Seeking Coping Advice from more developed INTP's.

[TylerTennessee]

Hi, and thanks for reading my very first post here. I'm going to try my best to keep this short and use unambiguous language but what I'm about to describe are neither. In order to describe my present you will need to understand my past. But first who I am. I am a southerner recently moved to LA searching for companionship, my own people. I am 21, finished high school at 16, attended college for biology and psychology. I love everything most of you love. but I feel extra fucked genetically as I am the begotten son of two drug addicts. My grandmother died at 47 as a crack addict and cancer patient. My grand father is serving a vehicular manslaughter charge, a murderer with a lawyer. My first cousin is currently serving a prison sentence for first degree murder. My great uncle was murdered in prison while serving a sentence for first degree murder. My grandmother (mother's side) died in a mental care home - she was a true extreme paranoid schizophrenic. Her father, sex offender. I am the first of my line to graduate high school. the first to go college. I have spent many years repressing many emotions for fear of the behavior I know I am capable of. I am alone. I have given up on communication with anyone. I exhibit the taboo behaviors of an INTP and on top of this, my mannerisms are offset by my childhood, which to be short and sweet, should have killed me. It didn't; but it did create very aloof behavior. Companionship is impossible, I can't even begin to imagine trying to create that bond. I have experienced abandonment in the worst of ways. I meet someone and assume they find me unattractive, uninteresting, and unworthy, so I reciprocate this behavior and get nowhere. I do not like sex because I assume I was terrible and let them down. So I disconnect. This means the only sex I've had was either during a long term relationship (I enjoyed this sex, I think) or drunk sex. I've had plenty of sex while drunk but have learned to hate intimacy because of the way I assume I let this person down. It hurts. So I've trained myself to avoid intimacy so i can avoid disappointing myself by disappointing someone else. I hate who I am; I have taken an already complex personality and refined it with behaviors developed through extremely negative childhood experiences. i don't even want to try to be anything because I don't want to hurt myself when I think I hurt someone else.. and the reality is I am not this disgusting person that I see when I look at myself but I've been in my skin, I've collected the data, analyzed the results and watched the conclusion and there is nothing to point to me knowing I am somebody.
I listen to music that would make someone want to die, music that the singer expresses sadness, let down ect. Because a good musician will make me feel his pain, and I can explore this range of emotion without personally experiencing it. I try to find something in this sadness to help me cope, but no data exists in this realm.
I don't want to be alone but I can't deal with the fact that I will inevitably do something to bother someone. I want to slam my head through a wall when a friend asks why I forgot to take the trash out. Why? Because I did not even notice it's existence because I was thinking. This makes me so frustrated with myself. My constant, consistent failures to exist within other's standards makes me hate myself.
I'm on the edge, you guys. This negativity gets worse with every mistake. It gets worse, consider that statement, please. I have idolized suicide for such a long while, and even had an experience with methadone that resulted in death (8/14/14) and recovery. Logically, 0 is larger than -3. That is to say, no experience is better than a bad one. The pressure I feel to do anything to make someone proud or happy, for absolutely no reason, and the hatred I feel when I believe I have let them down.
If anyone has experienced this, please throw me some rope.
I've convinced myself, by means of logic, that I am unworthy of anyone's attention, of affection (that I now, don't want it; dislike it rather) and I've already watered the seed that possesses the logical explanation of why I should seize to exist.
Someone, please, toss me some rope, a life jacket, a means by which to improve this cycle.

 

[Glider]

Hi TylerT,
That is a heavy burden. But you also have experience beyond what most people have, and an insight into what drives your reactions. Those are good things to build on.

I dont know what to say as advice or comfort. I have tried to draft several. But this is a good place to discuss things. People get you here. And you dont have to explain your way of thinking.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Seteleechete]

Why should you not live? You will die soon enough anyway might as well do something meanwhile(some fun hobby, I like reading).

Granted I have it better than you because I have no interest in trying to live up to other people's expectations, if they don't want to interact with me because of who I am, I have no interest in them. Pursuing people when you know it won't work out with or allowing things to become a charade will just end in pain, it seems pointless and futile to me.

I would love companionship but much like you I have mostly given up on it. Wallowing and agonizing about things you cannot change is utterly pointless, instead accept the situation and make the best of it(I do occasionally get sad about being alone but I just accept the situation and do something else as I can't/am unwilling to change it).

If you can't find companionship fine, there is no reason to stop looking but you might as well enjoy other things life has to offer(like creating stuff, I create fictional worlds/characters in my imagination and enjoy living through them.)

My recommendation would be to be yourself and stop trying to live up to other peoples standards/expectations as well as to stop focusing so much on other people's opinions of you.

If 0 is higher than -3 then 0.5(just enjoying things you like and not agonizing over shit that happens) is higher than 0, granted it's not as good as 3(enjoying things you like with others without having to put on a mask) but you should take what you can get while aiming for the stars.

The pressure I feel to do anything to make someone proud or happy, for absolutely no reason, and the hatred I feel when I believe I have let them down.

Stop caring, you have no reason to.

 

[Glider]

That is the core of it!
Totally agree. We are constanty fed a stream of expectations from extrovert media and society,about how to behave. When I accepted that they were different and I was in my right. It cleared the air for me!

 

[Hadoblado]

Hey.

My experience can't compare to yours, though there are similarities. Both my parents were soft drug dealers, and either absent or negligent. My father is a schizophrenic, though again, probably of a lower caliber to your Grandmother.

For me these things are also mitigated by the fact that they were misguided or uninformed at the time, but they are inherently 'good' people. Nevertheless, I've distanced myself from them. Not consciously, but I moved out as soon as practically possible (17th birthday) and while I keep a vague contact I haven't really looked back. I'm getting pulled back in a little more of recent due to nieces and nephews and whatnot, but my independence is well established and very freeing.

I also sort of made a point of forking my musical interests from what was common and accepted. It seemed to help a lot but I consider it a trap to define yourself in any way by your musical inclinations.

I had difficulty with social stuff for a long time, but moving out gave me a lot more experience in it, and then a concerted effort between 20 and 24 brought me up to speed in most respects. There's still some gaps I see at times, but other people have them too, and I've got mad posturing game.

There are several things that have helped me, take them or leave them.

+ Building up the story of your life as if to tell it to someone else. I don't know if you do this, but I did. I kept a record of every hardship. Lost at 6yo for two days in a town I didn't know with no food or money, living off a couple dollars and a packet of biscuits for a week because someone didn't pay me the money they owed that I was relying on, being so malnourished all through college everyone thought I was stoned because I talked slow and couldn't focus... this all springs to mind easily even though I don't talk about this shit. I was keeping score. Why do I need external evidence of hardship? *I* have experienced things and *I* am more understanding for it. Let go of the narrative and start thinking about what you want to be. You're way ahead of where any statistician would put you having read your background, so why is the background important? For me it was a pre-emptive excuse for not meeting the standards of other people.

+ Once you can let go of where you're from, where do you go? You know what's nice about being free? You can wake up and do almost anything the fuck you want. There are consequences and limitations, but the sheer scope of potential futures is inspiring. Wanna go to China? It might take some work, but you could get there within a year if you're motivated (assuming a certain level of means/ability). Want to climb a mountain? Do it. Sounds like hard work right? Glad I only really want to write at people on the internet.

+ Freedom's doing work for my word score, I'm gonna include it in the coping mechanisms twice. Freedom is not someone else's expectations, it's yours. Now it worked out for me that I don't have many expectations placed upon me by other people - kinda happens when you've got no family telling you what to do and you choose your friends. You may or may not find yourself similarly positioned.

You have some issues with meeting other people's standards. This seems like a trap. The standards around you are arbitrary and have not aged well. Make your own. My standards tend to be different to other people's, and sometimes there's shots fired, but I adhere to my principles and standards far more stringently than they do to the ones they claim for themselves. I also have the benefit of knowing why my standards and principles are good ones to follow. I'm very anchored in this respect. If people are giving you a hard time about wanting to choose what you're about, choosing other people to be around might be an option for you. Nothing is more depressing that having to chase after other people's standards while not a single one of them is willing to even consider yours.

'Unworthiness' of attention and affection is also a trap. It's not a sliding scale of worth. Some people are more interested in some things than others. Personally you've got an interesting history which makes me pay more attention to you than most, if you're then self-aware enough to work on whatever issues you have then affection could very easily follow. But these are what I look for in people: data and progression. I look at what other people seem to value and I draw blanks as to how they can possibly care. It's not a matter of being worthy, it's about compatibility. There are so many people on this planet! The least likable person to have ever lived would still find a cool million people they could get along with. Your current goals are arbitrary and maladaptive. Shift them.

+ If you're INTP, chances are you've got an area of interest or two that are just balls to the wall interesting to you. If you're passionate and even moderately able in a field, you will go far in it.

On suicide:
I always had it as a placeholder. Life needed to get to a particular level of misery and show signs of not being able to get better before I pulled that trigger. I had a very clear idea of how I would do it, and this contingency allowed me to live life without a fear of being trapped in it. The worst thing that could happen was that I die in a manner of my choosing. A score of zero as you put it. I no longer have that contingency. I'm not home free, I'm still depressed etc., but I've found reasons to stay around despite any suffering I might suffer.

Having the way out enabled me venture out to attain a life worth keeping. It might be able to do the same for you. You shouldn't need to think about it past the initial planning phase, it's a simple annual check to ensure life isn't beyond redemption. Being able to isolate the thoughts of suicide also broke several cognitive cycles for me which were making me more depressed.

 

[Jennywocky]

Some thoughts I had when reading and empathizing with your thread:

I can't say my life has had as many of the horrendous connections that yours has had, but I've had enough (chronically alcoholic dad who was alternately emotionally distant vs abusive + strong religious culture/influences growing up that left me doubting much about myself, some personal issues, etc.) to whit, I can identify with your intense fears and self-doubts. Never went to the hospital for a suicide attempt, although I did start cutting and wrestled with intense anxiety and depression on and off that I needed medication for (and which helped to the degree they could).

What I want to say to you about your family: Fuck them. Seriously. You are ruining yourself with the fears of becoming people who you are not necessarily destined to be.

Our predisposition to find patterns in things (to better understand a situation) sometimes lead us to forget that NO PATTERNS CONTROL US. At least not to the degree that we fear. Your family did all that crazy shit and had many horrible ends -- whereas meanwhile under that onus, you have worked your ass off, finished high school early, did double major in college, etc. Damn, that's impressive. And maybe you did it to prove something to yourself -- that you weren't your family -- but don't downplay it. What you've done so far, many won't or can't do. That says something about you and your capabilities, even if some of it was to appease the demons of self-doubt.

Yes, those experiences can damage us, isolate us, leaving us feeling alone and ill-equipped to deal with other human beings. I am not downplaying that. Sometimes I feel like I was broken early in life and never have completely been fixed. But you are not damned. Stepping away and forgetting all of that, you're still alive, this is your life, and you can still choose to walk forward... So much of your thinking here is understandably shooting yourself in both feet. Like I said, I can empathize with you and see thoughts you're having that I have had about my life, but when you live within that kind of thinking, you essentially set yourself up to fail. You ensure your isolation when you close yourself off.

Now's a time to be brave and worry less about coming up with some accurate generalization of who you are (which invariably seems to end up being very negative) and instead engaging outside yourself and learning how to do some things that scare you or that you feel inept with -- i.e., don't try to generalize your value, just work at improving some things you're struggling with.

I've reached a point where I still feel that kind of crap about myself, but i can step back to realize objectively the feelings aren't accurate, people don't view me that way (in general), and if I choose to not being overly connected or socialize, it's not because I'm worthless or unwanted, it's just because I need the space (whether it's my personality, past experiences in my life, etc.) and that it's okay regardless even if I've got scars that get in my way sometimes.

Really, a lot of the damage you are experience now seems to be from the ghosts living in your mind of some tragic history/events in your life, and you are giving those ghosts power. I know the temptation to try to analyze the past and generate the future from it (to make a coherent picture), but in reality the past does not exist -- the current moment is the moment you can act in, and future moments are not yet set. The emotional resonances are what derails your attempts to live. Let them go. Accept your current difficulties and resolve to get better / work through those things. You don't need a "reason" except that it's your life, so if you want to live, then choose to live. It's all in your hands.

 

[TylerTennessee]

I'm eternally grateful for any response and both of yours are insightful but mostly the mutual exchange without the feeling of being wrong is so refreshing. The juxtaposition arises here : I don't want to make everyone happy or meet their standards but when I don't succeed in something I become angry at myself. My failures, inabilities to conform, have stripped me from everything I hold close so to stop losing what I love I have to stop letting people down. Aside from my hobbies like reading, writing, technology, and music I do nothing because I want to. The biggest reward I obtain is from knowing I made someone proud happy ect. And the biggest loss I suffer is from letting someone down. But I feel I am under par on any scale. This is hardly ever even the case. But I can't find a way to look at myself and see anything nice. Even from an early age. I remember continuously spilling cups and being told to slow down and eventually I would stop drinking while my parents were around because I didn't want to spill another drink I didn't want to let them down when all I had to do was hold a cup. Now, years down the road this effect has been applied to everything in my life and the negative effect is so intense. The disdain is so extreme. I can't figure out how to cope. There is no direction but myself for me to point these emotions. Which makes it worse over time. No one can stand my negativity. even I can't. I don't have the energy to sustain a facade anymore. The logical conclusion I've reached only subtracts from me. I imagine there are so many great thinkers here and I've laid out a rough outline of my conundrum, is there another answer? Can this pattern be ended, can I stop hating myself

 

[TylerTennessee]

Sorry for the double post I'm on my cell phone and I wasn't able to read all the post . I'm so glad and relieved to hear that this pain is not exclusive. That shows me there is an alternative route. I don't have a clue how yet to fix it, but maybe in the morning after a night of thinking. I worry this will require dismantling all I know of social interactions and rearranging data. Scary. This has developed over years, reinforced through experience. Maybe I should start with rejection and become familiar enough with it to not direct rejection at myself. Maybe. I'll need to brood. You all were able to communicate to me in a way that didn't seem critical at all
I wish I could find my people in LA. As an above poster mentioned I did not have my parents present from a young age and while they were everything I did was strange or wrong. At 8 the state of Tennessee handicapped me after receiving comprehension test scores. This even was met with shame. Is it possible to move through society like everyone, anyone else? To actually be able to smile into a camera without first prepping? To feel like you fit in, to talk to someone without the pressure, I don't want to exhibit these behaviors anymore I want to see a tree and forget it. I want to not be able to tell you what I had for lunch, I don't want to let anyone down. I want to make contact. I want to die without ever reading about Highs Bosom again

 

[EditorOne]

"The pressure I feel to do anything to make someone proud or happy, for absolutely no reason, and the hatred I feel when I believe I have let them down."

Leave this behind right now and half your aggravation will go away. It has taken me 50 years to grasp that much of what I was struggling to achieve was because of other's expectations of me, not my expectations of myself. There is much less stress in my life now as a result of this epiphany. Save yourself 50 years!

And be advised that while you have an extra burden of personal experience, much of the personality you have is shared anyway by a great many folks here. You can grow up middle class and from a successful family and still be INTP down to your bones, so don't go thinking your screwed up family created the basic personality. Your experiences surely put the polish on aloofness, disengagement and all the rest, but it would be there to some extent anyway.

 

[Ex-User (5841)]

Alright, Ty. Here's your rope. Don't hang yourself.

INTP

If you experience/d what you claim, you certainly shouldn't expect an MBTI stereotype to hold true. Transcend typology plz.

Now, what else...

You're displaying avoidance as your main coping mechanism. You need a therapist. I know it's the textbook generic response, but in this case it's the truth. A trauma specialist actually trained to deal with this stuff, preferably at a masters level... more common in partial hospitalization programs and residential treatment facilities than outpatient services. If you don't get what you need, get a new one. Keep looking. You might have to start in outpatient and ask for a referral.

Honestly, I want to scream "AvPD!!!" but that's useless, to merely hear such things from others without processing it and working through it yourself.

I don't want to be alone but I can't deal with the fact that I will inevitably do something to bother someone.

Be yourself. Fuck'em. And then, of course, as you sustain being yourself you'll discover more and previously unknown aspects of yourself. Or should that be self?

That is to say, no experience is better than a bad one.

Now... This is something to disagree with.

Outside of the obvious rule of opposites stuff like "How can you possibly know what good is without experiencing bad to contrast it against?," bad experiences provide something to overcome. View it as stochastic variance. Live moment by moment, in the present vs the past & future, and you'll find the sum total to be a net positive.

Overview: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_Disintegration

Deeper: http://www.positivedisintegration.com/

Also, you're not your relatives. Even if you're predisposed to some behavioral overlap, you know what agency is and they didn't. Even if you don't know what agency is, you're probably going to google it when you're done reading this. There's a special kind of power gained from truly knowing what you're capable of doing and choosing not to do so.

 

[Bandini]

(i'm french, long time reader, so sorry for my english)

Hey man.
I don’t know if my words will help you, i hope it does. I feel some similarities with your life but it was in a lesser degree in myself.
Il will just give you a little background.
I had some problems when I was born, all my organs where outside of my body, it’s something call laparoschysis. During my stay at the hospital,, a nurse broke my leg and said nothing. My family discover it three weeks later, haha J.

This event, this small event, give me a fear of abandonment. I struggle with it in all my past relationships, always anxious being cheated on, being dump and so on. And as you there was the feeling of being unworthy, unnatractive and uninteresting. But I also couldn’t show myself, in another words not only being intimate with someone but also with the world. I couldn’t show my production, and failed college. And this fear filled my mind, my thought, my feeling. But I overcome it. And now I’m in a relationship with someone that I trust like I never trust someone regardless she has a slutty path. I’m still scared but I can also show some of the things that I do. And criminal records in my family, I won’t speak about it here, but yeah I know that too.

What I want to says, with that, is that everything is always changing, you can change. When I read your text, I have the feeling that you fear becoming someone like your grandmother or grandfather. One thing tha really change me as a person was to discover that there is no necessity on earth. Even the law of science are at there basis, something random. Life could have been born with other law. But on this earth, we have these ones. And when you think about it, that the universe is random, that other rules could have been possible, and are possible, well there is vast domain of possibilities that open up to you. Nothing is fixed. It’s not required that you will end up crazy, or a violent people. It’s not required that you will end up alone.

There was also another thing from a philosopher, Karl Jaspers. It’s a silly truth, but it’s good too hear for INTP, abstract people and introvert in general. This concept is the concept of “being in a situation”. A situation is part psychical, part physical. Every human beings is catch in a web of situations. You are born with this family, in this country, in this gender, in this time. And you can’t escape it. (yep paradoxal with what I said before J ). Saying “I wish I was born somewhere else, in a different time, damn I would be such a great pirate” is running away from your situation. You can change a situation, but you have to understand it. What Jaspers said is simple : for being an individual, you can’t run away from yours situations, because in some way it’s who you are. Running away from them will be running away from yourself. The only way to act, is to face them, act them, understand them. And then only, something can change. What I find great in this concept, is it force ourself, to take responsabilies, not only for yourself but also for the world. You have to go out there.
If I speak about this concept, it’s because I think you need to have a better interaction with your body and your spirit, a better sense of it. And you can’t have it without a sense of being into the world.

And here is for me one of the main problem, is that your situation, as nothing to do with reality. It’s like your mind is filling a lot every situation you are in. Which mean you don’t see reality anymore, you only see your mind, everywhere you go you see your mind. Well not only, you see the part of your mind that is scare, that fear the world, that fear yourself (essentially, I think you are scared of becoming like one of your grand-parents). You can’t even see the good part in you anymore. But this fear, those thought, it’s not you. If it was the same case as me, it’s the thought of a little child in the body and in the spirit of a 21 years boy.
And you will have difficulty to become intimate with people, to communicate until you kill this fear or reduce it. And the more you will kill it, the more you will communicate and be open with the people. And the more people will open to you, the more they will kill your fear. You have to learn to love.

If I have some practical advice for you it will be this : you have to put yourself, somewhere in the world. In an association, in college or I don’t know. Meet new people and new experience, on this basis you could reconstruct yourself. But you have to get out of your mind or it will eat you and the only way to do that it’s to engage with the world.

 

[Yellow]

You're studying psychology, so maybe you've come across this concept, but one treatment for OCD is to have the patient over-satiate his/her compulsions. For example, if a person have obsessions that would lead to locking and unlocking a door 27 times, you have the person do it 60 times, every time they feel the urge for the next two weeks. This is done to consciously emphasize the disconnect between the irrational thoughts and the reality of the situation. Locking your door more than once doesn't make you any less safe than locking it 27 times or 60 times.

For those of us who ruminate too much, despair can build walls that grow so high, we have a hard time seeing reality. By over-thinking irrational beliefs (rather than just repeating them on a broken record that is confirmation bias), we can start to illustrate to ourselves how disconnected they are from reality, and they begin to corrode. I'll give you an example:

Spoiler

You mentioned that you believe you disappoint sexual partners.

Lets say that you are 100% right about this. You're a downright disaster in the sack. Why is that a huge problem? Does your "game" at the tender age of 21 define you as a person? Is it a reasonable source of self-worth? Assuming you don't go around loudly bragging of your sexual prowess, the partner in question found you appealing for some other reason. Is it reasonable to assume that said quality disappears in a puff of smoke the second your woo-hoo fails to please?

Let's say that you wake up one day, a sex god, and you fucking know it. Will it make you feel better about yourself? If the answer is yes, then what's to stop you from saving your money, securing the company of a few ladies of the night, and asking for lessons (or putting an ad out on craigslist, if you're strapped for cash)? The education is within your grasp.

Let's say that you're fairly mediocre in bed, and your partner is not thrilled. It takes two to tango. It's not really one partner's responsibility to make the sex good for the other person. Maybe it was your partner that was bringing it down.

Or maybe you just assumed it was bad despite evidence to the contrary. Were there physiological signs of enjoyment? Were there hard penises and squishy vaginas? Were there happy moany noises, and active participation, and heavy breathing and maybe even a climax? Was there a request for future communication and possibly even repeated fornication? Did you say or do something discourage such encores to spare yourself the disappointment of a theoretical future rejection? Are you setting up self-fulfilling prophesies?

Tear apart your own premises in unnecessary detail as if they weren't your own. Do them one at a time. I mean, pick one, and over-think it every single time it passes though your mind. Get tired of it. It's okay to identify a more primary issue beneath it, but make sure the first one is diminished before progressing. Then move on to another self-assertion and repeat the process.

This works best on thoughts like "I have to earn love by serving others", "if I was better, things would be better", and "I don't deserve to be happy".

Oh, and don't worry about the monsters you can't face yet. Pick a small thing, one you have already started to doubt a little, and work your way up. After all, it is never wise to tear down a fence, if you don't understand why it was built in the first place.

In the meantime, fake it a little. Pretend that you are just a smidgen more confident, a little more competent, a tad more powerful than you actually feel. Keep hiking it up as you go. You teach people how to treat you and how to see you.

Finally (this is so much easier said than done), don't tolerate people in your life that put you down. Get out from under those who would put you under their thumb or in their pocket. It's better to be alone, then downtrodden. Free yourself from their words, and your inner monologue has a real chance to improve.

You're a person. You're a real, live person who's allowed to exist. You're allowed to have your own wants and needs. You're allowed to do things for yourself. You are worthy of other people's acknowledgment and respect.

 

[The Gopher]

Spoiler

You mentioned that you believe you disappoint sexual partners.

Lets say that you are 100% right about this. You're a downright disaster in the sack. Why is that a huge problem? Does your "game" at the tender age of 21 define you as a person? Is it a reasonable source of self-worth? Assuming you don't go around loudly bragging of your sexual prowess, the partner in question found you appealing for some other reason.

Spoiler

He's like boy-band level attractive man. *sigh* Why are all the good ones straight...

Yellow already entered the thread so I don't have much more to say. I just will agree a therapist is probably a good idea (A real one not me) and want to push the point that faking it a little or "fake it til you make it" is actually a very viable solution. A lot of people feel that "it's fake" however it becomes reality.

It's like manipulating yourself, positively. If you believe manipulation exists and that it obviously works even on you. (a lot of people think it could never happen to them and if you believe that I have some people you should meet) Then the next logical step is to find a way to manipulate yourself in good ways.

 

[TylerTennessee]

Wow.
I want to give everyone here another big thanks. I read each of these comments, and then again. and a few, several more times. I wish i could quote you all and speak specifically on what you wrote that moved me, but it's late and I'm rather lazy.
Thank you.
I feel encouraged, which is a step forward. I know the results will present themselves if I keep stepping forward. And each of you contributed to me feeling like it is possible.
I know this was a lot for you guys to read, and you all spent plenty of time on your response and all had something positive to say. I asked for a rope, and a rope I was given. I don't know if I will be able to maintain this, but i will try. I do feel as if I need a therapist, but in my despair crossed that off believing I couldn't accurately or even willingly be able to offer any insight of what is actually happening within myself. I don't want to sound whiny, but I do feel as if I am dealing with some serious demons within myself but I do have a clearer picture of where to begin. I am terrified of this, tho war within me, but I don't feel overwhelmed. I wrote the original post in a very frantic, chaotic state in which I almost felt as if I was receiving to much stimuli from my senses and emotions at once and unable to coherently comprehend and analyze them all. It was written in a very manic state and in just one day, from reading these posts, I have snapped out of it. I don't want to get to that point again. I am really excited to begin indulging in these forums because I do not feel alone at all right now. The loneliness was really hurting me. I am forever indebted to you guys. You may have saved a life, but I won't speak anymore on that.. I feel like getting through this will mark the biggest and most significant growth within myself and I am curios as to what I could accomplish without this in my life.
I am forever indebted to you all,
Thanks

 

[Raingull]

Glad to see you're feeling a bit better, man. Reading through this thread was great, there's some awesome advice in here.

Although I agree wholeheartedly with therapy, I think it's important to point out that doing almost ANYTHING to try to relieve your depression is a step in the right direction. From both my experience and what I've read, the worst thing you can do when you're depressed is nothing. If you just sit there and stew over your problems, that negativity is just going to build up. Doing something, taking action on your own behalf, will make you feel better. For me, that often means reading up on and understanding whatever roadblocks I might hit. There's a book called "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns that you might check out. Despite the goofy title it's one of the cornerstone books of cognitive behavioral therapy. My therapist recommended it to me and I found it helpful, if a bit demanding in the sense that it recommends lots of exercises (which I, as a bad patient, didn't always find time for). Nevertheless, any reading on the subject is probably good reading.

When it comes to approval-seeking behavior, how you describe wanting to please people and not wanting to let them down, that's something I've had vast personal experience with. I somehow managed to kick the habit in my early twenties. The crux of the problem is this: you're looking for external indications that you're a worthwhile person, so you want to conform to other people's expectations and wishes to receive it.

I'll tell you this, having been through it: it's not a successful long term strategy for feeling good. You need to feel that you are worthwhile from within. You can't let other people's view of you control you. You need to have your own, positive view of yourself.

Now I know that can seem hopeless. I remember thinking, "How am I ever going to feel good about myself?" But I did, and so will you. I wish I could give you a magic formula of how I got there, but the truth is it just happened over time. I matured. I began to see how human I was, how human everyone is. I read books on self-esteem.

Finally, one last pointer that I'll never forget a girl gave me one time: listen to happier music! I bet you that if you take a week off from the brooding metal type stuff and listen to something upbeat, even if you have to gag it down, it will make you feel a little better. Music sets a mood, we all know that. Why set a mood of anguish? Try setting another kind of mood

 

[TylerTennessee]

Hey Everyone,
Just wanted to let you guys know I'm feeling better. doing better. and looking forward to the future.
Thank you so much for your input. I'm slightly ashamed I allowed myself to post at such a dark period in my life and at such a down state of mind. i'm making the necessary changes to move forward and am ready to take on whatever happens next.

 

[Ex-User (5841)]

I'm slightly ashamed I

^This. Get rid of ^this. It's okay.

Embrace authenticity.

 

[Vrecknidj]

There have been many helpful posts here. Let me add a little bit.

Like a couple others here, I'm in the "old" category. I remember, a long, long time ago, at 17, realizing that I was so radically different from who I had been at 12 that I anticipated that at 22 I'd look back at 17 and feel the same thing. I was right about that.

As you're 21, try to give yourself permission to turn into someone different by 24, or 26, or 32, or whatever.

You have already had more than a life-time of trauma, but, that's a place you're going to come back to and visit your whole life (we all haunt and are haunted by our pasts). See if you can let go of the sense of responsibility that you have to have things figured out, that you have to carry some of this stuff. You can handle (emotionally) things on a good day at your age that would have knocked you down a few years ago. Similarly, a decade from now, you'll be able, on a good day, to handle things that put you in the dark today.

Look forward to that.

 

[onesteptwostep]

I haven't experienced what you've went though, but I saw it in a movie before. Requiem for a Dream ^_^

I think your past shouldn't be what defines what you will in the now. What you will now should be defined by what you see yourself in the distant future. The ability to rise is much stronger than the ability to ponder why.

I want to slam my head through a wall when a friend asks why I forgot to take the trash out. Why? Because I did not even notice it's existence because I was thinking. This makes me so frustrated with myself.

It's probably because you're not used to cleaning up/managing the house by yourself.

If I were you I'd try to get all the toxins out of my body. If you're in LA there's a lot of wilderness where you can go camp out in. You've got the ocean, (the areas northwest of LA and the areas between San Diego and Orange County are nice), and you've go the deserts (Mojave, Salton Sea) and the mountains, Big Bear. You'd be surprised to know how synthetics in modern products screws up perception. Not to mention your body is full of alcohol residue which is another element to consider. Take a lot of dried fruits ^_^ I like eating prunes for some reason, personally.

Camping for like a week and a half will get you out of that slump, trust me.

 

[TylerTennessee]

Funny you mention this because I do have a monthly membership at Wi Spa in downtown and frequently enjoy the 200F temp sauna followed by the ice sauna. Although it is extremely relaxing and honestly leaves me with an afterglow for the rest of the day but I'm not sure of the lasting effects or biological changes.

But on another note I'm doing so much better. Thank you guys I feel forever indebted to you all.

I haven't experienced what you've went though, but I saw it in a movie before. Requiem for a Dream ^_^

I think your past shouldn't be what defines what you will in the now. What you will now should be defined by what you see yourself in the distant future. The ability to rise is much stronger than the ability to ponder why.

It's probably because you're not used to cleaning up/managing the house by yourself.

If I were you I'd try to get all the toxins out of my body. If you're in LA there's a lot of wilderness where you can go camp out in. You've got the ocean, (the areas northwest of LA and the areas between San Diego and Orange County are nice), and you've go the deserts (Mojave, Salton Sea) and the mountains, Big Bear. You'd be surprised to know how synthetics in modern products screws up perception. Not to mention your body is full of alcohol residue which is another element to consider. Take a lot of dried fruits ^_^ I like eating prunes for some reason, personally.

Camping for like a week and a half will get you out of that slump, trust me.

 

[tommarkc]

There was already so many good advices that I already feel foolish even start writing this post, but anyway. So I'm giving some quick tips that works/ worked for me. Note they might not work, and are complete bullshit. But they are quite life hacks for me, and needs minimal or none investment (so you can't say you give up after 3 days).

1. Change handwriting.
There are quite a lot Internet pages that describe idea "what does your handwriting tells about you". They claim that your personality and writing style are connected. So find how to change your personal traits by changing writing style. It helped me to be more positive and sure about myself. But it took some time, about half a year to find results.
Before criticising, let me explain. It works, but it's not real. Ever heard about throwing a coin to decide upon important decisions? If not, let me explain. You have two job offers, and can't decide which one to accept; both have advantages and disadvantages. So, you are throwing coin, if there will be head, you pick job 1 and if number, you pick job 2. You thow coin and it's head. You ask yourself: am I ok with output? If yes, accept job 1. If you're not ok, accept job 2. It's basically a mind trick where you use randomness to find what you really want; yet output isn't important. It's quite stupid, yet usable.
Reflecting on writing, you pick the decisions you believe will change your personality. They don't work by itself, or at least I believe it don't, yet you think they do, because you believe in it. Hope it works after you know the trick

2. Change music type.
It had been already mentioned here. Pick a "positive" music. Don't listen to music about sadness. For me it works listening to happy hardcore- here's the example. When I'm listening to it, I forget about myself and surroundings- I get the feeling I become the music itself. When I'm angry I pick those with bad words, like this. Of course, mood fluctuate and sometimes I must pick other more negative- but it's normal. During work I'm often nervous, and music always helps. The funny thing is, noone can guess my music taste. It's even more interesting, because I like piano music too.
One more thing: sing. Or at least move your lips. And shake head, arms, legs and feets freely. I'm horrible at singing, yet I do it. Watch this- if he can do it, you can, too And there exist real, way worse than that. You don't wanna hear it.

3. Meditate.
I really dislike the word "meditate", yet it's exactly what it is. Often it's connected with meanings of "higher power", "buddha", "spiritual", "soul" and "religion". Let me explain. Let's say we have a "horse god" which says "you must eat". Every living creature must eat, and have nothing to do with gods. And sorry to everyone who have any strong opinion about any religion, especially buddhism. And you know what else is bullshit? Stereotypes about how and when to meditate.
I've read about examples that some people meditate when sitting at the table. Or sitting on a couch. Well, here's how I do it. When I have bad day, or I'm pessimistic or need/ want to relax, I sit or lay down. I loosen all physical forces in my body. If I have troubles relaxing e.g. my arm, I shake it a bit. I close my eyes. Basically, it's like when you go to sleep, get comfortable. Next step is based on your own decision, with 1 single goal: loose the bad mood. I do it by 4 different possible ways:
a. Listen to music. It's basically explained in under 3rd point.
b. Observe sorroundings. You aren't air- you are literally nothing. You have no memory, you aren't there, you don't exist at all. You are space in the room. What items do you feel in the room? Feel every single sound in every moment of time. How do space and items in the room smell? Feel even the light in the room...
c. Observe the anger in yourself. Don't judge, the "good" and "bad". You're a being that can feel. There's noone and noone will ever exist like you, ever. Being placed at that very moment, placed in time- how special is that?!? There's billions of creations that can't feel. Robots might rule the world- but heck, they will never trully feel anything- at best, they might try to copy it. How envious they can be, you feeling so strong anger! Beat that if you can, bi*ch!
d. Sleep technic. Forget everything- you don't exist. There's no time, if you can ever call it like that. Frozen moment- so full of nothing.

4. Expectations- you M, U, S, T do that!
F*ck you. I won't. (and you don't) Disclaimer: you might be irresponsible I do it a loooooootttt.
Sometimes I woke up with bad mood, just because I know I must do something. I get angry, and am attempted to try crying just to fool myself to not do something I must and I hate. Instead, I say to myself "well, what if I won't? Stop me, if you can!" The result of it is being in better mood, when you decide to finally do that thing, or any other. Yes, I'm f*ucking stubborn, pain in the a*s- have problem with that?

5. Don't hate yourself.
You're perfect being. How big is the Space? Yet, you are here, to enjoy life. I had chance knowing heartless piece of sh*ts with who don't know brain actually exist, for those which I wish to never exist- the part of my life I want to forget. Disgrace of human race. I'm sure you're not like them. A music video. Can't stop forgetting about it.

7. "asks why I forgot to take the trash out"
Well, you can't possibly remember how you managed to forget something. But why you didn't take the trash out? Well, you forgot. Next time you'll try not to, write task down or do it straight away. If people will remember everything, we'll drive mad fast.

8. "no experience is better than a bad one"
This is a thing I had problems with, too- and I stil do. Yet here's my idea: create your own experience- others will take care for themselves. And stop thinking what others think of you. Because mostly they don't. Or they will forget. It's their problem, so take care of your own.

9. Principles.
So, in the past I had big problems with what people think about me. One of the most important things to get out of that was to make a decision to "always stay true to yourself"- people might talk about you badly, and whatever god you might believe in might criticise you at the end, but the biggest punishment, or at least first one, you will get from yourself. If you are stuggling thinking "why did I do that?", there's a tip. Before yo do something, decide for the thing that you won't regret in the future. Ask yourself, with the things you know and possible options you have, which ones you won't reget? Pick the one you would repeat if you had to, with the head up high. Also, stay true to your principles and don't lie to yourself. reflecting one of the things on myself, if I give someone a word, I will do whatever I was told, and if I don't- I'll apologize, with a very heart, not empty words, as we most often see.

10. Stay strong.
There WILL be times when you'll be challenged and when there will be noone who you could seek help from. The only one you can rely on is you- and in the end, it's the only important thing. Heroes aren't people who have whole team behind them- heroes are those, who kept believing when they were broken, smashed, told they can't do something and noone believed in them and they doubted in themselves. Most probably, noone will ever hear about them. Those are real heroes.

Okay, I wrote quite some things and if I told them in person, I'll be quite ashamed/ embarrassed. And I definitely spent too much time writing them. Oh, and I'm 23 years old