy, and who I see myself being happy with for the rest of my life. He's told me not to be afraid. . that he knows without doubt that everything will be ok, and he'll be there for me, always. I think my head knows this, but my heart has been through too much pain and so emotionally I'm struggling. It seems it's hard to accept change in my life, even though I know it'll be an infinitely better existence.

If anyone can offer any insight, that would be helpful. .

And btw, I am seeing a mental health professional. I'm just not sure how helpful it is.

 

[QuickTwist]

This is going to be generic, but it might just be what you need (fingers crossed). Change is hard for anyone and your circumstances are probably changing faster than your mind can keep up with. I don't know much about cults, but I can tell that it is a good thing you have left your husband. He probably is so brainwashed that he has completely lost it. I also can say I don't know the full situation and your lover has a better idea of what's going on then I do. Him being a possible INTJ says that he is probably not just feeding you a line just to make you feel better. I would trust his judgement. Also, I know how it feels to be shut down emotionally. I was this way for the better part of 6 years. Whatever you do, do not lose hope. There is always tomorrow.

 

[Jennywocky]

It sounds like what you're doing is for the best, based on your personal awakening. And when you're in a situation like that, all you can do is leave -- and you often have to leave alone. (I've left religious community before, although not quite on the "cult" level, and it's a perilous and scary journey in the sense of leaving something you think is false for something that still is kind of vague and uncertain.)

I think it's great you have someone on the outside who you have grown to love over the distance, the relationship has no doubt been invaluable to you. I think some things to just be careful of:

- the person you were in the cult setting with your husband might not be who you are outside of that setting where you're allowed to be you. So "you" might change as you discover more of who you are and what you really want in a free environment. This can impact your relationships in the future; you might not be who you thought you were, exactly.

- likewise, the man you now feel that you love is the man you needed while you were in that cult and trying to escape. Outside of that context, a process of reevaluation will occur; your needs will change, you will change, and his relationship with you will change. You basically will be in a period of evaluating each other in a different context and whether you can establish a real relationship outside of your prior context (of being married within a cult).

- leaping from a controlling relationship straight into another relationship doesn't give you a lot of time to know who YOU are. And if this relationship doesn't work out as you hope, you'll still have to learn to be able to live on your own independently, no matter what happens. Salvation / Independence has to comes from you, from within you, and not from a man offering it. This new relationship exists independently from you deciding for you to make this change, so even if he disappears tomorrow, you still will be able to survive on your own and be happy with your decision to leave.

IOW, leave because you need to leave regardless of how this new relationships ends up. And be able to stand on your own two feet regardless. And be aware that you are likely continuing to change and evolve, as will these new relationships, so what is good today might not be good tomorrow; just be open to wherever things go.

 

[JansenDowel]

Wow, what an amazing story! Thanks for sharing. I don't think anyone here can offer you solid advice. From what I can tell you are not stupid and are therefore your own best consort. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[StevenM]

There is a very sweet, loving man out there who will do anything to be with me and make me happy, and who I see myself being happy with for the rest of my life.

I'd say there are too many people who think and assume that:

- My happiness depends on others.
- I am under the shackles of life's circumstances.
- I can't face challenges.
- My struggles are beyond my control.
- I need to rely on others to fight my battles.

Contrary to putting you down, I want to bring you up.

...I decided I valued truth, logic, fact, above fear...

Your happiness depends on the small simple things you can do. Life's circumstances can for sure be quite challenging, but they have no power to shackle you. The truth is, you will always be quite capable of facing any struggle you meet in life. You have just the right amount of intelligence and capability as anyone to make any ends meet.

Anyways, something more relevant to the topic:

Be wary of the guys who are super nice, will give and give, and bend over backwards for you. Even they have their limits.

When in true love, if one partner is not happy, the other will not be either.

Learn, and practice how to combat and take control of your struggles. Show yourself just how capable you actually are. The answer is, again, the small, simple things you can do for yourself on a daily basis.

 

[StevenM]

He's told me not to be afraid. . that he knows without doubt that everything will be ok, and he'll be there for me, always. I think my head knows this, but my heart has been through too much pain and so emotionally I'm struggling.

It seems it's hard to accept change in my life,

I'd say go for it. What's the worst that can happen? If something bad does happen, will you not be capable of handling it in the long run?

There's a weird qualm I have with two people coming into love. Instantly, there is almost always a life contract being signed on the spot. In one fleeting moment, a huge responsibility has befallen on both parties. You are both now chained to each other, forever, expected to never have an option of escape if need be.

It's odd, because with casual friends, there is usually a much fairer option. You meet a friend, and it's expected that you enjoy each other's company, each having the right to step back if the need arises.

I think even in your situation, you need not fear, if only you retain that right to escape if need be. Go for it, and enjoy the other persons company. Love him. But again, if the case really need be, know that you have options. You have rights.

Be sure to set up boundaries for yourself, and make it known that they don't get crossed. And learn his boundaries, and try to respect them as well.

even though I know it'll be an infinitely better existence.

You don't know that. Psychics use 'trick's' to deceive people into believing they have paranormal powers. Nobody can foretell the future.

The one thing you can be sure of, is that things change.