Respect for an individual

[Vecna]

What are your criteria for determining whether or not an individual deserves your respect and your time?

I have an issue with being thought of as elitist because I only respect individuals that are as intelligent as or more intelligent than me. I am an INTJ.

I've been known to classify people after some verbal gauging.

Yes..... the first verbal gauge. I noticed every one of my INTP friends doing that to me when I first met them. I open a simple conversation with someone and gauge their responses. I then classify them into categories such as ignorant, emotional, intelligent, devoid of content, etc. Once I determine their category I filter out the intelligent and surprise them a bit down the line with a conversation that requires brain acrobatics. If they test positive again for being intelligent then they are worthwhile to respect and get to know as a person. I almost always develop an instant bond and fascination with people like that.

That may explain why my 5 closest friends are INTPs. I wonder if I should change that process to incorporate respect of human feelings. Also could it be possible that my strict requirements may lead to missing out on an important relationship? Maybe I filtered out individuals with high emotional intelligence that could have helped me become more developed with feelings.

 

[Morel Panic]

I've been known to classify people after some verbal gauging.

...you spelt gauge right!! (Sorry. I have an issue with this)

I do this too (and have also analysed the process some), but I have some qualms with your definition of respect. You say you "only respect individuals that are as intelligent as or more intelligent than me". I could not disagree more with this. Respect comes in all different shapes and sizes, and using it only with regards to intellegence is actually kind of silly. I respect knowledge based decisions of those with great knowledge in a particular subject, authority based decisions by popular leaders, moral decisions by moral people, etc. (of course, I reserve all rights to disagree with anyone at anytime, no matter how much I respect them). Intelligence is useful for almost everything, but it is only one useful trait among many (intelligent people are the most fun to hang out with though).

Don't take this as a dis on your character or anything. One of my best friends is an very intelligent INTJ and I can see him saying the exact same thing you just did.

 

[Cogwulf]

I don't respect people just for being intelligent or for any talent they have, because I see a lot of people who have a talent or gift of some sort but don't make use of it.
I do respect people for what they do or even just what they try to do.

I would have more respect for someone with an IQ of 60 who repairs cars for a living than for someone with an IQ of 160 who works in a shop stacking shelves.

 

[Trebuchet]

I'm an INTP, and I probably do what you describe, though I don't think of it as a formal test. I am usually just trying to find something pleasant to converse about, and to some people I come across like I'm arrogant.

Intelligence does matter to me. So do kindness and integrity. Without all three, I probably won't go to the effort of becoming friends with someone.

But Intelligence isn't the primary way I decide if I respect someone. I am capable of respecting someone I don't like, or someone who isn't very smart but is kind and honorable. My policy is to grant respect to everyone, until they prove themselves unworthy of it. It is sort of an opt-out plan. All you have to do to lose my respect is betray my trust, fail to take responsibility for your own actions, or behave in a mean-spirited way on a regular basis. All others have the benefit of the doubt.

 

[Ermine]

I definitely do gauge people based on how they they qualify with the following questions I ask myself:

Does this person have interesting things to say?

Is this person capable of independent thought?

Do we communicate easily?

Is this person fun to be around?

Is this person a curious individual?

Are this person's accomplishments consistent with their capacity? (I use this question loosely since I am not working to my full capacity either)

If they qualify well, I definitely like and respect this person and am totally willing to nurture a friendship with that person.

 

[Invoke Ninja's True Power]

I respect those who would respect me. Generosity, compassion, being able to see through my anti-social tendencies, and being able to think for oneself are probably the 4 factors that gain the most respect from me. Also willingness to smoke weed with me gains instant respect from me for some reason, can't figure out why? *blatant sarcasm there for those who couldn't tell* There have been so many times where I would have a bunch to smoke all by myself so I'd try to find other smokers and it never worked. I dunno if people are scared of someone willing to smoke with them for no reason or if they thought I was trying to sell them some or they thought I was some kind of undercover cop or what? Either way the whole illegal nature of the game pisses me off to no end. It seems like most people think weed is something you do when you are a kid and grow out of it or become a dealer. Kids shouldn't even mess with the stuff tho, well unless they are extremely adhd and it helps them be not so annoying, that is ok in my book.

 

[fullerene]

^^I can also totally see an INTJ saying what you just did, haha.

I will pretty much talk to anyone unless they're condescending (generally to other people--I don't think anyone but my parents have ever blown me off), or otherwise "fake" in some way. I almost immediately lose all respect for someone when I see them speak badly of someone who they act like is their friend, while around other people, but I'm actually trying to change this, too.


My question is: if you're a pretty smart person, and screen friends for intelligence, how are you ever to grow? I would suppose that you're (subconsciously? I dunno how that would work, since INTJs have a conscious Fi function) decided that developing the intellect is the most important thing in life. That's perfectly fine--but I suspect (stealing an idea from C.S. Lewis, who was also INTJ) that many "pure-intellects" like that accidentally atrophy their hearts in order to make their heads seem bigger by comparison.

You've also got some strange/artificial categories, there, by dividing intellectual and emotional. My girlfriend is a remarkably intelligent INFP. When someone posted an article talking about how a prosecutor was attempting to try a 16 year old girl as an adult, for the crime of sending nude pictures of herself to someone, she exploded into rage at the fact that if she were old enough to be responsible like an adult, she should be responsible enough to make the decision to send pictures of herself to someone. When she's fearful or upset, there's absolutely no arguing with her (it just makes her more afraid or upset, nothing changes, etc)... but once she's calmed down, you can go back and show her how the emotional outbursts (which usually include a lot of unfair accusations towards you) are unfair to you, and she'll understand, apologize, and you can go back to argue the topic with mutual understanding and respect. Is that an emotional person, or an intelligent one? If you slid her into the "emotional" category after the first emotional outburst that made it impossible to argue with her, wouldn't you miss out on the opportunity to talk to someone and bridge the emotion/intellect gap?

With all due respect to the INTPs here: ENFPs are a much more profitable type to answer questions like this. A bright ENFP can make anything seem reasonable to anyone... and if you can find one you respect, and discuss people with them for long enough, you'll soon find yourself with abundant reasons to respect almost everybody. People who are ignorant in one area may have surprising experience in another. There's probably even a good chunk of people who you probably filter into the "devoid of content" category who, if you can hang around and make conversation for a while with, may turn out to have some depth if you talk to them alone (lots of people act shallower than they are while in groups, to fit in with other people who are acting shallower than they are, lol)

 

[shoeless]

okay. it may sound idealistic, and maybe it is (i think my fe is fairly developed so that could have something to do with it), but i honestly believe everyone deserves respect and dignity. and happiness. and all that good shit.

even if somebody has a noticeable lack of intelligence or wit or creativity, or they don't make use of their talents, or whatever, i have a hard time holding them responsible for that. maybe it is a product of being poorly reared, or bullied, or maybe it's simply genetic, but nobody is intentionally dense. if we can't help our personalities, we can't help our flaws. that's all there is to it.

does that mean i get along with everyone, or even treat everyone with complete respect? no, not at all. i have difficulty relating to and associating with people of a "lower" standard of intelligence, but that's just an issue of compatibility. that doesn't make me any better than them. i just try to understand their situation and try to remind myself that, even though they're fucking idiots, they're still people. elitism is venomous, and i want no part of it.

but that's just me.

 

[Adamastor]

I have been taught to (socially) respect anyone.

Even so I do exactly the same thing as you when "meeting" someone new, I say things that lead the some sort of reaction of the listener and classify her based on the answer, I do this with everyone I think this is a natural way to "know" someone.

Depending on the information gathered about this person, if it satisfactory, I can hang around this person, this way I can decide who get away from and who I would wish to know more, socialize. I think the last group is the one that "got" my true respect, though, in this case, respect is the same as "This person is OK to be near (i.e will not bore me for a while)"

Analyzing past experiences, the people who I respect and like to talk and do things together tends to be of same intelligence or greater; have something I lack (such as passion doing an random activity); curious people, again passionate ones; and that is it. I believe that being around people like that is something to look forward, in a context like this I can grow and learn with a regular basis.

 

[snowqueen]

That's a really interesting question thanks for posing it. I don't think I respect people on the basis of their intelligence in the way you do, but I do respect them if they do the best they can with the intelligence they have. Thus, I also lose respect for people who are intelligent (or talented) but do nothing with it. I respect people who can carry through their commitments and who are honest. I respect people who are willing to develop and grow and better themselves despite difficulties. Being committed is something I respect deeply in others. I respect people who do things for others - even simply dropping in on an elderly neighbour to check they are ok - doesn't have to be some huge dramatic gesture (in fact I probably respect that less). I respect people who can apologise when they are in the wrong or have done something bad - basically people who can take responsibility for their actions. I respect people who have studied hard at a subject and know it really well. I respect people who have shown, over time, that they can be relied upon to deliver on their promises. I respect people who are thoughtful before they act.

 

[Zaij]

Not exactly very specific, but I respect people that aren't shallow. They need to have an interest in the world around them, not just the next sporting event. Being smart isn't necessary, only that you question and aren't afraid of asking when you don't know something.

 

[Zero]

If they're competent and tasteful. Bonus points for being cultured, well traveled, creative, interesting, or intelligent. Instant disrespect if they're arrogant. It's painful to watch people who are not actually competent and so obnoxious....

Half the time they're compulsive liars or have an obvious self-esteem issue because they think they're wikipedia. It's not only that, but that they must input that vast knowledge into everyone's conversations.

 

[Dormouse]

I find myself to be absolutely incapable of judging people. Period.

Well, maybe that's a bit of an exageration, and there are certain signals I pick up after a first encounter with someone, but I tend to delay permanent judgement . . . well, indefinitly.
And I'm quite happy I've done this, as more and more often I find myself pleasantly surprised to discover a new and fascinating layer in someone I was about to write off as shallow and whiny.
In my opinion, everybody has something to offer. Everybody has their moments of brilliance. You just have to lie low and wait for them.

Oh, and for the record I'm pretty sure I'm considered bland and timid by anyone who judges immediatly after meeting me. I am extremely reserved and usually only begin expressing myself around people who've had the patience to put up with me for a while.

 

[echoplex]

I tend to make a distinction between respecting people and respecting actions/attitudes/personae/etc...

I respect all people equally. No one is royalty in my mind for being intelligent or interesting or whatever. They're just lucky to be that way and I'm lucky to be a witness to it. I respect the qualities that I aspire to achieve, or would aspire to if I thought I could. I guess I'm always quietly rooting for others to show those qualities to me. It wouldn't make me respect them more, but I'd certainly want to spend more time with them.

 

[didyouknow]

I try to give everyone equal respect. You can't dismiss anybody because about 80% of the time, you are completely mistaken.

There are of course things people do to lose respect. For example, people worthy of respect are not selfish, greedy, irresponsible, etc. Even so, those who exhibit these traits, yet are determined to change and become better people, are worthy of respect also.

 

[Zero]

Equal respect is like 0.

 

[Lobstrich]

I just used this quote in another topic. But it's perfect in this as well.

"Rather than love, and money, and faith, and fame.. And fairness... Give me truth."

If this person is 'true' He/she get's my respect.

 

[Da Blob]

I find it interesting that the myth that respect is something that is earned or 'deserved' is so widely believed. Respect is not a commodity that can be bought or earned. It seems that the term is commonly used to justify prejudice and maintain negative stereotypes. There are any number of bigots that will never respect anyone from the 'stereotypic' group that is despised. For examples, Obama can never 'earn' the respect of a racist or a stupid person can never 'earn' the respect of an intellectual snob.

Respect is a gift that is freely given or not. Respect is something that manifests in degrees - one can give a lot of respect or very little respect to any certain individual, cause or thought.

I find that respecting everyone to a certain degree does not cost one anything, because if it turns out that degree of respect is inappropriate it can be withdrawn at any moment.

I think that looking at the word, itself, can be enlightening. What is the process of Re-Specting, but one of not making snap judgments based on first impressions, prejudices or stereotypes? It seems to me that the concept of looking twice or more at a person, idea or whatever is implicit in the word itself.

It seems almost a prerequisite for survival in this modern world, that everyone wears a mask of some kind. Some of these masks are not respectable, but I have found that if one cares enough, to look 'twice', to see who is behind that public mask, one can usually find a person of value. Of course, the converse is also true. Some of the most despicable people have learned to wear a respectable mask, which gives them a veneer of respectability that a second 'in'spection reveals as a mere facade.

 

[Trebuchet]

Respect is a gift that is freely given or not. Respect is something that manifests in degrees - one can give a lot of respect or very little respect to any certain individual, cause or thought.

I find that respecting everyone to a certain degree does not cost one anything, because if it turns out that degree of respect is inappropriate it can be withdrawn at any moment.

I think that looking at the word, itself, can be enlightening. What is the process of Re-Specting, but one of not making snap judgments based on first impressions, prejudices or stereotypes? It seems to me that the concept of looking twice or more at a person, idea or whatever is implicit in the word itself.

I really like this a lot, Blob. Well put.